deernet | audio, un: blue

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audio, un: blue

content warning: suicidal ideation

They're gone for good. Yuri...Flynn...

[audio on the Omni can pick up the ambient sounds of churning ocean waves - not the gentle ones of the beach, but the crashing white water along the cliffs. now and then, there's a little distortion from gusts of wind.

Blue speaks in a soft monotone:]

The bond...our bond... Knots undone, but...tethers remain. Dangle. Disconnected.

If I hadn't...become what I became... If this place...wasn't so much for them, then...then, maybe... They could've been happy.

[there's a lapse into silence, save for that ambient sound.]

Where can I go...what can I do? To make it permanent.

My death.

[...]

If I...relinquished my body...to the Tower. Would it protect everyone? From my psionics. Something within that creature's power...

[...]

But then...we wouldn't have encountered those mad Sleepers. The ones whose minds are abuzz with zeal for the Tower itself. Feeding it.

[another long silence with the sea.]

Surely...someone knows. Someone here...can do it. End me. [the monotone starts to get stilted with emotion.] Before I hurt anyone else. Like the monster...I was always feared to be.

Until then, I'll... Keep trying.

Until it sticks. And you're all...a little safer.

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[ That sure.. is a lot, isn't it. It isn't anything Chizuru expects to hear while looking at the messages other people are leaving like this, and for a moment it leaves her totally silent with surprise.

But she knows she can't stay silent. Not when the other is saying something this sad. ]

Don't-- Don't you think people would miss you..? [ Chizuru may not recognize this voice, but judging by how nice people are here in Trench, she's sure plenty of other people do. That plenty of other people care about them. ] If you did that sort of thing..?

I imagine so.

[...]

But those I know...many of them... I've hurt them. Broken the trust of those who would still care to miss me.

And...I cannot promise I wouldn't hurt them again.

If it...were only to...spare myself. Maybe...it's too much to think. But...sparing them matters more, I think.

I.. don't think anyone can necessarily be spared in a place like this.

[ Chizuru says it slowly, very carefully. Because the stuff the other is talking about is so drastic, and it means the girl wants to be even more careful than usually to not say anything here that might only make things worse. ]

Things are dangerous here, after all. [ If last month proved anything to her, it's that exact fact. ] So many things can go wrong.. And we can be twisted to hurt each other. T-That's not your fault, it's just something that seems like it could happen to anyone here..

But the cost.

[Blue's voice gets quieter, hollowing out; it's too hard to speak with emotion - it hurts his throat.]

The cost...is different. When my power...can manipulate memories. Thoughts. Even my own.

Breaking trust like that... It isn't something...that can be healed so easily.

.. aren't you only breaking trust if you're doing it on purpose? [ Chizuru's voice is quiet too - almost as if she's trying to match the other here, hoping that Blue will feel like he doesn't have to speak up loudly if she doesn't do it either. ]

If you were hurting people that way on purpose, then.. yes, I could understand how they'd feel hurt.

[ She would too, after all. ]

But if it's outside of your control.. then even though it'd still be hard for other people, wouldn't they understand..? [ Then again, she's working from a really forgiving perspective here. ]

...

[...]

They...

[Finn. Yuri...]

Left... They're gone. Despite the promise. We promised. Endure together...even through death...

Oh..

[ Oh indeed. That's another kind of hurt entirely, and Chizuru's tone immediately sounds sympathetic. She's still so new here, but she can imagine what it must be like to lose people you've grown close to in this place.. ]

I'm sorry. [ She slowly says. ] It.. must hurt a lot, losing them like that.

[ Is that the reason the other is saying any of this? Just because it hurts so much..? ]

But if they promised you that, then.. I'm sure they wouldn't have left you on purpose.

[it does hurt. a lot. more than Blue can express in words - especially not right now, given how addled in grief he's in.

sure they wouldn't...on purpose... the words pull at the memory of their feelings - the shared, pained acceptance of what had happened.

Flynn still dragged him out of the sea. even after what had been done. Yuri...still looked him in the eye.

but the both of them left all the same, and Blue is still here with their promising brands burning at his wrists and boring holes into his heart.]

Who can say...but them? Any certainty...is pretense.

[ It's not that he doesn't have a point. He's right. It's not like Chizuru can read what was in their minds - especially since she didn't even know the people Blue is talking about.

But, even so.. ]

Even if we can't know entirely for sure.. Do you really think they might have thought differently? Do you really think they would have lied to you..?

[ Chizuru refuses to believe that, even from people she doesn't know. She's always inclined to see the best in people.

After all - it's why she's trying so hard for Blue here, despite literally never having spoken before to him either. She doesn't want anyone to have to hurt. ]

...

[lie? even if they wanted to...he would know. he can parse the shade and tone of deception in the mind, in the heart.

