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video; UN: TripleJ

[The feed at first is just a mass of red, curly, curly hair. Then Kyle sits back from where he's propped up his Omni on his desk so his upper body and head are visible. He looks vaguely annoyed, which anybody who knows him will recognise isn't terribly unusual.]

So this is a problem that isn't REALLY a problem, but fuck it, I'm gonna ask about it anyway...

You guys have noticed the clothes here, right? Like, everything looks like you're gonna go hunt Dracula or some shit, or like you're going to that fancy-ass party celebrities go to on earth, the, uh, Met gala? Yeah, that.

Now I'm not a fashion guy. [This is evident to literally anyone who can see the feed - this is clearly a man who bought the first clothes he found that fit. Well, mostly fit. He's looking a bit like he mugged an extra in a bad stage production of Oliver Twist.]

But if I DID want something that didn't look like ass, I don't even know what that would look like, you know? Like if you wanted to make an impression, or something. So I guess just like... what the hell are you guys wearing?

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I don't think anyone here is capable of performing literal miracles, dude.

(Jennifer, be nice. She tips her head fully to the side and purses her lips at him, contemplating. He's not completely hopeless. Maybe.)

Gingers usually look best in green. What kind of impression do you want to make exactly?

(Jennifer grins wickedly, leaning back.)

I've totally delved into the whole Dracula's wife aesthetic. It's a bitching look.

Okay, one? I know, I wasn't asking for a fucking... aghhhhh. [Kyle that is not a word.] I just meant like, how do you keep from looking like a total douche canoe?

I like green.

[He rolls his eyes.] Why am I so not surprised? But, okay, why that? And how do you not look like you're wearing a costume every day?

I don't think there's any wardrobe on this earth that can keep you from looking like a douche canoe.

(Boys just suffered from Constant Douchedom.)

Weeeeeeell. It's not every day. I mix it up. Sometimes I like to look like a hot gunslinger chick or just slum it in jeans. (She shrugs.) I just do it because I think it looks cool. Clothes can make you feel totally badass. I love swinging open the door to a place wearing one of those flowing dresses and storming up to the bar in a pair of killer heels. With the right attitude, no one's going to think anything looks ridiculous on you. It's all about owning it.

Oh come ON! You mean it? [Ugh. he knew it. It's hopeless.]

I mean, it probably helps to look like a model. So I guess you're definitely more on the side of form over function?

No. Don't get me wrong, you have a bazillion glaringly obvious flaws and if we went to the same high school, I'd probably shove your head into a toilet. Buuuut you could probably work some looks.

(She really is incapable of giving a compliment without a few backhands thrown into the mix.)

No duh it helps. I can make those stupid swan dresses from White Chicks look awesome. (She shrugs at the question.) I do both. I've put holsters under a lot of my dresses. I wear heels, but leather ones that aren't gonna get fucked by some mud and blood. Hats and gloves and shit to keep blood off me.

What are you wearing around now?

Dude, no offense, but you couldn't shove my head in a toilet. I respect that you're a cool cannibal monster, but I am NOT that kind of dork.

Huh. Okay. Okay, that I get. I've just seen some really fancy people wandering around and I thought it was sort of weird.

Uh. Pants? Dark stuff.

Dude, I've made mincemeat of dudes three times your body weight and your same height. I could shove your head into a toilet and shit on it.

(There were some seriously eccentric people around. Some of the outfits were downright hilarious, but some were so cool.)

Prufrock is filled with people who do not give a shit about fashion. Same with Darcmouth. I'm pretty sure I saw a dude wearing a rat skin boa. (Which was one of the most disgusting things she has ever seen and she's eaten someone's stomach.)

Pants. Wow, Kyle. I'm so glad you're not walking around with your balls out there for the world to see.

You definitely could not have. You're not the scariest thing I've ever met, sorry.

...was his name Charlie, by any chance?

[He groans and covers his face.] Sorry. Just like... what I have on, it's just pants and usually a shirt that buttons up and like, a coat. It all looks kinda old fashioned so I just assumed it went together.

I'm trying to get more hats, although thank god I found my favourite in my bag when I de-squidded.

Look, I'm not looking for a miracle, but I thought maybe I should find ONE thing that is flattering. Plus I'm actually genuinely wondering how everyone else is managing not to look like an idiot asshole.

I didn't say anything about being the scariest thing you've ever seen.

That dude with the sketchy bar? No. (She actually liked Patty's Pub in some guilty, weird way.)

Oh. (She assesses his appearance with a critical eye.) You should get a fitted trench coat. You're tall enough where it would probably look cool. It would work with the atmosphere but it's understated enough that it doesn't look so obnoxious.

Just don't wear a top hat with it or else you will look like an idiot asshole.

And I'm just saying, you couldn't have dunked me in the toilet in high school. Now, okay, maybe. But I wouldn't recommend it.

Yeah. He seems to have a thing for rats is why I asked.

[He's writing this down. Actually writing it down, like he might be quizzed.] Got it. Thank you. For seriously. I'm really bad at this and lowkey loathe even trying but sometimes you need to look at least SORT of cute.

