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video | un: warden (this post is about romance novels)

[Good day, Trench, and welcome to... whatever this is going to be. Here is one Palamedes, sitting at his desk in what may be broadly recognizable as his office in the Sanctuary, whether or not one has been in it before (it has, these days, a distressing worm-on-a-string curtain in place of a door). Palamedes shuffles through some papers, tsks, and gets up to simply walk off screen, although this is not an accidental post, for he does call back:]

Damn my filing system! Hold on, don't look away.

[So now: the sounds of shuffling, and also, footsteps on a ladder? Then the eventual soft thump as he hops back down, and finally his several layered cardigans masquerading as a torso coming back into view, before he sits back down in the chair with a hearty squeak of rusty metal.

He has even more papers now. A small pile of notebooks, actually, which he folds his hands atop before properly regarding the camera.]

So! I wrote a book. Are any of you in the publishing business? Here, locally, or otherwise? My wheelhouse is firmly the academic, and literature— while a passion project— is a field I know far less about. As such: publishing. Any tips welcome.

I am also in the market for some cover art, I think. My artistic talents leave a lot to be desired, but I've produced some helpful mock-ups, somewhere around here...

[Just kidding they're right here ready and waiting, and so he holds them up side by side:

...So, yes. His handwriting is, of course, perfectly legible.]

Like I said: I'm an academic, not an artist. I'll pay you in whatever you like, blood or stone or- [and he leans briefly off camera again, to mutter, then he's back] -or scones! Good ones, for people into that kind of thing.

[Yahoo... Draw him a horny squidmance cover page... This is ordinary.]

Obviously, children need not apply.

Oh, and the working title is Ceasefire of the Senses: A Treatise on the Juxtaposition of Passion and Reason, unless you happen to be my cruelest critic and dearest spouse, love of my life, in which case "that title is ridiculous" and it's actually called "that story in your fifty notebooks." Regardless.

[He pats the pile of notebooks, like, his title is good actually? This might be a thinly veiled opinion poll about the title.]

And as it's the season, again, if anyone needs a professional hand with their lockjoint, come down to the Lumenarium- or Sanctuary- and ask for Palamedes. I'll take care of it with a silk touch; you get to keep the stones. Drawings of squids entirely voluntary for that one.

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[imagine if they had been a slower burn, that'd be a funny way to realize your bud is into you.]

I don't know, I believe it would be a marked improvement.

[ah, he's making a list. his lips quirk fondly, damnit.] Eh... above. 'That story you wrote' is above both still.

[as if this novel didn't originate as a vague self-insert romance written on a napkin]

Viktor, I'm not calling it 'that story you-slash-I wrote'. [Fondly, although he rolls his eyes a little, he still dutifully marks up the list. And, hmm, actually--] Well, hold on. Is 'you-slash-I' anything? You would have to pronounce the slash.

[Local man describing what he thinks might sound cool, actually just describing shipping.]

[fair, the cringe remains alive and flourishing from the start.]

You aren't, perhaps. I can call it whatever I'd like. [he walks over to loom a little, mostly look over the list as pal writes it, a hand at his back. and snort softly.] Too unfocused and meaningless. Below.

[sorry shipping.] Vi and her sister may be able to draw your nonsense. I still think the squid one is fine as a cover as it is.

[Damn, big L for shipping... He jots it down at the bottom. Sad, for like two seconds the world of weird typesetting was vast and open. Now there will never be a horny House of Leaves in Trench.]

I'll put your title in the dedication, which is for you. [Because of course it is, for both sappy and 'can't embarrass anyone else like this' reasons. He looks up at Viktor, head bumping against his arm. Hi.]

Vi's sister is an artist, too? [...] If they're interested, maybe they could collaborate?

[Or... compete?? Despite having a thousand blood relatives, Palamedes does not have siblings, how do those work.]

[viktor would find that a win though he's objectively wrong, horny house of leaves deserved its chance in the sun. he takes this moment to scroll pal's post again, making a mental note to ask about the necromancer-ass looking blonde later.]

That is sweet and will not stop me from using it as the primary title. [dry, but yeah he is going to take a moment to run his hand through pal's hair when he looks up at him like that.]

Yes, she drew all over my lab when she broke in. Very colorful, cartoonish. It may not be your preferred aesthetic. [though again, would be pretty funny.] I can ask Vi, if she doesn't find this post herself. I think she could use a project of some sort.

[given the two of them a little bit of both. frankly viktor doesn't get it either, he just sort of watches their drama from the sidelines and hopes no one bombs anyone about it. that's siblings, baby]

You can consider it the 'true' title page. I'm the author; I'll allow it. It will be our literary secret.

[Disgusting nerd flirting through titles... If Viktor keeps petting his hair like that Palamedes will write him a whole series called things like "The Story I Wrote on Weekends" and "Series Scribbled Exclusively in Blue Pen," but he doesn't need to admit that out loud. It is indeed obvious from how he leans back a little further into it, careful not to upset his creaky desk chair.

