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video; UN: TripleJ

[The feed at first is just a mass of red, curly, curly hair. Then Kyle sits back from where he's propped up his Omni on his desk so his upper body and head are visible. He looks vaguely annoyed, which anybody who knows him will recognise isn't terribly unusual.]

So this is a problem that isn't REALLY a problem, but fuck it, I'm gonna ask about it anyway...

You guys have noticed the clothes here, right? Like, everything looks like you're gonna go hunt Dracula or some shit, or like you're going to that fancy-ass party celebrities go to on earth, the, uh, Met gala? Yeah, that.

Now I'm not a fashion guy. [This is evident to literally anyone who can see the feed - this is clearly a man who bought the first clothes he found that fit. Well, mostly fit. He's looking a bit like he mugged an extra in a bad stage production of Oliver Twist.]

But if I DID want something that didn't look like ass, I don't even know what that would look like, you know? Like if you wanted to make an impression, or something. So I guess just like... what the hell are you guys wearing?

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Okay, one? I know, I wasn't asking for a fucking... aghhhhh. [Kyle that is not a word.] I just meant like, how do you keep from looking like a total douche canoe?

I like green.

[He rolls his eyes.] Why am I so not surprised? But, okay, why that? And how do you not look like you're wearing a costume every day?

I don't think there's any wardrobe on this earth that can keep you from looking like a douche canoe.

(Boys just suffered from Constant Douchedom.)

Weeeeeeell. It's not every day. I mix it up. Sometimes I like to look like a hot gunslinger chick or just slum it in jeans. (She shrugs.) I just do it because I think it looks cool. Clothes can make you feel totally badass. I love swinging open the door to a place wearing one of those flowing dresses and storming up to the bar in a pair of killer heels. With the right attitude, no one's going to think anything looks ridiculous on you. It's all about owning it.

Oh come ON! You mean it? [Ugh. he knew it. It's hopeless.]

I mean, it probably helps to look like a model. So I guess you're definitely more on the side of form over function?

No. Don't get me wrong, you have a bazillion glaringly obvious flaws and if we went to the same high school, I'd probably shove your head into a toilet. Buuuut you could probably work some looks.

(She really is incapable of giving a compliment without a few backhands thrown into the mix.)

No duh it helps. I can make those stupid swan dresses from White Chicks look awesome. (She shrugs at the question.) I do both. I've put holsters under a lot of my dresses. I wear heels, but leather ones that aren't gonna get fucked by some mud and blood. Hats and gloves and shit to keep blood off me.

What are you wearing around now?

Dude, no offense, but you couldn't shove my head in a toilet. I respect that you're a cool cannibal monster, but I am NOT that kind of dork.

Huh. Okay. Okay, that I get. I've just seen some really fancy people wandering around and I thought it was sort of weird.

Uh. Pants? Dark stuff.

Dude, I've made mincemeat of dudes three times your body weight and your same height. I could shove your head into a toilet and shit on it.

(There were some seriously eccentric people around. Some of the outfits were downright hilarious, but some were so cool.)

Prufrock is filled with people who do not give a shit about fashion. Same with Darcmouth. I'm pretty sure I saw a dude wearing a rat skin boa. (Which was one of the most disgusting things she has ever seen and she's eaten someone's stomach.)

Pants. Wow, Kyle. I'm so glad you're not walking around with your balls out there for the world to see.

You definitely could not have. You're not the scariest thing I've ever met, sorry.

...was his name Charlie, by any chance?

[He groans and covers his face.] Sorry. Just like... what I have on, it's just pants and usually a shirt that buttons up and like, a coat. It all looks kinda old fashioned so I just assumed it went together.

I'm trying to get more hats, although thank god I found my favourite in my bag when I de-squidded.

Look, I'm not looking for a miracle, but I thought maybe I should find ONE thing that is flattering. Plus I'm actually genuinely wondering how everyone else is managing not to look like an idiot asshole.

I didn't say anything about being the scariest thing you've ever seen.