What? God, no. I just like things that hide my hair and keep my ears warm. They stick out. [Kyle, honey, she can see that.]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MET GALA.

I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY SINGLE DAY. UNLESS I GO OUT. AND THEN IT'S MOSTLY CLOAKS AND HEAVY LAYERS AND HEADSCARVES. THE MORE COVERAGE THE BETTER. I HOPE I DO LOOK LIKE I COULD ANNIHILATE 50 DRACULAS THOUGH.

Why, were you a huge roidhead or something?

Yeah, he really does. (Which made drinking at that bar really questionable.) This place already looks like the bubonic plague. Wasn't that the rat one?

(Holy shit this guy was one of the biggest dorks she has ever met. Her brows knit together and then suddenly, her eyes widen.)

Oooooh my goddddd. You're totally trying to get laid! (Yes, screech that Jennifer, why don't you.)

Yeah. You should invest in some cosmetic surgery on those. (Which probably sounded like an insult but Jennifer had never seen anything wrong with plastic surgery personally. She had always figured one day she'd get a boob job when she had the money for it.)

We can always go shopping if you want.

[Fuck. Why didn't he think Karkat would see this? He should have blocked him, now if Kyle shows up looking like less of a disaster he'll know why. So embarrassing.]

it's this big party where rich people wear really weird shit for some reason. i don't really get it.

dude you could 110% deadass murder 50 draculas no problem.

the cloaks look cool. i think i'm too tall for that i'd look like laundry got caught on a pole.

No, I just don't think you could have!

Yeah, that's the rat one. It's actually REALLY interesting, I was talking to someone else about it not too long ago. Like, massive impact on religion and the economy. [Kyle, stop trying to get people to think history is cool.

His cheeks flame red. He shrieks just as loudly back.] I am NOT! Sex doesn't have to be the motivating factor! I just... might take someone somewhere some day and I'd want them to be like... pleased. That's all.

[He sighs.] I know. It was on the list after rhinoplasty but I'm not exactly rolling in dough. Plus my mom would have freaked.

...really?

(Yeah, man, rookie move. Karkat religiously stalked the network at all times. He is a troll, after all. At least Karkat is completely oblivious to what Kyle's doing here whoops.)

RICH PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING FLAMBOYANT, MAN. THE ROYALS BACK ON ALTERNIA WOULD STRUT AROUND IN THESE STUPID FUCKING CAPES AND ALL THIS JEWELRY AND I WAS ALWAYS LIKE "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU." FUCKING TOOLS.

THANK YOU C:B I HAVE BEEN PRETTY SUCCESSFUL IN MY HUNTING LATELY. I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND GOING TO THE WOODS THEY ARE CRAWLING WITH BEASTS. UNLESS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT IN WHICH CASE TOTALLY GO. BUT WITH ME. JUST IN CASE.

NOT THAT I AM DOUBTING YOUR FIGHTING CAPABILITIES.
IT'S JUST USUALLY SMARTER TO FIGHT MONSTERS IN TEAMS. BASIC SURVIVAL.

THANK YOU. YOU WOULD PROBABLY LOOK OMINOUS AS FUCK. LIKE A THREAT. IT WOULD BE EQUALLY COOL LOOKING.

Fff. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself, gingersnaps.

(Oh, God. Her eyes almost immediately glaze over. She leans forward and puts her head onto her palm, staring at him.) I take it back. Even if you were trying to get laid, you're a walking-talking sex retardant. Clothes would never save you.

(But oooooooh Kyle. Her eyes brighten back up and she drops her hand, laughing outright.)

Sure, dude. (She doesn't buy it for a second.)

Maybe it's cheaper here. I'll look into it. I want some work done too. (She pulls at her cheeks, lifting her eyes and mouth in the process.) I think I'm already starting to wrinkle.

(Jennifer you're literally sixteen shut the fuck up. She lets go of her face.)

Uhhhh duh! That'd be hella fun. (....) It's actually pretty cute you even care to try. Most dudes don't give a shit what they wear.

[Not that he's doing anything! Nope! Not a thing!]

it's ostentatious and just a way to flex your income on people. total tools.

i promise to only go into the woods with you.
i've barely seen any beasts. there's all kinds, right?

you'd still look cooler.

RIGHT? STATUS FLEXING.

WE SHOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT SOMETIME. THERE IS THIS REALLY COOL LAKE UP NORTH THAT'S REALLY NICE LOOKING AT IN THE MOONLIGHT. GRANTED IT IS HORRIFICALLY DANGEROUS TO GET THERE BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT. WE COULD GO CAMPING.

YES. CONSIDERING BEASTS SEEM TO BE MADE OUT OF EVERYONE, PEOPLE AND ANIMALS, THERE SEEMS TO BE A MASSIVE VARIETY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I KILLED THE OTHER DAY BUT IT LOOKED LIKE TEN DIFFERENT CREATURES BUT IF YOU PULLED THEM INSIDE OUT AND THEN TRIED TO REORGANIZE THEM BY ORGAN.

(Yeah, Karkat, you're really selling the forest-not-date idea.)

I THINK YOU ALWAYS LOOK COOL REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU ARE WEARING.

Whatever. [Huff.] And don't call me that.

