deernet | [Video; un: Uravity]

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[Video; un: Uravity]

[It took...a while for Ochako to find the courage to really start acting like herself again after all of what happened in July. Thankfully, she has some amazing friends, an absolutely wonderful boyfriend that she would do anything for, and is as resilient as she is stubborn. Moping about and feeling remorseful will get her nothing, she has to act if she wants things to get better, so this is exactly what she's doing today, despite how she's still very nervous and really, really ashamed still. The things she did and said, the people she hurt, the one she killed... That's going to weigh heavy on her for much longer than just a month. But the first step to growing and moving on is to address and confront it. To apologize.

So the video opens up with Ochako sitting in presumably her living room, which...anyone who knows her, or has been to her and Bakugou's home before, will notice is different. Different wall colors, different arrangement of furniture, just...overall different. But she makes no note of that. Instead, she just puts on a sheepish smile to the camera and bows lightly.]

Ehehe...hello, everyone. It's been a while since I posted to the network, ne? S-Some here in Trench might know me, but I bet a lot of others don't. My name is Uraraka--...um! O-Or Ochako, if you're from the Western hemisphere of Earth. [She rubs the back of her head, mussing up her hair a little. Anyone who knows her would know, again, this is a nervous tic Ochako has. She clears her throat and laughs awkwardly.] Last month was, eeh...p-pretty crazy, huh? I know I went, um...pretty crazy. Myself.

[Her smile falls, and so does her hand in her hair, settling into her lap as Ochako sighs. She then sets her omni down on the floor she's kneeling on, looking rather somber all of a sudden as she takes a deep breath in and out, as if preparing herself.]

It's true it wasn't really me, that it was all part of The Reckoning's...stuff, but. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, and I couldn't have tried harder to fight it. Neither does it make anything better, because it was still my body, my voice, that did and said all those things. So, I just...I--

I want to apologize. To everyone I hurt in some way. I am...deeply sorry, for everything.

[She gazes downward, and then bows as low as she can, a full dogeza. Ochako said nasty things, physically and emotionally hurt people she considers very friends. She even went and killed someone in cold blood at some point, among other things. She can still see the blood, hear the breaking of a neck, the splatter of a body on hard ground... Those thing's can't be erased, but she can at least admit they happened, and apologize for them. It's the first thing to do before she starts trying to make amends for it.

She rises, just for a moment, before bowing back down again.]

And to those that helped me overcome...thank you. Even if it was just for a moment, you really saved me. I'm grateful.

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[Luz had given Ochako space and knew she wouldn't be feeling good when she came to. Luz was also careful not to mention what had happened between them to Lexi, not until Ochako was herself again. She had promised to tell Lexi the truth but knew it would be better to do that when everyone had a clear head again].

It wasn't you Ochako. Some of us definitely know that. I don't want you to feel too rotten, but I get why you're apologizing.

[Luz chose to try NOT to think too much on the things Ochako had said, since some of them had hurt deeper than she expected].

Edited 2022-08-08 17:18 (UTC)

[Ochako's throat closes up, and it actually takes her a few minutes to respond, only because she still remembers just how truly horrible she was to Luz specifically. All the hateful, mean things she said...the threats and name-calling. Gosh, it really was like she was just bullying her for the stupidest reasons that Ochako just made up herself.

Hearing that people understand, it--...it feels weird. She's happy, in a way, but also doesn't feel like she really deserves it. It wasn't you - those words feel so hollow from how many times people have said them. Like it's an excuse, or a means of coping. It may not have been her, sure, but it still all happened in her body. Ochako remembers everything.]

Luz-san... I don't-- [She takes a deep breath, her voice tight.] It doesn't feel like it wasn't me. Even if I had no control over what I did, or said...it was my body, my memories, used specifically to hurt you. A part of that was me! I can't ignore it!!

I can't... [She hiccups, turning her face away, using the heel of her hand to dig at the corners of her eyes.] I want to take it all back, but I can't.

