Text | un: carcinoGeneticist | Per Romance

[klawful]

AS SOME PERSONAL ADVICE, SINCE APPARENTLY THIS PLACE IS ABSOLUTELY *INFESTED* WITH HUMANS, I NEED TO INFORM THE MAJORITY OF YOU HOW HUMILIATINGLY SIMPLIFIED YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF ROMANCE IS.

LIKE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND SEEING CONSTANT OBLIVIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY SOCIAL DYNAMICS MAKES ME WANT TO BE SHOT DIRECTLY INTO EVERY SUN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED AT THE SAME TIME. I SWEAR HALF OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND IT WILL BE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO GODDAMN INCOMPETENT AT THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COLLECTIVE SPECIES MORE HELLBENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION BASED ON NEGLECTING THEIR OWN NATURAL FEELINGS.

I AM AWARE THAT I AM PROBABLY EXTENSIVELY INSULTING YOU NOW INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU. ALL RIGHT, I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT BEFORE HALF OF YOU HAVE GLAZED OVER. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FUNCTIONING BRAIN CELLS, REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR IN AN EXTREMELY SHORT TEXT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

FIRST LESSON: YOU HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A *REASON*. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALL INSIST ON BURYING EVERY SINGLE NATURAL INSTINCT YOU HAVE LIKE IT'S A HOT PIECE OF SHIT OF SHAME YOU JUST SQUATTED OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

THE GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS: IF YOUR EMOTIONS FOCUS ON BETTERING YOURSELF, THEY ARE GOOD. IF THEY SERVE TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BETTERING THEMSELVES, THEY ARE BAD.

IN MY CULTURE, THE IDEAL ROMANCE INVOLVES BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS TO OTHERS. IN A PERFECT WORLD, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNERS AS MUCH AS THEY HELP YOU AND IT BECOMES THIS BEAUTIFUL SYMBIOTIC SITUATION WHERE EVERYONE CAN MUTUALLY BENEFIT FROM THEIR PERSONAL DYNAMICS.

WHICH LEADS ME TO THE SECOND LESSON: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY HUMANS HAVE THIS EXTREMELY NARROW, SPECIFIC IDEA OF ROMANCE. THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF WAYS TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO LOVE PEOPLE, SO WHY REFUSE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU FOCUS ON? WHY PUT ONE RELATIONSHIP ON A PEDESTAL AND LET ALL YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT? THAT ISN'T HEALTHY NO MATTER WHICH QUADRANT YOUR CULTURE IS OBSESSED WITH.

THIRD LESSON: WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. LEARN THEM AND BENEFIT FROM THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE SO FUCKING WELCOME AT HOW MUCH THEY WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND HOW MUCH SENSE THEY WILL MAKE TO YOUR VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:

MATESPRITSHIP: THE FLUSHED QUADRANT IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST THING TO "TRADITIONAL" HUMAN LOVE. THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO YOU HAVE STRONG POSITIVE EMOTIONS TOWARDS THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCES BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (NOT TO GET TOO NC-17 HERE). THIS IS YOUR MATESPRIT.

MOIRALLEGIANCE: THE PALE QUADRANT IS ALSO A POSITIVE DYNAMIC, HOWEVER, THIS RELATIONSHIP TYPICALLY FOCUSES ON BEING THERE TO PROVIDE ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TO YOUR PARTNER. IT INVOLVES BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEIR FLAWS, HELP THEM BE THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES, AND THEM TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. YOU CALM THEM DOWN WHEN THEY ARE WORKED UP, YOU KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. THIS IS YOUR MOIRAIL OR PALEMATE.

KISMESISSITUDE: THE BLACK QUADRANT IS RELIANT ON PURELY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HATRED AND ANIMOSITY YOU FEEL TOWARDS ANOTHER. THE KEY HERE IS THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY MUTUAL, WELL-BALANCED, HEALTHY HATRED. MEANING YOU ARE ACTUAL EQUALS IN TERMS OF STRENGTH OR INTELLECTUALITY OR SOMETHING. THE POINT IS *NOT* TO KILL OR DEFEAT YOUR KISMESIS, BUT TO CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE EACH OTHER INTO A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELVES THROUGH RIVALRY. ALSO YOU PROBABLY WANT TO FUCK THEM. SORRY. THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES. IT IS EXTREMELY COMMON WHERE I COME FROM FOR THE BLACK AND FLUSHED QUADRANTS TO CONTINUALLY SWITCH. THEY ARE AS EQUALLY ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELL-BEING SINCE THEY KEEP YOU ON YOUR FUCKING TOES AND RESPECT YOU IN WAYS THE OTHER QUADRANTS MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS QUITE TUMULTUOUS. AND IT CAN BE VERY UNHEALTHY IF THINGS ARE UNBALANCED BETWEEN THE TWO WHICH IS BASICALLY WHY WE HAVE...

