Text | un: carcinoGeneticist | Per Romance

[klawful]

AS SOME PERSONAL ADVICE, SINCE APPARENTLY THIS PLACE IS ABSOLUTELY *INFESTED* WITH HUMANS, I NEED TO INFORM THE MAJORITY OF YOU HOW HUMILIATINGLY SIMPLIFIED YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF ROMANCE IS.

LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND SEEING CONSTANT OBLIVIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY SOCIAL DYNAMICS MAKES ME WANT TO BE SHOT DIRECTLY INTO EVERY SUN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AT THE SAME TIME. I SWEAR HALF OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND IT WILL BE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO GODDAMN INCOMPETENT AT THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COLLECTIVE SPECIES MORE HELLBENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION BASED ON NEGLECTING THEIR OWN NATURAL FEELINGS.

I AM AWARE THAT I AM PROBABLY EXTENSIVELY INSULTING YOU NOW INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU. ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT BEFORE HALF OF YOU HAVE GLAZED OVER. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FUNCTIONING BRAIN CELLS, REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR IN AN EXTREMELY SHORT TEXT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

FIRST LESSON: YOU HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A *REASON*. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALL INSIST ON BURYING EVERY SINGLE NATURAL INSTINCT YOU HAVE LIKE IT'S A HOT PIECE OF SHIT OF SHAME YOU JUST SQUATTED OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

THE GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS: IF YOUR EMOTIONS FOCUS ON BETTERING YOURSELF, THEY ARE GOOD. IF THEY SERVE TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BETTERING THEMSELVES, THEY ARE BAD.

IN MY CULTURE, THE IDEAL ROMANCE INVOLVES BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS TO OTHERS. IN A PERFECT WORLD, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNERS AS MUCH AS THEY HELP YOU AND IT BECOMES THIS BEAUTIFUL SYMBIOTIC SITUATION WHERE EVERYONE CAN MUTUALLY BENEFIT FROM THEIR PERSONAL DYNAMICS.

WHICH LEADS ME TO THE SECOND LESSON: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY HUMANS HAVE THIS EXTREMELY NARROW, SPECIFIC IDEA OF ROMANCE. THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF WAYS TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO LOVE PEOPLE, SO WHY REFUSE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU FOCUS ON? WHY PUT ONE RELATIONSHIP ON A PEDESTAL AND LET ALL YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT? THAT ISN'T HEALTHY NO MATTER WHICH QUADRANT YOUR CULTURE IS OBSESSED WITH.

THIRD LESSON: WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. LEARN THEM AND BENEFIT FROM THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE SO FUCKING WELCOME AT HOW MUCH THEY WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND HOW MUCH SENSE THEY WILL MAKE TO YOUR VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:

MATESPRITSHIP: THE FLUSHED QUADRANT IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST THING TO "TRADITIONAL" HUMAN LOVE. THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO YOU HAVE STRONG POSITIVE EMOTIONS TOWARDS THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCES BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (NOT TO GET TOO NC-17 HERE). THIS IS YOUR MATESPRIT.

MOIRALLEGIANCE: THE PALE QUADRANT IS ALSO A POSITIVE DYNAMIC, HOWEVER, THIS RELATIONSHIP TYPICALLY FOCUSES ON BEING THERE TO PROVIDE ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TO YOUR PARTNER. IT INVOLVES BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEIR FLAWS, HELP THEM BE THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES, AND THEM TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. YOU CALM THEM DOWN WHEN THEY ARE WORKED UP, YOU KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. THIS IS YOUR MOIRAIL OR PALEMATE.

KISMESISSITUDE: THE BLACK QUADRANT IS RELIANT ON PURELY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HATRED AND ANIMOSITY YOU FEEL TOWARDS ANOTHER. THE KEY HERE IS THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY MUTUAL, WELL-BALANCED, HEALTHY HATRED. MEANING YOU ARE ACTUAL EQUALS IN TERMS OF STRENGTH OR INTELLECTUALITY OR SOMETHING. THE POINT IS *NOT* TO KILL OR DEFEAT YOUR KISMESIS, BUT TO CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE EACH OTHER INTO A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELVES THROUGH RIVALRY. ALSO YOU PROBABLY WANT TO FUCK THEM. SORRY. THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES. IT IS EXTREMELY COMMON WHERE I COME FROM FOR THE BLACK AND FLUSHED QUADRANTS TO CONTINUALLY SWITCH. THEY ARE AS EQUALLY ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELL-BEING SINCE THEY KEEP YOU ON YOUR FUCKING TOES AND RESPECT YOU IN WAYS THE OTHER QUADRANTS MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS QUITE TUMULTUOUS. AND IT CAN BE VERY UNHEALTHY IF THINGS ARE UNBALANCED BETWEEN THE TWO WHICH IS BASICALLY WHY WE HAVE...