[Luz knew it was going to be hard enough, remembering the things that she said and the things she'd done. Luz had been corrupted herself, drank blood freely and attacked people, things she certainly didn't like remembering herself. Ochako was one of the sweetest people she knew, so to have that month make her so unlike herself, it was hard.

Even when remembering the things that had happened to her, Luz didn't want Ochako to feel so horrible. She never liked seeing her friends in pain].

No, you probably can't ignore it, because it happened. But you can at least ask yourself this: would you have ever done it on your own? Would you want to hurt me, enough to beat me up, or to make me feel bad? Because I don't think you would.

It isn't fair this happened to you, Ochako, and I won't lie...it hurt when you said all those things. But I also know there was no trace of the person that helped me when we were in the cave, or when we were clothes shopping. And that's the person that's my friend, who's birthday I helped celebrate, and who I'm hating seeing in pain right now.

[Ochako shakes her head, biting her lip hard enough she starts to taste a bit of blood. Of course she would never do or say of the things she did on her own!! Her friends and relationships she's made are incredibly special to her - they're what make Ochako feel like she can keep going when it's especially hard. It's the reason she is putting her best foot forward - because she wants to be strong enough to march into the future alongside all the friends she made, and smile together.]

On my own, I don't think I'd ever do any of the things I did...e-especially not-- [Killing someone. Ochako winces, squeezing her eyes shut and taking a deep breath and she bows her head. That...can't be erased. That person can never hear her apology. Ochako just--...she has to atone for it.] ...I'm sorry. I-I don't want to worry, or burden anyone else, and I know...I-I know I'll ger through it, it's just...j-just--!

[Ochako grits her teeth, digging the heels of her palms into her eyes to try and stop her crying. Stop it. Stop it.]

I-I hate that I...I tried so hard. I tried so hard to fight against it. I could feel it happening, and I tried not to let it get so bad...but I lost. I couldn't fight it. I wasn't... [Strong enough.]

[Luz took a deep breath. This was why, even when Ochako had been saying some bad things toward her, that she'd done her best not to hold it against her. She knew that if Ochako had done that, she'd done it to others despite her best intentions, and yet. It still happened, and it hurt to remember that she'd been so much not herself].

Ochako. You won't worry or burden us. You're one of the best people I know, and I know that you'd never do the things you did easily. But you have to make sure you don't tell yourself you'll just get through it and that's that. I've made that mistake before.

[Luz really wished she could go to Ochako right now and hug her and help her. Video just wasn't enough].

You did what you could, and believe me, you're not the only one that went through it. Look at it this way: you didn't hurt me physically!

Wasn't so fortunate with that every single time.

[Oh, Luz...you are such a good friend, and she would love a hug right now, and might even go and snuggle up in bed with her favorite stuffed animal later, too. She just...hearing that she didn't physically hurt her friend makes Ochako feel a little bit sick on the inside, because she knows she would have. She could have, if things went on longer, if she got any more mad, or was more Corrupted than she was when she and Luz first met. Ochako knows this, because she did hurt other people. She so easily hurt and killed someone...

Taking a deep, shuddering breath does nothing to calm her raging storm of emotions, and Ochako shakes her head. She can't accept those kind words. Because she doesn't feel like she deserves them right now. She didn't earn this forgiveness, so it's not fair. She can't just excuse what she did on Trench's bullshit, that's not how this is supposed to work.]

...I wanted to. [She breathes out, quietly, head bowed low that her hair covers most of her face.] If you'd stayed any longer, I don't think I would have held back. When I'm--...if I'm ever like that again, please don't put yourself in danger like that again. If I tell you to leave, to run away...you have to get as far as possible, okay? You can't trust me when I'm like that.

[Run or knock her the fuck out. That's what Ochako wants and expects anyone and everyone to do.]

I know.

