audio, un: blue

[firstroar]

content warning: suicidal ideation



They're gone for good. Yuri...Flynn...

[audio on the Omni can pick up the ambient sounds of churning ocean waves - not the gentle ones of the beach, but the crashing white water along the cliffs. now and then, there's a little distortion from gusts of wind.

Blue speaks in a soft monotone:]

The bond...our bond... Knots undone, but...tethers remain. Dangle. Disconnected.

If I hadn't...become what I became... If this place...wasn't so much for them, then...then, maybe... They could've been happy.

[there's a lapse into silence, save for that ambient sound.]

Where can I go...what can I do? To make it permanent.

My death.

[...]

If I...relinquished my body...to the Tower. Would it protect everyone? From my psionics. Something within that creature's power...

[...]

But then...we wouldn't have encountered those mad Sleepers. The ones whose minds are abuzz with zeal for the Tower itself. Feeding it.

[another long silence with the sea.]

Surely...someone knows. Someone here...can do it. End me. [the monotone starts to get stilted with emotion.] Before I hurt anyone else. Like the monster...I was always feared to be.

Until then, I'll... Keep trying.

Until it sticks. And you're all...a little safer.

Comments

[firstroar]

That would mean...living to speak to it, wouldn't it.

[killtime]

[ A little grunt of acknowledgment. ]

Leave a detailed suicide note?

[firstroar]

...I'm sorry. I don't think...I'm the one who can do that. Even...making my way up here was...struggle enough.

[killtime]

[ A little pause, then maybe a touch more gently: ]

I wasn't serious. Not really. [ Though she's never entirely joking when it comes to that subject. ] Death's a coy bitch when she wants to be. Sometimes I think the harder you try, the less she's keen to take you.

[firstroar]

Do you speak from experience?

This isn't...something I often... [think about. at all. it's alien in him, this feeling, this kind of hollowed-out despair. but he can't shake it right now.]

[killtime]

If it's not something you often think about, then maybe don't off yourself at the first thought.

[ She leaves that initial question untouched. ]

[firstroar]

Second, third, and fourth, however... [are those fair game?]

...It was easier the first time. Not thinking at all.

[killtime]

The first time?

[ She really shouldn't ask. She knows better, but. ]

cw suicide

[firstroar]

It wasn't right. Throwing away...the effort Diluc made. To protect everyone from me.

I had to.

So when I became lucid again, when I remembered... I came up here. Fast as I could.

[...]

But I keep...coming back...

[killtime]

[ She doesn't understand all of what he's saying, but she doesn't really have to. Hearing him say he kept coming back, she grimaces, and it seeps into her voice. ]

Like I said — a coy bitch. [ A bit distantly then, and unhelpfully: ] If that's how it is, I guess you'll just have to fucking live with it all.

[firstroar]

That's...so cruel. To the people I've hurt. Their broken trust.

I don't know...if I'm strong enough...to atone. Though I must, mustn't I.

[killtime]

You can try. Who's the say if it'll ever be enough.

[firstroar]

[hh.]

...until it's done. We never know...what good is done...until it's over.

[that's what he's always said - to others, to his peers, to keep them moving forward through miserable times. hearing it for himself, though...]

[killtime]

When it's over, it's over. Then there's probably nothing, and we're rotting in the ground. All we can do is indulge a likely futile effort so we can sleep at night.

Take it from someone who knows — the best you can do is accept what's been done.

[firstroar]

Someone...who knows, huh...

[another disembodied voice in the machine. who knows.]