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text | un: anonymous

( This is not Peter Graham, though of course, posting anonymously takes away that possibility. The user didn't want to use the boy's network handle, to inevitably be seen through the filter of "Not Peter."

The user is trying to define his own identity. )

why did you choose your title here on this THING
what is the meaning
?
?

( ...Texting is still something he struggles with, though the demon has been watching and learning and forming his own conclusions on how to do it. Autocorrect is a life-saver. Two questions get two question marks. ....Even if they go in the wrong place. )

i will grant you a
GOLDEN COIN
if you
RESPOND

( ...For those who know Paimon fairly well, that particular offer of exchange might betray who he is. But the demon of Knowledge is curious to hear reasons, and within them: perhaps stories, memories, self-perceptions. There is a meaning to everything, whether simple or complex.

And perhaps by the end of it, he will know what title he would give himself, here on the network. )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Maudlin just means, like... really miserable, but trying too hard about it. Like to the point where even people who are already sympathetic to you would tell you to take it down a notch.
You've got a vessel?

[there's a bit of a wait, but eventually, she attaches a quick sketch of a five-petaled flower that doesn't exist where she's from.]

Can you make a Lunar Tear?

O
he is maudlin
he is for ever weeping

( Paimon doesn't exactly have it right, but "really miserable" absolutely describes Peter, so... maudlin is a useful word to have in his vocabulary now! )

yes do you know what VESSEL means
?
I will tell you if you do not

( A couple of people have beem confused by the concept... but he waits patiently (and really, it takes him a long time to type each line of text, so this is just a Slow Conversation in general.)

And oh... he likes this. It isn't something he knows, so it's a challenge — one he's all too thrilled to take on. It may require a bit more energy but this person has already taught him something new and useful and so he would be glad to reward them. )

it may take some time
but i will make it for you
is it your favourite flower
?

[she has the idea that this person she's talking to is generally not good with technology. but she can be patient.]

I'd hope so. I am a vessel, after all.
Walking around sharing my soul with somebody else, giving her a body where she doesn't have one anymore.

[whether it's her favorite flower takes longer to reply to than she'd like.]

The flower is important to me. And to the people I love, and the people I've loved in the past.
It would mean a lot to a lot of souls if they could see it again, I think.

( He has met many interesting people through the process of making this post — even if anonymously. Forging connections with others is how he's meant to function, and he's been delighted at the varietypack of Important Connections made here.

This one is something entirely in its own category of importance.

It takes a while for him to respond, because he's abruptly buzzing with so many questions and curiosities, and even he knows that he must be careful. Ultimately, where he begins is: )

did some one else put her inside of you
?

( Because he's learned that it's wrong how he came to exist within his own vessel, the whole process was warped and violent and wrong. What is that process like for others? )

i under stand
the flower will not be alive but it will be perfect in its like ness
and nothing could destroy it

( Well, nothing that could be found here in Trench, anyway. A solid golden flower would remain forever, neither wilting nor growing, perpetually same and beautiful. )

Yeah. The people who ran the city I used to live in.
It's okay, though. She and I get along. We protect each other.

[she can say that with firsthand knowledge now, no matter how uncomfortable that knowledge might make her.]

I've had her for almost five years, now.
She's one of the people the flower matters to, so I really appreciate that you're giving this a try.

How long have you been with your vessel?

you do not fear her
?

( He doesn't know what this might be, if it's something like Peter and himself or something else entirely, but the base similarities fuel the questions the right way.

Though it's strange, to be asking it on the other side of things: asking a Vessel if they fear the presence of Another living inside. )

a few humans years but not as many as five
we do not get along
we do not protect each other
i do not know how to make him have trust for me

I used to be afraid of her. Then I took the time to get to know her.
I realized she wasn't going away, and that the things she could actually provide me made my life better.

[she thinks she might know who she's talking to, if the guy from paul's afterparty is even still kicking around here. but she's not going to say anything about it.]

She did a lot of the trust-building without ever saying a word to me.
She let me see the parts of her life that made her who she is. The trauma she's been through.
It wasn't easy for her, I don't think. But I also don't know if she had a choice in what flashes of her life I got to see.
But that might be something you could try, if you do have that choice.
Everyone has things that make them a little more human.

( This, this is very much what he's begun wanting for Peter. Ways in which Peter should perceive him — as useful, helpful, not as something to fear.

There was a time that the demon wanted his vessel to fear him, but that time is gone now. Yet still, Peter sees him as.... a beast, a monster. Something that has stolen his life, tainted it. But whomever this person is.... they're someone that could be learned from, in this very particular situation. )

showing him
things
things that hurt
?

( Admittedly, he does keep most of himself, his thoughts and memories and upsets, locked away from Peter. But perhaps... )

i can show him things if i want to
pictures
and moments
i can make him feel them
but did it not hurt you to feel her hurt
did you not resent her
?
?

