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004 Video; UN: Cuddlebunny

[Usually, Usagi would just make this a text, but this was for Rei.

She took a deep breath as she looks at the camera, her eyes red and swollen, her nose red as well. She offers a wet smile before it falls away completely.

She takes another deep breath.]

For those of you who knew her, Rei Hino went- went home.

[Her breath hitches on that last part but she gets it out without a single sob or tears. Rei would be proud. She's done her crying, though, in truth, she's likely to do more later. Usagi knows she'll see Rei again, their lives intertwined, but it doesn't make her loss hurt any less.

Usagi debates for a moment if she should say anything else, pressing her lips together, and then lets out a breath.]

I know she meant a lot to many of you and those of you who Rei loved, she loved you fiercely, I can say that with certainty. [Rei never loved by halves.

Usagi is silent for a moment and then nods. She leaves it at that, at a loss on what else to say.]

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[It takes some time, but Luz manages to fly over to see Usagi, ice cream in one hand and a personal chocolate cake in the other. It isn't much but hearing that message compelled Luz to go over immediately, because doggone it Usagi had had enough stuff happen to her lately.

Of course, Luz being the person that she is, greets Usagi completely out of breath, but still carrying both the cake and ice cream].

H-hi! T-thought you might want to talk, or snack. Came. As. Fast as I could.

[She's still in Christmas mode, so yes, this is what she's wearing].

[It takes SEVERAL minutes for the door of her house to open. Mostly because Usagi has stood behind it and contemplated not opening it. Usagi doesn't want company, and she certainly doesn't want company she didn't ask for. She would rather be allowed to sob and cry and be a mess by herself or with the girls. She doesn't like people seeing her in a complete breakdown.

Which is what this caused, a complete and utter breakdown. But the door does open. Swollen eyes look Luz up and down and she curls her fingers along the door. She's a wreck. Nothing about her is bright or enthusiastic, she's... dull. She's like a shadow of her actual self.]

T-To be honest, Luz... [Her voice is hoarse.] I'm not in the mood to talk or to eat. [You always knew Usagi was properly upset when she had no appetite.]

But you're here, so come in. [She opens the door a bit wider.] It's cold.

[In the time that Usagi took to answer the door, Luz was taking several breaths and quietly regretting coming. It was her first instinct, because she'd seen Usagi's memories, she knew by now that people from her world MATTERED to her, whether they were her soldiers or her friends. She also knew, however, that Usagi might not want the company. She may have composed herself for the network, but that didn't mean that she was going to be in a good state for people actually coming to see her.

But this was typical Luz behavior from home: do first, ask questions later. In this case, her less than stellar arrival was punctuated by Usagi's sobering arrival. The mentioning of not being able to eat was a bad one, and worse still, that company was not wanted].

Sorry! I'm dumb, I should have asked! I just...

[She came into the place, shivering a little, but just as determined not to show any more weakness right now].

...I just can't stand it when my friends are in pain. So. I came.

Luz [She says it so tiredly.] I already said come in. [All of her emotional exhaustion was seeping in. She doesn't have the energy to boost Luz's confidence and correct her self-deprecation. Honestly? Right now? She doesn't care. She cannot be a support for Luz. She doesn't have the anything to make Luz feel better when she feels like she does right now.

She pulls away from the door opening it wider.]

Or don't.

[She's not in any mood to play this self-deprecating game.]

I guess I'll go make you something. [Because now she has to play hostess.]

You don't have to make me anything.

[There were a lot of thoughts swirling in the young girl's head, but more importantly, she saw how tired Usagi was, how utterly defeated she sounded, and she hated that. She hated that this place made Usagi relive her worst moments, made her imagine that her friends hated her for choosing to come here, that corruption could seep into them, and further, that now Usagi had to deal with the loss of a friend. A close friend.

She just wished this place could give the girl a break].

I just wanted to say. I'm sorry. Not just say it, but tell you myself. And I wanted to offer my help, with anything you want in the house. That's all. You don't have to entertain me or feed me or anything like that. I can take care of myself there.

