deernet | audio, un: blue

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audio, un: blue

content warning: suicidal ideation

They're gone for good. Yuri...Flynn...

[audio on the Omni can pick up the ambient sounds of churning ocean waves - not the gentle ones of the beach, but the crashing white water along the cliffs. now and then, there's a little distortion from gusts of wind.

Blue speaks in a soft monotone:]

The bond...our bond... Knots undone, but...tethers remain. Dangle. Disconnected.

If I hadn't...become what I became... If this place...wasn't so much for them, then...then, maybe... They could've been happy.

[there's a lapse into silence, save for that ambient sound.]

Where can I go...what can I do? To make it permanent.

My death.

[...]

If I...relinquished my body...to the Tower. Would it protect everyone? From my psionics. Something within that creature's power...

[...]

But then...we wouldn't have encountered those mad Sleepers. The ones whose minds are abuzz with zeal for the Tower itself. Feeding it.

[another long silence with the sea.]

Surely...someone knows. Someone here...can do it. End me. [the monotone starts to get stilted with emotion.] Before I hurt anyone else. Like the monster...I was always feared to be.

Until then, I'll... Keep trying.

Until it sticks. And you're all...a little safer.

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It's the way of everyone's life. We all hurt the people we care about without intending it, in small ways or big ways. It's the danger of letting others close.

[Says the man with walls he's built but have never been quite so high or strong as he pretends they are.]

It can't be undone, no. But you can move forward and work to make amends, to do better in the future.

[A momentary pause.] And all right, admittedly, this was a big one. But once in three centuries is a pretty good track record, as these things go.

It's not...the same, Kaeya. It's not the ss--!

[he sucks in sharply through gritted teeth, stifling a grunt. there's some rumbled growling back behind his pained noise - one made from trying to hold onto the breath he's gathered before exhaling in a huff.]

Track...records...that's not...what this is about...

[He hums softly.] Isn't it though? You've made one mistake, and you're ready to throw it all away, to pile tragedy upon a tragedy. What good will that do anyone?

Where are you just now? I'd feel better seeing you in person.

[through gritted teeth:] Enough to...keep you safe. Why isn't...that enough?

Because it's a fantasy. There's nothing safe about this place. The safest path is one that we walk together.

[Fight him, Blue. Except like, actually just let him hug you.]

And even if you don't believe that, it doesn't matter. Your friendship is worth the risk.

[He clearly won't be persuaded otherwise.]

Where are you?

[worth...the risk...

as opposed to departing by sea. like they did.

Blue's throat closes too much for words, choking on grief sounds, so it's the omen who answers: a lion's-eye recollection of crawling out of the sea, of a warm robe falling over shaking shoulders, and a sluggish, staggered march to the rocks.

he's here, doubled over on a precipice with one hand to his face while the other is captive, wrist as carefully gripped in the lion's mouth as can be done while forcing him to stay put.]

[Good, good lion. Kaeya will give him treats later. But for now, he's snatching up his Omni and heading out to get to Blue as soon as he can. Travel by lamp means he's there quickly, thankfully, since the scene that he was shone has his heart leaping to take up residence in his throat.

He arrives on the shore, the rocks, and approaches slowly and carefully.]

There you are. [His voice is quiet, gentler than usual.] You picked a dire place.

[Kaeya's easy to notice - not just because he's someone familiar in Blue's mind, but because...there's really no one else here to notice! voices on the Omni of all sorts speaking their facts...but without the emotions behind them, it's just...words. machinery. admittedly, most of it doesn't feel real right now.

even when Kaeya speaks up, Blue doesn't lift his head to acknowledge him. doesn't need to. his head just stays downcast in his hand, shoulders drawn up under one of those Wakers' robes.]

There's nowhere to go, Kaeya. That's safe. Where else would I be?

Somewhere warmer.

[Kaeya informs him, making his way over to stand beside him. He's worried about him, but more than that, he's relieved to see him again, alive this time. Still here.]

Somewhere less lonely.

[with Kaeya drawing near, the lion relaxes his jaw and lets his person's arm go, leaving behind just some inevitable bruising and a few red scrapes. Blue's fingers are left to twitch and dangle idly in absence.

Blue thinks little of it; his focus is inevitably honed in on Kaeya, despite knowing the threat of thinking on him at all. he can't help it: it's as natural as breathing! and in that breath...]

Where is it? The apprehension... [his head tilts, letting him peer past his fingers toward him.] Aren't you afraid of me? For what I've done.

[And since Blue's omen has released it, that means Kaeya sees that hand as open for the taking. He looks over at him at the questions.]

Mm? I'm sorry was I supposed to bring that with me?

[The teasing is gentle and short lived. Kaeya's voice drops softer as he shakes his head.] Of course not. You're my dear friend. The only fear I have right now is for your well being.

[Blue tenses a little when his hand is taken - a tactile tether reinforcing what emotional ties are already there. he hates that he can feel himself recoil at all - it shouldn't be this way. this isn't...what being Mu is about... this is what being a Mu is propagandized as, the reason they're feared!

at the admission, Blue's expression scrunches a bit, pained. it hurts, too, to not be able to feel gratitude without this despair.]

Fear... of losing you and everyone I care about...is what ruined everything, isn't it? And my wishes to keep you safe. [he blinks a few times quickly, eyes getting wet.]

This place...has stolen my autonomy from me. And the price was...the only humans who...ever wished to be like me. [tears spill over and down his cheeks.] For my sake. To be a family.

Nothing is well at all, Kaeya...

