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Text | un: carcinoGeneticist | Per Romance

AS SOME PERSONAL ADVICE, SINCE APPARENTLY THIS PLACE IS ABSOLUTELY *INFESTED* WITH HUMANS, I NEED TO INFORM THE MAJORITY OF YOU HOW HUMILIATINGLY SIMPLIFIED YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF ROMANCE IS.

LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND SEEING CONSTANT OBLIVIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY SOCIAL DYNAMICS MAKES ME WANT TO BE SHOT DIRECTLY INTO EVERY SUN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AT THE SAME TIME. I SWEAR HALF OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND IT WILL BE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO GODDAMN INCOMPETENT AT THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COLLECTIVE SPECIES MORE HELLBENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION BASED ON NEGLECTING THEIR OWN NATURAL FEELINGS.

I AM AWARE THAT I AM PROBABLY EXTENSIVELY INSULTING YOU NOW INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU. ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT BEFORE HALF OF YOU HAVE GLAZED OVER. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FUNCTIONING BRAIN CELLS, REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR IN AN EXTREMELY SHORT TEXT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

FIRST LESSON: YOU HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A *REASON*. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALL INSIST ON BURYING EVERY SINGLE NATURAL INSTINCT YOU HAVE LIKE IT'S A HOT PIECE OF SHIT OF SHAME YOU JUST SQUATTED OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

THE GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS: IF YOUR EMOTIONS FOCUS ON BETTERING YOURSELF, THEY ARE GOOD. IF THEY SERVE TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BETTERING THEMSELVES, THEY ARE BAD.

IN MY CULTURE, THE IDEAL ROMANCE INVOLVES BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS TO OTHERS. IN A PERFECT WORLD, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNERS AS MUCH AS THEY HELP YOU AND IT BECOMES THIS BEAUTIFUL SYMBIOTIC SITUATION WHERE EVERYONE CAN MUTUALLY BENEFIT FROM THEIR PERSONAL DYNAMICS.

WHICH LEADS ME TO THE SECOND LESSON: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY HUMANS HAVE THIS EXTREMELY NARROW, SPECIFIC IDEA OF ROMANCE. THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF WAYS TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO LOVE PEOPLE, SO WHY REFUSE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU FOCUS ON? WHY PUT ONE RELATIONSHIP ON A PEDESTAL AND LET ALL YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT? THAT ISN'T HEALTHY NO MATTER WHICH QUADRANT YOUR CULTURE IS OBSESSED WITH.

THIRD LESSON: WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. LEARN THEM AND BENEFIT FROM THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE SO FUCKING WELCOME AT HOW MUCH THEY WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND HOW MUCH SENSE THEY WILL MAKE TO YOUR VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:

MATESPRITSHIP: THE FLUSHED QUADRANT IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST THING TO "TRADITIONAL" HUMAN LOVE. THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO YOU HAVE STRONG POSITIVE EMOTIONS TOWARDS THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCES BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (NOT TO GET TOO NC-17 HERE). THIS IS YOUR MATESPRIT.

MOIRALLEGIANCE: THE PALE QUADRANT IS ALSO A POSITIVE DYNAMIC, HOWEVER, THIS RELATIONSHIP TYPICALLY FOCUSES ON BEING THERE TO PROVIDE ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TO YOUR PARTNER. IT INVOLVES BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEIR FLAWS, HELP THEM BE THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES, AND THEM TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. YOU CALM THEM DOWN WHEN THEY ARE WORKED UP, YOU KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. THIS IS YOUR MOIRAIL OR PALEMATE.

KISMESISSITUDE: THE BLACK QUADRANT IS RELIANT ON PURELY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HATRED AND ANIMOSITY YOU FEEL TOWARDS ANOTHER. THE KEY HERE IS THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY MUTUAL, WELL-BALANCED, HEALTHY HATRED. MEANING YOU ARE ACTUAL EQUALS IN TERMS OF STRENGTH OR INTELLECTUALITY OR SOMETHING. THE POINT IS *NOT* TO KILL OR DEFEAT YOUR KISMESIS, BUT TO CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE EACH OTHER INTO A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELVES THROUGH RIVALRY. ALSO YOU PROBABLY WANT TO FUCK THEM. SORRY. THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES. IT IS EXTREMELY COMMON WHERE I COME FROM FOR THE BLACK AND FLUSHED QUADRANTS TO CONTINUALLY SWITCH. THEY ARE AS EQUALLY ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELL-BEING SINCE THEY KEEP YOU ON YOUR FUCKING TOES AND RESPECT YOU IN WAYS THE OTHER QUADRANTS MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS QUITE TUMULTUOUS. AND IT CAN BE VERY UNHEALTHY IF THINGS ARE UNBALANCED BETWEEN THE TWO WHICH IS BASICALLY WHY WE HAVE...

