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Text | un: carcinoGeneticist | Per Romance
AS SOME PERSONAL ADVICE, SINCE APPARENTLY THIS PLACE IS ABSOLUTELY *INFESTED* WITH HUMANS, I NEED TO INFORM THE MAJORITY OF YOU HOW HUMILIATINGLY SIMPLIFIED YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF ROMANCE IS.
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND SEEING CONSTANT OBLIVIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY SOCIAL DYNAMICS MAKES ME WANT TO BE SHOT DIRECTLY INTO EVERY SUN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AT THE SAME TIME. I SWEAR HALF OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND IT WILL BE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO GODDAMN INCOMPETENT AT THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COLLECTIVE SPECIES MORE HELLBENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION BASED ON NEGLECTING THEIR OWN NATURAL FEELINGS.
I AM AWARE THAT I AM PROBABLY EXTENSIVELY INSULTING YOU NOW INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU. ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT BEFORE HALF OF YOU HAVE GLAZED OVER. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FUNCTIONING BRAIN CELLS, REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR IN AN EXTREMELY SHORT TEXT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.
FIRST LESSON: YOU HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A *REASON*. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALL INSIST ON BURYING EVERY SINGLE NATURAL INSTINCT YOU HAVE LIKE IT'S A HOT PIECE OF SHIT OF SHAME YOU JUST SQUATTED OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
THE GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS: IF YOUR EMOTIONS FOCUS ON BETTERING YOURSELF, THEY ARE GOOD. IF THEY SERVE TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BETTERING THEMSELVES, THEY ARE BAD.
IN MY CULTURE, THE IDEAL ROMANCE INVOLVES BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS TO OTHERS. IN A PERFECT WORLD, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNERS AS MUCH AS THEY HELP YOU AND IT BECOMES THIS BEAUTIFUL SYMBIOTIC SITUATION WHERE EVERYONE CAN MUTUALLY BENEFIT FROM THEIR PERSONAL DYNAMICS.
WHICH LEADS ME TO THE SECOND LESSON: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY HUMANS HAVE THIS EXTREMELY NARROW, SPECIFIC IDEA OF ROMANCE. THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF WAYS TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO LOVE PEOPLE, SO WHY REFUSE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU FOCUS ON? WHY PUT ONE RELATIONSHIP ON A PEDESTAL AND LET ALL YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT? THAT ISN'T HEALTHY NO MATTER WHICH QUADRANT YOUR CULTURE IS OBSESSED WITH.
THIRD LESSON: WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. LEARN THEM AND BENEFIT FROM THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE SO FUCKING WELCOME AT HOW MUCH THEY WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND HOW MUCH SENSE THEY WILL MAKE TO YOUR VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:
AND THAT IS THE SHORT AND SWEET VERSION OF IT. YES, IT IS WILDLY COMPLEX AND YES HEARTBREAK IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FROTHING AT THE BRIM IN OUR CULTURE. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RAMPANT PROBLEM THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SORT OUT WHAT QUADRANT FITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEST. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO FEEL AND IT IS FINE IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER WHO FITS ALL QUADRANTS BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THAT KIND OF THING SO YOU CAN BOTH BE ON THE SAME PAGE.
I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BEING THE TOWN AUSPISTICE, BY THE WAY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT AS A RULE, I CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL AND IT IS SINCERE TORTURE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY IDIOTS ARE WALKING AROUND DENYING THEIR OWN FEELINGS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.
WHICH I HAVE ALREADY DONE SO MANY TIMES NOW.
BUT YES I WILL OPEN THE FLOOR TO GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PROBABLE ROMANTIC AWAKENINGS THIS POST WILL NO DOUBT AROUSE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU HAVE HAD A TOTAL HATE-BONER FOR SOMEONE FOR TEN YEARS AND ARE PROBABLY IN SOME KIND OF LOVE WITH THEM. IDIOT.
OKAY BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER SHORT ESSAY, I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW.
EDIT BY FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST @ 3:25 AM
WOW, I AM SO FUCKING INEPT AT THIS SOMEONE REVOKED MY FUCKING ROMANCE GURU CARD THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE.
