Video: UN - CentaursTesticle

[alternia_strength]

[Oh thank god. This one wasn't Equius' eye-blistering text message for once. Why? Well, because what Equius was doing right now required a visual aid, so video was more appropriate. The troll is standing in front of the camera, growling at an anvil and holding a heavy looking mallet. He is dressed in a pitch-black dyed leather apron along with equipment designed to handle heat. There's a towel hanging over a rack nearby, three of them actually, and he looks like he's worked up a sweat already. Setting down the hammer, he pulls out a stylus and holds it up so the camera can see it clearly.]

Residents of Trench. It seems I am made to continue to exist at the whims of others more powerful than myself, and for the time being I accept this condition. [Grunt] But I am a firm believer that idle hands are Troll Satan's playthings and accustomed to making myself useful. Rather than leaving my place of occupation, because for some reason I can't seem to find my way out of this district and am disgusted with the lack of direction everyone possesses around me at present, I offer my services.

This? Is a stylus, with which I can draw. [Snort. He took a piece of paper.] That is not important. What is important is that I possess a capacity I refer to as Alchemization. It is a ... gift I learned in more recent years. What I draw on paper, I can create. Thusly.

[He scrawled on the paper, before producing what looked like metal ingots, if they were drawn by a child. Emblazoned on them was the symbol Fe, for Iron. He dared the camera to speak about his skills at drawing before putting the paper down and reaching into the drawing, pulling out a set of metal ingots and setting them on the anvil.]

Complex creations take more energy, and there are limits, but I can create non-living things. I am skilled at assembling those things into others that are more useful. My specialty is weapon and armor crafting. I am told some of you have an interest in this subject.

So. Speak. I am looking for people to work with in the fabrication of instruments of death and destruction most fearsome and willing to create objects of necessity for others. Might as well make myself useful while I am trapped here.

...

And do not mock my drawing skills, or I will throw one of these ingots at you. I only need so much iron in the forge today. They make passable projectiles in my hands.

Comments

[klawful]

IT IS WHEN IT LIMITS YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH ANNOYING ASS PEOPLE.

DUDE, I'LL BE HONEST, I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ARMOR.




YES BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU I AM EXTREMELY GIFTED AT FULFILLING MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND FILLING MY QUADRANTS. JEALOUS? WHO AM I KIDDING. OF COURSE YOU ARE.

(He actually wasn't, but he was a pathetic romantic and after being with Dave for years, he super did not want to be alone. Plus Kyle was awesome. Plus Karkat was a dumbass who absolutely did this shit all the time.)

[alternia_strength]

D --> I would be concerned if you knew much about armor
D --> Armor is anathema to our people
D --> Even you are not so combat averse
D --> Even Tavros was not

D --> Not e%actly
D --> I am not l00king to find a moirail because I will never find a better one than I had
D --> And I have no emotional needs
D --> I thought I did for a second
D --> But it was flatulence

[That was actually a joke.]

cw: coerced romance

[klawful]

I AM FUCKING SICK AT COMBAT. I DIED WAY LESS TIMES THAN ALL YOU ASSHOLES DID.



YOU LITERALLY MADE AN ENTIRE ROBOT TO FORCIBLY TRAP ARADIA'S SOUL AND TRY TO FORCE HER TO RETURN YOUR DISGUSTING FEELINGS. YOU FEEL TOO *STRONGLY* AS IT WERE AND HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW TO SELF-MANAGE YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND NOW I GUESS BECAUSE OF THAT YOU'RE PRETENDING LIKE YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE AT ALL WHEN THAT'S JUST DEEPLY UNHEALTHY. TROLLS ARE MEANT TO HAVE THEIR QUADRANTS FILLED AND NEPETA WAS PERFECT FOR YOU, EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T PERFECT FOR HER, BUT SOMEONE ELSE COULD STILL BE GOOD FOR YOU. AND ALSO, SELFISHLY, FOR MY OWN SANITY.

NOT THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU, BUT TO HAVE A FUNCTIONING TEAM OUR QUADRANTS SHOULD AT LEAST BE RELATIVELY WELL BALANCED.

(Karkat, no one's on your fucking team...!)