AUSPISTICISM: THE ASHEN QUADRANT. THIS IS LESS OF A ROMANTIC QUADRANT BUT RATHER A DEALING OF ROMANCE. THIS IS A WILLING THIRD PARTY STEPPING IN TO WILLINGLY HELP FACILITATE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OTHERS. THIS IS CRUCIAL IN OUR SOCIETY TO ENSURE ALL OF YOUR PARTNERS AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY HEALTHY AND FUNCTIONING. THE AUSPISTICE IS NOT NECESSARILY ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED IN THE OTHER PARTIES, BUT IT ISN'T UNCOMMON TO SEE AN AUSPISTICE WHO IS LONGING FOR ONE OF THE PARTIES AND IS HOPING THE ASHEN QUADRANT MIGHT GIVE THEM A LEVERAGE TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

AND THAT IS THE SHORT AND SWEET VERSION OF IT. YES, IT IS WILDLY COMPLEX AND YES HEARTBREAK IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FROTHING AT THE BRIM IN OUR CULTURE. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RAMPANT PROBLEM THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SORT OUT WHAT QUADRANT FITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEST. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO FEEL AND IT IS FINE IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER WHO FITS ALL QUADRANTS BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THAT KIND OF THING SO YOU CAN BOTH BE ON THE SAME PAGE.

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BEING THE TOWN AUSPISTICE, BY THE WAY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT AS A RULE, I CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL AND IT IS SINCERE TORTURE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY IDIOTS ARE WALKING AROUND DENYING THEIR OWN FEELINGS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.

WHICH I HAVE ALREADY DONE SO MANY TIMES NOW.

BUT YES I WILL OPEN THE FLOOR TO GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PROBABLE ROMANTIC AWAKENINGS THIS POST WILL NO DOUBT AROUSE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU HAVE HAD A TOTAL HATE-BONER FOR SOMEONE FOR TEN YEARS AND ARE PROBABLY IN SOME KIND OF LOVE WITH THEM. IDIOT.

OKAY BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER SHORT ESSAY, I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW.

EDIT BY FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST @ 3:25 AM

WOW, I AM SO FUCKING INEPT AT THIS SOMEONE REVOKED MY FUCKING ROMANCE GURU CARD THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE.

I FORGOT THE CARDINAL LESSON FOR HUMANITY BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THIS WILD FUCKING OBSESSION WITH GENDER: YOU ARE NOT "BROKEN" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER KIND OF BRAINWASHING YOUR KIND HAS PUT YOU THROUGH...IF YOU LIKE THE SAME GENDER YOU IDENTIFY AS. HOLY FUCK. OR MULTIPLE GENDERS. OR NO GENDERS. ATTRACTION IS A GODDAMN SPECTRUM AND WE FEEL IT AS SUCH FOR A REASON. BECAUSE! IT'S! MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! IF YOU DON'T FEEl ATTRACTION LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT YOU NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. IF YOU'RE HORNED UP, IT'S FUCKING FINE AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER ABOUT IT. JEGUS.

OKAY NOW I'M DONE.

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well, nobody succeeds ALL the time.

thank you let us never speak of it again.

no offense taken.

i mean it's not generally considered healthy for humans but
yeah.
yeah i think i would. it's so goddamn nice to be able to fight with someone you know? in that particular way i mean.

THAT IS TRUE. BUT IT IS A DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP ROLE TO FULFILL. IT'S A VERY SELFLESS THING AND THERE IS LITTLE TO BENEFIT FOR YOURSELF BEYOND JUST BEING A GOOD FRIEND, BASICALLY.

CONSIDER IT FORGOTTEN.

OH YES, I KNOW. IT IS VERY NICE TO FIGHT WITH YOU LIKE THAT. I MEAN NOT LIKE THAT. BUT. YOU KNOW. LIKE IN THE SENSE OF IT'S A GOOD FIGHT. I WILL SHUT UP NOW.

but it's one of the most important, right? so you don't kill each other. like literally.

i like fighting with you a lot.
you think we'd actually be good at that?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. HUMANS SEEM LIKE THEY WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT. A LOT OF YOUR KIND ARE VERY SNOOPY WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWING ABOUT EACH OTHER'S RELATIONSHIPS.

IT IS A VERY INVIGORATING EXPERIENCE AND I WILL FULLY ADMIT IT HAS ABSOLUTELY GIVEN ME SOME SORT OF FEELING. I CAN'T SAY I HATE YOU AT ALL, REALLY, BUT YOU DO INSPIRE A VERY SPECIFIC KIND OF AGGRESSION THAT IS

NICE TO FEEL.

god yes, humans LOVE to meddle. my old kismesis would occasionally hey it into his head to meddle in people's love lives, but i'm pretty sure it was always for selfish reasons.

i don't hate you either. not at all. but i like that we can yell and even physically attack each other. it's some kind of feeling, yeah. a good one.