I FORGOT THE CARDINAL LESSON FOR HUMANITY BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THIS WILD FUCKING OBSESSION WITH GENDER: YOU ARE NOT "BROKEN" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER KIND OF BRAINWASHING YOUR KIND HAS PUT YOU THROUGH...IF YOU LIKE THE SAME GENDER YOU IDENTIFY AS. HOLY FUCK. OR MULTIPLE GENDERS. OR NO GENDERS. ATTRACTION IS A GODDAMN SPECTRUM AND WE FEEL IT AS SUCH FOR A REASON. BECAUSE! IT'S! MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! IF YOU DON'T FEEl ATTRACTION LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT YOU NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. IF YOU'RE HORNED UP, IT'S FUCKING FINE AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER ABOUT IT. JEGUS.
OKAY NOW I'M DONE.
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND SEEING CONSTANT OBLIVIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY SOCIAL DYNAMICS MAKES ME WANT TO BE SHOT DIRECTLY INTO EVERY SUN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AT THE SAME TIME. I SWEAR HALF OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND IT WILL BE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO GODDAMN INCOMPETENT AT THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COLLECTIVE SPECIES MORE HELLBENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION BASED ON NEGLECTING THEIR OWN NATURAL FEELINGS.
I AM AWARE THAT I AM PROBABLY EXTENSIVELY INSULTING YOU NOW INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU. ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT BEFORE HALF OF YOU HAVE GLAZED OVER. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FUNCTIONING BRAIN CELLS, REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR IN AN EXTREMELY SHORT TEXT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.
FIRST LESSON: YOU HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A *REASON*. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALL INSIST ON BURYING EVERY SINGLE NATURAL INSTINCT YOU HAVE LIKE IT'S A HOT PIECE OF SHIT OF SHAME YOU JUST SQUATTED OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
THE GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS: IF YOUR EMOTIONS FOCUS ON BETTERING YOURSELF, THEY ARE GOOD. IF THEY SERVE TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BETTERING THEMSELVES, THEY ARE BAD.
IN MY CULTURE, THE IDEAL ROMANCE INVOLVES BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS TO OTHERS. IN A PERFECT WORLD, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNERS AS MUCH AS THEY HELP YOU AND IT BECOMES THIS BEAUTIFUL SYMBIOTIC SITUATION WHERE EVERYONE CAN MUTUALLY BENEFIT FROM THEIR PERSONAL DYNAMICS.
WHICH LEADS ME TO THE SECOND LESSON: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY HUMANS HAVE THIS EXTREMELY NARROW, SPECIFIC IDEA OF ROMANCE. THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF WAYS TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO LOVE PEOPLE, SO WHY REFUSE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU FOCUS ON? WHY PUT ONE RELATIONSHIP ON A PEDESTAL AND LET ALL YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT? THAT ISN'T HEALTHY NO MATTER WHICH QUADRANT YOUR CULTURE IS OBSESSED WITH.
THIRD LESSON: WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. LEARN THEM AND BENEFIT FROM THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE SO FUCKING WELCOME AT HOW MUCH THEY WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND HOW MUCH SENSE THEY WILL MAKE TO YOUR VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:
MATESPRITSHIP: THE FLUSHED QUADRANT IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST THING TO "TRADITIONAL" HUMAN LOVE. THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO YOU HAVE STRONG POSITIVE EMOTIONS TOWARDS THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCES BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (NOT TO GET TOO NC-17 HERE). THIS IS YOUR MATESPRIT.
MOIRALLEGIANCE: THE PALE QUADRANT IS ALSO A POSITIVE DYNAMIC, HOWEVER, THIS RELATIONSHIP TYPICALLY FOCUSES ON BEING THERE TO PROVIDE ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TO YOUR PARTNER. IT INVOLVES BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEIR FLAWS, HELP THEM BE THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES, AND THEM TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. YOU CALM THEM DOWN WHEN THEY ARE WORKED UP, YOU KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. THIS IS YOUR MOIRAIL OR PALEMATE.
KISMESISSITUDE: THE BLACK QUADRANT IS RELIANT ON PURELY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HATRED AND ANIMOSITY YOU FEEL TOWARDS ANOTHER. THE KEY HERE IS THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY MUTUAL, WELL-BALANCED, HEALTHY HATRED. MEANING YOU ARE ACTUAL EQUALS IN TERMS OF STRENGTH OR INTELLECTUALITY OR SOMETHING. THE POINT IS *NOT* TO KILL OR DEFEAT YOUR KISMESIS, BUT TO CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE EACH OTHER INTO A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELVES THROUGH RIVALRY. ALSO YOU PROBABLY WANT TO FUCK THEM. SORRY. THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES. IT IS EXTREMELY COMMON WHERE I COME FROM FOR THE BLACK AND FLUSHED QUADRANTS TO CONTINUALLY SWITCH. THEY ARE AS EQUALLY ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELL-BEING SINCE THEY KEEP YOU ON YOUR FUCKING TOES AND RESPECT YOU IN WAYS THE OTHER QUADRANTS MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS QUITE TUMULTUOUS. AND IT CAN BE VERY UNHEALTHY IF THINGS ARE UNBALANCED BETWEEN THE TWO WHICH IS BASICALLY WHY WE HAVE...