No.

[He tightens his fingers around the other's hand deliberately.] The games this place plays. It preyed upon your heart, and that's cruel.

[All right, Blue. Look what you've done. He's talking about emotions and now he's full on going to reach over and try to pull him into a hug because the tears are breaking his heart.]

Their leaving was not your fault. This place is capricious with who it keeps and who it steals back. There's no rhyme or reason or explanation.

[A nod of agreement.] It isn't. I know. But it will be, with time. Let me take you home?

[Blue's in no state to recoil from such blatant consolation - hell, he's practically starving for it, despite all efforts to deny it, even to the point of...well.]

...

[Blue stands slumped against Kaeya in that embrace, simultaneously too wired and too tired to cling back, and the offer stays any movement to reciprocate or recoil.

home.

he doesn't answer immediately, and when he does, he can't even do it with his voice, too thick with grief.]

It could happen again. That poison... You can't...bring that back into your life, Kaeya.

Or Diluc's. [his breath hitches.] Even his...terrible efforts...wasted, if I--

[Kaeya will hold on even if he isn't being hugged back. The weight against him and Blue not pushing him aware is more than enough for the moment.]

We know what to look for now, don't we? We're all potential dangers here, as corruption sets in. You aren't poison, Blue.

[Kaeya understands this sort of self loathing a little too well, though his own for many years was a different shade of it.]

Diluc agrees with me. And will be happy to see you returned to yourself again. Come home with me. There's room for you, if you'll have it. I'll feel better having you near. Klee very seldom blows up anything actually inside the house. And Diluc is an excellent cook, so there are benefits to it.

[Kaeya speaks so plainly, his words not woven from falsehoods or unspoken intentions - backed instead by familiar feelings in his own memories. and the more he speaks of open arms and warm welcomes and better days, the more Blue's heart aches to recall what was just so suddenly ripped away from him that was exactly that.

he trembles a little with the effort it takes to suck in a breath and not let it out in a sob.]

How can...that be true...? [being able to believe he could accept kindness now seems a monumental task.]

You're our friend. How could it not be?

[The thing Blue needs to realize is that if it comes to it, Kaeya is fully willing to sling him over his shoulder and drag him back to get him away from the cliff and out of the cold. He's hopeful it won't come to that, that Blue will choose to come. But he's not leaving someone he cares about alone out here.]

We'll look out for each other. It's the best thing we can do here.

[what can he say to that? how much more can he argue to this determined, brick wall of compassion? Kaeya isn't the sort to show his hand easily - willingly, even - and despite knowing Blue can glean those thoughts without words, he says them anyway. that makes them more real, somehow.

eventually, Blue's free hand does lift to clutch at Kaeya's back, to hold fast as he buries his head into his friend's shoulder, and weeps bitterly. for his lost family, lost feeling of self, and for how generously Kaeya's opened his arms and heart to him in spite of that.]

[Ah. There. Kaeya's arms tighten around Blue, one hand rising to smooth through his hair as he lets him cry for a long moment, letting him get out what he needs to. He can't make any of this instantly, magically better and he knows that.

But he can be here for him, if nothing else.] It's going to be all right. You aren't alone here.

[shying away from grief isn't something Blue does; even as Soldier, other Mu knew the burden he carried even if he didn't openly telegraph it. among humans, Blue's found a nature of contradictions: so many people craving to be truly connected and understood...while simultaneously being afraid to show their weakest sides. it dares to color his own understanding of his feelings, here among people who can shy away from such openness.

thank goodness for Kaeya's strength right now, because Blue has so little to hold himself back and save face. thank goodness, too, that he doesn't seem motivated to recoil or try and diminish things here.

thank goodness for Kaeya himself.

you're not alone here. it's a kind of assurance Blue can't help but cling to desperately. he doesn't want to die, even if it's the right thing to do. he doesn't want to be alone, though evidence has shown he can turn into something disastrous now.]

I can't...let that happen again. Ever again. [but he can't stand being alone, either.] The responsibility of my weaknesses... [putting that on Kaeya, on Diluc...that's not fair, is it?]

I'm sorry. Please, don't forgive me for it; I can't accept it.

[Kaeya is well aware that he's terrible at plain feelings and emotions, but he's come to realize that the people he cares about are worth struggling through it. And Blue is a dear friend, one that Kaeya is not going to lose if there's anything that can be done about it.]

I know. You won't. [He shakes his head slightly. And they will watch out for each other, in a place like this, Kaeya thinks it's the only chance they really have of getting through.]

But that... mm. I can agree to that request. I can't forgive you, but only because there's nothing to forgive.

[Kaeya doesn't for a moment believe any part of Blue meant any harm. This place twisted and darkened the situation, as it so often does.] You aren't to blame, Blue, even if you are responsible. So you make certain it doesn't happen again. And you let the people who care about you help.

[while Kaeya's speaking, Blue withdraws a little to lift his head and look at him, a whole weary, weepy mess.]

...

[let the people who care about you help. his eyes wince, head dipping.]

It's...the right thing to do. Isn't it. [certainly the sort of thing he'd insist were roles reversed! but when it's himself...]

It is.

[Kaeya agrees with a flicker of a smile.] Annoying, isn't it?

[He knows, Blue. He knows how simple it is to say the words and mean them, and how hard it can be to believe them when the tables are turned.

This is about where Kaeya without any preamble presses a kiss to Blue's forehead. Don't look at him. Blue scared him with that talk earlier.]

Let's go home.

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audio, un: blue

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