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un: klapbak | video

Surprise, bitch. I lived.

(Have Eddie, flipping the camera off with his right hand aka his prosthetic.

Eddie looks different than the last time most people had seen him. For starters, he has a green undertone to his skin. For another, his tongue is completely black. Behind him is an empty room with gray floorboards and peeling green walls. It at least looks clean. There's a Gucci suitcase on its side, opened up, with clothes spilling over and across the floor. Another Gucci suitcase sits next to it, but it has been partially charred.

A dog is passed out and snoring rather loudly in the opened suitcase.

Despite his on-point meme drop, Eddie's delivery is completely and suspiciously blank. His gray eyes are flat, and his expression remains completely empty.)

Richie's here too. (As if on-demand, a massive fireball blast out from the doorway of a nearby room followed by some crashing and yelling. Eddie doesn't even bother to glance over his shoulder.)

We're settling in okay. We're in Lumenwood. I've got some of my supplies from Deerington but I've got a shitton of stuff I need to restock.

(Which was going to be such a drag.)

But for those on a need-to-know basis, I've already made some important notes on this place. Not that any of you give a shit, but if you do...I guess we were given journals for a reason. I suck at journaling though. Here's a uh --- transcipt? Is that what it's called? Whatever, I typed it up.

(He shrugs. The screen goes blank only to be followed up by some text that Eddie clearly wrote up ahead of time:)

IMPORTANT TRENCH ~~NOTES~~ ~~SHIT~~ STUFF?
i dont know i dont normally do the note takin thing so feel grateful

1.)

our blood's fucking weird now but also no shit it's weird now is anyone surprised

give me your blood so i can figure it out. i studied hematology a LOT

last time i checked out my blood under a scope it was totally different than what it is now on a cellular level.

i actually tried to expose my blood to some bacteria and germs that would usually cause an infection and it was really weird? what look like my new white cells just immediately seemed to swallow up the bacteria and it was like it never existed at all

thats not to say you should run around and stab yourself with a rusty fork anytime soon

but it'd be cool if i could get more samples to see if this is just a Me thing or an Us thing

2.)

i spit on richie and we figured out that my spit can cause a numbing feeling. if you ever need to spit on you, let me know
it's probably gonna be useful if anyone gets injured
normally i would say don't let someone spit in your open wounds
but my spit is totally sanitary
i swear

(shut the hell up)

3.)

only 1/3rd of my closet made it here and no im not ready to talk about it. this place doesn't even have goddamn chanel

4.)

taylor swift still exists so we're gonna be okay

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Dude, hey! You're okay! Good to know. [Look, he's invested in literally anyone who was nice to him.] Did you figure out what you eat now?

I can give you more weird glitter blood if you need it.

And you can just buy clothes, you know, there's shops and stuff.

Hey man. Yeah, I made it out okay. You look like you're alive still.

(He might not look pleased to see Kyle, but there's some definite warmth in his voice. He's the exact same way. What was kindness anyway? This dude offered to feed him without knowing him - he'd die for Kyle already.)

Not yet. I ate a bunch of mushrooms which were super good and I felt decent after, but I'm still definitely uh- lacking something. I have a vial of normal-looking blood I'm gonna try later. Here's to hoping.

(He nods quickly.)

Yeah, that'd be awesome actually.

(Eddie gives a loud sigh.)

Most of them sell stupid shit that's totally not my style. Do you even know how expensive my wardrobe was? I spent years building that sucker. (...And outgrowing it, but he doesn't need to mention that.)

Yup, alive and well.

Gross. [Said without judgement.] Hope it works, though.

Sweet, just tell me when I should drop by. I think I can stand going out if it's not TOO far. [Because he's mostly bene hunkered down, avoiding people and their perceived stares. When he does go out he wears his hat pulled so low he can barely see.]

I mean. It's just clothes? [Oh Kyle.] Like, okay, the stuff here is kinda... stupid looking, true. But everybody looks stupid so it's okay.

You and me both, man.

(Because if it didn't that meant he just drank a vial of blood for no damn reason and that would absolutely make him vomit.)

Where are you now? Like - where you shacked up?

(He was still trying to orient this place, but he had no idea where everyone was living quite just yet.

