video; un: leavegodalone

[necrolord]

Is this thing on?

[ The camera opens on a man, but there is something horribly inhuman about his eyes: they are black from edge to edge, the iris burning with a ring of white light. He is flanked by two skeletons which stand at attention, each with a speck of glowing red in their shadowed eye sockets. ]

Been a while since I had to do this. Hey, hello, kia ora. You face the King Undying, the Necrolord Prime.

[ He claps his hands together. There is something wrong with them: the whites of his metacarpals are exposed, flesh crumbled away like so much ash. ]

But let's not stand on formality, right? I hear we're on a first-name basis, now. So: I'm Emperor John Gaius, creator of the Nine Houses, and also God. Not locally, mind, [ and he gestures vaguely upwards, ] here it's a more crowded playing field. I'll admit, it's been an adjustment. I tried to get a peek at my usual domain... turns out Mariana doesn't like to share.

Now, I get that I've made a few mistakes. [ He says this like funny understatement, hands splayed. It shows the bare red tendons in his palms. ] Let's clear up some misconceptions.

[ He stands accused of baby-killing, human sacrifice, and the destruction of whole planets. He riled Mariana into a deadly storm. But what he says, with all the gravity of a king, is: ]

My wife is that hot.

[ Fantastic. Amazing start. He leans in to regard the camera. ]

Look, I get it: I haven't made myself popular. I'll get a lot of kids at my door screaming log off. We're on, what, bloody retribution attempt six or seven? It's been a constant parade of death lasers and witches and kids with swords. And I see where you're coming from. I put a serious damper on everyone's fun vengeance beach party.

But it's getting a little old, so consider this a friendly warning to all my executioners: I will start losing patience. [ He quirks a smile that does not touch his eyes. ] Not to be all, I have over ten billion confirmed kills, but: maybe do not fuck with me.

Cheers.

[ The skeletons perform an ancient First House salute, and the feed cuts out. ]

Comments

un: endless; voice

[manyone]

Oh? You're a god?

I've never met a god before.

[ Does Lady Featherine count? She doesn't know and frankly it is horrifying to contemplate. ]

voice

[necrolord]

[ He takes up a voice feed to match, because what is he, impolite? ]

Please rest assured I'm bowing in introduction right now. With a little hand flourish. It looks very elegant.

Usually there are other people to do that for me, but staffing's been short around here, you know? I'm low on disciples.

[ There is an actual sore spot there, under the levity. ]

[manyone]

Then you must believe I am curtsying. I am Beatrice, the Endless and Golden Witch and it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

[ Purrrr. Oh, this man is interesting. ]

I know what you mean. I do, I do! I haven't any of my usual furniture and it's positively dreary.

[necrolord]

[ Furniture? Yikes. But he doesn't have time to unpack all that. ]

Endless and Golden Witch, huh? I've been called all kinds of wizard. But I'll guess you have less to do with skeletons.

I'd hope so, anyway. I like to think I've cornered the market.

[manyone]

[ Yeah, don't. It's a whole thing. ]

I have almost nothing at all to do with skeletons. Demons, on the other hand, are much more the sort that make useful servants for one like myself.

[necrolord]

Not really an option, where I come from, but I love the resourcefulness. [ He is too tired to care what flavor of great evil he's talking to today. It's all funny to him, at this point. ] We'll have to put them together, someday, throw a really spooky tea party.

[manyone]

We may just have to do that. I love, loooove a good cup of tea. I just don't know if I can summon any of my furniture here yet--they may not have traveled with me, sadly.

[necrolord]

Do the demons look like furniture in a literal sense? Spooky dancing candlesticks and chairs? Because I cannot think of anything I would be more excited to see, personally.

[manyone]

Ah, no, no. They assume shapes much like humans when they're needed. Though the Seven Sisters of Purgatory sometimes look like stakes.

[necrolord]

Now that's a name.

Well, I'll have the skeletons for you to borrow, next time you need staff for a tea party. They're good servants, even if they're not the most lively crowd. [ gET IT ]

[manyone]

Kihihhi! How kind of you. Perhaps once I'm settled I'll have you over for tea. Have that spooooooky tea party you mentioned~!

[ Oh this is lovely. She likes him. ]

The Seven Sisters of Purgatory really are excellent murderers to have on hand, but I don't think I can summon them here for some reason. A shame, truly.

[necrolord]

I'd be honored.

[ It's not like he's busy with a lot of other invites. ]

You know, I have it on good authority [ as of lately! ] that committing a lot of murder does not make you popular.

[manyone]

I'm well aware, believe me.

[ Look, she also committed a lot of murder. She gets you, John. Really. ]

You kill someone's family over and over and they get upset with you.

[necrolord]

[ It's been fascinating to meet people who throw flags in new and exciting shades of red. And everybody thinks he's trouble. ]

You don't see diminishing returns after the first time?

[manyone]

[ Beatrice is a walking red flag who sometimes is a poor little meow meow, let's be honest. ]

Not if you have a time-loop.

[necrolord]

[ They should form a club. ]

Very fancy. Not my forte, honestly. I'll take your word for it.

[manyone]

[ Club for monsters who are sometimes really sad about it. ]

I'll tell you allllllll about it sometime, if you care to hear it.

[necrolord]

It's a date. Sometime when my schedule's not so packed with executions.