ALSO THAT JOKE WAS FIT FOR A WIGGLER I AM SO EMBARRASSED YOU EVEN TYPED THAT AND SENT IT.

Re: cw: coerced romance

[alternia_strength]

...

[Grunt]

D --> You do not need to remind me about my errors with Aradia
D --> It t00k nearly a sweep to properly apologize to her
D --> Which of course she seemed not to even understand because of her emotional distance to literally everything
D --> Why do you think I am not creating a robot with my powers at the moment
D --> T00 much temptation to simply recreate that robot

[NOT REMOTELY THE POINT EQUIUS]

D --> I am not engaging in romantic frivolities until I am more certain of my own think pan
D --> But if I begin to e%perience calligonous emotional e%pression I may seek out an ausptice
D --> The last occasion I began to e%press those feelings it did not end well
D --> Though they did survive the e%perience so that was a positive

[EQUIUS, YOU"RE NOT HELPING!]

D --> Currently my view is that leaving my quadrants untouched in the cold void of nothingness I was tasked to e%press in the game is best
D --> There is balance in nothingness

D --> Also there are no teams
D --> And that joke was STRONG and beautiful in its purility
D --> Dave human would have laughed

[Dave had occasionally scatalogical humor. That didn't say much.]

Re: cw: coerced romance

[klawful]

(Wow, the bastard really has changed, huh.)

WE HAVE ALL DONE STUPID SHIT IN OUR QUEST FOR ROMANTIC FULFILLMENT. AT LEAST YOU HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO BOTHER WITH AN APOLOGY AT ALL. THAT'S MORE THAN SOME ASSHOLES CAN SAY.

I JUST FIGURED IT WAS BECAUSE YOU BECAME INCOMPETENT WITH IT OR SOMETHING.

(Oh...Hm.)

I BEGRUDINGLY ADMIRE YOUR SELF-AWARENESS AND BITTERLY RESPECT THAT DECISION TO KEEP A ROMANTIC DISTANCE UNTIL YOU ARE ADJUSTED. THAT IS ACTUALLY WILDLY MATURE AND PROMISING FOR YOUR FUTURE QUADRANTS. AS YOUR LEADER, I APPROVE OF YOUR GROWTH, IT WILL BENEFIT THE TEAM AS A WHOLE.

THERE *IS* A FUCKING TEAM BECAUSE I GODDAMN SAID THERE IS. AND YOU KNOW WE WILL NEED A TEAM THE MOMENT SHIT HITS THE FAN SO IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO OPERATE UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT WE ARE STILL A FUNCTIONING UNIT READY FOR THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO AT ALL FUCKING TIMES. YOU'RE ON MY TEAM, BITCH.

DO NOT TELL ME WHAT DAVE WOULD OR WOULDN'T DO. BUT YOU ARE TECHNICALLY RIGHT HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE.

Re: cw: coerced romance

[alternia_strength]

D --> It is better that we not speak about Aradia

[This had little to do with him being angry. For all that he had a terrible temper, she was a deep wound for him, because he had finally acknowledged just how obsessed with her he'd been, and how much it had been wrapped up with his obsessions about that f'd up caste system. And, above all, while he'd admit that to Nepeta and Aradia? He probably wouldn't to Karkat.]

D --> I make no promises about misinterpreting advances
D --> It has been known to happen
D --> Thankfully nobody is attempting to pick a fight with me these days
D --> I am STRONG again after all and their bones are fragile

D --> There are only two of us
D --> I see little reason to oppose this because you will do it regardless
D --> Like telling Sollu% not to prophecy our collective d00m
D --> It is impossible

D --> And you are at least correct that the fecal e%crement will strike the oscillating unit at some point

[klawful]

(Karkat was an asshole, but he wasn't heartless, and he knew there were certain things he would never want to be pestered about. The situation with Aradia had been sweeps ago, and while Karkat had brought it up, he wouldn't have brought it up if he thought Equius was still that same-old creep either. He almost tells Equius that too, but decides to instead just respect his wish on leaving the subject in the past with a simple:)

FINE.

(They can move on.)