Oh Kyle. Eddie gives him an incredibly flat look.)

Just clothes? (He gives him such a TONE.)

Clothes are like...the most important form of self-expressionism. Everything we do in our lives is based around clothes. Ugh. (He doesn't say it, but you can practically feel the boys! that comes after that sentiment.)

[Worth a try, though.[

Uhm, the eyeball district. Gaze. A bunch of big fuck-off birds kinda showed me a place. It's actually pretty nice, but my standards are pretty low.

[Kyle bristles a little and makes a face.] You sound like a crab person.

What the fuck's a crab person?

(...)

What do you define as 'low standards' exactly?

They're giant crabs that disguise themselves as people. You know... [He sing-songs ominously.] Craaab people, craaaab people. Taste like crab, talk like people. I bet this place is CRAWLING with them. Anyway, they care about that stuff.

Dude, I lived in a dorm for four years and spent the last couple months on a shithole planet mostly shacked up inside a spaceship. This place has my own bathroom. That's amazing.

How the fuck do I seem like a crab person?

(Kyle, he needs you to EXPLAIN.)

Okay. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. I hated being on the spaceship. (No he actually loved it. He slept in a pile on the floor with all of his friends. It was the Best. But he would probably not like it as much anymore.)

The fashion thing! Look. Ugh. Okay. [A deep breath.] Dude. There's giant crabs that disguise themselves as people, okay? And they want to rule the world. So in order to accomplish this, they manipulate humans by like, influencing media and trends and shit. And one of those things was this TV show that was entirely about taking guys and making them all like... get a skincare routine and stuff like that? Like who the fuck cares, it's skin. There was this major emphasis on clothes, too. The crabs figured making everybody kinda gay made them weak, which is obviously wrong, but my POINT is that crab people care an awful lot about fashion.

Please note that these were obviously TERRIBLE plans for world domination; I never said they were smart or successful.

Anyway, I try to stay away from that stuff. Because of the crab people, not because I think looking 'gay' is weird or whatever. [Are you sure about that, Kyle?]

It was okay, but this is a lot nicer. I have this super neat bed that's kinda on top of the heater? It's dope, I'm never cold at night now even if it's super shitty out. Cozy as fuck.

(Eddie just gradually squints more and more the longer Kyle talks about this.)

But you think I'm acting and sound like these crab people who aren't smart or successful and are like trying to rule the world with bad gay stereotypes?

(Kyle, DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.)

I think there was this whole thing about straights being terrified of gay people manipulating them into being gay. But also not for nothin' but skin is like the largest human organ on your body and it actually does require more care than people realize.

(Eddie's still staring, brow quirked.) But like, so you think gay dudes who act like gay dudes are like these crab people? Not because you think the gay part's the bad part? But just everything associated with the gay part?

(Make it sound not homophobic, Kyle!!)

Wait is it on a literal heater? That could be a fire hazard, dude.

[Kyle has absolutely no idea why Eddie would possibly interpret his words remotely negatively. This is about CRAB PEOPLE who kidnap innocent children (and less innocent adults) and definitely not Kyle's complicated and perfectly unexamined feelings about masculinity.]

No! No, I don't think you're LIKE them, I just meant that you don't have to care so much, that's all. [He frowns.] I mean, if you LIKE that stuff that's fine. Totally cool, dude. I just.

[He has to cut himself off, frowning even more deeply.]

Okay, I'm NOT against gay guys acting stereotypically gay. Like I legit don't care, I think people should act as fucking gay as they want, like, whatever. Live your truth. It doesn't make me uncomfortable.

I don't think people should be forced into any box they don't want to. You shouldn't be forced to pretend you don't like 'gay' shit if you do. But going the other way, just because somebody likes dick doesn't mean they HAVE to care about clothes, either. Like I don't want some fucking crab person to break into my house and force me into like... a mesh top or something. [He pauses and drags a hand over his face.] Look, I was kidnapped by crab people once, okay? Admittedly it might have skewed my perception somewhat. But I STILL don't think I need to give a shit about hair stuff or skin stuff or... I don't know, whatever else. It doesn't make me a bad queer or something.

Dude.

