deernet | video; un: shiro

[Shiro's other half is groaning in the back of his mind for sure.]

Look at us. We make quite the pear.

[Sorry Adam. Rest assured, Ryan would too if he were privy to this monstrosity. Maybe pun torture will finally be the thing to convince Min-Gi that bonding wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Let’s get married so I can psychologically waterboard you with fruit puns, says local teen who can’t even say the word gay out loud.]

Lime all yours, Shiro. I can do this all day.

[His gaze turns unfocused for a minute. And then he laughs, shaking his head.]

Adam says you're very apple-ing.

[Get it, like appealing.]

But, man, I'm grape-ful for the laughs. Really.

Well I guess we’ve just got a good vine, growing.

Can I ask you something? If it’s ap-pricot?

[like appropriate? Mmm okay maybe that one was kind of a stretch.]

[He chuckles a bit more, finishing off the orange with shaking hands.]

Yeah, sure thing. What's up?

[Oh good, you’re finished. Share this next one with him :)]

Mm, so you just have Adam in your head all the time? That’s like, no privacy. Doesn’t it bug you?

[Wow. Wow. Fine - he'll take some too.]

Yeah. We're just kind of bouncing back and forth a lot in there. [He shrugs slightly, to keep the wincing down.]

No, it's not a lot of privacy, you're right... but. When I woke up here, he wasn't. It took him three months to show up. And I admit, I didn't handle it well. Felt like all the progress we made in Deerington, everything we worked out was - just gone. Like it had been for nothing.

But now... even if one of us ends up back in the ocean, we'll still know they're out there. We'll still have the connection. No matter what happens, he won't lose me, and I won't lose him.

Makes the no privacy worth it, you know?

[It resonates in a way Min-Gi wasn’t expecting and he sits with it in contemplative silence for a long moment.

It’s a familiar story from the other perspective and it makes him wonder why Ryan has never brought it up. Forget about the part where it’s getting married, because that is way too much and- ah. Yeah. That’s probably why Ryan hasn’t brought it up. They’ve known each other their whole lives but they’ve only just started dating. Getting married right away is something their parent’s generation did. It would be weird if they did.

Plus, you know, the whole inside each other’s heads all the time thing. How do you make that work? Do Shiro and Adam just not have any problems? Do they not fight or have random, dark, intrusive thoughts?

Maybe it’s just him and Ryan who do that.

Maybe Ryan wouldn’t want to if he knew what really went on inside his head. Maybe he wouldn’t like him anymore or he’d be too much. That’s such a gamble.

Yeah.. that must not be a problem for Shiro and Adam. Or Wu and Mako.

They’re just better people than Min-Gi is. It must be that simple. Look at how badly he’s been handling what’s happening with Ryan right this moment. He’s here eating oranges and telling fruit jokes instead of searching for a cure. He’s pathetic.

It occurs to him then, that he has been silent for probably way too long, worrying a segment of orange until it’s split in his fingers. Each fine, plump cell is free and glistening, and they look slightly sinister in this outlook. Like jagged teeth.

Too quiet, Min. Say something.

He forces a nod, shaking himself out of the spiral (for now) to answer.]

Ryan’s waited for me for six months. And so many terrible things have happened to him. Are still happening to him. I’m trying my best but inside? I know I’m powerless to stop it.

[While Min is quiet, so is Shiro. Partly because he's tired, just sitting upright. And partly to wait while the gears turn in Min-Gi's head. Something is chewing away in there - he wants to ask. He should ask. But he doesn't know Min well enough to know if asking will mean withdrawing.]

[And hell if he knew what was going through the kid's head, he'd probably have choked. Sure, him and Adam have come a long way, but no problems? That's... almost comical, really. He'd bet Wu and Mako have their own issues, too - but that's for them to divulge. If, you know, those thoughts ever came out.]

[Still, when the orange pops apart, he reaches out, despite the aches in his bones. Covers one of Min's fruit-splattered hands in his own. It's okay. You're good.]