F-fine... [She shakily breathes. But she's trying to stop herself from breaking down. She... weirdly doesn't feel comfortable enough to do it in front of Luz, because Luz is like Chibiusa, someone to protect and keep safe, someone she has to be strong for, so she can't be a whimpering, sobbing MESS in front of Luz.

She merely moves to sit on the bed, feeling hollowed out.]

I don't... I don't know what needs to be done. Something... probably... I don't know.

[Luz, being the girl that she is, instinctively offers the girl a blanket].

When I'm depressed, I sometimes make a kind of blanket fort for myself. I make it as soft as I can, as warm as possible, and wrap myself around it and try to think of good thoughts. I think it comes from when I was younger and felt alone most of the time. My mom would make me a fort from my stuffed animals and bury me in them. I'd laugh, and we'd start talking about things that happened that day, and I'd feel better.

[Luz looked outside a moment, at the shuddering cold].

But even I know that doesn't always work. Rei, she was a friend of yours. You guys were close. And now she's gone, and you don't know how to move past that. I might have started Trench in Varian's house, and it was a distraction, but I felt like that myself.

[Usagi might think she was talking about Eda, but Luz was actually speaking about Margot. Eda, after all, was a woman who always landed on her feet, and while it hurt to lose her, Luz knew even Deerington couldn't keep her contained.

Margot though? She would never get her back, and even if they met, Margot wouldn't be able to talk or remember her. All that they shared, gone].

And sometimes, there's no good answer. Not for a while.

[Usagi silently, limply takes the blanket, holding it close, her fingers curling into the fabric. A blanket fort wasn't a terrible idea, she just wasn't in any mood to do any building. She didn't want to create something. She wanted to shut out the world and live in one where all her loved ones existed. She had been a place where she could have been warm and safe forever, but had chosen to keep going so long as it had been with Mamoru and the girls beside her. But now? Now another loved ones was gone.

She moved to wrap herself up in the blanket.]

Rei... she has this perpetual warmth to her. [She whispered.] Even in cold like that, [She had seen Luz's glance.] she could warm you up.

She smells like fire and temple incense and flowers.

I'm not surprised. I only got to meet Rei once, but she definitely seemed like a girl who was amazing all by herself. And she was SO pretty, I was kind of intimidated the moment I saw her! People are like that sometimes, they have this air where they're beautiful and strong, and sometimes it makes it hard to be around them, but in a good way.

[Luz couldn't begin to describe how that worked, but it was just how she felt. As for Luz, she was already trying to make the bedding around Usagi comfortable, the pillows fluffed, the blankets untangled].

It'll be some time before you can feel alright with her being gone. Not that I think I need to tell YOU that. You were in Deerington for some time before I arrived there.

Edited 2022-01-09 12:23 (UTC)

[It was both comforting and grating to hear Luz talk about Rei. She loved hearing people acknowledge and see what she saw in Rei, but she also didn't want to hear others' stories about her. It wasn't that she didn't want to keep Rei to herself, she couldn't even if that were true, but right now, it was just a growing reminder that Rei wasn't here. And she didn't feel close enough to Luz to allow herself to be THAT vulnerable around her and break down like she so desperately wanted. Luz had seen A LOT from Usagi, but that didn't mean she wanted to share this part of her.

And she knows Luz doesn't mean it in any way except comforting, but it feels so... patronizing, the way she's telling Usagi what she should already know, reminding her of her own length in Deerington and now, here. No, no she DOESN'T need to be told, so why is Luz telling her? Why are you telling her anyway, Luz, she wants to yell.

But it's not Luz's fault, Usagi is just upset, this is precisely why she didn't want company she didn't ask for because she's trying desperately to rein in her own heartache, trying to prevent it from lashing out. She wants to cry and be mad and be sad but she CAN'T because Luz is here. She feels awful for wanting to just scream "SHUT UP" at Luz but also desperately wants Luz to just STOP talking about Rei and what Usagi should know.

So Usagi only opts for silence and bringing her knees up to her chest and hiding her face in her knees because she doesn't want to lash out at Luz. Luz has done literally nothing wrong and is only trying her best to comfort her, to connect to her.