[Luz hadn't pretended the look in her eyes or the ferocity in Ochako's gaze was something that would resolve itself. She'd wanted to hurt her, and the only thing that made Luz finally see the light was knowing if she showed up like this to Lexi, not only would Lexi be appalled at Luz for not using her common sense, it would have soured any interaction with Ochako and Lexi. The girl could take a lot, but seeing her girlfriend hurt would certainly have raised her hackles a bit].

That's good advice, and I should take it. I just feel like...if I can get my friends out of it, if I can talk them into reason, I should try. But that's what Trench does: it takes that reason and good feeling and distorts it. It makes a good friend your enemy. That's why I'm not blaming you for what happened back then. If you could fight it, you would have.

I just hate that that now you have to feel like you're the one at fault, like you'd hurt people willingly, when I know otherwise.

[It would have definitely been...a bad thing to walk into, in the case of anyone's significant other. Lexi even helped Ochako come back to her senses at least once in the month, and Ochako felt the gnawing guilt chew on her insides the entire time she was there, unable to open up and admit that at the time. It was why she didn't stay long, absolutely refused to, and ended up leaving pretty quickly...only for things to get worse again. A terrible up and down rollercoaster for the poor, young Hero.]

...You're very brave, Luz-san. And...I-I can't say I wouldn't do the same, so I understand. I--...I would always try to help someone, to save them. But...so-sometimes-- [She takes a deep breath, eyes squeezing shut, because this is still hard to accept. Ochako remembers...she remembers everything from the evacuation. She closes her eyes and sees it. The destruction, the broken and bloody bodies, the screams for help, the Heroes racing everywhere to deliver aid, the ones that didn't make it...] I can't.

It's...it's fine. [It's not, but Ochako will always fall back on those words. It's just natural, sadly. A part of her world's culture.] Please don't worry about me, Luz-san, I...I-I'll be fine eventually. I just need to really think about things, reflect, and...do better. I can't fix it, that's impossible, but I can always do better. For me, you, and everyone else I caused problems for. B-But I am...very grateful that you can forgive me. Thank you...

[She bows her head low again, all the way down. Ochako really doesn't feel like she deserves it, she didn't do anything to deserve it, but she is appreciative. It may not have been really her, but she can't shake off the feeling that she could have, should have, done more to fight back. It's too hard a concept to ignore for someone like herself, who's seen others do these types of things before - overcome.]

[Luz knew it was better that Lexi didn't see this anyway: it was one of the more trouble aspects of being in Trench, where you could be a perfectly functioning and nice person and then one month later turn into a completely different person. She just hoped that Lexi and Ochako would see each other and become friends].

Some people would say brave, some would say really stupid! But that's the thing about this place, Ochako-san. You have to pick and choose your battles and where you'll stand, and sometimes, you have to accept that you lost. That's something I'm still having trouble with, and I bet you are too. But sometimes a loss can help you remember that there are things you can't be willing to lose.

[Luz took a breath. She knew darn well when someone said it was fine that this was a lie, that Luz herself had been the first person to trot out that she was ok when she absolutely was not. Did Ochako need to reflect and know herself more? Probably. Did she need to suffer? Absolutely not].

Ochako, I'm sure you can take some time to recover, get better. But please understand that I'm going to worry about you. You're my friend. If I can make things a little easier so that you're not in so much pain, I would. And for the record, maybe you can't fix everything, but you can make sure that you remember who you are, and what you fight for.

I think that's strong enough. If you need to talk though? I'm always here, please remember that.

[Ochako is coming to learn that now herself. Even with her experience in a different world, and knowing that even her world had quirks that could control the body and mind - Shinsou's quirk was quite literally called Brainwashing - she never experienced it firsthand. The experience was terrifying, truly, and she never wants to go through it again, or at least try to train herself to combat it better. There has to be a way to prevent that sort of thing from happening again. She doesn't want to lose the friends she made because she wasn't herself, and couldn't fight against the powers that took hold of her...because it's still her responsibility.]