...he can't even pretend to believe it was there.

quietly:] They should have...taken me with them.

[ Could they have?

It's the initial question arriving in Chizuru's mind, but she realises it's a moot point anyway. Regardless of whether they could have or not, it didn't happen. ]

.. maybe they.. wanted you to be happy with people here. Rather than wherever they were going..

[ Back into the ocean probably, right? That's what Chizuru has heard happens to people here sometimes. ]

[Blue doesn't reply immediately, neither accepting nor refuting what she says. it doesn't sit well with misery to be consoled, but consolation is something he aches for...and can't get across a device. a machine.

kind words, detached from the heart, the mind...this is all humans have to trust? he can't do it.]

...I don't know. And either way...I have to...be the one here.

What.. would it make it easier for you?

[ Chizuru speaks slowly, seeming to consider every word she's using in her mind before she lets it roll across her tongue and lips, out of her mouth. ]

To be here.

[ Since she definitely doesn't consider what he's proposing to be a valid answer, to sacrifice yourself so meaninglessly. So against the wishes of everyone who may ever have cared for you. ]

[Blue doesn't answer right away; it's partly because he's giving it some thought, and partly because doing so gets him lost in those thoughts. she could very well step away for tea, for anything - a breather from this heavy stuff, really - but eventually, the feeble answer is uttered:]

...I don't...quite know.

I wish I did.

I'm sorry.

[ Chizuru doesn't quite step away - even though there's a long enough pause that most reasonable people would do so. But with the way the girl is, she just can't help it. She's so worried and focused on him in this moment that she can't quite bring herself to even do as much as stand up to go grab something.

Instead she waits, holding her breath without realising it for a few moments, until he answers.

.. until he answers with an answer that's not too surprising. ]

No.. You don't have to apologize to me.

[ That's what Chizuru says first - maybe because it's easier to answer than any other part of this. This much is just natural. ]

You're just having a hard time.. I guess it's only natural to not have answers at a moment like this. T-To be honest, I'm not sure what can help you either.. [ It feels a little difficult to say right now, since she wishes she could instead reach out a helping hand with a ready solution for him, but this is just reality, isn't it? ]

But even though it hurts, or even though it's scary.. I think it's always worth it to live on. Things will always get better at some point..

[it actually helps, hearing that admission. at this point, Blue's not sure he would believe any solution to easing his despair...and the offers of any would likely just sour him more.

'things will always get better at some point,' huh...

he's not sure he wants to accept that, either.]

If it's...worth for others. For the ones around me, maybe.

I'm sure that there are people in this place who are happier having you here than not.

[ Is it entirely good though, just living for other people's sakes? Well.. Chizuru figures that she can't really judge that.

And it's better than nothing in this case, right..? ]

I-I mean-- I wouldn't mind getting to know you better either, you know..?

[he ought to scoff, but Blue simply doesn't have it in him to. instead, he can only see with the lenses of what has come to pass.]

...I may hurt you.

[ It's not too strange to her that he'd say that - given everything Blue has said so far, anyway.

But all the same, even in the face of this.. there's only one thing Chizuru can really say. ]

That's okay. Anyone could do that in this place. But sometimes we just have to take the risk, or else we're all just lonely, you know..?

[or else we're all just lonely.

lonely...and afraid.]

...Yes.

So.. please don't worry. I'm willing to take that risk.

[ It's not as if she hasn't done many way more dangerous things in the past, anyway. And when it comes to the danger Blue poses.. well, Chizuru isn't that worried about it.

Maybe she ought to be, but she can't feel very worried in this moment. ]

My name is Chizuru, by the way. Chizuru Yukimura. [ After all, if she's intending to get to know him, she ought to at least properly introduce herself. ]

Chizuru...Yukimura.

[he repeats it with a quiet, distant tone, and it's unclear as to whether he's even hearing what he's saying...or whether he'll remember it. but things spoken are usually easier to recall than things simply heard, aren't they.]

Yes.

[ She doesn't seem to mind the way he just repeats her name without saying anything else. It's probably difficult to process anything in his current mood, she thinks, so she will carefully give him the time to do so. ]

And what is your name..? If you don't mind telling me, that is..

[returning the kindness should've been a no-brainer, but Blue's still in the fog. it takes a beat, but he does at least reply as asked:]

Blue. That's...my name.

.. Mister Blue.

[ Sorry, Blue. Chizuru just can't help but use formalities - especially when she's only just meeting someone. Not using them would seem rude, even when she's trying to help him a little bit through something big here. ]

It's.. nice to meet you. Even under the current circumstances. Do you need me to stick around and speak to you a little longer..? [ Because she will.

Chizuru is 100% the kind of girl who will wipe her entire schedule clean just to help out a stranger. And Blue does seem like he could use all the help in the world right about now. ]

audio, un: blue

voice; un: lookingforshinsengumi

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