deernet | text | un: anonymous

text | un: anonymous

( This is not Peter Graham, though of course, posting anonymously takes away that possibility. The user didn't want to use the boy's network handle, to inevitably be seen through the filter of "Not Peter."

The user is trying to define his own identity. )

why did you choose your title here on this THING
what is the meaning
?
?

( ...Texting is still something he struggles with, though the demon has been watching and learning and forming his own conclusions on how to do it. Autocorrect is a life-saver. Two questions get two question marks. ....Even if they go in the wrong place. )

i will grant you a
GOLDEN COIN
if you
RESPOND

( ...For those who know Paimon fairly well, that particular offer of exchange might betray who he is. But the demon of Knowledge is curious to hear reasons, and within them: perhaps stories, memories, self-perceptions. There is a meaning to everything, whether simple or complex.

And perhaps by the end of it, he will know what title he would give himself, here on the network. )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[well, there it is. it's something vi has discussed before, mostly with herself ...but she's let it slip during the worst trench has had to offer, and it's one more layer added to why she feels responsible. she'd said the words. she'd heard jinx elaborate whilst she was tied to a chair. she'd shared that with at least one person in trench, who knows how many others. she's unsure if she should say something ...but her nerves get the best (or the worst?) of her.]

i'm sorry.

[there's more (a lot more) she might add, but what if she says something worse? is that even possible?]

why?

because i failed you. because i hurt you. because i said the worst thing i could have ever said and i didn't even really mean it. because i left you. even for a minute. even if it was just to walk away so i wouldn't hit you again.

i still left you.

i never stopped thinking about it. i never STOP thinking about it.

dont kid urself. u meant it. u and i both know that. u know u can say sorry all u want but those are just words to me. they dont mean anything. actions speak louder. and well ur actions been good so far. so.

Edited 2022-10-24 17:35 (UTC)

but i didnt. mean them.
you might think you know that. you might believe it.
i know you believe it.

but i never did. i was scared and angry and grieving.
i was a mess and i was a dumb kid but i was still responsible
for myself and you
and i failed
i fucked it all up too and if you really look at it
its all my fault
all of it
i called the shots and i made a bunch of bad calls
and then you got stuck with the fallout
i wasnt even there to tell you different
to say sorry right away
when you still might have believed me

i know theyre just useless words
maybe they mean something maybe they dont
but sometimes theyre the only thing we have
unless we want to just guess at everything and probably be wrong about it

every day im scared of doing it again and not even knowing it
of fucking up and being a bad sister
so if i can get a "good so far" thats probably the best i can hope for
those words just meant something
to me anyway

[but she's still sorry. and she'll double down on trying to be better, to help things be better for jinx, who rose out of powder's ashes thanks to ...well, what are sisters for, eh? she could list some things just now, but they are all bad.]

fear haunts us all. - silco u can say u were scared, gireving, angry all u want. i was too. but what i felt didnt matter to u. family stick together. unless i mess up right? until bad things happen?

you think i dont know that? how could i not know that
?

you can say it didnt matter to me but you cant know that at all. you cant know if thats true. it isnt. what you felt mattered to me more than anything. its the whole reason i walked away. staring at your blood on my hand like hey i just did that. vander's dead and everyone is dead and shit's on fire and this is what i did.

i was right around the corner trying to stuff it all down so i could come back with my head on straight and get you out of there. i never got the chance and that part isnt my fault but you didnt know

how could you know

all you were left with was a bloody nose and the dumb shit i said

why lie about it
you know thats not me
the last thing i saw was silco walking toward you
didnt even get a chance to yell

youre wrong about that too
im still here if you mess up
especially when you mess up
and when the bad things happen
especially then too

right. so why did u make this public big sis? so u can get a pity party going so everyone can be on ur side if i dont accept ur apology? btw no. i dont know who u are anymore. we are diff ppl now.

i dont know
couldnt decide
still cant

started public made it private that felt wrong too
why not
im not going to hide it like some dirty secret

already did that and trench made other people look at it and it didnt change anything

what good is a pity party
does nothing
why would i care if they cared? doesnt help anything. doesnt do anything or fix anything.

i wasnt really putting it out there for you to accept
wasnt asking you to
im still not

really? so im willing to put the work in and meet you where you are but youre like
i dont know u

ouch but fuck it ig
still here

what the fuck do u want? a round of an applause? CONGRATS VI. FOR GIVING ME A HUG AND CHAT W/ ME SOMETIMES WOW. WONDERFUL. ALL IS FORGIVEN. and its b/c i DONT know u. ure still some girl that things all enforcers are good when theyre not. btw im trying TOO u know!! ugh this talk is dumb.

does the capslock mean u mean it more

ig u dont then
bc i never said or thought that ever

said as much here too
but blah blah blah words dont count actions do
why are u so convinced u know whats in my head when u say in the same breath u dont know me

i never said you werent trying
why would you think id think that
all youre DOING is trying

yeah it is and so am i guess
but here we are

yeah so congrats to me again for failing to meet expectations?

???

if theres something u want that im not doing
you need to tell me because i cant read ur fucking mind

just like u cant read mine
i can read INTO IT and get my panties in a big bunch but thats not gonna do sh it
either

I SEE U TRYING

~~save the applause for something worth it~~

i hate this convo!!!!! ive already TOLD U U WERE DOING GOOD SO FAR. why ARE YOU UPSET!! just go back to talking to everyone else ok? forget i said anything!!!

FINE

IM NOT ANYMORE I GUESS
IDK

yeah sure

[like an hour later]

i love you

(no subject)

opheliac - 2022-10-26 01:57 (UTC) - Expand

[anna's read over this thread a couple times. she's glad it's public but she doesn't expect a reply either way. she knows she's being weird.]

