video; UN: TripleJ

[kyley_b]

[The feed at first is just a mass of red, curly, curly hair. Then Kyle sits back from where he's propped up his Omni on his desk so his upper body and head are visible. He looks vaguely annoyed, which anybody who knows him will recognise isn't terribly unusual.]

So this is a problem that isn't REALLY a problem, but fuck it, I'm gonna ask about it anyway...

You guys have noticed the clothes here, right? Like, everything looks like you're gonna go hunt Dracula or some shit, or like you're going to that fancy-ass party celebrities go to on earth, the, uh, Met gala? Yeah, that.

Now I'm not a fashion guy. [This is evident to literally anyone who can see the feed - this is clearly a man who bought the first clothes he found that fit. Well, mostly fit. He's looking a bit like he mugged an extra in a bad stage production of Oliver Twist.]

But if I DID want something that didn't look like ass, I don't even know what that would look like, you know? Like if you wanted to make an impression, or something. So I guess just like... what the hell are you guys wearing?

Comments

which is a GIFT

[kyley_b]

[Fuck. Why didn't he think Karkat would see this? He should have blocked him, now if Kyle shows up looking like less of a disaster he'll know why. So embarrassing.]

it's this big party where rich people wear really weird shit for some reason. i don't really get it.

dude you could 110% deadass murder 50 draculas no problem.

the cloaks look cool. i think i'm too tall for that i'd look like laundry got caught on a pole.

[klawful]

(Yeah, man, rookie move. Karkat religiously stalked the network at all times. He is a troll, after all. At least Karkat is completely oblivious to what Kyle's doing here whoops.)

RICH PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING FLAMBOYANT, MAN. THE ROYALS BACK ON ALTERNIA WOULD STRUT AROUND IN THESE STUPID FUCKING CAPES AND ALL THIS JEWELRY AND I WAS ALWAYS LIKE "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU." FUCKING TOOLS.

THANK YOU C:B I HAVE BEEN PRETTY SUCCESSFUL IN MY HUNTING LATELY. I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND GOING TO THE WOODS THEY ARE CRAWLING WITH BEASTS. UNLESS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT IN WHICH CASE TOTALLY GO. BUT WITH ME. JUST IN CASE.

NOT THAT I AM DOUBTING YOUR FIGHTING CAPABILITIES.
IT'S JUST USUALLY SMARTER TO FIGHT MONSTERS IN TEAMS. BASIC SURVIVAL.

THANK YOU. YOU WOULD PROBABLY LOOK OMINOUS AS FUCK. LIKE A THREAT. IT WOULD BE EQUALLY COOL LOOKING.

[kyley_b]

[Not that he's doing anything! Nope! Not a thing!]

it's ostentatious and just a way to flex your income on people. total tools.

i promise to only go into the woods with you.
i've barely seen any beasts. there's all kinds, right?

you'd still look cooler.

[klawful]

RIGHT? STATUS FLEXING.

WE SHOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT SOMETIME. THERE IS THIS REALLY COOL LAKE UP NORTH THAT'S REALLY NICE LOOKING AT IN THE MOONLIGHT. GRANTED IT IS HORRIFICALLY DANGEROUS TO GET THERE BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT. WE COULD GO CAMPING.

YES. CONSIDERING BEASTS SEEM TO BE MADE OUT OF EVERYONE, PEOPLE AND ANIMALS, THERE SEEMS TO BE A MASSIVE VARIETY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I KILLED THE OTHER DAY BUT IT LOOKED LIKE TEN DIFFERENT CREATURES BUT IF YOU PULLED THEM INSIDE OUT AND THEN TRIED TO REORGANIZE THEM BY ORGAN.

(Yeah, Karkat, you're really selling the forest-not-date idea.)

I THINK YOU ALWAYS LOOK COOL REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU ARE WEARING.

[kyley_b]

yeah i'd be down, i like camping. i haven't been in ages. i wonder if it snows here, we could try and go before it totally freezes.

sick, dude!

aww thanks. i think you do, too. you've got the best horns in town. :)

[klawful]

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE SMART. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WILL DO IN THE COLD. I AM SLIGHTLY ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. WHEN I WAS ON THE OTHER EARTH, WE WERE IN A CONSTANT WARM CLIMATE. AND MY HOME PLANET HAD A SUN SO INTENSE IT WOULD BLIND US IF WE EVEN OPENED OUR EYES OUTSIDE DURING THE DAY.

