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Video: UN - CentaursTesticle

[Oh thank god. This one wasn't Equius' eye-blistering text message for once. Why? Well, because what Equius was doing right now required a visual aid, so video was more appropriate. The troll is standing in front of the camera, growling at an anvil and holding a heavy looking mallet. He is dressed in a pitch-black dyed leather apron along with equipment designed to handle heat. There's a towel hanging over a rack nearby, three of them actually, and he looks like he's worked up a sweat already. Setting down the hammer, he pulls out a stylus and holds it up so the camera can see it clearly.]

Residents of Trench. It seems I am made to continue to exist at the whims of others more powerful than myself, and for the time being I accept this condition. [Grunt] But I am a firm believer that idle hands are Troll Satan's playthings and accustomed to making myself useful. Rather than leaving my place of occupation, because for some reason I can't seem to find my way out of this district and am disgusted with the lack of direction everyone possesses around me at present, I offer my services.

This? Is a stylus, with which I can draw. [Snort. He took a piece of paper.] That is not important. What is important is that I possess a capacity I refer to as Alchemization. It is a ... gift I learned in more recent years. What I draw on paper, I can create. Thusly.

[He scrawled on the paper, before producing what looked like metal ingots, if they were drawn by a child. Emblazoned on them was the symbol Fe, for Iron. He dared the camera to speak about his skills at drawing before putting the paper down and reaching into the drawing, pulling out a set of metal ingots and setting them on the anvil.]

Complex creations take more energy, and there are limits, but I can create non-living things. I am skilled at assembling those things into others that are more useful. My specialty is weapon and armor crafting. I am told some of you have an interest in this subject.

So. Speak. I am looking for people to work with in the fabrication of instruments of death and destruction most fearsome and willing to create objects of necessity for others. Might as well make myself useful while I am trapped here.

...

And do not mock my drawing skills, or I will throw one of these ingots at you. I only need so much iron in the forge today. They make passable projectiles in my hands.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We did successfully escape the destruction of Alternia, yes. As to whether it "helped," that is a somewhat convoluted explanation which involves temporal shenanigans within temporal shenanigans, repaired by further temporal shenanigans to get it right, ultimately resulting in a successful result. Or so I have been told repeatedly. I did not live to see the conclusion of those events. It's enough to make your think pan explode.

Aradia is not present. Only Karkat and myself. [He shook his head brusquely.] She will not be difficult to recognize if she shows up. She is both bubbly and emotionally dead inside. The combination is unique to her.

Bah. Heathens. I simply have to make sure I actually control them this time. It can't be that difficult for once.

[Equius, NO.]

Ohhhhhh right, right. You gotta watch those temporal shenanigans. Especially when they pile up. I hear they can get messy. Uh..sorry for the death, though. You're definitely not the only dead person here. Which...genuinely was meant to be comforting but now I've said it out loud it's kinda weird.

I don't think I've talked to him yet. But wow, that's... that's a really unique combination. It's usually one or the other.

Uhhh word of warning, if you try it here it might go wrong? The dream had a habit of doing that and I can't see why this place would be any different. You don't want to be killed by your own deathbots.

[Also maybe DON'T make deathbots?? But that thought doesn't occur to him.]

Time shenanigans are maddening.

[Look, when you scratched the scratch and then John Egbert basically cheated with his windy powers to go back in time and redo the entire damned game basically so they could win, it just ... gave headaches. SGRUB was a silly place.]

Ah. I have had more than a full sweep of existence beyond my mortality to embrace my existence. There is no need for condolences. Death is the lot of trolls at some point. we are a violent, warlike race.

...

Typical. [He growled.] I will test with non death bot constructs, single units. Something easily smashed to pieces if necessary. To test the limits of idiocy this world subjects me to.

They sure are! You think you understand something and then it's uh oh not actually, everything is backwards, surprise!!

[He's dealt with Rapunzel coming to him from different points so many times now he's about to start throwing rocks at people.]

...Still, it's not...pleasant, right? Knowing you're...uh. Dead.

There you go- test things safely first and then move onto the uh...dangerous things. Just while you get a feel of the place.

Something of that nature, yes.

[Yeah, Vriska. Just Vriska. Twelve different versions of intolerable depending on timeline position, and he'd seen them all.]

I suppose trolls are more immunized to the concept. It does not really offend me much.

[No, that's just you. Terezi had a LOT of opinions on the topic.]

I should probably use human baselines for danger. You crush easily.

I'm not sure if that should be comforting or not. Being more...immunized to it.

[He chuckles awkwardly.]

Yeah, we crush super easily, I'd rather avoid that.

[Being crushed to death is not an experience he wants to repeat. ]

I am not exactly surprised you would say it. That sounds like a human perspective on the subject. Death is just ... well ... commonplace for our people. That is all.

[He shrugged, laughing very slightly.]

No crushing capacities on deathbots. Got it.

[That... uh... that was him making a joke.]

Well, yeah. I'm human. Kinda...prone to having a human perspective on things by default.

[Varian's really not sure if that's a joke or not so he will let out a soft, awkward hah hah.]

There you go! Just avoid the uh...crushing.

To be expected. Yes. Humans will Human.