That's not your fault. [Firmly, but not unkindly.] None of us can control when we turn up here. As for the rest of it... [His hand drops, and he shakes his head.]

A lot of us have been powerless for a long time, here. We do whatever we can to get by - and sometimes, all we can do is just be there for the people we love. I know that doesn't sound like much, it doesn't feel like much.

But if it's everything you can do, I can't fault you. And neither will he.

[It's decent logic but does little to lift his spirits, so easily sunk as he remembers the weight of his current situation.

Still, he attempts a smile (also falling flat) and looks from Shiro's hand back to his face after taking a breath.]

That's kind of you to say but it doesn't really help me right now.

Do you really think bonding would help?

What if-

[No, stupid, stop.

Then again, what has he got to lose?]

What if we did it and it only made it worse? What if he doesn't like what he sees inside me?

[That kind of crushing let down would destroy him. Just the thought is enough to make him want to run. Maybe he's worn out his welcome. He should probably go. He didn't come over here for solace and Shiro didn't sign up for this when he decided to enforce a pseudo-adoption.]

I get that. [He's not offended, honestly. Even if he wasn't Shiro and therefore very hard to offend...] It doesn't feel like it does any good at all sometimes. You just - you keep trying. As hard as you can. Hope for the best.

Even when you feel useless.

[Totally not speaking from experience there! Not at all! He frowns though, shaking his head slightly.]

Min, I can't say what would be best for the two of you. But I don't think you should rush into it - not just to try and fix something. Talking it out would be the best thing to do. And if that can't happen right now, then you need to wait until it can. [He hesitates, looking down at his hands. Metal and flesh.] ... Take it from someone who learned too late. Talk things out. Don't hold things back from your partner.

Why wouldn't he like what he sees? He's already crazy about you.

[Local man who struggles to talk things out when he should advises younger man with same issue to do as he says and not as he does. More news at 11.

Shiro, how dare you call him out on a character cornerstone. Holding things back from his partner? This guy? If that isn't an arrow true to target via the jugular.

So much so that he doesn't answer it at all, just nods with a half shrug and fiddles with his broken orange piece like it's a representation of his failure.]

Liking me and dealing with everything in my head is different.

[But is exposing all his ugly worth being able to find Ryan if he's kidnapped and tortured again? It's one extreme to another and he can't answer the question without feeling like shit.]

Forget it.

[The quick decision to shut down and retreat. Old habits die hard. Min-Gi shakes his head a little and sighs, beginning the motions of pulling himself back up to leave. To run, like he always does. It's what he's good at.]

I should probably be getting back to him. Here's hoping he even believes it's me.

No.

[Is he saying 'no' to forgetting it? Or 'no' to dealing with everything in one's head? Or both? It doesn't matter. The word is firm and steady, absolutely assured. I don't care how sad, how falling apart, or how much you feel. I care about you. About Sad Chloe, Happy Chloe, Angry Chloe, Falling Apart Chloe- This smacks of that talk, of standing in the driveway in the middle of the night and swearing up and down how much his friend had meant to him.]

[Like then, he straightens up. It's more of an effort this time, to drag himself to his feet. But he's going to do it. To make it known how serious he is. One hand braces against the arm of the couch in the process.]

Min, loving someone means you love them for all of them. For the good parts, the bad parts. [He hesitated, because as much as he wants to leave it at that, it won't do much good on its own. It's just words. Just empty advice. He exhales, looking down at the pile of oranges, his voice quieter, tighter.] There are... so many parts of me I don't want anyone to see. That I don't want anyone to know.

[The captivity, the failures, the literal marks of it all. The damned metal arm and the face of someone he barely recognized. The nightmares. His right hand flexes, and he swears he can hear mechanisms whir.]

But I told him. [Eventually. When things calmed down.] I told him everything I could remember... He's been there, through most of the Dream. Most of this world. Maybe he doesn't like everything that's in my head, I know I don't either.

But he accepts it.

And we're working on it. As partners.

[It's emotional, this moment. Heavy in a way Min-Gi hadn't prepared for when he came over with fruit and the hope of seeing a real life hover bike.