Y-Yeah...loss is really tough for us to swallow, as Heroes. I-I think because we're just so used to Heroes always winning...just like All Might. If we lose, we fail, and that's the biggest blow to any and every Hero. Even if...I've definitely lost before, i-it's not like it's new. [Ochako scrubs her face, squeezing her eyes shut. It's just that, right now, in her timeline...losing isn't an option. Ochako's already lost so much, her home has already lost so much during this war.]

Luz-san... [Ochako smiles, and her eyes well up with tears again, but she quickly wipes them away. Not now. It's not the time for that. She has to be strong, has to keep going. Just like she stood up on the roof of UA, for the sake of her dearest friend, she has to stand up for herself, too.] ...Right. You're right. I-I'll be okay. Not right now, but I will be. You're all helping with that, too, little by little, so. Th-Thank you...so much.

You're a good friend. I'm really..r-really glad I met you.

[Luz absolutely knew what it was like to lose. She remembered pieces of her own losing, from that vampire girl to Bill at the portal in Deerington, to the times she had to walk away from a fight because Eda had asked her to right before truly living in Deerington. Eda being there had meant the world to Luz, and up until recently, Luz thought she'd done a good job at bailing when things got too hot and she would lose. Clearly, that had changed and finally resulted in the girl's first death.

She didn't want to repeat that experience again].

It's OK if you lose, if the way to win is impossible. Look, I'd rather face some unpleasantness from you than, say, you busting a blood vessel trying to fight Trench's magic. You did your best, I know you. So I had to do MY best and remember the great person you are despite Trench trying to make me forget that.

[And it had been hard, and a bit painful, but she held on, and Ochako, HER Ochako, was here, trying her best to reconcile what the month had done to her].

We all go through this, one way or another. I'm just sorry it happened to you. I hope it won't happen again, but I'll always know the real you. This will take time to recover from, but it'll happen.

[She smiled]. And you're a really great friend too. I can feel better in this place knowing heroes like you exist.

[Death is common here, Ochako knows that, and even though people can come back (a concept she doesn't quite understand fully), it does nothing to alleviate the shock value of seeing anyone die - those you care about, those you know, those love love... Hell, she's torn up about a complete stranger, and that one is confirmed to not be able to come back at all. Maybe that's why she's so upset with herself - Ochako is young, still just a kid, and a Hero trainee to boot. Heroes don't kill, they try their damnedest not to, it's been drilled into her head again and again. Even if her experiences in Nippon taught her that, sometimes, it's the best course of action...it's not easy to change learned behavior over one's entire life, or shift that moral compass in such a way.]

I really wish you didn't have to deal with any unpleasantness from me, but...that's a big wish to fulfill, ne? J-Just, um...y'know, you can fight me back. Any time I'm not really myself, you can always fight back. What you did to detain me was the best thing you could have done, so...thank you.

Ehehe, you know...you're pretty Heroic yourself, Luz-san. I think you'd make a good one. [And she means that honestly. Luz really does have the heart of a Hero, and if she honed her skills and powers...she could fit in well in UA.] Even Heroes need saving sometimes, and friends are really good at that.

[Who saves Heroes when they need saving? The answer was always the ones closest to them.]

[Luz was all too aware about death, but obviously didn't know anything about how badly things had gone for Ochako in that respect. To Luz, Ochako was doing her best to help and be the hero that all of the others she'd likely see were in their own right. Trench had no right to try and take that away from her. But Luz knew that Ochako, in her right mind, was in her eyes the hero that she wanted to be].

I wish I could tell you that you'll be able to resist it the next time, but this place can be very uncertain when it comes to how you'll be able to function. But I didn't want to hurt you, Ochako, and in this case, it was only me. If you'd been threatening someone with me, it would probably be the only time I'd try to fight you.

[Despite how much Luz would never want to].