WHAT IS WINTER LIKE? I KNOW IT IS VERY WHITE. NOW I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD INSTALL A FIREPLACE IN THE CAVE.

I WILL PREPARE FOR THE COOLEST FUCKING CAMPING TRIP EVER. ALSO THE SAFEST BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE THAT COOL TO GET EATEN WHILE TRYING TO SLEEP.

IT WAS INCREDIBLY SICK.

SHUT UP OH MY GLOB. HORNS AREN'T EVEN COMMON HERE!! THAT'S AN UNFAIR STATEMENT.

[kyley_b]

oh that makes sense why you're always so blinky in the light, yeah. i'll make sure the lights aren't ever blazing when you come over.

well winter during the day is actually really bright too if the sun is out cos it reflects off the snow. you can legit get sunburned. it's cool at night if it's clear with a big moon tho, you can see a lot. and it's cold obvs but also crisp, like it feels clean in a way it never does in the heat. at least if you're out in nature, it's less appealing in town where it's just dirty slushy roads. dude if it snows this winter i'll take you x-country skiing.

i think you should definitely install a fireplace. this place has a damp cold and that shit gets in your bones. like it aches.

i appreciate that. dude this will be so awesome i'm going to scour this city for anything approaching marshmallows so we can have s'mores cos you deserve em.

i dunno i've seen at least two other people with them and yours were much cooler. juuuuust saying.

[klawful]

YEAH I AM NOCTURNAL AS FUCK. MY EYES ARE SENSITIVE GLOBES. THANKS. FAKE LIGHTS AREN'T TOO AWFUL ALTHOUGH THOSE FLUORESCENT ONES DESTROY ME.

FUCK THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO BLIND. THAT SOUNDS SO WEIRD. CAN YOUR BODY PARTS REALLY FALL OFF BECAUSE OF THE COLD OR IS THAT JUST SOME BULLSHIT MYTH? OH GOD. WHAT THE FRESH FUCK IS SKIING AND DOES IT HURT?

THE COLD SO FAR SOUNDS STUPID AS SHIT. I'LL MAKE THE FIREPLACE ASAP. PROBABLY ONE NEAR THE BED. OH FUCK THAT WILL BE SO COZY.

I HAVE A FEELING YOU ARE GOING TO DEBAUCH MY MOUTH WITH FLAVORTOWN AND I'M FULLY PREPARED AND WILLING. (Karkat, there were probably better ways to say that.)

YOU ARE SUPREMELY BIASED.

[kyley_b]

luckily all my bulbs are warm. i think it makes things look cozier.

well they don't just fall off but you can get frostbite and have to have things amputated yeah. usually fingers and toes.

hahaha it's not for everyone. i'm used to it, it snows like all the time where i'm from. and hell yes, dude, SO cozy. you saw how mine works, i am fucking thrilled to have it.

[Excuse him he just needs to have a minor crisis for a moment. After his brain reboots.]
ok yes. yes i will debauch your mouth.

if i thought you looked dumb i'd tell you.

[klawful]

I LIKE YOUR PLACE. IT IS "COZY" AS YOU SAY. IT FITS YOUR PERSONALITY. WHICH I ALSO LIKE.

HOLY FUCKING COCKCHOKING MOTHERSHIT. THAT SOUNDS TERRIFYING WHAT THE FUCK. MAYBE I WILL JUST HIBERNATE THROUGH IT. PLEASE, USELESS BODY, GO INTO A LONG-TERM SLEEP HOLY SHIT.

WHERE DO YOU TECHNICALLY COME FROM? I MEAN I KNOW EARTH BUT I AM REALIZING I DO NOT KNOW THE SPECIFICS. NOT THAT IT WILL MEAN ANYTHING TO ME, BUT STILL.