AUSPISTICISM: THE ASHEN QUADRANT. THIS IS LESS OF A ROMANTIC QUADRANT BUT RATHER A DEALING OF ROMANCE. THIS IS A WILLING THIRD PARTY STEPPING IN TO WILLINGLY HELP FACILITATE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OTHERS. THIS IS CRUCIAL IN OUR SOCIETY TO ENSURE ALL OF YOUR PARTNERS AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY HEALTHY AND FUNCTIONING. THE AUSPISTICE IS NOT NECESSARILY ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED IN THE OTHER PARTIES, BUT IT ISN'T UNCOMMON TO SEE AN AUSPISTICE WHO IS LONGING FOR ONE OF THE PARTIES AND IS HOPING THE ASHEN QUADRANT MIGHT GIVE THEM A LEVERAGE TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

AND THAT IS THE SHORT AND SWEET VERSION OF IT. YES, IT IS WILDLY COMPLEX AND YES HEARTBREAK IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FROTHING AT THE BRIM IN OUR CULTURE. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RAMPANT PROBLEM THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SORT OUT WHAT QUADRANT FITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEST. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO FEEL AND IT IS FINE IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER WHO FITS ALL QUADRANTS BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THAT KIND OF THING SO YOU CAN BOTH BE ON THE SAME PAGE.

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BEING THE TOWN AUSPISTICE, BY THE WAY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT AS A RULE, I CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL AND IT IS SINCERE TORTURE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY IDIOTS ARE WALKING AROUND DENYING THEIR OWN FEELINGS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.

WHICH I HAVE ALREADY DONE SO MANY TIMES NOW.

BUT YES I WILL OPEN THE FLOOR TO GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PROBABLE ROMANTIC AWAKENINGS THIS POST WILL NO DOUBT AROUSE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU HAVE HAD A TOTAL HATE-BONER FOR SOMEONE FOR TEN YEARS AND ARE PROBABLY IN SOME KIND OF LOVE WITH THEM. IDIOT.

OKAY BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER SHORT ESSAY, I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW.

EDIT BY FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST @ 3:25 AM

WOW, I AM SO FUCKING INEPT AT THIS SOMEONE REVOKED MY FUCKING ROMANCE GURU CARD THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE.

I FORGOT THE CARDINAL LESSON FOR HUMANITY BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THIS WILD FUCKING OBSESSION WITH GENDER: YOU ARE NOT "BROKEN" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER KIND OF BRAINWASHING YOUR KIND HAS PUT YOU THROUGH...IF YOU LIKE THE SAME GENDER YOU IDENTIFY AS. HOLY FUCK. OR MULTIPLE GENDERS. OR NO GENDERS. ATTRACTION IS A GODDAMN SPECTRUM AND WE FEEL IT AS SUCH FOR A REASON. BECAUSE! IT'S! MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! IF YOU DON'T FEEl ATTRACTION LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT YOU NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. IF YOU'RE HORNED UP, IT'S FUCKING FINE AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER ABOUT IT. JEGUS.

OKAY NOW I'M DONE.

Comments

text; un: doublehedgedsword

[laminae]

uh wow dude
we had lots of different kinds of relationship in Ooo but all of this sounds crazy complicated
oh my Glob, i can barely handle dating one guy sometimes i don't know how anyone could do all of this

[Maybe someone who isn't emotionally volatile could? But that certainly isn't him.]

are there like just constant disasters going on all the time?

text

[klawful]

YOU CAN DO ALL OF IT WHEN YOU VALUE YOUR CONNECTIONS AND WANT THE BEST FOR WHO YOU CARE ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO WANT TO FEEL FULFILLED IN A VARIETY OF WAYS AND SOMETIMES YOU WANT DIFFERENT PEOPLE FOR THOSE FULFILLMENTS.

GRANTED, THERE ARE PLENTY OF TIMES WHERE YOU CAN FIND ONE INDIVIDUAL WHO SOMEHOW MANAGES TO MAKE YOU FEEL AS THOUGH ALL QUADRANTS HAVE BEEN FULFILLED. BUT THAT IS NOT COMMON.



YES, ABSOLUTELY. TROLL ROMANCE IS VERY CHAOTIC AND INVOLVED. IT REQUIRES AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND TRUST TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.