[Yeah, his sense of humor was pretty badly formed. The awkward laugh got a grin and a nod.]

Stabbing is acceptable, however. Oh wait, no. Your kind require the fluids to remain inside. Must remember this.

[He winked. Which... obviously... did not show up properly, because he wears his sunglasses at night.]

[The winking WOULD be so much easier to catch if you weren't wearing sunglasses dude this is true. At least Varian can laugh, like the weirdo he is. ]

Hah, yeah we definitely need those fluids on the inside. It gets messy when they're on the outside.

Generally. I am also told it makes the think pan very light internally. But I digress.

I will most likely take the matter of robots one step at a time.
I have some experience with wayward machinery and while good for strength training?
I don't need them getting loose.

Yes, it definitely does that too. Assuming think pan is your brain? It...it sounds like it would be your brain.

Hoo no, you don't. Luckily there's plenty of empty spaces here too- good for uh... test runs.

Close. It is the pan in which thinking occurs. Humans refer to it as the skull I believe. But you seem to grasp the notion of the way in which we refer to things.

[He nodded.]

I might destroy a section of forest for testing space. Good open fields or the like. Would be cathartic too.

Well...the skull is what houses the brain. It doesn't actually do any thinking, it's just bone.

[Normally he would encourage this but he's hyper-aware that his boyfriend is emotionally linked to the plant life here now and he'd rather not have Fern deal with that, so: ]

I uh...don't think you need to partake in any deforestation. There's lots of open land out there already.

Convenient. I can make use of open spaces if there is little complication. But this is more a reference for the future. The winter months approach. I won't be nearly as able to get out actively until that concludes.

The difficulties and trials of being coldblooded.

Oh, yeah I have-

[Oh wait. He doesn't mean it Like The Trench Way. ]

Like a reptile? Yeah, I can see where that would be a problem. My boyfriend has issues like that, too. You can get some pretty warm clothing, though! That said if it's the kind where you need to go into some sort of brumation, you might wanna find somewhere safe to hole up.

To be more precise, our species possesses closer ties to insectoid species. We have larval and pupal stages in our life cycles, and are gestated from eggs with the assistance of a hive mother not unlike a queen buzz bug.

I believe this is similar to your dinosaurs' evolutionary development into avian populations and your distant relation to primates. Bipedal constructions are common to advanced species.

Oh. Well, that's- that's definitely new. How does that affect your familial processes? I'm assuming with a hive mother it's not exactly the sort of parental upbringing a human would have?

That is true! Fascinating, I've never met any sort of person like you before. I'd love to learn more.

We are raised in something akin to what you humans have called a 'foster system.' A creature known as a Lusus raises us from grub to adulthood, frequently remaining long afterwards. Some are capable of speech, some are not, but all are generally able to guide the grub towards understanding their nature and place in society. Beyond this we are solitary creatures who develop our social skills by denegrating, insulting, attacking and trolling each other. Those that survive are tempered like good iron.

...

Well, that was the old way. There were problems with it, and at this time I am unsure how the changes manifested after my expiration and the croak beast ribbiting up a new world. [...look... just run with it. Homestuck is weird.]

most people find me rather unpleasant to be around. It's the sweat.

[No, it's the reason you sweat, dude.]

[Varian's definitely committing all of this to memory. This is fascinating. ]

Oh wow, so it's... well, it sounds pretty... rigid. Like, not much room to be whoever you wanted to be? I'm glad that things changed? They might have changed for the better, hopefully. With the [LONG FUCKING PAUSE] croak beast.

[Oh no, not another world as UTTERLY BATSHIT as Ooo is. Please no.]

Really? That seems a really superficial way to not like people. I don't find you unpleasant at all.

You would be surprised just how much variety you can have within blood types. However, yes, the rigidity was ultimately stagnating to the integrity of the societal structure and problematic. Karkat has... likely improved things.

Yes. Croak Beast.

I sweat a great deal. [...] It is caused by people's behavior. I am told my reactions are awkward? Yes, that was the most polite way anyone put it.

...

I need a towel.

We have plenty of variety with the blood types here, so I think I'd be able to understand a little. But yeah, change is important anywhere. Nothing can exist in a vacuum forever.

Is that like... a really big frog, or?

[He's just like...staring into space for a moment.]

Sweating is a really superficial reason to not like someone. It kinda sounds like you just get nervous around people? That's no reason to treat anyone badly.

...

Like...right now?

The Genesis Frog. A gigantic creature summoned by the Life Role player in the game, which initiated the conclusion of the game. Life and Time members were needed to complete events and cause it to ribbit up the Genesis Seed, from which was born a new reality.

[Yep.]

I am thinking about the reasons that make me sweat. It is causing me to sweat. [He grunted] Humans behave too salaciously as a species as a general rule. It affects me. They're worse than trolls and trolls are bad about this.

I have to be careful not to let my think pan wander.

...I think I'm actually more confused now.

[Why, oh why, did he ask about the frog. ]

I'm sorry, I still don't understand why the sweat is such a big issue.

...
...

You are not a very salacious person, I presume. It will probably not be much of an issue most days. [Ahem] Hide buckets if I happen to be visiting. My people react poorly to them.

Please do not ask me to explain that. We just do.

Video: UN - CentaursTesticle

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