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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

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[He snorts when Keith shrugs after that light remark. Then he swallows hard at what he says next. Well, no, he'd never consciously hurt anyone he loves. But that's the kicker, isn't it? Stuff gets in their heads and drives them to do the unthinkable. And he's never been able to personally accept what he's tried to tell Keith about it not being his fault because how he sees his mental instability as a product of his own mistakes. But he's not going to go down that rabbit hole of arguing the point, he just glances down and closes his eyes a moment and then turns it back on Keith.]

You know, you should think about directing some of that speech to yourself. You'd never consciously hurt innocent people… and you aren't weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. [He doesn't think he needs to backtrack and clarify what he's talking about. It's the whole reason they're here together in the first place. An impromptu memory share momentarily stole both their attention, but that concern and purpose never left him.

He then takes Keith's hand and continues, voice shaking with a doubt he can't help, doubt in himself, but determination to try his best not to let Keith down and the fear that he will is palpable in every aspect of his body and voice.] I… I trust you and I'm always gonna try to have your back too. And we… we can definitely still do that. I'll… try not to let you down, anyway.

Edited 2022-10-14 04:23 (UTC)

[Keith blinked, and dropped his gaze for a second, taking a breath like he might either cry or argue, but he let it out shakily instead. It's not like Lance didn't know Keith didn't really agree with that assessment about himself, and he did appreciate the fact that Lance was trying to help dispel his self-doubts. They were both trying to do that for each other here, at least. Fighting against that was kind of pointless in a way.

Instead, Keith managed a small weak smile in return... a doubtful one, but he was trying.

But he was glad Lance took his hand, and that got a better smile in response. He nodded.]

Honestly, that's all I can ask of anyone... is just that they try. Shiro once promised me that he'd never give up on me. And he made me promise not to give up on him, and not to give up on myself. I haven't done so great with the second one. I know that. But... [He squeezed Lance's hand.]

I'm not gonna give up on you, either. Okay? So... try not to give up on yourself, either.

[He only let go of Lance's hand long enough to put it on his back. He was a little unsure of going any further at the moment, though he knew Lance was okay with the idea of hugs. He was just nervous to push too far... Not that he'd turn one down if Lance wanted to interpret the move as an invitation for one.........]

[When Keith starts talking about Shiro and the promises mad when Keith was younger and entering the Garrison, Lance feels a different kind of heavy pensiveness come over him. He's not the only one who was messed up by Deerington, and trying to get through to Shiro to support him too has been like slamming his face into a wall over and over. He hasn't given up, but it started feeling like he's the problem a long time ago.

So hearing that places a lump in his throat. But he's so exhausted by the emotional distress and baggage getting dealt with here that he doesn't speak to it. He doesn't have the words, or the desire to bring up concerns about Shiro with Keith, the king of being concerned about Shiro.

And he's pretty sure that he gave up on himself a while ago, and the idea that Keith is vowing not to give up on him makes him feel a little choked up. There's just a lot of baggage for him in that whole well-meaning pep talk that is just so endearingly Keith that he finds himself with a pang in his chest and feeling warm all at once. He just nods, tiredly and offers Keith a tight smile.]

I haven't done so great with it either… [He takes a pause to consider something else to say, but then Keith's letting go of his hand (he'd almost forgotten they were doing a handshake thing) and putting it on his back. His heart jumps at the way Keith does it, something about it feels intimate in a very familiar way. And his gut instinct is to nervously joke.] Heh. You trying to kiss me again, or something?

[There's a slight shake in his voice there that comes from the immense amount of pain and baggage he has over the very concept of kissing Keith. There's a reason he tried to just ignore the last one, but it's still an elephant in the room that hasn't been addressed properly, and he sure is addressing it now! What the fuck is wrong with him?]

[Neither of them had been doing great with not giving up on themselves, and he'd definitely gotten the sense of that wall, that distance, between Shiro and Lance. He hurt thinking about it because he knew how much Lance admired Shiro, and seeing the bonds in his found family get strained was hard. It was something Keith had decided he wanted to try to fix, too. He didn't know if he could succeed at it, or just end up making things worse, but he had to try.

But then Lance was moving on -... WAIT WHAT-]

WHAT? [Keith's voice actually cracked a little.] N-no! I just- I was... you know... I thought you might need another hug? [Yeah, that was a lot of awkward stuttering, fast words, and somewhat squeaky voice cracking, and he felt his face get all hot again. Was he blushing? He was probably blushing. He was definitely blushing. Shit.]