(Wow. It's been a hot second since he's actually seen something like this and the last time he had, it'd been himself. It's so instantly recognizable that he mostly just winds up feeling bad for Kyle.)

I want you to be like, real honest here, and admit that literally no one is forcing men to be feminine. There is no going the other way. Like, for literally the entire history of human kind, men have been allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do, and it's mostly feminine men or dudes who want to care about their looks who get punished. Guys who want to be masculine aren't really the ones suffering here.

(That took him literally years to realize and he had to have so many conversations about his own hatred towards his own interest in fashion.) You not putting on a mesh top isn't hurting you - it's just you being fuckin weird about a piece of clothing, sorry.

Man, it sounds like the crab people is some serious anti-gay propaganda shit, not gonna lie to you. That sucks you were kidnapped by them. But like, a lot of people care about that shit, not just gay people, like, you realize that right? Like, if anything, the people who care about that shit the most are chicks.

(But also like Kyle's queer? This only makes Eddie stare at him with a 100% more concern.)

...Dude, it's fine. My boyfriend is literally the worst dresser I've ever met in my life. There's no right or wrong way to be a total flamer. (Okay, listen, he's still from the 1950s okay his queer-enthusiast talk is not perfect.)

Dude.

[He rolls his eyes.] I didn't SAY that. And no, of course, in the wide world there is absofuckinglutely no way men are pressured to be anything but masculine assholes. It's a stupid heteronormative society, I know that, I'm not JUST some hick.

Maybe the Crab People do have an anti-gay agenda, I don't know. The last I heard they ran a chain of mobile stores or something. [He just tosses that out there like it's normal.]

[Yeah, Eddie's way of talking is not going to put Kyle off at all, considering some of the ways he expresses himself.]

Yeah, you're right. And anything chicks like is ridiculed and put down, so if you're a man who likes 'girl' shit you get the same treatment but even worse because it's 'abnormal'. I know. I've seen it.

So, okay, fine. Maybe my fear of mesh shirts or whatever isn't ENTIRELY crab based. I guess I can concede that the idea of me, personally, being called feminine is unpleasant. I'll defend other people's right to be that way to the fucking death. But me, I'm just not comfortable trying to look good or whatever. [Makeover scenes in movies give him the nervous sweats.]

And look, you're from the fifties, right? Okay, so in the future other queer people really do seem to give a shit about the dumbest shit, okay? Like there's an awful lot of policing for the right or wrong way to be... whatever you are. And it's not from outside, it's a 'the call is coming from inside the house' situation. So while it's not remotely comparable to the pressure to be straight, I really do feel like you're not allowed to be messy about sweet fuck all.

[Sigh.] I don't know. I'm sorry. I just meant like... you can go shopping, that's all I meant. And even if it's not Gucci, I bet you can put stuff together so you look stylin'.

Sometimes you don't gotta say shit to kind of mean it anyway. Talking is way more nuanced. Sometimes it's about the shit people don't say too.

(But Eddie doesn't really seem mad. He doesn't really even seem offended. He's tired, maybe, but if this were coming from a straight person, it'd be a completely different conversation.

He's just listening to Kyle patiently at this point, watching him with a strange sort of look on his face. It's not judging, just speculative. He wondered if he used to sound like this. Only his panicking had been so much more screechy, and he's actually trying to listen to where Kyle's anxiety is actually coming from, and he thinks he actually gets it.

The crab thing is still really fucking weird, but he came from a world where he saw an embodiment of fear laying eggs so he has no real gauge here for judging on that front.)

You're right. (A soft tone, and at first it seems like it's about everything else Kyle's saying, but then Eddie follows up with a :) I really can put stuff together so I can devastate a room even without Gucci.

(Eddie.

But no, he's actually thinking, mulling it over slowly.)

I actually think I get what you're saying. Even in the 1950s, there definitely wasn't like the presence of gay culture, obviously, but I still felt really compelled to be a specific way. Like. That I never looked masculine enough, but I also didn't want to look feminine either. Finding that middle ground took me literal years. And I grew up super poor, so it's not like I grew up in luxury styles. My fanciest thing I owned for fashion was a fucking shitty plastic ring I got from a cereal box, so like.

(The bar was extremely low.)