AUSPISTICISM: THE ASHEN QUADRANT. THIS IS LESS OF A ROMANTIC QUADRANT BUT RATHER A DEALING OF ROMANCE. THIS IS A WILLING THIRD PARTY STEPPING IN TO WILLINGLY HELP FACILITATE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OTHERS. THIS IS CRUCIAL IN OUR SOCIETY TO ENSURE ALL OF YOUR PARTNERS AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY HEALTHY AND FUNCTIONING. THE AUSPISTICE IS NOT NECESSARILY ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED IN THE OTHER PARTIES, BUT IT ISN'T UNCOMMON TO SEE AN AUSPISTICE WHO IS LONGING FOR ONE OF THE PARTIES AND IS HOPING THE ASHEN QUADRANT MIGHT GIVE THEM A LEVERAGE TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.
AND THAT IS THE SHORT AND SWEET VERSION OF IT. YES, IT IS WILDLY COMPLEX AND YES HEARTBREAK IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FROTHING AT THE BRIM IN OUR CULTURE. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RAMPANT PROBLEM THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SORT OUT WHAT QUADRANT FITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEST. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO FEEL AND IT IS FINE IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER WHO FITS ALL QUADRANTS BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THAT KIND OF THING SO YOU CAN BOTH BE ON THE SAME PAGE.
I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BEING THE TOWN AUSPISTICE, BY THE WAY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT AS A RULE, I CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL AND IT IS SINCERE TORTURE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY IDIOTS ARE WALKING AROUND DENYING THEIR OWN FEELINGS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.
WHICH I HAVE ALREADY DONE SO MANY TIMES NOW.
BUT YES I WILL OPEN THE FLOOR TO GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PROBABLE ROMANTIC AWAKENINGS THIS POST WILL NO DOUBT AROUSE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU HAVE HAD A TOTAL HATE-BONER FOR SOMEONE FOR TEN YEARS AND ARE PROBABLY IN SOME KIND OF LOVE WITH THEM. IDIOT.
OKAY BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER SHORT ESSAY, I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW.
EDIT BY FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST @ 3:25 AM
WOW, I AM SO FUCKING INEPT AT THIS SOMEONE REVOKED MY FUCKING ROMANCE GURU CARD THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE.
I FORGOT THE CARDINAL LESSON FOR HUMANITY BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THIS WILD FUCKING OBSESSION WITH GENDER: YOU ARE NOT "BROKEN" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER KIND OF BRAINWASHING YOUR KIND HAS PUT YOU THROUGH...IF YOU LIKE THE SAME GENDER YOU IDENTIFY AS. HOLY FUCK. OR MULTIPLE GENDERS. OR NO GENDERS. ATTRACTION IS A GODDAMN SPECTRUM AND WE FEEL IT AS SUCH FOR A REASON. BECAUSE! IT'S! MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! IF YOU DON'T FEEl ATTRACTION LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT YOU NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. IF YOU'RE HORNED UP, IT'S FUCKING FINE AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER ABOUT IT. JEGUS.
OKAY NOW I'M DONE.
no subject
YEAH, THAT IS LITERALLY HOW I MET HUMANS. I MADE THEIR UNIVERSE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY FUCKED IT UP THEN WE HAD TO PLAY SOME GIANT DUMB HIGH-STAKES COSMOS GAME. HOW DID YOU MEET THE SOFT PLEBS?
no subject
[And - oh, this guy clearly doesn't have that common human cultural context about demons. Well. Hm.]
Oh, well.
They were dead and it was my job to torture them for all of eternity.
This was my first time designing and managing the entire project, which is how I had the latitude to screw it up that spectacularly.
no subject
OH.
FUCK.
WOW.
I AM SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW. THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT I WAS DOING OR TRYING TO DO WITH THE BATCH OF HUMANS I KNEW. I WAS ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM FOR AGES. IT WAS THE BEST TIME EVER.