[For a very real moment he'd kind of hoped Keith really was aiming for that. But, he's used to the heartache at this point and hides his disappointment as best he can. Keith is cute when he's flustered and embarrassed and that is both fun for him and sorrowful because it makes him want to kiss him more. But no, bad idea, it was a mistake.

He snort-laughs and makes his grin a bit more prominent as he teasingly shoves Keith in the shoulder. All to try and cover up his stupid feelings.] R-right. I was just messing with you, man.

[Then he gets back on his knees and shifts closer to open his arms for a "bro hug."] Bring it in, buddy.

[He'd been going for the hug because he figured that would be what Lance wanted... not another kiss... and that response solidified it. Something in Keith felt oddly disappointed that Lance confirmed it.]

Y-yeah... yeah... of course you were. [Definitely disappointed.

But- okay, yeah. A hug he could do, and he shifted his own position now, opening himself up again from that huddled posture to lean in and hug.

For a hug from Keith, though, it was surprisingly warm and enveloping, not the usual awkward stiff hug he might have given back home.]

[Over his time in Deerington and now Trench, he's developed some issues with touch from just anyone. He's not as easy with touching people or being touched, and he only does hugs with a very short list of people. When Keith first came back here, he wouldn't hav been on the hug list because of the grief there. The pain is still there as piercing as ever, but Lance has learned how to carry it and focus on what's most important.

The hugs they have shared since have been hard but needed and he doesn't open himself up to them lightly. Even now, there's some truth to that despite how light he's trying to make of it. His arms come around Keith's middle with a similar caution to what he'd had on the beach after Hunk left and he has to take a moment to ease into it.

This time, he's being very careful to place his head on the clothed part of Keith's shoulder. After a long moment, he lets out a shuddered breath and brings up the lingering question that's been lurking in his mind because one, it's important and two, he needs something else to focus on besides his broken heart.]

Hey, um… when you… saw my memory. [His voice trembles as he says that, but he swallows, puts it aside and continues stronger.] Were you touching my skin?

[He can't remember, but that's not surprising because he was not fully in the present moment and also losing his shit. He just needs to be sure, so he can figure out how to control that.]

Your... your skin?

[Keith froze a second, trying to remember. A lot happened in a short time, and it was a lot to think about and get through to figure out one small detail, but...]

I... I think so. I might have been.

[He frowned.]

Wait, should I-... should I make sure not to? [He'd never noticed an issue with that before.] Is that a bad thing?

[Immediately, Lance is shaking his head in response to Keith's concerns as he pulls out of the hug and settles his back against the wall next to Keith.]

It's not really bad, it's just how my blood powers work. They're touch activated. [He looks down at his hands on his knees. He's likely already told Keith some version of this, but this is still new.] They're not that strong, all I do is make people's pain go away… I didn't know I could show anyone a memory like that.

[He dons a look of focus as he thinks back to that moment, to what he was thinking and feeling.] I think… I was frustrated because I wanted to tell you but couldn't figure out how. Or remember well enough. [He heaves a breath and shakes his head.] All it means is I've gotta be more careful. Or try to figure out how to control it.

Sasuke can do the same thing with his eyes, I think? It went wonky on him several months ago, and he hit me with a pretty strong memory by accident. He said it helps to eat something afterwards.

[Well, whether it was something in general or one of Sakura's curative riceballs, Keith wasn't sure. Either way, whatever it was that Sasuke had given him had been helpful.

Keith settled into a seated position, his left leg folded under him, the right stretched out next to him, and he fidgeted slightly with the hem of his jacket.]

You, uh... you okay now?

[This had been rough for both of them, honestly. But, something about it... Keith wasn't sure, but he felt like they'd made progress somewhere important. It was still a lot to process, but it definitely felt... significant.]

[Lance nods.] Yeah, he showed me one too.

[He glances away as a signal he doesn't really want to talk about how that went. It triggered a massive corruption spike and his first stint as a deer back then. That's a point of shame and of course trauma for him. If he could just… get and keep his shit together, he could have maybe done more instead of become a liability Sasuke had to handle.

The question has him glancing back at Keith with eyebrows drawn together, then he looks down. Again, shame he piles on himself. He wishes Keith didn't have to ask him that. But something has shifted, he feels like the ground under his feet isn't the same. He's never told anyone any of that and he's still reeling from the exchange. It feels surreal, he still doesn't quite know where the dust is going to settle.