Then when I got to these other worlds and learned more about like - I don't know. I guess the ways to be gay, I struggled a lot with figuring out if I wanted to be like that because that was my actual style, or if I was just feeling brainwashed by being like that to fit in with what people think of when they think about gay people. And then I was wondering if I was doing it so I could find other gay people without having to deal with the actual dangers of outing myself. It's a lot easier to just wear certain clothes than have to like subject yourself to - you know.

(Coming out on a regular basis verbally. He scratches his cheek lightly.)

So like, I think I know what you mean. Even if my personal style wound up definitely just being more like what other gay dudes were wearing, I still had that weird moment of not really knowing if I was being pushed or pulled. I guess if I didn't feel like - as flamboyantly, I'd probably have felt like I was being pushed out of the community rather than pulled in.

(He still sometimes felt pushed. He was flamboyant, but not in some ways other gay dudes were, and sometimes it made him feel insecure too. So, really.)

So like, from what you're saying, do you just...I dunno. Feel isolated because of it then?

Yeah. I know. Fuck, you're smart and I can't easily outtalk you. [Which he likes.]

[At Eddie's flippant response, Kyle relaxes visibly. He even cracks a smile.] Exactly. See, people like me and your guy? We're gonna be EXTRA boned because we don't know how to handle anything but hoodies and jeans and maybe a sweatervest.

What was the cereal? [Like that matters, but he's curious about food from the fifties.]

[His expression softens as he listens, clearly absorbing every word. Eddie IS smart, and Eddie - even if he is younger than Kyle - clearly has a handle on his sexuality in a way that's honestly enviable.]

I mean... yeah. Which isn't really fucking new, to be honest. Because. Okay. Where I grew up, it was a small town, you know how that is. You know everybody. And I was lucky because we HAD openly gay people in the community. And some were hella, HELLA gay, and some were... horrible people, actually, and some were just people I went to school with and it honestly wasn't really a big deal. We'd rip on each other, sure, but it wasn't generally serious. There was never really a massive push to define yourself. Everybody already knew who you were for the most part.

But the second you go somewhere else, somewhere bigger, people kinda want you to figure it all out like... yesterday. With really specific terms and shit. You know?

Oh. (Eddie looks like he just swallowed a lemon head.) No. I'm really like... Super not smart, dude.

(That's so embarrassing he's gonna DIE. But he seems silently flattered, his shoulders shrugging up by his ears. Boy compliments would be the end of him one day.

Eddie does smile though, with some affection, because listen, he roasted Richie regularly, but he would not change him for a million bucks.)

Okay, listen. If I tell you something you gotta promise to never tell anyone ever because I'll kill you in your sleep. I know so many ways to make it happen it's not even funny, but like.

(He scratches awkwardly at the back of his head and then, clearing his throat, confesses:)

I fucking love guys like you- like my boyfriend. I would never date a dude like me ever. I like being this way, but I fucking -- love guys who are ...uh. (...) Hopeless. It gives me this really intense infuriated feeling which mostly just means it like - y'know. Drives me fucking batty or whatever.

(He Hates This! But also it seemed like something that was worth saying to a guy who felt like he sucked because of it.)

I'll mock my boyfriend for the rest of my life because like, he's my best friend, I have to. But I steal his shirts all the fucking time, man. Like religiously. That's my actual favorite thing to wear and half of them are the stupidest shirts ever.

(He laughs at the question.)

Kix cereal. It was a Captain Midnight ring.

(Which makes him start to feel a little embarrassed again. It seemed childish now to walk around town with a hunky decorder ring on his pinky finger everywhere he went.)

Oh yeah. Honestly, if I never started the world-hopping thing....My small town woulda killed this part of me. My momma woulda killed this part of me. There'd be no chance. Small towns are...hell. (He didn't know too many people from other small towns who could even relate. It was sort of a relief, really, to hear Kyle understood.)

Yeah, I get it. In small towns, people just figure they know you better than you've ever known yourself. It's a weird feeling. Oh god. Dude.

(He rubs his hands over his face, groaning.)

The terms. I'm all on the fashion, but the terms I fucking suck at. It's so hard finding out anything about actual queer culture and there seem to be so many terms in the future. I'm like, dude, I just wanna comfortably fantasize about sucking dick in peace, can you please leave me alone and not ask me to recite the queer dictionary for you? I don't know it.