But as cool as that would have been, and as much as this hurts, it's plain which moment he needs more. And as awful and vulnerable as it makes him feel, maybe that's where growth comes from.

That's what his experience in the past has been, anyway. Not that he was always so good at seeing it. What's really nice, is Shiro meeting him half way - opening up and being honest and speaking with him like he's a real person capable of making his own choices. He isn't raining down (well-intentioned) absolutes the way his own parents do, nor has he crafted a ten point plan for Min-Gi to follow in order to find happiness.

If Shiro was serious about this parenting thing then he has a strange method.

Not bad, just different.

He sees now why Shiro means so much to Ryan, he is literally the most hands on (father figure? Big brother? Role model?) he's ever had. Ryan needs that really...really desperately.

Min-Gi needs it more than he realized.

He stills as Shiro gets up, his attention locked on the older man. He knows there's a lesson here. He does. He gets it. It's a lesson in communication with his partner via Shiro's example.

But man his knee jerk is to say well isn't that great for you, congrats on being such a perfect couple, man.

Instead, Min-Gi bites his lip and nods. It's a big ask- and one he knows he rightly should be able to do- why is he so afraid? It's just- stress. Right? It has to be.

You've been quiet for too long again, say something, you idiot-]

Yes.

[A little rushed. Like it's off the tail end of a conversation. Pathetic. Just like these oranges on the table. He should have peeled them before presenting them. That was so rude. His mother would be so embarrassed. He can't even give fruit correctly, how can you mess up giving fruit?!]

I mean- yeah, yeah you're right. And I'm really glad you have someone like that. You deserve it.

When he's better- I'll talk to Ryan when he's better. When it's the right time, you know. It's not about me right now.

So do you.

[The answer is automatic. It's immediate. The long pause, the way he can almost see the gears turning in Min's head right then. There's something here. Something buried. He wishes he knew him better, enough to gently pry that issue free. Let it air out, breathe.]

[But all he can do is stand here, and assure Min of the things Shiro himself doesn't completely feel. It's gotten occasionally better, through the bond, because the doubt is chased away by indignation from the other end. Not erased, but eased.]

You barely know me, but you're here, in my house, asking for help for Ryan. Trying to figure out how to make things easier for him. You came back, too, Min. Whatever it is you're not sure you want him to see... you deserve having someone in your corner, too.

[He has to sit down, though. Exhaling sharply as he flops back into the couch nest. Closing his eyes for just a moment.]

... there... might be something you can do with him, thinking about it now. To get him to refocus.

[Talking about things in their heads, about support from partners, jarred that loose.]

[Exhale.

He came back after running away in the first place.

Asking for help now, the long way around, because everything he's been doing feels like he's making it worse (though it's important to say that wasn't why he came here, nor is he trading crappy fruit for help).

Everything is getting worse. Worse and worse and worse. It's crushing, all of this is crushing. He can barely think. If it's not Trench falling in around his ears it's Ryan consumed by what can only be corruption or fumbling through all of it half scorched because everyone's (everyone's, every person, every plant, every single gleaming thread of life humming in every direction clashing to crescendo-) auras are absolutely blinding- ]

Anything.

[Another snap answer. Then, to something he knows all too well.]

Tell me what to do.

[He actually smiles, at that eagerness. That abrupt and sincere answer. That is exactly what he's talking about, right there. Exactly why he is absolutely certain there's not much in this kid's head not to like. Or that can't be worked out.]

C'mon. Sit down. It's easier if I walk you through it.

[Because if he actually verbally explains it, he'll sound crazy. He reaches out to the pile of oranges while he waits for Min to sit, picking up one of the more... abnormally-skinned ones. With scarring and lumps. Perfect.]

Get comfortable, close your eyes.

[The ugly orange. Why did he even pick that one, why didn't he peel these before coming in??

Min-Gi looks from the orange to Shiro and back, biting his top lip as he casts judgment onto the fruit and settles himself to sit.

A beat. Then he closes his eyes. This is awkward.]

I know this is going to sound weird, but... go with it. Okay?