That dude with the sketchy bar? No. (She actually liked Patty's Pub in some guilty, weird way.)

Oh. (She assesses his appearance with a critical eye.) You should get a fitted trench coat. You're tall enough where it would probably look cool. It would work with the atmosphere but it's understated enough that it doesn't look so obnoxious.

Just don't wear a top hat with it or else you will look like an idiot asshole.

And I'm just saying, you couldn't have dunked me in the toilet in high school. Now, okay, maybe. But I wouldn't recommend it.

Yeah. He seems to have a thing for rats is why I asked.

[He's writing this down. Actually writing it down, like he might be quizzed.] Got it. Thank you. For seriously. I'm really bad at this and lowkey loathe even trying but sometimes you need to look at least SORT of cute.

What? God, no. I just like things that hide my hair and keep my ears warm. They stick out. [Kyle, honey, she can see that.]

Why, were you a huge roidhead or something?

Yeah, he really does. (Which made drinking at that bar really questionable.) This place already looks like the bubonic plague. Wasn't that the rat one?

(Holy shit this guy was one of the biggest dorks she has ever met. Her brows knit together and then suddenly, her eyes widen.)

Oooooh my goddddd. You're totally trying to get laid! (Yes, screech that Jennifer, why don't you.)

Yeah. You should invest in some cosmetic surgery on those. (Which probably sounded like an insult but Jennifer had never seen anything wrong with plastic surgery personally. She had always figured one day she'd get a boob job when she had the money for it.)

We can always go shopping if you want.

No, I just don't think you could have!

Yeah, that's the rat one. It's actually REALLY interesting, I was talking to someone else about it not too long ago. Like, massive impact on religion and the economy. [Kyle, stop trying to get people to think history is cool.

His cheeks flame red. He shrieks just as loudly back.] I am NOT! Sex doesn't have to be the motivating factor! I just... might take someone somewhere some day and I'd want them to be like... pleased. That's all.

[He sighs.] I know. It was on the list after rhinoplasty but I'm not exactly rolling in dough. Plus my mom would have freaked.

...really?

Fff. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself, gingersnaps.

(Oh, God. Her eyes almost immediately glaze over. She leans forward and puts her head onto her palm, staring at him.) I take it back. Even if you were trying to get laid, you're a walking-talking sex retardant. Clothes would never save you.

(But oooooooh Kyle. Her eyes brighten back up and she drops her hand, laughing outright.)

Sure, dude. (She doesn't buy it for a second.)

Maybe it's cheaper here. I'll look into it. I want some work done too. (She pulls at her cheeks, lifting her eyes and mouth in the process.) I think I'm already starting to wrinkle.

(Jennifer you're literally sixteen shut the fuck up. She lets go of her face.)

Uhhhh duh! That'd be hella fun. (....) It's actually pretty cute you even care to try. Most dudes don't give a shit what they wear.

Whatever. [Huff.] And don't call me that.

[He stops, looking annoyed but also a little embarrassed.] Not that I am, but if I were, I'm sure someone would be interested in talking about history.

I'm really not, though. It's different than that.

[He stares at her.] You must be fucking joking. Dude, you look like a movie star.

I get really nervous shopping. A thing happened once. [He says that a lot.]

And I've never cared. Which is maybe like... a little bit messed up sometimes. And I figured this is a whole new life here so. I could try to give at least one fuck.

You're not wrong. There's plenty of dork fish in the dork sea.

(She raises a skeptical brow. She refused to believe that guys weren't looking to get laid. That age-old myth was ingrained too deep for there to be any hope.)

How's it different? (She stares right back, and then proceeds to run her fingers through her hair slowly. It's a simple gesture, but there's something decidedly uncomfortable in it, her eyes flickering with something.)

That's completely true, but everyone has something they want to change about themselves. Plus, girls have different standards. We need to keep up or else we'll die of social irrelevance or worse.

(She winds up twisting her hair around, frowning.) I'll fuck anyone up if shit goes south while we shop. What happened?