…In another leap of faith, he decides to be honest.] …I don't think I've been okay… for a long time. [He turns concerned eyes back on Keith, shakily putting the question back on him.] What about you? I dunno if I've ever seen you so torn apart on the network like that.

[Even after everything in Deerington, Keith tended to retreat and isolate, but he also doesn't recall something like this happening to him. Becoming possessed and pushed to hurt innocent people and possibly people he cares about. Most people were subjected to that in some way eventually, but some dodged it entirely.]

[Keith nodded as well. At least, they had a place to start, right? Granted, it was likely a completely different type of power, but it was a lead.

Still, though, things were quiet for a moment as they both considered if they were 'okay'. Were they? Keith wasn't sure if he was, honestly. He listened to Lance finally admit that he wasn't. And, yeah... Keith had a feeling about that. Especially after that memory he saw. His jaw tensed as he debated his own answer. Finally, he just shook his head. He sniffled, and then took a deep breath.]

Not right now. [He let the rest of the air out in a sigh.] Maybe I will be later. But... not right now. [He looked down at his hands in his lap.] I don't even know if I did the right thing. I just... I felt like I owed people... something. [In a way, Keith had retreated. He'd retreated to the barn and had been there for hours before he'd made that post. He'd debated it with himself, felt compelled to make things right, but was afraid to admit that he wasn't okay. It was one of the reasons he'd tried to do it with just his voice. Though, he hadn't even been able to apologize correctly, either. Duty had called him out on that.]

I just... messed everything up. Again. [He squeezed his eyes shut, his voice getting choked up a bit at the end, and then pressed his hands against his eyes. He took a very deep breath, though it was shaky. No, he was definitely not okay.]

Edited 2022-10-24 08:53 (UTC)

[Lance doesn't need empathy powers for those words to hit him in the gut and the heart. It's like hearing his own thoughts said out loud, the way he's felt for a long time. And still hasn't really figured out how to not feel that way. It doesn't seem like telling Keith he didn't mess up is gonna help, it wouldn't really help him.

This whole attempt to help has been a botched collusion of painful memories and panic and misunderstandings and frankly they're both exhausted and raw. But even if everything about being around Keith is painful for him, he's going to swallow it and do his best to support him. He reaches over to place his arm behind Keith and grip his opposite shoulder near his neck. It's a very platonic, companionable semi side hug for bros and bros only.]

Yeah, you've made some mistakes before. I don't think this's one of them, but that doesn't matter much when you feel like you do… so take it from a guy who's made a zillion mistakes: all you can do is get up and try to make it right. And you always have. [He heaves a breath and swallows, continuing.]

I get feeling so guilty you can't breathe and it feels like the only way to make it right is to let someone hurt you back… but if you really wanna fix things with people, it can't just be about how bad you feel… you gotta listen to how they feel too. If they feel like you owe them something they'll tell you what it is… but I- [his voice shakes with abrupt emotion] I really don't wanna see you hurt again, man. You don't deserve that, even if someone actually wants it from you.

[Hearing Lance of all people tell him that he didn't deserve to hurt was like like a kick to the chest. Everything about them had blown so hot and cold, back home, here in Trench, just... they're whole relationship was just back and forth. And Keith often felt off balance around Lance. But that...

He'd almost resisted the half-side-hug-thing that Lance had done, but those words... He let out a sharp breath, almost like he was going to cry for a second, but he managed not to... and then finally just sagged into Lance's hold.]

[Honestly, he wasn't expecting much more than that. They're both utterly exhausted at this point, and that last little speech he just gave to try and help Keith was about the last of his juice. Through his empathic ability he can sense that Keith got something from it. Maybe it didn't fix things, but that's okay.

He is a little tense at first again, but then relaxes back against the barn wall and lets Keith lean into his side. There's a lot of things running through his head, a lot of painful things, but he doesn't have the emotional energy to fight them. He reaches into his jacket pocket to grab a bottle of alcohol and palm a pill to take quickly and chase with the drink. He's never risked doing that in front of anyone, but he needs to take the edge off and this was… a lot.

Then he side-glances at Keith to see if he noticed, and if he's watching him he'll just sigh.] Felt like one of those 'I need a drink' moments. Y'know? [After… all that.]