Hey.
We don't know each other, but if you ever want someone to talk to about this kind of thing.
My name's Anna. I left my little sister behind, too.
Bad way to introduce myself, I know, but I get the idea this is just hitting you hard right now.

hey anna
as youve read im vi

now you know me better that my own sister does apparently
👏👏👏

its not hitting as hard as it would if she wasnt here to argue with
i dont even know if that makes sense
also yes its hitting

it sucks

the whole thing was a mess and i maybe should have kept it private
i'm sorry about your sister. is it like this? a big mess with her too?

nah a bad way would be stealing my lunch or throwing a beast through my window
putting glue in my boots
that kind of shit

Worse with Beth.
I haven't seen her for over a decade. We haven't spoken.
I didn't leave because of her, but I did leave her to deal with my shitty parents all by herself.
Probably right when she needed me most, but there's no way to know, you know?

Anyway. I'm not really a solutions girl when it comes to this stuff, but it sucks. Big time.
I've heard Trench is good at fixing stuff, but sometimes that stuff has to break really bad first before Trench gets involved. And I hope it doesn't hit that point.

fuck that super sucks

and its kind of familiar
the first time weve really spoken in years was just before here and it was a bad time
like a hostage situation with accidental death and maybe not so accidental death
and a war probably started

can i ask why u dont speak
i can guess at it (the parents?) and im sorry they were bad
parents are
idk
i hear stories

ur right u do know this dance
its a shitty dance

i think they broke that bad at home already
its why i dont care about going back
most of why
theres nowhere to go but up here but its like were starting in a hole
been trying to dig us out since before she got here

Yeah. The dance sucks big time.
I meant to talk with her more, honestly, I really did. But I left home in a hurry and needed time for things to cool off, and then...
Well. Lots of stuff happened, but the city I moved to getting cut off from all external contact for a year and change probably didn't help.
And then when it all got restored, I guess I just never made the time.

[hm. well, that doesn't feel great to admit.]

Anyway, that's one of the things people like about this place.
Lots of time to work through shit you might never have gotten the chance to do at home.
Wouldn't exactly WISH Trench on anyone, but sometimes it's better than the alternative.

thats the shit isnt it
u have a plan u think u know whats coming and then
poof
bang
splat
nothing goes to plan and its all
like you said: stuff
happens

sometimes we just make bad calls
doesnt make it suck less or feel better but
u did what u did and im guessing hurting her was never on the list

i like that about this place
i know some people would say im crazy but sure sign me up if i can maybe unfuck it even just a little

have u ever seen her here
ur sister

[what anna wants to say is that she never even knew whether she'd hurt beth. she doesn't know if her sister is in pain, or if she's living her life just fine without the burnout of the lehmann family, or if she's in a coffin same as lillian. she doesn't know any of these things. but what she responds to is something different.]

There's a girl with her face here.
It isn't her, but I see her every time I look at 2B.
And even if that makes sense to me in its own weird little fucked up way, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I guess all I can do is hope that my actual sister never washes up on the shores and enters the squid game or it's gonna get real confusing, real fast.
Don't even know if she'd recognize me anymore. Probably not. I had two eyes and blonde hair the last time we saw each other.
I'd just be a weirdo who keeps trying to save her life, to her.

[a girl with her face. that's ...she can't really imagine how that would have made her feel, had she found someone the looked just like jinx, or ...just like powder. sure, there had been people that reminded her of both in small ways, but that's not the same at all.]

2b is the name of the girl?
are u friends or

no that sounds like it would be a whole new kind of hurt

[it's not entirely unrelatable when she digs at it. yes, she's decided to embrace her sister for who she is now, to no longer chase the ghost of a child that doesn't exist anymore. but sometimes - she has so many good memories of powder to counter the one terrible one - and time's tempered that, too. sometimes it's like she's seeing two people, and she can't quite reach either. sometimes she feels like the ghost is all she'll ever have. it's easy enough to understand the implications of had two eyes, but...]

ur hair changed?

sometimes i feel like i am that weirdo already

do you want her to wash up tho?

Edited 2022-10-31 01:47 (UTC)

Right, okay. Uh.
Long story short, I have the soul of an android from a dead world living inside me, and I inherited most of her body.
2B is from that dead world, but it's still alive for her! Which I don't get, but whatever.
The android I've got (A2) has white hair and she's from the same line as 2B. They're basically sisters.
And I always thought that if my actual sister ever really did make it to the city where all this stuff happened, she'd get 2B's soul inside her chest.

[that's not the best way she's ever explained it, but that's the rundown. she just has to be okay with that, she thinks.]

Whether she recognizes me or not, though, the important part is still being the person who saves her.
That's what sisterhood's about.
We screw up a fucking lot sometimes, but we're always here trying to make things better for our little sisters, even when we're the problem.

But I don't think I want Beth here.
I think there's better ways for us to repair whatever's wrong with us without adding her into the land of blood and squids.
Maybe. I don't know.
Kind of given up hope that she'll ever show up anyway.

[that's ...a bit confusing at first. not in the way it's stated, just the 'how' and the 'what' of it all. so ...that's a partial body switch? and two souls one body? she can wrap her mind around the concept, but has a hard time imagining what it might be like. her only reference for a similar problem (besides peter, and she barely knows about that beyond paimon broke my arm but he didn't totally mean to) is jinx, and that's ...a different issue.]

thats really complicated. not that you explained it bad or anything its just a lot of things together. i think i understand the part about the world not being dead. times so weird here.

yeah that is the important part. one of the most.
even when were the problem.

^^^ that sure is a truth

you know better than me what shed handle
or not
its kinda fucked up to wish people were here considering
but still
hopes weird too
as soon as i feel im better off without it some shit comes along to prove me wrong

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