It's not messed up. It's just like, male entitlement. (But still. Credit where credit is due:) You're already on the right path then. We can go shopping and you can get me food to thank me.

Exactly.

[He sighs.] He's like... my person. You know, that person who just effortlessly understands who you really are. And so I know, intellectually, how unnecessary and even stupid it is to worry about owning a nice sweater or something because they don't care, but sometimes people just make you wanna be your best. And it's not because of sex, it's just them.

...and before you say anything, shut up, I know what I sound like.

I mean... yeah. True. But I think you can at least wait like a solid decade before your slow descent into average looks.

[SIGH.] I was forced into a makeover. By giant crabs.

It's been pointed out to me it might be like,latent internalized homophobia. Which I'd like to fix, if it is.

Yeah, I'll totally get you food.

(She takes out a cigarette and lighter while Kyle gets going about his soppy bullshit. She lights up and leans back, blowing out a thin stream of smoke.)

God, you've got it so bad. I could gag. (Though she actually doesn't sound as cutting about it as she could. She knocks her cigarette off to the side, dropping ashes into a pretty ashtray she found a few days ago.) But like...I get it. Don't tell a goddamn soul. That's how it was with my ex-best friend. Like, yeah, I was the hottest bitch in my school, I didn't even need to try. But whenever I was alone with her I was like, no, I gotta make sure I wear her shirt so she super notices me. She never cared about that shit either, but somehow that made it feel like I had to care more.

People are so stupid. (She was so stupid.)

Maybe...(She takes another puff.) With my new dietary routine, maybe I don't even need to worry about aging ever again. How cool would that be?

(Okay, yeah, she immediately laughs.) Jesus. I think I saw a show where that was an episode. Anyway, I don't care enough to give you a total make-over. We'll just get some shit you like and that I approve of.

Yeah, dude, it kind of sounds like it. And just like, general insecurity, but who isn't insecure? Sweet. You can get me something fried. I think I can actually eat normal food if I'm full. (Which was kind of awesome.) Eating on an empty stomach makes me go all Exorcist. And you're a dweeb, but I don't really want to puke on you either. When do you wanna hit up the shops?

Oh, shut up, I don't have anything bad. [Being honest with yourself? What's that? He doesn't sound poised, though.]

I won't tell anyone, promise. And yeah, that. Exactly that.

Pretty cool, honestly. You do know smoking ages the shit out of your skin, right?

[He manages a smile.] I wouldn't be surprised. They're very into media.

Yeah. So I figure the best way to handle it is to cry super uncomfortable and see that it won't fucking kill me.

Thanks. Whenever works for you, honestly, since you're doing me a favour. I'm currently doing well - I had a zombie thing following me for a while but it hasn't been back for weeks.

I can't tell if you're intentionally being obtuse or not.

(She blows a puff of smoke right at the camera.)

Yeah, and so does stress and sunlight and a bunch of other shit. But if my body can heal pimples and whatever, I think it can heal whatever shit I'm putting in with a cigarette.

(Probably. She has no idea.)

What the fuck? For realz? What kind of zombie are we talking here.

I'm not.

I'm just saying, quitting smoking is maybe a better step than cosmetic surgery before the age of twenty-one.

[He nods.] Yeah. Uhm, I couldn't see it, apparently certain bloodtypes noticed them a lot easier. But it was me. Like a fucked up ghoul version of me just crawling around after me making me feel like shit.

Sure, Jan.

(Uggggggh he reminded her way too much of Needy sometimes. She rolls her eyes.) I don't smoke that much, mom.

That's so gnarly, oh my god. (It was actually kind of cool...She sulks.) Why didn't I get a fucked up zombie version of me stalking me around? Everyone gets all the cool shit.

I'm just saying. [He had to accept he's the mom friend long ago.]

Dude, it was NOT cool! Like I couldn't see it do I'm not sure how gross it was, but my friend said it was pretty nasty. I can say the effects of it were definitely not cool at all because it was just like... I looked tired and gaunt and generally sick, and I felt really, really lonely. It sucked.

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