I'LL KEEP MY JAWS OPEN. JAW OPEN? JAWS? I THINK THERE IS ONLY ONE JAW BUT NOW I AM WONDERING WHY THAT ONE MOVIE WOULD BE CALL JAWS. WAIT NO I THINK IT'S TWO JAW BONES TECHNICALLY AND THEREFORE IS THE PLURAL OF JAWS.

(........)

WOW SHUT UP.


THAT WAS "SHUT UP" AT ME NOT YOU.

THANK YOU. I WOULD LET YOU KNOW TOO. VERY LOUDLY AND EXPLICITLY AND IN GREAT DETAIL.

[kyley_b]

thank you. :)

it's really not that bad! and i'll make sure you don't freeze. oh! i should have a slime prototype for you by like, beginning of next month.

oh i'm from south park, colorado. it's a very small town. nothing interesting, really.

yeah i think its jaws in the context of like 'jaws open.' but then only singular if you get punched in the jaw. huh.

lol you're so fucking funny dude.

thanks. i appreciate it.

[klawful]

OH FUCK REALLY? THAT WOULD BE REALLY NICE. EVEN IF IT IS A COMPLETE FAILURE THAT'S STILL A VERY NICE GESTURE. I'M SURE IT WILL WORK.

NEVER HEARD OF EITHER OF THOSE THINGS, SHOCKING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I GREW UP IN A VERY BLAND PART OF MY WORLD TOO. IS SOUTH PARK COLORADO AT ALL LIKE THIS PLACE?

OKAY, YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE. I SHOULD JUST CALL THEM THE OBLITERATION BONES FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE.

YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOR.

[kyley_b]

fuck really! and if it doesn't work we'll try again.

no, not at all, this place is so big and there's SO many people. altho i guess my hometown was overrun by weird shit on a fairly regular basis, so i guess that at least is familiar.

that sounds like a metal band name.

i do not!

[klawful]

THERE REALLY IS AN INSUFFERABLE AMOUNT OF CIVILIZATION HERE. I FEEL LIKE WE ARE IN ONE GIANT GLOBE WAITING FOR A MERCILESS GOD TO SHAKE IT UP WHEN IT GETS BORING. I AM IMAGINING A JAR FILLED WITH BERRIES AND SHAKING IT VERY HARD. OUR BODIES WILL BE THE BERRIES HITTING THE GLASS. IF YOU GET MY IMAGERY.

DOES IT SOUND LIKE A GOOD METAL BAND OR A SUBPAR METAL BAND THAT GETS BY BECAUSE THEY HAVE A GOOD SCREAMER?

YES, YOU DO C:B

[kyley_b]

i totally get your imagery, and i agree. altho people seem to make decent lives here so maybe it's not so bad.

the latter.

my sense of humour is refined and intelligent.

[klawful]

WELL, YES. I AGREE TO THAT. EVEN THE WORST PLACES HAVE REDEEMABLE QUALITIES. THIS ONE SEEMS TO BE IN ITS COMPANIONSHIP.

D:B

ARE THOSE THE DESCRIPTORS YOU'RE GOING TO USE FOR IT? ARE YOU SURE.

[kyley_b]

i'd agree with that. plus we have food and running water and electricity. i like that.

fuck you you short piece of shit.

[klawful]

IT IS PRACTICALLY LUXURIOUS.



WOW. OKAY. I WANT YOU TO KNOW, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, THAT I WOULD EAT THE FUCK OUT OF BOTH YOUR LEGS, AND THEN YOU WOULD BE SIGNIFICANTLY SHORTER THAN ME. AND I WOULD MAKE YOU BOW DOWN TO MY COMPLETELY AVERAGE HEIGHT.

[kyley_b]

exactly.

i dunno dude even legless i might be your height.

[klawful]

(Karkat is actually sitting around trying to figure out if Kyle was right. He tries to count on his fingers a few times before giving up.)

THEN I WILL FORCE YOU ONTO YOUR STUBS AND HANDS. LIKE A FOOTSTOOL.

[kyley_b]

like to see you try

[klawful]

I COULD MAKE YOU SUBMIT SO HARD YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!

(Why can't they ever be normal.)

[kyley_b]

you could not! if anybody is gonna submit it's YOU!

[They can't help themselves.]

[klawful]

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY. AND FAIL.

[kyley_b]

you'll see me WIN