If you can do it without making him feel what you felt, that might be better.
Let him come to his own conclusions about things. Try not to hurt him on purpose.

When I saw A2's worst memory... when I learned about what had happened to the woman she loved in the middle of a futile, forever war, she didn't need to gild that metaphorical lily for me.
I think she knew enough about who I was as a person to know that it would be a big enough deal on its own, for me.
I never resented her for any of it. I didn't think it was fair to her to blame her for something that she probably didn't have any say in either.

If you know anything about him and the kinds of things that he might sympathize with, that would be a good place to start.
But if you have the chance to talk to your host, you should let him know what you're doing first.
Tell him that you're trying to show him things about your life that will help him understand you better.
Don't just jump right into it, you know? Make sure he has time to prepare himself, and that he knows why you're doing what you're doing.

( Perhaps... there are ways. Ways that don't involve... forced hallucinations, which is admittedly what Paimon was thinking here — it's among his abilities, to conjure hallucination, illusion. He could make Peter see whatever he wanted. It would be easier to do it that way.

But.... a softer touch, a concept he's been struggling with, and one this person proposes now. Talk to him: it's still such a strange thing to imagine. They don't talk, they don't. They need to. )

i will try to communicate with him
he mostly goes into sleep when he hears or feels me there
shut down

( His host just sort of... shuts off whenever the demon's presence makes itself known. They really are babies to this... But he's absorbing everything said to him like a sponge. )

but we must begin to communicate
if we are to survive here
like you
and A2

( A name that he'll store in his memories now. But there are still so many more things he wants to ask this person, this vessel. )

can she speak and move through you
or is she trapped inside
?
?

[the last question is... a lot. she knows by now the correct answer to it, but she wonders if she's brave enough to say it. she only suspects she knows who this person is, and this is a public thread. maybe she can just... massage the truth, a little.]

She's usually taking a back seat. I know that she can see the world around me and understands it as best she can.
But I'm the one in control of our body and thoughts and actions most of the time.
She's come out once, here, and it was under pretty extreme circumstances.

I think I'd probably like it if she didn't have a reason to come out and take control anymore, but... kind of for my own reasons.
I think she's spent enough time in the forefront of her own life, and I want to give her a peaceful end to her story.
One that she never got while she was in her own body.

Maybe that's too poetic. I don't know. But I just want her to be happy.

( Peaceful. Happy. These are words he understands to be desirable, and yet they make him uneasy in this context.

An end.

Truly, he barely knows the reality of this person's situation, and that of the being that resides within her. But all he can do is relate himself to it, however he can, and the thought of being in... the "back seat" disquiets something in his core. Touches on some deep, strange, fear. The demon has stopped trying to destroy Peter enough to ensure that he can stay powerful enough to function and control this body when he wants to, but if that were to be threatened again... )

she does not feel trapped
being in side
being in back seat
?
?
?
i would feel trapped i would not like it
my vessel has tried to trap me i will not allow it again

I'm not sure.

[she takes a long time to reply while she thinks about how much to reveal. it doesn't have to be too much. it doesn't have to go into details. it won't, in fact, and she types and retypes a handful of things before settling on what to send instead.]

She's only ever come out to the front, I guess, one time that I know of.
And when she decided she was done, she left a note telling me not to do it again.
I don't know if that means she didn't like having to help me or if she's angry at me or what. I know that there was a while when I first came here that I wasn't even sure if she was still with me at all in the first place.

It's complicated, the relationship that she and I have. I'm not trying to suppress her, not anymore. I would let her come out whenever she wants.
I don't think she wants to very often, is the only thing.

( The other being... doesn't want to come out? It's so strange a concept, an idea. He understands that she might want to be left in peace (he has his times where he just wants to rest quietly within the stillness of his vessel, and it is peaceful) — but for that to be the general state? To rest inside... potentially forever?

'she left a note telling me not to do it again'

He's stunned. Stunned, unsettled, and ever more curious by this person and the entity within them... and so, finally, he outright asks. )

is she a demon
?

( It's personal, potentially even too much information, and there's no guarantee this person will answer. But he will at least offer equal information of his own— )

that is what i am

( There was a time he would not divulge as much, but these days things are different. He doesn't have to hide what he is here, the way he did in Deerington. )

[she's certain, now, of who she's talking to. but she won't call attention to it. she's tangled with demons before, ones far less kind and curious, ones with nothing but malice on their minds, and she's preserved his secrets, his anonymity. so what sort of person would she be to deny this demon the same?]

I thought she was, once.
I thought that all she did was murder people. Machines, other androids. Men and women and children, for no reason.
She scared me so, so much. I was terrified of the day that she took control of everything and I was left to sit there walking the program from behind eyes that weren't my own anymore.