[laminae]

oh
i think i got one person who does all of that? and i try to do that for him
we don't actively try to kill each other though so we don't need anyone to mediate that
which i think is pretty good since my first thought when there's a problem is usually 'can i stab it'

uhhh i think i'd be really bad at it
trying to put all my feelings in boxes and categories and follow rules and junk
i'm better at going with my gut

[klawful]

MY OLD BOYFRIEND DID ALL OF THAT FOR ME TOO. BUT SOMETIMES IT IS OKAY TO RELY ON OTHERS TO HELP YOU THROUGH CERTAIN EMOTIONS THAT MAYBE YOUR MATESPRIT CANNOT ALWAYS PROVIDE.

I TOO HAVE THAT FIRST THOUGHT MOST DAYS. STABBING SOLVES UP TO AROUND 70% OF PROBLEMS, IN MY EXPERIENCE.

THERE AREN'T LIKE, STRICT SOCIAL RULES, BUT THERE IS A GENERAL SOCIAL ETIQUETTE TO THESE THINGS THAT RELIES ON JUST BEING OPEN ABOUT IT WITH YOUR PARTNER(S). GUT FEELINGS ARE A GOOD PLACE TO START.

ADMITTEDLY, THE SYSTEM ISN'T FOR EVERYONE, AND THAT IS OKAY. BUT I DO THINK IT IS GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO EXPERIENCE ROMANCE.

[laminae]

i don't think i'd be able to handle more than one person
makes me even more happy that i have him

then as a head's up that isn't how a lot of people around here operate

my gut is pretty messed up so i don't know if it's a good place to start
nothing wrong with telling people about other ways of relationships though

[klawful]

HONESTLY, I AM THE SAME WAY. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FULFILL ALL MY QUADRANTS, OBVIOUSLY, BUT USUALLY JUST WITH ONE INDIVIDUAL. I GET TOO HYPERFOCUSED ON WHO I LIKE TO NOTICE OTHERS.

WHAT, WITH THE STABBING THING?

YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU WHAT IT NEEDS TO TELL YOU. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR NATURAL INSTINCTS. WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S MESSED UP?

[laminae]

i get that
uh, is he here?

yup
a lot of Sleepers here aren't that violent
or like, there's a time and a place for it
and the time and place isn't usually any time or place
you get me?

iiiit's complicated dog
the gut part of me just isn't great
it's not like normal people's guts

[klawful]

NO, HE IS NOT. WE LIKELY GOT SPLIT APART BY SPACE AND TIME YET AGAIN. I AM NOW PROBABLY ANOTHER TIMELINE GONE ASTRAY. THERE IS PROBABLY SOME VERSION OF ME STILL FROLICKING AROUND SOMEWHERE WITH HIM.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A WORLD WHERE BEING VIOLENT IS BENEFICIAL AS HELL. I GET YOU. I AM GENERALLY NOT *THAT* UNHINGED TO NOT RECOGNIZE INAPPROPRIATE TIMES.

YOU SEEM SANE ENOUGH TO ME.

[laminae]

geez man i know what that's like and that would really suck
sorry dude

yeah, from what i've seen it is
but it sounds like you got a leg up here

hah thanks
i appreciate it

[klawful]

IT IS OKAY. WE HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH BULLSHIT TIMELINES FOR LONG ENOUGH NOW THAT YOU JUST GET USED TO IT.

MAYBE. IT DOESN'T SEEM TOO BAD HERE SO FAR. TOO MANY PEOPLE THOUGH.

[laminae]

seriously
i don't think i can ever get used to time shenanigans

it's a big city
the people here are better than Deerington
those jerks were the worst
people here are more chill with whoever and whatever you are

[klawful]

WE KIND OF HAD TO OR ELSE WE WERE JUST GOING TO BE SUPREMELY FUCKED.

YES, THE HUMANS HERE DO SEEM...DISTURBINGLY WELCOMING. LIKE, I KNOW I'M THEIR GOD, BUT I REALLY DON'T NEED THEM TREATING ME LIKE ONE.
WHY WERE THE PEOPLE IN DEERINGTON BAD?

[laminae]

ha ha i know what that's like

[Just time travel trauma no big deal.]

haha god? are you serious or are you just real full of yourself?

oh man they hated anyone who was the tiniest bit different from them
they HATED me because i like a boy and because i'm made of grass
it was like all kinds of offensive to them

[klawful]

NO, I REALLY DID CREATE A VERSION OF EARTH AND ALL THE HUMANS ON IT. MY FRIENDS AND I DID AFTER WE PLAYED THIS FUCKED UP VIDEO GAME. I'M PROBABLY NOT THE GOD OF THESE SPECIFIC HUMANS, BUT ONCE YOU'RE A GOD, IT NEVER REALLY LEAVES YOUR HEAD.