I try to help people here, however I can. I might not be able to stop really big things, but for what I can do, I'll do my best! And I agree with you on heroes needing saving! Heck, even silly witches need some saving!

[Case in point]!

Yeah...sadly, I know. It was like this in Nippon too, but way less, um...terrible.

[Like, the effects were never so bad that someone could get physically hurt, or killed. It usually just caused a bit of an annoyance, or some hurt feelings and fights - that's all. Trench is on a whole other level with the mind/body control thing, and Ochako shudders to think that she can, and probably will, be taken over again in the future. Which is why she makes a little grumbling noise in her throat.]

Mmmh...I know you didn't want to hurt me, Luz-san, and I definitely didn't want to hurt you, either, but I'm use to fighting. I've done it dozens of times, and it's going to be part of my job in the future, or so I hope. Because of that, I'm dangerous if this ever happens again, so...it's okay, really. I'm giving you permission to fight me, and do whatever it takes to make sure I don't hurt people. I'd expect that of my friends.

...In fact, I've already fought against my two best friends already, even if it was just a competition and stuff. I'm used to getting a little banged up, hehe. [Ochako laughs a little. Her mantra is definitely something she's strived for for a long time, and will continue to do so going into her later years as well. Everyone needs a Hero - someone told her that back in Nippon, when she was feeling lost about her future, her hopes and dreams, and her goals. It's true...even if it's not completely the same as back home, Ochako and her friends will always be Heroes.] Ne, then let's promise each other to save one another if we ever need it, ne? Pinky promise!!

[YES, IT'S A CHILDISH THING TO DO, AND WEIRD WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN PERSON, BUT A PINKYY PROMISE IS ETERNAL.]

I feel like I'm going to have to find out about this Nippon place, aren't I?

[It sounded like a lot went on wherever it was, and Trench had certainly done nothing to calm these feelings she had from herself being taken over. Luz had to admit that she hadn't exactly had that happen to her the way it had for Ochako: the worst had really come from being corrupted].

I wouldn't want to hurt you, Ochako-san. I know that you're a fighter, and I know that if we did that for real, it would probably get pretty ugly. But I also understand what you're saying when it comes to hurting other people. I can't promise I'll be trying to hurt you, but if I had to stop you? I'll do what I can.

[Ah yes, the competition. She actually didn't mind losing that so much since she wound up talking more to Lexi as a result. But she'd do her best to honor what Ochako was asking of her. After all, if she'd been in her shoes? She'd be asking for the same thing].

Ok, you got it! Pinky promise!

[Did you think Luz was too mature to do a pinky promise? Perish the thought]!

[Oh, did Ochako never really tell Luz about her stint in that other, world? The older, more magical/spiritual version of her home country that had literal ghosts, demons, and magical yokai living in it? It was definitely bizarre, though far less dangerous than Trench, despite the oddities. There was definitely dangers, mostly from the monsters and curses that could befall those living in the various cities from troublesome yokai and ayakashi, but...it was nothing compared the ongoing horrors Trench boasts day in and day out. Most times Ochako could combat Nippon's weirdness. Trench is just a whole other level.

She makes a mental note to regale Luz with stories of the older-style Japan one day, when she's up to meeting her face to face again.]

I know what you're saying...no one wants to hurt their friends, but stopping them sometimes means you can't really be nice. [Tough love, in a way. Maybe it's something certain people can grasp better, or worse, than others. Ochako knows her friends and classmates would hate to do the same, but there's just...precious little choice sometimes. Those are the hard decisions Heroes have to make. It sucks, but she's sure anyone else in that situation would ask the same, yeah.] I think that hard lesson was drilled into me the first day of UA - if I expect the world and the people in it to hold my hand, then I'll never walk on my own. If I depend too strongly on my friends to lift me up, I can't soar proudly on my own wings. ...Worlds like this are unkind, and while it's great to want to show mercy and kindness in places where it's lacking...sometimes the best choice is always the hardest one.