[It always sounds weird. Even when you know it's coming. But a little elaboration won't hurt.]

We did this, a few times, when I've been - seeing things I don't want to see. When I'm too caught up in my head to function. It's meant to ground you in what's real.

[He sets the orange in Min's hands.]

I want you to describe this to me. Keep your eyes closed. Tell me what it feels like. As much detail as you can. Without saying "it's an orange".

[Ah, 'It's An Orange', the Ryan Akagi Special. Which is tempting, but no. This is too important.

Weird, but important. He thinks about it for a long moment, slowly rolling the orange between his hands.]

It's rough.. but smooth. Rough isn't right, bumpy? Firm.

[A grunt. He shakes his head.]

I messed that up, let me start again-

It's um.

[Min-Gi wets his lips. This is frustrating.]

Hey, it's okay. [Nope, we're not having that. Shiro cuts in, firmly, but calmly. We are not making this into Right Answers Only.]

You can't mess up. There's no right answer here, Min.

[There's a bit of humor there. Shiro actually grinning a bit - it shouldn't be so endearing, how hard Min-Gi is trying. But it is.]

You just tell me what your fingers say. "Smooth, bumpy, firm" are perfectly okay answers.

How about weight? Does it feel heavy?

[No Right Answer feels like a trap. There is always a right answer to everything. It’s basic common sense. That’s just how the world works, he doesn’t make up the rules. No, no no, he can do this.]

Um.. yeah, kinda. Like 130 grams maybe? 140?

I like when the peel breaks because the oil sprays out of the pores and it smells nice. And you can always tell the top because of this little bobble bit where the stem was.

[Showing with his fingers, eyes still closed. This is weird, Shiro was right, but now he’s committed to doing this correctly (whatever this is) so he’s forging forward. ]

Great. So... round, kind of bumpy. Kind of smooth. Heavy-ish. Bump at the top. Good job.

[No, really. Those are very concrete answers. Very good to focus on. And there goes Min, launching into the next thing he wants to try.]

How about... tell me some things you can smell. Right now. Describe them to me, too. Many as you can.

[There's the oranges, obviously. But there are, finally, people living in this house. Tea is almost always being made, he's pretty sure the laundry was washed recently. Hopefully someone took the trash out - it'd be a little embarrassing to go through this exercise and then have their gross garbage revealed.]

[Min-Gi furrows his brow and takes a breath, letting it out slowly. He doesn't really see how this is supposed to help Ryan. Is Shiro trying to make him meditate or something? Are they having a Karate kid moment and he just doesn't know it yet?? (That would be so cool) Wait- no, focus, okay okay okay-

Another breath. What can he smell.]

It smells like.. orange, obviously. There was coffee when I came in, I smelt that.

[But that was then, does it count? Is he screwing this up again?? How many smells should be happening at once?]

There's.. like a floor cleaner or something? And I think it's either your shampoo or aftershave, when you leaned in.

[You smelled him, do you have any idea how fucking weird that sounds, Min, what is your deal??? He goes bright pink and bends his head - keeping his eyes closed like a good boy but god he would just fucking love it if the ground would swallow him up right now. This is the stupidest thing, he is so embarrassed, what the fuck, what the fuck-

And you know something... it begins to. He doesn't see, he can't, but there's a pool of black and blue and shimmering purple opening up under him like a galaxy portal. As it emerges, the ground begins to bend inward like it might flex a tear in the very fabric of reality.]

That's great. [Since Min seems like he has such an issue with right answers and perfect responses, Shiro's just going to give it to him. If they start arguing semantics, this isn't going to help anything.] Orange and coffee are pretty strong smells.

[A beat, before Shiro just... chuckles.]

Shampoo, definitely. Haven't had to shave in a while. [He's cursed like that.]

[He's about to move on - hearing is next, but then? Then it looks like a death portal is slowly opening up in their floor. His first thought is to move. He snaps his arm out, to try and grab Min around the shoulders, and yank both of them off the couch. Away from the shimmering dark portal.]

Move!

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