I ALSO LIKE TO TALK A BIG GAME BECAUSE IT IS, FRANKLY, HILARIOUS AS HELL.

THEY SOUND LIKE BIGOTED ASSHOLES. SO THE PLAGUE OF HOMOPHOBIA ROTTED THAT PLACE TOO. THEY WOULD SUPER FUCKING HATE ME THEN. IF ONLY WE WERE STILL THERE. I WOULD TERRORIZE THEM PERSONALLY FOR YOU AND MYSELF AND EVERYONE LIKE US.
I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO EXPERIENCE OPPRESSION. IT FUCKING SUCKS.

[laminae]

wait really?
i kind of did that once, but i don't really remember it and it wasn't because of a video game
it was a side effect of a wish and i'm definitely not a god

ok that's legit though, especially if you can back it up

[And it sounds like he can.]

aw thanks dude!! that means a lot
they were the wooorst
one time a bunch of them were trying to get rid of all the weeds in town instead of letting nature just do its thing
they were spraying weed killer everywhere it was real donked
i got sick because of it and there was this whole thing with my boyfriend and long story short he won a whole year of 'i told you so's it sucked

[klawful]

YEAH. MY LIFE HAS BASICALLY BEEN DOMINATED BY THIS VIDEO GAME FOR THE PAST
ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT IS IN HUMAN YEARS. ALMOST TEN MAYBE?
OH. YOU GOT INTO SOME BAD JUJU.

RIGHT??? THANK YOU, NON-IDIOT.

(That sounds sarcastic, but actually, he's being entirely sincere.)

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SUBJECTED TO THAT.
HUMANS ARE REALLY OBSESSED WITH LAWNRING PECULIARITIES, AREN'T THEY. I LIKE WEEDS. THEY ARE STURDY AS FUCK.
HAHAHAHA.

I MEAN THAT BLOWS FOR YOU, BUT I'M THE "TOLD YOU SO" BOYFRIEND AND THAT IS ALWAYS A PRIMO MOMENT. YOUR BOYFRIEND SOUNDS OF HIGH CALIBER.

[laminae]

i wanna ask if it was a good video game, but it sounds like it wasn't
yeah it was real bad jubies

ha ha no problem!! my name is fern by the way

[Fern being Fern, 'non-idiot' isn't that insulting to him.]

lawnring, that's a new one
but yeah, they were really obsessed with stuff looking perfect it was a pain
it's all plants in the end so why should anyone even care whether their lawn is grass or weeds it's all the same

ha ha yeah he really milked it for the entire year
on the last day he set up this whole elaborate trap through the entire house and all it did was light some sparklers and reveal the ugliest i told you so cake in the world
it was total dirtballs i was so freaking mad

[But then they made out so it was fine.]

he'd never agree but he really is

[klawful]

THERE WERE FUN PARTS. AND IT INTRODUCED ME TO MY OLD BOYFRIEND, SO THERE WERE OVERALL PERKS TO THE EXPERIENCE.

I AM KARKAT.

RIGHT. HUMANS CALL THEM YARDS I THINK.
IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, WEEDS PROMOTE HEALTHY ECOSYSTEMS FOR ALL THE ORGANISMS WITHIN. SEEMS LIKE A GENERALLY BENEFICIAL THING TO LET NATURE DO ITS THING.

OH MY GOD. HE SOUNDS AMAZING. HAHAHA. OH, MAN. HE GOT YOU. MILKING IT FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR IS ALMOST GENEROUS. I THINK I ONCE HELD SOMETHING OVER MY OLD BOYFRIEND'S HEAD FOR TWO. BOYFRIENDS ARE GREAT FOR SPITING.

YES, GOOD BOYFRIENDS TEND TO HAVE SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM FOR WHATEVER REASON. BUT I GUESS THAT IS WHY WE EXIST SO AS TO HELP AMPLIFY THEIR CONFIDENCE.

[laminae]

ok dang that makes it all worth it, then

cool nice to meet you dude

wow, really? i had no idea
i'm a plant but i've never really been a plant guy
trying to change that though

two?? geez i really got to work on my spiting game
i don't think i'll ever be able to beat him though
he's REALLY good at stuff like this

yeah that's it exactly!! whenever they're falling down we'll be there to help them back up :)