Usagi just DOESN'T want to be connected with right now. She takes deep calming breaths because she can't be vulnerable, not in the way she wants. Luz is not someone she feels she can be vulnerable with.]

[In the back of her mind, Luz knows that she's out of her depth. How could she not be? Usagi was older than herm had been here longer, had friends that were helping her literally fight against evil, and now one of them was gone. On top of that, Luz had only started to understand exactly the kinds of things Usagi was dealing with, to see some of the anxieties that were cropping up and then she goes and loses someone close to her.

It was the worst. It was a low, sad feeling that just never went away no matter what you did, and Luz knew that. Every day when she woke up, she remembered what it was like waking up curled up over her sister Margot and her fur feeling safe, and now that was something she'd never get back, and no one even remembered her. How could Usagi come to terms with that, knowing how much she meant to her?

But the worst thing was that Luz knew she couldn't come up with words to try and ease Usagi's pain. Part of her wished she could DO that, that she could help, that she could magically come up with the right things to say. The thing was, she couldn't. She had to come to terms with the fact that nothing she said was going to reach Usagi. She was older, she'd seen more, and likely, there were people closer than her who knew what she needed better than she did.

And in Usagi's stance, drawing up her body, Luz could see that now. For a moment, there was a soft, sad look the girl had on her face, but that was all. Luz understood, at least, that Usagi needed to be away, to feel her feelings without her here. She swallowed and got up].

Well. I'll get out of your hair though. You probably don't want to entertain people right now, and you need time to miss her. So. If you need anything, just ask. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. I know I'm not...always great at this, but I wanted you to know that I see your pain. That it matters. That I'd try and shoulder some of it, you know?

[But that was impossible. She was Sailor Moon. NO ONE shouldered what she did. Luz had gotten peaks into other people's lives, and understood that each of them were part of their own specific universe, and even when they brought them here, there was an understanding that some things could be shared, and some couldn't].

Take care, Usagi-chan.

[And with a slight hesitation, she reaches over and hugs the girl, as warmly as she could, because it hurt to see her in pain, she wondered why she wasn't better at helping to ease people's troubles if she had to have this blood magic].

[She pauses, for a moment, and hugs Luz back, letting out a soft breath. It's not that she doesn't appreciate Luz attempting to help her, but she... she can't open up the way Luz wants her to, not to her. Luz is too young, Luz may have seen some things, but they've never really properly talked about it afterwards. Luz is... so young in Usagi's eyes. Yes, she's faced what Deerington has thrown at her, but she WANTS Luz to be a teenager, to enjoy what she can when she can. She isn't going to lay down her load at Luz's feet. She knew, personally what it meant to grow up too fast, to have burdens you weren't ready for laid down across your shoulders.

She holds Luz a little longer, staring off into nothing and lets out a breath.]

You too, Luz-chan. [She whispers, hoarse, barely holding on to her strength for this to send Luz on her way without having to find out how deep Usagi's pain goes.]

[Luz would remember this.

It hadn't become apparent to her, but there was a reason that Doorway was her Pthumerian. Relationships with her friends, with her family, they meant a lot to her, and that was apparent when good things happen and similarly when bad things did too. If there was one thing that hurt Luz to her core, it was seeing her friends in pain. She did everything in her power to stop it, even if it meant making herself uncomfortable. So seeing Usagi like this and not being able to help was something that hurt her, because she could see that pain so clearly in the girl's eyes.

But Luz knew she didn't have the power to help. It was a painful thing to acknowledge, but in the end she cared about what Usagi wanted, and she wanted to grieve right now. Sometimes being alone and crying was the only balm that would help. After all, how would Luz had felt if her friends had barged in on her right as she'd gotten home from losing Eda? She'd have been a wreck.

Luz took a breath, then put a hand on her shoulder].

I...I'll see you later, Usagi-chan. Wherever she is, I'm sure that you'll see her again. If you need me, just find me. I'll be around.

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004 Video; UN: Cuddlebunny

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