THEY PROBABLY TAKE ONE LOOK AT YOU AND ARE LIKE WOW, IF I TOUCHED THAT GUY, I WOULD NEVER GET THIS DISGUSTING SWEAT OFF MY HANDS.

THERE MAY BE TWO OF US, BUT I HAVE BEGUN ALLOCATING RESOURCES TO CREATING A NEW TEAM THAT WILL UNFORTUNATELY HAVE MANY HUMANS ON IT, PROBABLY. BUT THEY WILL AT LEAST BE USEFUL HUMANS.

IT ALWAYS DOES. BECAUSE LET'S BE REAL, NEITHER OF US WAS DESTINED FOR A BORING LIFE.

[alternia_strength]

D --> Actually I weirdly promote a certain amount of natural animosity
D --> You might be surprised e%actly how often I am blackflirted with
D --> It is occasionally disturbing

[No, he probably wasn't surprised that people wanted to punch you in the face after one conversation, Equius.]

D --> Useful
D --> Humans
D --> This is frequently a pair of words that do not belong in the same sentence structure
D --> Certain e%ceptions in our past aside

D --> I would actually enjoy a boring e%istence

[klawful]

I AM NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUCKING SURPRISED, DUDE. WHILE YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE, YOUR PERSONALITY IS EXTREMELY HATEABLE.

IF THEY HAVE BEEN USEFUL ONCE, THEY CAN BE USEFUL AGAIN.

AS IF. YOU WOULD GET BORED AND BE LIKE, FUCK THIS, I'M SO GODDAMN BORED. OUR KIND AREN'T MEANT TO SIT AROUND BORED. WE'D ALL GO STIR CRAZY AND START PICKING FIGHTS OVER NOTHING.

[alternia_strength]

D --> I will take that as a complement

[...look, it kind of was in their culture. So...]

D --> Be ch00sy about which you e%pand the roster with
D --> Their utility is a highly variable concept across the species

D --> I simply begin creating vast robot armies in my basement and d00msday weapons for future use
D --> Eventually one of the robots runs amok and I have to smash them all before something goes wrong
D --> It is better that I stay employed
D --> Idle fronds are the Troll Devils playthings

[klawful]

WHATEVER.

(It really was...Karkat was even mildly jealous of how hateable Equius is sometimes. Not that he will ever admit that.)

I THINK I FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DETERMINE WHICH HUMAN IS USEFUL OR NOT. ALSO, HAVE YOU MET ME? I HAVE ZERO PATIENCE.

YEAH, I MEAN, I GET IT. I'VE STARTED FUCKING WITH THE NETWORK HERE TO SEE WHAT HACKS AND VIRUSES WORK. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING WITH BLOOD MAGIC. BETWEEN THE TWO OF US WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO PRODUCE ENOUGH STUFF TO END THIS TOWN IN A FEW MINUTES IF WE NEED TO.

[alternia_strength]

D --> Your fascination with John human causes me to question your judgment at times
D --> Regardless of his deceptive levels of strange capacity at key moments
D --> But you have insisted you are g00d at this for sweeps

D --> Nothing can go wrong with this plan of e%traordinarily destructive implements
D --> But that does bring up an interesting point
D --> So you believe that bl00d is essentially a specialized form of grist here
D --> I may need to get over some of my concerns if this is truly the case

[klawful]

I DON'T HAVE A FASCINATION WITH HIM *ANYMORE*. AND THAT CRUSH WAS SWEEPS AGO CAN WE PLEASE LET IT DIE IN THE PAST WHERE IT BELONGS. I WAS YOUNG AND YEARNING.
BUT I WAS ALSO RIGHT. HIS POTENTIAL WAS EXTRAORDINARY AND ESSENTIAL TO OUR SESSION. AS WERE THE OTHER HUMANS.

YES, I DO. I HAVE SEEN WEAPONS ENHANCED WITH COLDBLOOD. WHAT CONCERNS? I MEAN, BESIDES THE OBVIOUS.

[alternia_strength]

D --> I was not referring to your romantic pursuit
D --> Though I will admit that it is likely e%ceptionally wise you rescinded that
D --> And I am aware he was somehow important
D --> He is still a f00l

D --> The obvious
D --> I simply have to get beyond this particular issue