HEY MAN. IT'S OKAY. MANAGING HUMANS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND A HALF. I FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH HUMANS IS USUALLY DESTINED FOR SOME KIND OF FAILURE.
no subject
Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about it anymore. I was being an asshole.
I mean, some of it was kinda funny.
But Eleanor's basically my human twin, it's no surprise she always ruined my plans.
They're easily underestimated by other species. Always comes back to bite you.
Why were you doing it, just a hobby? [Like, no real judgement there, it was sort of a passion project for him.]
no subject
THERE IS ALWAYS ONE OF THOSE. THEY CAN BE WILDLY INTUITIVE. DON'T TELL ANY OF THEM I SAID THAT BUT YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY ARE EASILY UNDERESTIMATED. THEIR DRIVE TO SURVIVE AND SELF-IMPROVE IS IMPRESSIVE.
UGH NO. I DIDN'T REALLY EVEN PLAN IT. MY FRIENDS AND I ARE FROM ANOTHER PLANET AND WE FOUND THIS GAME FROM THESE RUNES AND STUPIDLY DECIDED TO PLAY IT. IT CAUSED THE END OF OUR WORLD, WHICH, NO BIG FUCKING LOSS THERE, BUT THEN WHEN WE WON OUR GAME, WE WERE BASICALLY AWARDED BY GETTING TO MAKE A BRAND NEW WORLD. THUSLY; EARTH WAS CREATED. BUT WE DIDN'T EXACTLY GET TO PLAN ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT IT.
THERE'S A BUNCH OF TIMELINE BULLSHIT INVOLVED AND WE WATCHED OUR HUMAN COMPANIONS GROW UP, KIND OF, IN THESE WEIRD TIME SHENANIGANS, AND STARTED TO TROLL THEM AS THEY STARTED TO PLAY THEIR WORLD'S VARIATION OF THE SAME GAME WE PLAYED. THEN WE WOUND UP WORKING TOGETHER AND BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH YOU GET IT.
(Does he though???)
SO, IT WASN'T REALLY JUST A HOBBY. IT WAS MOSTLY JUST ME BEING AN ASSHOLE AND NOT REALLY KNOWING HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE SENTIENT CREATURES I WAS SUDDENLY RESPONSIBLE FOR.
no subject
Wow. Your whole thing is actually more ridiculous than mine.
[Like, Michael's weird fucked-up afterlife usually wigs people out. But that's just a whole lot of nonsense right there.]
Not too different at the end of the day, though.
We didn't end up in charge of the human afterlife because we were qualified.
They just started showing up one day.
Half of us weren't interested in taking care of them, and the other half turned out to be very bad at it.
no subject
WE DEFINITELY WERE NOT QUALIFIED EITHER. I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT UNDERQUALIFIED PEOPLE BEING PUT INTO POSITIONS OF EXTREME AUTHORITY AND CONTROL IS A UNIVERSAL CONSTANT AT LEAST.
I HAVE TO BE HONEST IN THAT I WAS ROMANTICALLY INVESTED IN SOME OF THE HUMANS WHICH PROBABLY INFLUENCED MY DECISION TO INCESSANTLY BOTHER THEM AND THEIR COMPANIONS. BUT THAT'S WHAT IDIOT CHILDREN DO. TUG THE PROVERBIAL PIGTAILS. OR IN THIS CASE, TRY TO TERRORIZE SOMEONE EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF THEIR LIFE.
YOUNG LOVE IS SO FUNNY LIKE THAT.
WE WERE ALL VERY BAD AT IT. SO AT LEAST YOU HAD A HALF THAT WAS PASSABLE.
no subject
They just liked acting like they were good people.
[Really, Michael could have forgiven a lot from the angels. He can't exactly be angry about how poorly they handled the humans under their care. Just look at what he'd been doing! They were ignorant to the point of being deliberately obtuse, but at least they weren't trying to be cruel.
But then there's all the humans who weren't in the Good Place. They had to have known they weren't getting new folks anymore. They didn't do anything; they didn't even help when Michael brought it to court himself. Weren't they supposed to be the ones who cared? It was their duty, not his. He doesn't resent doing it, but he resents the fact that no one else ever would've.]
Oh. Yeah, my friend Janet ended up marrying one of them.
Many times in many different reboots.
Guess that happens too.
[Also, this is how you relate to alloromantics, right]