[Keith felt the shift and opened his eyes long enough to notice that bottle, but the angle he was at made him not notice the pill. That latter part was probably a good thing, but, even the alcohol did get a little bit of an eyebrow raise. Still, Lance actually did kind of have a point. Keith was quiet for a moment, and then put out his hand, reaching for the bottle.]

Yeah... that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

[Lance hesitates a moment and then hands it over. There's a sorrowful, far away look in his eyes as he looks off somewhere else.]

Just… don't get too comfortable with it.

[Don't be like him.]

[Keith took a long pull, and then coughed. He shook his head as he handed it back.]

Nah... tastes like shit anyway.

[But it was fine. Once in a while...? Yeah. That was fine. He didn't want to make a habit of it, but he also just couldn't argue with the idea in the moment.]

[Lance takes it back and laughs briefly under his breath when Keith coughs. Then takes another long drink and puts it back in his jacket.]

Nobody drinks it for the taste, man. And if they say they do, they're lying.

[Or pretentious. Sure, there's alcohol that has a nice taste compared to others, but if you wanted shit that tasted good first and foremost you'd probably go for something else. That's what he thinks anyway, even if he's acquired a taste for some kinds by now.

He lets out a breath and slumps more against the barn wall and tilts his head a bit to the side to rest it in the bale of hay on his other side. Already, his head's getting hazy and the things he hears start to muffle and everything mutes and becomes more vibrant in a better way. He could probably just pass out right here for a short nap before trying to coax Keith back to the house later…]

Mm.

[Honestly, Keith's only previous experiences with alcohol involved cheap beer at dorm room parties in those last couple of years at the Garrison. And, yeah... that sucked, too. It had been one of the main reasons he'd never actually gotten drunk at any. Well, that and the fact that he rarely went unless someone dragged him along for some unknown weird reason (probably a dare from another classmate to see if they could get him to be social or something). But, either way, it was crappy beer, and one of the worst types of alcohol that you could have a crappy version of was beer. Even more so when it was warm because they'd been hiding it under a bed or something and not keeping it cold.

He wrapped his arms back around his legs, looking off to the side away from Lance as he leaned his head forward to rest his chin on his knees. Kosmo was pressed up against his side opposite from Lance, just being a warm physical presence as best he could at this point.

If Lance did fall asleep, Keith wasn't going to wake him. But he also didn't exactly get up and leave, either.]

[It's not easy for him to sleep, even if he feels like he could, the best he does is doze a little, half in and half out before a flash of nightmare jolts him back. After a bit of silence, he opens one eye to glance over at Keith and his body language. He heaves a breath through his nose and reaches a hand up to lightly pat him on the back a couple times.]

Wanna go in now?

[Keith had eventually closed his eyes, but he didn't sleep either. More of the memories from that encounter on the beach were coming back... the things they'd done and said to each other right before...

But Keith wasn't sure if he could talk about it, yet. He wasn't sure if Lance could talk about it, yet. A lot had gotten pulled out here tonight already, and their feelings were pretty raw from that alone. They needed a break. He felt Lance's hand on his back as he patted him a few times with a light touch, and he opened his eyes a little, shifting them to look over.

He shrugged at the question.]

I guess.

[At least, he didn't feel the need to hide anymore. So, there was that. Though, whether he was ready to do anything else other than numbly follow Lance's lead at this point, he wasn't sure.]

[Lance frowns in concern, but he also understands completely. He isn't exactly feeling too great after everything they just talked about and shared. A large part of him is still ready to combust or disappear or crawl out of his very skin over the fact that Keith saw one of his most shameful and traumatic memories. But Keith hasn't shunned him or treated him differently. Yet. And also Keith needs help and he's not rejecting it from Lance so far, so he'll be here for him first and foremost and swallow all the shame and doubt.]

I promise the couch is way more comfortable.

[He says, trying his hardest to stay conversational, normal… everything is fine. He stands, sways a bit and then holds a hand down to help pull Keith up.]

[Keith shifted his head to watch Lance get up and then looked at the hand being held out to him. After a moment, he reached up and took it to stand.]

I don't know... it's not a great couch.

[He was trying to sound normal. Did it work?

Kosmo stood as well, ready to teleport them down to the door if they wanted.]

[Lance snorts lightly and then looks to Kosmo… maybe it'll just be easier to use his help.]

Hey Kosmo, wanna give us a lift right to the not great couch?

[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

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