I DON'T KNOW THE GUY BUT FROM WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME, THAT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD TRACK WITH THE BASTARD.

IT IS A VERY HONEST FEELING LIKE NEITHER OF US HAS ANY REASON TO HOLD BACK OUR TRUE SELVES AROUND EACH OTHER. EVEN THE WORST PARTS. IT DOES KIND OF FEEL LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP VACILLATES SOMETIMES. WHICH ISN'T A BAD THING.

yeah he was weird as shit. i'll tell you stories some day.

yes! yes that exactly. it's so effortless it's a little disconcerting.
that's ok if it does that? i remember you saying sometimes like, a palemate gets flushed for the other party and that can mess stuff up. the human equivalent of falling for your best friend, i guess.

(Oh man, he's so glad this is being done over text.)

DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM EVEN HERE?

DOES IT MAKE YOU NERVOUS THAT IT'S SO EASY?

I MEAN. IT CAN BE OKAY. IT'S NOT EXACTLY TRADITIONAL AND CAN BE COMPLICATED AND RAISES THE STAKES OF ACCIDENTALLY HURTING SOMEONE ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NOT ON THE SAME QUADRANT PAGE AS YOU ARE. HAVING A FLUSHED CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOU'RE PALE WITH CAN CREATE SOME SERIOUS TENSION IF THAT'S NOT MUTUAL. SO, YEAH, IT BASICALLY IS THAT.

i honestly don't know. i haven't seen him in like 5 years. are you worried?

no. no, it makes me feel happy.

yeah. ok, yeah. so if it's not mutual it gets difficult. makes sense.

so. we don't have to stop fighting, right? because that would suck. you've only bitten me once.

WHAT. NO! I AM TOTALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO RESPECT YOUR PRIOR RELATIONSHIPS. I WAS JUST CURIOUS.

(He was totally not mature enough for that, but he likes to try anyway.)

ME TOO.

YEAH. BECAUSE THEN THERE ARE LIKE, DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS AND YOU COULD INADVERTENTLY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A CERTAIN RELATIONSHIP TO TRY AND USE IT AS A STEPPING STONE TO ANOTHER. I MEAN IF IT JUST HAPPENS NATURALLY AND YOU'RE NOT A DICK ABOUT IT, THEN IT'S NOT THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. TROLLS ARE JUST KIND OF MASSIVE SHITSTAINS ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS SOMETIMES. I CAN'T EVEN DENY IT.

NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO STOP FIGHTING.

(He's Going to Die Immediately.)

SEE. THAT'S LIKE. EXTREMELY SPECIFIC BLACK FLIRTING AND IT IS VERY EFFECTIVE. I'M JUST SAYING.
IT'S VERY SALACIOUS. LIKE OH MY GOD.

(Dying.)

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT IT WOULD SUCK. I COULD BITE YOU WAY MORE. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF UNTOUCHED FLESHY REAL ESTATE.

ok because you shouldn't be worried. this is different. what we had was never discussed.

humans are also massive shitstains, dude. i think that transcends species.

is it salacious that you bit me or that i brought it up just now?

yeah i have this long noodle body is what you called it, i think. tons of fleshy real estate.

OKAY. IF YOU SAY I SHOULDN'T BE WORRIED, THEN I WON'T BE WORRIED. I TRUST YOU.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. EMOTIONS MAKE FOR A LOT OF FLAWED BEINGS. GRANTED, I WOULD RATHER HAVE THAT THAN BE TOTALLY VOID OF ANYTHING. IT IS SOMETIMES WORTH THE MESS.

UH.

WELL, BOTH. PROBABLY MORE THAT I BIT YOU. THAT IS NOT AN ESPECIALLY PALE THING OF ME TO DO. DID IT LEAVE A LASTING MARK?

good.

me too. i can't imagine how empty life would be if i never felt anything.

well i don't think it's going to scar but yeah there's still a mark right now.
sooo
i'm ok with it, you know. like i know it's a little not pale but if it doesn't bug you it doesn't bug me. like at all. it's

ah shit ok fine look it is a bit salacious and it's nice but if it's going to like, hurt you i won't encourage it.

I HAD ONE FRIEND WHO WHEN SHE DIED AND CAME BACK AS A GHOST, SHE WAS EXTREMELY VOID OF HER EMOTIONS. IT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY SAD. SHE WAS CLEARLY TORMENTED BY IT, BUT ALSO WAS INCAPABLE OF FEELING TORMENTED BY IT. IT WAS WEIRD.

OH.

