video | un: sharpshooter (forward-dated a few days) [CW: NSFW?]

[azurestar]

[The video opens to Lance with cat ears (again), a tail swishes behind him. There's the sound of painful squelching as Keith off screen goes through some more gruesome transforming and he winces, looking over at him. It seems to have been mild this time at least, and Lance goes for the rambling jokes because that's how you deal with someone you care about going through that, right?]

Okay, soooo who here's never done the horizontal tango? Made the beast with two backs, knocked some boots, jumped some bones- [there is the sound of shifting of bone and he hums, rethinking] Forget that last one, but by now if you don't know what I mean, here's a few more for you: a little afternoon delight-

[Keith groaned a bit, his teeth audibly clenched as he scolded a, "LANCE!" from the background, though that didn't seem to deter the Blue Paladin from continuing.]

-pounded the punani pavement, shook the sheets, the old in-out, shot the meat rocket into the sausage hole, bam-bam in the ham, rolled in the hay, boppin' squiddles, cattle-prodding the oyster ditch with the lap rocket. Fucking hell, made whoopee!

Seriously, I could keep going, but if your answer is 'never done that, what are you even talking about', some guy in Gaze told me your blood cures this whole- [he gestures at himself and then glances off camera at the sound of a grunt from Keith.] mess. Noooot that I wanna cure myself, I can take it, but some people I know need it and aren't gonna ask because their heads are nothing but dumb hair and no brains.

[A bit of an unhinged laugh to himself/some internal conversation as he looks down and to the side. There's a growl from the background, possibly from Keith? (Definitely from Keith.) Then he jerks himself back.] Yeah, anyway, if you fit the bill call me before my idiot b-teammate turns into something that eats my face. I'm too pretty for that.

[There may have been a time when Lance knew virgin blood was blood that hadn't been used in a ritual, but the draugr's fucked with his already recently fucked memory. So enjoy.]

Comments

[azurestar]

Wait, waitwaitwait. You're saying you gave someone dealing with exactly what he is from the masks your blood and it cured them?

…And you're NOT a virgin?

[wannasmash]

This is important information Lance-san needs to know so he doesn't do something stupid... [ he mutters to convince himself. ]

That's... right...

[ Kill him now. ]

N-Not the masks exactly... but the cure effect is the same apparently... Warmblood is pretty much useless for blood magic, but because it helps Corruption, there is a chance it can help bring someone back from Beasthood. And virgin blood is more powerful... So, you don't need blood from someone who hasn't slept with someone, you need blood from someone who's never sacrificed their blood.

[ He stops rambling nervously. For now. ]

[azurestar]

…

You… aren't a virgin. [He repeats, staring at Midoriya very skeptically.] …Aren't you like twelve?

[Okay, he knows he's not literally twelve, it's just a turn of phrase. But his impression was that the guy was young! Not that being young means you can't have sex, he's certainly an example of someone who has done it in his early-mid teens. But Midoriya just does not give off Casanova vibes! QUITE the opposite.

He shakes his head to clear it a bit of that point.] But if all that's true, that's even harder! …Are you sure you're not a virgin?

[wannasmash]

I'm much older than twelve...

[ That's, like, ages ago! Practically a million years in his opinion! For effect, he holds his hand level to his own chin, about the height he would have been at twelve. A shrimp. ]

Of-course-I'm-sure! [ His voice is one octave too high again. He clears his throat. ]

Lance-san, all you need to do is put a call out for recently arrived Sleepers. Unless they've done blood sacrifice right away, they'll all have virgin blood.

[azurestar]

[Midoriya doesn't deserve this. But Lance is on a roll, stuck on a train of thought and stressed about Keith and he's got blinders on.]

Like… how sure?

[Then he lets out a frustrated sound and roughly musses his own hair to expend some of his agitated energy.]

Don't be so sure, man. I did my first blood ritual in my first week and I didn't even know it was a blood ritual. But fiiine, it can't hurt to try, I guess.

[wannasmash]

[ He makes a strangled sort of noise, then groans like he wants to lie face down on the floor and never get up. He's sure. Many times over. Thanks. ]

Yeah like... You're not in a life-or-death situation, so there's room for error. I was fighting a Beast, but I looked up the specifics beforehand, so it was less of a gamble than it could have been.

[azurestar]

[He has that effect on people. The groan is enough to derail that line of questioning. Besides, he has Keith writing nearby to look after. He heaves a breath.]

Kinda feels like life or death, right now. But thanks, man. I'll catch you later.