[He stops, looking annoyed but also a little embarrassed.] Not that I am, but if I were, I'm sure someone would be interested in talking about history.

I'm really not, though. It's different than that.

[He stares at her.] You must be fucking joking. Dude, you look like a movie star.

I get really nervous shopping. A thing happened once. [He says that a lot.]

And I've never cared. Which is maybe like... a little bit messed up sometimes. And I figured this is a whole new life here so. I could try to give at least one fuck.

yeah i'd be down, i like camping. i haven't been in ages. i wonder if it snows here, we could try and go before it totally freezes.

sick, dude!

aww thanks. i think you do, too. you've got the best horns in town. :)

You're not wrong. There's plenty of dork fish in the dork sea.

(She raises a skeptical brow. She refused to believe that guys weren't looking to get laid. That age-old myth was ingrained too deep for there to be any hope.)

How's it different? (She stares right back, and then proceeds to run her fingers through her hair slowly. It's a simple gesture, but there's something decidedly uncomfortable in it, her eyes flickering with something.)

That's completely true, but everyone has something they want to change about themselves. Plus, girls have different standards. We need to keep up or else we'll die of social irrelevance or worse.

(She winds up twisting her hair around, frowning.) I'll fuck anyone up if shit goes south while we shop. What happened?

It's not messed up. It's just like, male entitlement. (But still. Credit where credit is due:) You're already on the right path then. We can go shopping and you can get me food to thank me.

Exactly.

[He sighs.] He's like... my person. You know, that person who just effortlessly understands who you really are. And so I know, intellectually, how unnecessary and even stupid it is to worry about owning a nice sweater or something because they don't care, but sometimes people just make you wanna be your best. And it's not because of sex, it's just them.

...and before you say anything, shut up, I know what I sound like.

I mean... yeah. True. But I think you can at least wait like a solid decade before your slow descent into average looks.

[SIGH.] I was forced into a makeover. By giant crabs.

It's been pointed out to me it might be like,latent internalized homophobia. Which I'd like to fix, if it is.

Yeah, I'll totally get you food.

(She takes out a cigarette and lighter while Kyle gets going about his soppy bullshit. She lights up and leans back, blowing out a thin stream of smoke.)

God, you've got it so bad. I could gag. (Though she actually doesn't sound as cutting about it as she could. She knocks her cigarette off to the side, dropping ashes into a pretty ashtray she found a few days ago.) But like...I get it. Don't tell a goddamn soul. That's how it was with my ex-best friend. Like, yeah, I was the hottest bitch in my school, I didn't even need to try. But whenever I was alone with her I was like, no, I gotta make sure I wear her shirt so she super notices me. She never cared about that shit either, but somehow that made it feel like I had to care more.

People are so stupid. (She was so stupid.)

Maybe...(She takes another puff.) With my new dietary routine, maybe I don't even need to worry about aging ever again. How cool would that be?

(Okay, yeah, she immediately laughs.) Jesus. I think I saw a show where that was an episode. Anyway, I don't care enough to give you a total make-over. We'll just get some shit you like and that I approve of.

Yeah, dude, it kind of sounds like it. And just like, general insecurity, but who isn't insecure? Sweet. You can get me something fried. I think I can actually eat normal food if I'm full. (Which was kind of awesome.) Eating on an empty stomach makes me go all Exorcist. And you're a dweeb, but I don't really want to puke on you either. When do you wanna hit up the shops?

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE SMART. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WILL DO IN THE COLD. I AM SLIGHTLY ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. WHEN I WAS ON THE OTHER EARTH, WE WERE IN A CONSTANT WARM CLIMATE. AND MY HOME PLANET HAD A SUN SO INTENSE IT WOULD BLIND US IF WE EVEN OPENED OUR EYES OUTSIDE DURING THE DAY.

WHAT IS WINTER LIKE? I KNOW IT IS VERY WHITE. NOW I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD INSTALL A FIREPLACE IN THE CAVE.

I WILL PREPARE FOR THE COOLEST FUCKING CAMPING TRIP EVER. ALSO THE SAFEST BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE THAT COOL TO GET EATEN WHILE TRYING TO SLEEP.

IT WAS INCREDIBLY SICK.

SHUT UP OH MY GLOB. HORNS AREN'T EVEN COMMON HERE!! THAT'S AN UNFAIR STATEMENT.

[Ok, Luz knew well enough that she didn't know everyone on the network, but when it came to things like this, specifically with fashion and things, Luz couldn't help but want to give a few suggestions].

We've noticed! It's pretty steam punk, which if you don't know is basically Victorian aesthetic with a bit of a twist. That twist is actually what makes it really fun! The best part is that it doesn't necessary ONLY restrict itself to that too, so you pretty much have room to play around with what best suits you!

Me for instance. I'm a girl, but I find that my clothing style can flicker from feminine to non binary, you know? I I'm going out on the regular, I'll go simple, something like this with black shorts and leggings and some comfortable shoes. If I'm going out, I might try for something a little more outlandish, something to add a little flair!

It's kind of up to you if you want to go simple or outlandish.

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text because ig you get all tags from me now

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which is a GIFT

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