(Karkat, don't be disappointed by that!)

IT WON'T HURT ME. I AM ACTUALLY VERY DOWN WITH IT. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS WEIRD. I FEEL LIKE THE KISMESIS RELATIONSHIP IS THE HARDEST FOR HUMANS TO UNDERSTAND AND I GUESS I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL OVERWHELMED OR LIKE YOU MUST ACCOMMODATE ALL MY RELATIONSHIP NORMS JUST TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.

oh my god that sounds horrible. did she stay a ghost forever?

are you upset it didn't scar? guess you just didn't do it hard enough. :P

no no i don't feel overwhelmed. if anything i thought maybe i was the one being too demanding of your emotions. i thought maybe i was just being too human.

OH FUCK THAT SURE IS A COMPLICATED QUESTION. SHORT ANSWER: YES. LONG ANSWER INVOLVES A LOT OF GAME BULLSHIT AND A FROG AND A ROBOT.

NO.

I MEAN.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL IF IT SCARRED BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE LIKE WOW, I WAS HERE. I DID THAT THING. TO YOU SPECIFICALLY. I DIDN'T WANT TO BLEED YOU OUT! I CAN BITE VERY HARD. OBVIOUSLY.

NO. OH GLOB.

NO, OKAY LISTEN. I REALLY LIKE THAT YOU'RE A HUMAN AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SHY AWAY FROM WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU NATURALLY FEEL. IF I DIDN'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN THE COMPLICATED WONDERFUL MESS THAT IS A HUMAN, THEN I WOULDN'T BE. I LIKE YOUR HUMAN QUIRKS THEY ARE DEEPLY CHARMING.

I AM JUST LIKE. HORRIFICALLY SHY ABOUT THIS STUFF SOMETIMES AND MY THINK PAN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GOES INTO OVERDRIVE. IT'S A ME THING. I'M VERY EMOTIONAL.

okaaaaaaaay
well. i feel badly for her, then.

i mean it might scar it's hard to say yet. or maybe some other bite will.

i think your troll quirks are also deeply charming.

dude it's ok so am i. i've only had one boyfriend ever and it wasn't for super long and we weren't great at talking to be honest. he was very uhmmm not good at emotions. like at all. he'd rather just not talk about things, just do them instead.

not that i'm saying you have to be my boyfriend. just my like
what are we? kismoirails?

(Give him a second, bro. He has to have an absolute mental breakdown for a few seconds.)

(HOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.)

(Kyle didn't want to be his boyfriend but he wanted to be something?? Maybe? Oh, God.

Karkat doesn't even have the thought capacity to think to ask for clarity because he's a GIANT FUCKING IDIOT.)

(Okay, Karkat. Get your shit together.

He proceeds to lose his shit for another minute.

But eventually:)

YES. THAT IS FINE. WE CAN DO THAT. SORRY. I WAS DYING. NOT LITERALLY. JUST EMOTIONALLY. NOT IN A BAD WAY.

WELL. YOU AND I CAN ALWAYS TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS. IT IS A VERY HEALTHY THING TO DO EVEN IF IT IS DIFFICULT SOMETIMES.

[Kyle, waiting for a reply, thinks he's made a colossal mistake. He shouldn't have said boyfriend. Oh, god, Karkat is probably running for the hills now. Stupid. So fucking stupid.]

oh god i'm sorry i said something dumb didn't i? i wasn't trying to put pressure on you or force you into an uncomfortable quadrant. i just thought i dunno we are moirails but i thought like you were into the salacious stuff so maybe i dunno did i misunderstand?

good. good i like that. i really like that.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. SORRY. YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. I'VE JUST NEVER ACTUALLY HAD ANYONE FORMALLY ASK ME TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO THEM. NORMALLY I'M THE ONE FRETTING AROUND WITH FORMALITIES. I AM JUST A WILDLY RESPONSIVE DUMBASS AND HAD TO GO SCREAM ABOUT IT INTO THE VOID FOR A FEW SECONDS.

I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM A WALKING EMBARRASSMENT SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SIGNING UP FOR.

OH MY GOD. NO. YOU DIDN'T MISUNDERSTAND. I'M JUST DYING LIKE. I'M NOT A PRUDE BUT I AM KIND OF A PRUDE. BUT TO MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT SORT OF THING IS APPEALING TO ME IF IT INVOLVES YOU.

IF THAT FEELING ISN'T MUTUAL THEN PLEASE FORGET I EVER SAID THAT SENTENCE. THANKS.

I REALLY LIKE THAT TOO. I MEAN. IN GENERAL, I REALLY LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP. IT IS GOOD.

[Hey it could just be bros being bros!! Bros who cuddle constantly and sometimes punch each other.]

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Not here not here not here not watching all of this glob damnit

Not here not here not here