Fuck you, my little brother is a legit genius and I had a fucking 4.0 GPA, I know smart when I see it.

I promise.

[And now it's Kyle's turn to be hideously embarrassed, but also flattered. he goes pink.] I. Thanks.

Dude, that's what best friends are FOR. Holy shit, my best friend and I ripped on each other for everything. Him, now, dude, he's the sensitive one who writes poetry and he's straight as fuck. So I called him a pussy a LOT. He called me "disturbingly butch" once and not gonna lie but it felt sort of like a compliment?

And like, don't worry about the infuriating thing sounding weird. I get that. There's something incredibly satisfying about being irritated to the point of distraction.

[Kyle grins broadly.] Kix still exists. In case you were concerned. Dunno what Captain Midnight was, but it sounds kinda badass. Superhero type shit.

[Eddie gets it. And his mama? Oh, man.] I was so fucking scared of my mom thinking anything was wrong with me, dude. I put off any talk of like... sex stuff for years and years. And she's not BAD, she just has... particular ideas of how shit should go down, you know? Wants the best for her kids. So.

But yeah, man. Small towns. I miss parts of it, but mostly they do kinda suck.

[Thank god, Eddie understands what he's getting at.] Thank you! I mean, at least you're from the fifties, you have an excuse. I have twitter, I'm not ALLOWED to fuck this stuff up. I just like whoever I like and I don't want a lecture about what that makes me.

Dude I never even finished middle school.

(He's completely green now. THANKS KYLE.

Just two bros blushing at each other. He's grateful for the subject devolving into how absurd relationships with best friends actually were.)

I'm definitely the sensitive one, but I don't write poetry. (He didn't have an artistic bone in him beyond his ability to put together outfits and know which colors flowed well.) Yeah, actually, you are kinda butch. My sister and stand-in mom were too. Butch people are the fucking best.

(Eddie takes a deep breath and then:) You have no idea. He was such a badass. He wasn't a superhero, but he was even better. He was like this super badass secret agent pilot dude from World War I. He did all this cool espionage shit and flew planes.

(People from the future didn't usually seem too charmed by that kind of content anymore, but Eddie thought it was amazing. It helped that Richard Webb was a total DILF.

But, oh, shit.

His face smoothes into a completely different expression, something raw spilling into his eyes.)

Yeah- no I uh. I get that. She was always telling me I was sick and she hated queer dudes. If she had ever found out...Man, I used to think that I could get syphilis from breathing the wrong air around the wrong person. I always thought my dick would shrivel off the moment I acknowledged it existing in ways that didn't have to do with pissing.

(Lol you ever just have a crippling body dysmorphia!)

Nah, people can fuck off, dude. It's shitty to expect everyone to have the exact same degree of education on that stuff. It's complex and it seems like it's always changing in the future. It'd be confusing for anyone.

Whatever, I can still see it.

[Kyle's pretty good with a haiku, but sensitivity? No, that was always Stan's thing.] As butch as someone whose free time is spent in a library CAN be, anyway. Are your sister and stand-in mom here, too?

Ohhh, like spy shit! Dude, that's pretty fucking sweet. Sometimes I feel like superheroes are kinda overdone, you know? Like, wow you can run faster than the speed of light, how are we supposed to get drama out of that?

[That? That's a look of understanding.] Oh, shit dude, I'm sorry. My mom didn't HATE us, just... I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to get married and give her grandchildren.

I was sick a lot as a kid, so I get that. I, uh. Would get really freaked out by things, sometimes, stuff nobody else cared about. Like when I found out microorganisms live in your body I flipped my shit. I'm lucky enough not to have hated my dick, but I can understand how it could happen. I hope you feel a little less awful about it now.

[Kyle's okay with his dick. It's everything else that he hates.]

Thanks. You're being way too nice, but I appreciate it.

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un: klapbak | video

video; UN: TripleJ

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im just laughin cause i love the crab people episode lmaofgjdfh

how could you not love the crab people tho

i love,,that crab ppl led to a detailed convo about toxic masculinity lmao

well, you know.

it IS the point u right

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cw: dysmorphia

cw: dysmorphia