But I'll trust your judgement in the future, no matter what.

[And Ochako touches the tip of her pinky to the screen of her Omni. Promise!]

[Nope, Luz would have absolutely remembered all of that if Ochako had told her! It sounded like it was a lot and was clearly Ochako's version of Deerington. One day the two of them needed to start talking about the type of things they'd seen in the worlds they visited]!

You're right about that. I really didn't want to do that to you, and I'm glad that then, you didn't fight me. I do appreciate that. And the thing is? I was lucky. I had Eda holding my hand at first, and all she asked at the time was that I didn't jump into dangerous situations.

[Which, if she really thought about it, she hadn't quite stopped doing yet. Maybe Lexi WAS going to have to start keeping an eye on her].

I promise though: if it really gets bad, if I have no choice, then I'll go for that option. The last thing I want is for you to really hurt someone because I was too much of a coward to try and stop you.

[And here, she held her pinky up to her friend].

[They definitely do have to have a talk, or even just Ochako telling stories about it to all her friends. They know that she was in another world, but not the specifics, or some of the cool, and downright terrifying things that happened there. Some of what she experienced would make some absolutely awesome stories...and she will never, ever, pass up an opportunity to gush about the Inu yokai.

Lucky...yeah. Luz was definitely lucky that she stopped Ochako when she did, that she incapacitated her, and that she held herself together long enough to retreat on her own. If Luz had any less luck than she did, if Ochako managed to touch her and activate Zero Gravity on her...well. She's trying to keep those thoughts at bay. Falling alone isn't the scariest thing her quirk can do. Simply floating up and up into the endless sky, where the air thins and the simple act of breathing becomes a challenge in and of itself, where no one can find and bring you back... It's a horror that would churn Ochako's stomach without ever activating her quirk at all.]

...It's okay to rely on those around you for help and support, but leaning on them too much stunts how much you grow. I, um...I know that from experience. S'why when the dangers that exist in the world finally cross paths with you, you don't rush into them, but wait for them to come, and react wisely. Gunhead taught me that - centering yourself, and patiently defending until the moment you can strike.

[Pressing her pinky to the spot where she sees Luz's on her Omni's screen, Ochako just smiles.]

Then it's a promise!! That no matter what, we look out for one another...but agree that if things get really bad, if we have no other choice, then we stop each other from hurting others around us, ne? And trust one another to have that strength and resolve not to hesitate.

[A promise between friends...this is definitely what Ochako needs to start setting herself right again. Maybe what they both need.]

[Luz would be happy to hear them! If there was anything that could be said about Luz Noceda, it was that she lived to hear about stories! There was a reason she was pleased as punch about running a bookstore with her girlfriend: it was a combination of two amazing things!

Yeah, Luz had known better than to try and ONLY talk to Ochako at the time, but she was also, through talking with the girl, realizing how lucky she was that Ochako in that addled state hadn't seriously wanted to murder her. Luz had not been in the fighting mood then, and that would have spelled death for her, to be unprotected.

And Luz had people who cared about her too much to let that happen again].

I wouldn't lean on people too much...you could say that the time for that ended the moment that Eda woke up in Deerington. At that point it was just me and my sister, and after a time not even that. So the idea that I had to take care of things on my own is just kind of always there.

[But that was good advice from...Gunhead. Seriously]??

You got it! We combine our strength, and we fight to keep the other restrained if it ever gets that bad! The best thing is to make sure we can keep people safe!

[Because that was the thing that would absolutely get Luz to act: saving people].

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[Video; un: Uravity]

Video UN: glyphywitchy

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Now that you said that I think we might need to edit that last part in their interaction lol

sobbbb sorry ;;; if you need me to edit anything, lmk for the other thread.

Totally fine! We have to work out their trauma somehow!

Yuuuup, nothing ventured, nothing gained!!

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