Hmhmhm...]

Maybe she can illustrate the chapter title pages. Some levity is always nice. [squids exploding or whatever, sure] Regardless: I will endeavor not to let either of them read it.

[Only faceless strangers they never meet can read this book, after all.]

Hm, for that I may occasionally call it by the title you actually pick in public.

[terrible, saccharine, smiling softly. very gross. he is going to keep idly running his hand through pal's hair so be ready to pay up with an entire book series of increasingly vague titles.]

I suppose I'll be prepared to make scones. Of all the things I could make someone for payment and you choose that. [deep sigh. why will no one let him make robots all the time.] Please. Vi alone will never let me live it down.

[he's already prepared for it though. the price of supporting pal's dark work, inevitable ribbing about it.]

Hmm, you indulge me too much and I'll think you like me. [badum tsh] Only if you can say it without rolling your eyes.

[Those are his terms. Now, in the book series Viktor is generating purely through this affection, volume one: This Book has Pages in It is already taking shape... Palamedes shuts his eyes, content despite the crimes he's doing to his spine for this right now.]

I've heard on the street that other people like food. You can make other things, if you want. Maybe something to bribe Vi with, so she'll leave you in peace just a little bit.

[smash cut to vi going "why's viktor got wings" in ten minutes on this very post, oopsie doodle]

I would imagine the literal bond did a better job of that. [a tap on pal's scalp, then in a pleasant tone,] Take what you can get in this.

[he'll roll his eyes where pal can't see, is that good enough. and don't worry, viktor will make him a new spine.]

Oh, you realize as much? Impressive, given your one man war against flavor as a concept. [and a pause to consider that. can vi be bought.] I still need to make her a gift for this holiday nonsense. Did I tell you Jason and somehow busy bodied ourselves into planning a party? For a number of holidays I've never heard of.

[he doubts pal knows them either. they are so bad at Earth Things]

True; I was clueless before then. [ha ha. he is relishing in the attention and the eyerolls he knows will happen sooner or later, of course.] I'm thriving.

[Now what's this about a party! He sits back up straight, turning in the chair to loop an arm around Viktor's waist and tug him around in front, hey, hey, come here where he may attach himself on to hear all about this exciting new concept: Viktor the party host.

If his delight at grouchy party guy Viktor wasn't already overt, the bond makes it overly so. Oho!! So funny!!]

How did he convince you to plan a party? I'll have to thank him. We have about zero holidays on the Sixth, but let me help; what do you still need done?

[well time to just be disgusting, because he leans down to tilt pal's head and press his lips to pal's temple. he likes when pal is thriving, sue him.] You're as absurd as your titles.

[anyway here we go, have that eye roll they've been talking about. yes, the bubbling amusement through the bond is nice but he will never allow it to show. except the damn bond is making his fondness leak through anyway so there's no god in the trench.

he allows himself to be moved regardless.] He didn't convince me, we somehow talked ourselves into it on Allen's post. Allen could use the levity, and it seemed like something Jason cared about.

[and he's a damn sap and likes those two a lot.] We didn't have any winter holidays like this either, though I'm told it's about food, a tree and gift giving. Typical enough, though I don't understand the business with the tree that well. [and another burst of Fond.] Hm, decorations probably. You could use those origami skills of yours again.

[This is only encouraging him, thanks bunches, xoxo. Palamedes hums with awful, saccharine contentment, nudging Viktor into place so that he can lean his elbow on the desk next to him and wiggle his other arm around him. Hi, again. Party time...]

You're soft. [(affectionate)] I'll fold you whatever you need; surely there's some recommendations on the network for the appropriate shapes. If nothing else, I'm not half bad at those tiny stars, lately.

[There may be tiny paper stars in random locations all over this office, because he can't stop moving his hands or his brain stops working.]

That aside: what gift would you like?

[well he gets hands in his hair again for that, comfortable with this terrible display of affection. in front of the worm curtain? unbelievable.

he's tempted to flick pal for that, but decides to be merciful.] If you tell anyone so the consequences will be dire. [he'll convince rio to sit on pal more than usual.] I was thinking the stars would be good. Maybe some paper chains. I'm making the tree.

[normal christmas stuff.]

Hm, it's hard to beat the mug. [dumb squidsona mug] I have an idea for you, though I'm uncertain if you'll enjoy it. I was thinking of using tweaking some of the bloodtech to cast an illusion on a window to look like the space view you'd be more used to. Is that misguided?

[these are supposed to be surprises, they're good at this.]

[The worm curtain will endure. Palamedes relishes the mercy of affection-sans-flick, so once again he's learning how to get away with anything. Truly, Viktor is the softest man to ever live... besides how pointy his elbows are, zing.

