( video | un: alucard )

[ananym]

[ he really hates doing this . . . but alucard knows he needs to commit to it. the feed turns on with him looking . . . not quite sheepish, but a tinge of irritation layered with contriteness. ]

Last month, I had the unfortunate issue of losing control of my vampiric nature and lashed out onto a number of people here. I hope you would be willing to accept my apology and if not, direct me in ways where I can make amends. I . . . do not usually need or require blood as sustenance so it took me by surprise.

My apologies. If it helps, it seems I've lost my sense of taste. Perhaps that is penance in a way.

Comments

[ananym]

It may not.

[ like what happened after taka and sumi. you want to feel validated in your grief and pain. drink it away. keep your borders closed. ]

But that does not change the fact that it is one.

[fogsong]

It feels like it's a choice they made for me.

[ananym]

Then take it back.

[fogsong]

[ she almost tells him easier said than done but instead what comes out is an almost desperate: ] How?

[ananym]

[ there's a long pause. it's a difficult answer, an imperfect one at best. it took him some time to untangle what taka and sumi had done and if it hadn't been for greta and her hour of need . . . ]

What path do you wish to take your life to?

[fogsong]

Before I came here, to Trench, I would have told you I just wanted a normal life. Always running, always having to watch your back, never knowing who you can trust... It exhausts the life out of you.

But now? I don't know. I just... I just walk whatever path is in front of me. Whatever path others think I should.

[ananym]

I know that feeling. For me, it was always the battle. Being there for people in need. As my mother would have wanted.

But it is hard to untangle the legacies of the past from your own. At the very least, I know what I do not wish to do and it is a start.

[fogsong]

That's... You make a good point. I don't know if I even know that yet, what I want and don't want comes and goes like I'm more than one person on the inside, but you've given me something to think about at least. Maybe it'll help.

Do you mind if I ask... what you don't wish to do?

[ananym]

. . . As I am bound to my mother's legacy, there is also my father's. When she passed, he went mad with grief and anger.

He would have wiped all of humanity from the world.

[fogsong]

[ Sharon can't hold his father's rage against him. She knew too well what it was like to want to watch the world burn. ] would have. Is that because he changed or... is it because you stopped him?

[ananym]

[ he falls silent but his expression says enough of what the outcome was. it is a tightly knotted pain he has no way of exorcising. the grief of losing a mother, the grief of killing your father in order to protect the legacy of another. the grief of knowing you will be inescapably, inevitably alone for bearing that sin. ]

[fogsong]

[ his look tells her everything and her expression falls. not with pity but instead a shocked, pained sympathy. she looks away from the camera, suddenly floundering for words. ]

I'm sorry. [ she finally manages out ]

[ananym]

No one should be.

[ his father was dracula. a scourge. an evil. death himself rose to greet him like a friend. hell took him in like a lover would. what was there to mourn? only alucard who was left, who remembers. ]

[fogsong]

That's bullshit. No matter what he wanted to do, he was still your father. That... That fucking sucks, Alucard, and I'm sorry.

[ananym]

[ he doesn't know how to respond to that, so he simply nods. ]

[fogsong]

[ she'll let a quiet fall between them that lasts several minutes as she watches him on her end, expression one of sympathetic understanding. ]

I meant what I said back then: if you need anything, you can call me. Even if it's just company you need, Alucard. The house has gotten a little lonely since my mother left.

[ananym]

[ oh. ]

Your mother was here?

[fogsong]

She was, yeah. She returned to the sea last month. [ she bows her head ] Grief is a bitch.

[ananym]

[ a pang runs through him. she sounded like trevor. ]

It most certainly is.

[fogsong]

I hate it so fucking much I could scream. It's been a month and it feels like it was yesterday. I do everything I can to forget for a few hours but then I come home and... remember all over again. [ she laughs but it's a bitter sound. a tired one. she sighs. ]

[ananym]

. . . And all your memories are trapped in that place.

[ like his were. ]

[fogsong]

[ it's her turn to fall quiet and nod her head, jaw tight. ]

[ananym]

[ gently. ]</small Have you thought about moving or allowing for company?

[fogsong]

My mother chose this home. She picked out all the decorations and fixed up the bedrooms. [ when she speaks of her mother, her voice is warm and she smiles just a little ] I could never leave it. I do sometimes stay at my mentor's place, though. It does help to get away but I get antsy being gone too long.

[ as for company ] I had people over a few times right after she left but I've always been weird when it comes to company. I never want to ask for it and I'm an awful host. I don't know what normal people do.

[ananym]

What does it matter what normal people do? No one here is normal.

What is it you want to do?