[she can be dramatic about it, but this is the closest she's come to outright confessing her single deepest fear on the network. in public, for anyone to see. but this is what vulnerability means, and on top of that, she's several comments deep into a wildly popular post. the odds of some stray surfer finding this information are low. not zero, but low enough.]

I thought she would transform me into a ruthless killing machine who only cared about murdering things.
But now I know better. I know that just because of what someone is called or what they may look like on the outside -- a traitor, a murderer, a demon -- I know it's always worth learning more.
You're a very kind demon, for example. I think you just want the chance to be known.

( The answer is there in the response — android. He knows what that is by now; he's met more than one, through this place. There is an android he's become incredibly fond of, in fact. And he knows that humans may fear something that was made in their image, the uncertainty of what could mean; Peter once deeply feared K, before he grew to love him.

Once again, he finds himself stunned to read words written out like this: things that seem to perfectly capture how his own vessel feels. Being on this side of it... is sobering. Speaking to A Vessel. It would be nice for Peter to speak to this person sometime, he thinks (unknowing that he has; the mix of drugs that his host consumed at the party rendered the demon deeply asleep for a good couple of days....) )

your words
it is how my vessel feels
about me
exactly

( Maybe not as intensely as he once did, when they were so new to each other and Paimon was... not delicate with his host. He had to break him to get inside and he continued to terrorise him for awhile; that was how it worked. But over time, things have...changed. Still, Peter does fear him. Does see him as a monster. And he is simultaneously afraid of being trapped within himself, and being turned into something ruthless. Both of those specific fears that the person lists, cripple the boy with fright some days. He can barely function. He perpetually dreads what will happen to him. )

that is true i wish to be known
to be
seen

( Making this network post, asking people their reasons, was for a purpose — he wants to create his own. Own title, own self. He isn't meant to be hidden away. And to be called "kind" is... a first, for him. He continues to be quietly stunned by this person, their importance. )

i am pleased that you have seen me
i am sorry for the fears you have known
it must be very difficult to be
given to some one else

[this shouldn't feel as new as it does. but the thing that makes it different from what she's heard for the past several years is that this time, it's coming from the other direction. she can fantasize as much as she wants that A2 can hear her, that A2 is listening and that they can have conversations, but they'll never be as clear as what's happening right now.]

[all of that is to say it takes a moment for her to even process the last part of it. she wants to say so much. she wants to say so much, but she can't in good conscience treat A2 like that. what she types is something different.]

Ask your vessel if he remembers a girl in a maid outfit at a party.
If you'd like. If you're going to share any of this conversation with him.
If you don't want to, that's fine, too.

[and because she doesn't just want to leave him hanging when he's been so polite:]

It isn't easy, forcing myself to live for two people. Even now that I've had time to get used to it.
For all the good A2 has done for me, and she's done so much, don't get me wrong...
It's a lot. It's been a lot of work. And it's been a lot of work that I haven't always been willing to put in.
Your vessel has that same road ahead of him, and maybe I'm just talking for myself here.
But looking at the person I was before A2 came into my life, I think it's worth the effort.

You're part of him.
And he can ignore you, or he can fight you, or he can accept you, but only one of those choices is going to make his heartbeat calm down in the middle of another sleepless night.

( A girl in a maid outfit — Paimon doesn't ask questions, doesn't probe further. Clearly it is something meant for his vessel, and the person he is speaking to deserves his respect. He will honour the request (she says it's his choice and that's still such a rare thing for something like him to have). Yes, he will honour this for her. )

i will ask him
there are ways to speak with him that i think will not frighten him so much

( He can draw pictures for Peter.... Doodle a girl in a maid uniform, put some question marks around it... Or, perhaps, he'll try speaking with the boy in dreams. Padded by the haze of sleep, Peter might be more susceptible to conversation. He gets so frightened by the demon in the waking world every time he feels him shudder beneath his skin.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Paimon, this place will soon wrap Peter up in a literal cocoon — bringing both of them back to Peter's homeworld and to the events that transpired there. It will leave them both... strange, for awhile after. Aching and strange.

But Paimon won't forget. Over the next months as winter becomes colder and he regains himself, he'll remember this conversation. He'll make sure to fulfill this person's request. They are certainly someone he wishes to keep connection with, and the words.. affect the demon, deeply. It's looking at an outcome, a road to follow. This person is representative of that, no matter the differences; it's the sameness that feels like a thread to grasp onto in the midst of so much uncertainty. He wishes Peter could see that, too. Perhaps someday, perhaps with this person's help? He could. Perhaps one day he can accept. )

thank you
i am grateful i have met you
i wish to speak with you again
and
i will find you again

i desire for him to become
like you

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