"Making the tree" sounds wrong, but Palamedes doesn't know enough about holidays to question it, so:]

Sure. I'll have the kids from Koz's come over and make chains. They have been trying to hint at something, which I'm guessing now has been this holiday thing all along.

[Kid! Time! And now a beat, while he conceptualizes this gift idea... hold on...] Like a Sixth view screen?

[That's so - astoundingly soft, and also hits him in the nostalgia for the Sixth that he hasn't really thought about in a while. That's on purpose; being as the Empire has One Good Thing and it's the Sixth, it's fairly easy to put all those feelings in a box. But aw, a view screen!]

I do miss the barren wasteland sometimes. A view screen would be phenomenal. Or, well— a blood screen? A Hex Screen. [ha ha ha]

[what could possibly be weird about making a tree, he can be so normal about it too. cue several nights of viktor spending all his time in the lab making a tree that looks like the grungy, unhinged version of what someone things a christmas tree should be.]

Hm, we'll need gifts then. I suppose Allen is already working on that. Maybe I can make your team little toy birds. [piltover has metal butterflies flying around so why not.

and viktor nods to that assessment, exactly like a sixth viewscreen. when it's received well his lips quirk.]

I'll call it the HexScreen just to annoy you. [this is love.] I'm glad, I've already started working on the basic idea of it.

I think they would love birds. Can we paint them the team colors?

[Eh? Eh? A bunch of little hot wings, literally?? They can sit on the horrible metal tree until they get given to the kids, it will be a whole production.

Viktor gets a kiss on the hand for his awful, terrible HexScreen. If he gets to put a hex on everything, Palamedes gets to title his book with a full paragraph. Them's the rules.]

It's already killing me; I'm going to love it. Will it be Rio-proof, for when she inevitably bonks her whole face into it? Maybe I'll get her a nice hat to wear.

[A soft hat... a squid hat, match Viktor's mug.]

Of course. I believe Shōyō would insist on that. [pour one out for sleeping in the ocean volleyball lad.

they are truly the ying and yang of titling thing. boring and over the top, uninspired and ridiculous. where is the balance.]

She'll try to eat the window, no doubt, but it should be fine. [hopefully. he can dream.] Will that be your gift for her? That is how this works, yes? Or are animals excluded from the tradition?

[what the fuck is holidays, help.]

[Hot wings eternal........]

She'll— really? I've never seen her try to eat a window before. [does she Know it's called HexScreen, is this her protest... if only.] Either way; I don't see why she shouldn't get any gifts. If I can't find a nice enough hat, I'll get her some new and improved toys to chew on.

[You know. Instead of the window. He holds up a hand-]

And on my honor, they won't squeak this time.

She'll lick it. [with her way too many tongues and muck it up. viktor suffers every day.] I choose to believe that is her attempts to eat and not her attempts to annoy me.

[he loves her deeply though.

the fact he says they won't squeak makes viktor's lips quirk as he leans in to give pal a kiss for that.] How generous. If only you could see the same sense with your titles.

I'm going to guess it's both, actually.

[But she's the best giant lizard ever, such a good girl, etc, that she can get away with it! But also shouldn't lick the screen... Possibly this is the same exact logic that nets Palamedes these kisses: not doing the annoying thing, but only sometimes. He hums, picture-perfect innocence with great naming sense.]

Some people have liked my title. I think it's very sexy.

[Bit? Not a bit? Who can say.]

She is good at multitasking. [especially when it comes to his suffering or getting pal's attention.

pal though, he gets a fond roll of his eyes as viktor pulls his omni up to scroll the post.]

Yes, such stunning reviews as 'what does that title even mean.'

I'm choosing to interpret those reviews as curiosity.

[See, so it's fine... He reaches over to put his hand on the omni and slooowly push it down, stop looking at that? Look, instead, at Palamedes, who leans in at the same time to snag another kiss, yet again rewarding Viktor for roasting him all the time. True love.]

Regardless: I still don't have a cover artist. At this rate, I'll be doing it myself.

I find your delusional positivity equally admirable and worrying.

[well, he wins, this is a much better use of viktor's time as it turns out. the omni gets put away for now even. he's made his point, because it was funny.]

Eh, put up an ad here if you get no one, maybe a native coming through will be interested. I still believe your squid drawings would do just fine.

The network wouldn't lie to me.

[Ha ha yes it would, but that just means he can interpret these confused replies however he wants!! Viktor gets one more kiss for his efforts at not making fun with receipts anymore, thanks dear husband, the regular roast is his preferred style.]

That's an idea. Some of our visitors are here often enough to be interested, I should think... You don't think the squids are at least a little misleading about the overall squid to human content ratio?

Of course, it's known for being reliable and impartial.

[and annoying in viktor's opinion, but this post has been pretty fun so he'll allow it. time to give serious thought to the question of squids though.]

It's metaphorical. For what I do not know, but you are the writer. I'm sure you'll figure it out. [the squids are a gay metaphor i guess.]

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video | un: warden (this post is about romance novels)

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