AUSPISTICISM: THE ASHEN QUADRANT. THIS IS LESS OF A ROMANTIC QUADRANT BUT RATHER A DEALING OF ROMANCE. THIS IS A WILLING THIRD PARTY STEPPING IN TO WILLINGLY HELP FACILITATE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OTHERS. THIS IS CRUCIAL IN OUR SOCIETY TO ENSURE ALL OF YOUR PARTNERS AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY HEALTHY AND FUNCTIONING. THE AUSPISTICE IS NOT NECESSARILY ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED IN THE OTHER PARTIES, BUT IT ISN'T UNCOMMON TO SEE AN AUSPISTICE WHO IS LONGING FOR ONE OF THE PARTIES AND IS HOPING THE ASHEN QUADRANT MIGHT GIVE THEM A LEVERAGE TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

AND THAT IS THE SHORT AND SWEET VERSION OF IT. YES, IT IS WILDLY COMPLEX AND YES HEARTBREAK IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FROTHING AT THE BRIM IN OUR CULTURE. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RAMPANT PROBLEM THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO SORT OUT WHAT QUADRANT FITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEST. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL TO FEEL AND IT IS FINE IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER WHO FITS ALL QUADRANTS BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THAT KIND OF THING SO YOU CAN BOTH BE ON THE SAME PAGE.

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BEING THE TOWN AUSPISTICE, BY THE WAY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT AS A RULE, I CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL AND IT IS SINCERE TORTURE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY IDIOTS ARE WALKING AROUND DENYING THEIR OWN FEELINGS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.

WHICH I HAVE ALREADY DONE SO MANY TIMES NOW.

BUT YES I WILL OPEN THE FLOOR TO GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR PROBABLE ROMANTIC AWAKENINGS THIS POST WILL NO DOUBT AROUSE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU HAVE HAD A TOTAL HATE-BONER FOR SOMEONE FOR TEN YEARS AND ARE PROBABLY IN SOME KIND OF LOVE WITH THEM. IDIOT.

OKAY BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER SHORT ESSAY, I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW.

EDIT BY FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST @ 3:25 AM

WOW, I AM SO FUCKING INEPT AT THIS SOMEONE REVOKED MY FUCKING ROMANCE GURU CARD THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE.

I FORGOT THE CARDINAL LESSON FOR HUMANITY BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THIS WILD FUCKING OBSESSION WITH GENDER: YOU ARE NOT "BROKEN" OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER KIND OF BRAINWASHING YOUR KIND HAS PUT YOU THROUGH...IF YOU LIKE THE SAME GENDER YOU IDENTIFY AS. HOLY FUCK. OR MULTIPLE GENDERS. OR NO GENDERS. ATTRACTION IS A GODDAMN SPECTRUM AND WE FEEL IT AS SUCH FOR A REASON. BECAUSE! IT'S! MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! IF YOU DON'T FEEl ATTRACTION LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT YOU NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. IF YOU'RE HORNED UP, IT'S FUCKING FINE AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER ABOUT IT. JEGUS.

OKAY NOW I'M DONE.

Comments

[klawful]

YES, I AM EXTREMELY EXPERIENCED AND ALL MY OPINIONS ON THIS ARE DEFINITIVELY BETTER THAN MOST.

I USED TO BE WAY WORSE WITH THIS SHIT, ACTUALLY, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT.

[zib]

Really? How so?

If you don't mind me asking about it, that is.

[klawful]

I DON'T REALLY MIND. HONESTLY, MOST OF MY COLOSSALLY EMBARRASSING RELATIONSHIP MOMENTS ARE IMMORTALIZED ONLINE ANYWAY FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

OKAY MAYBE NOT HERE BUT I'VE BEEN USED TO IT FOR LONG ENOUGH THAT IT FEELS DUMB TO NOT BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT. I'M RAMBLING. OKAY, SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN AND GET ON WITH IT, DIPSHIT. I WILL, I WILL.

(Yes, he is absolutely arguing with himself right now. Don't mind him.)

I DEVELOP ROMANTIC FEELINGS QUICKLY AND I MISINTREPRET GESTURES AS ROMANTIC COME-ONS REGULARLY. THE FIRST TIME I TALKED TO ONE OF MY HUMAN FRIENDS, I IMMEDIATELY FLIRTED WITH HIM AND WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WERE DESTINED FOR EACH OTHER. IT WAS SO FUCKING BAD. AND HE WAS ALL "BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL SORRY DUDE" AND I BASICALLY WANTED TO DIE. GRANTED, I WAS JUST A STUPID KID SO THAT SOCIAL FLOP IS TO BE EXPECTED.

BUT IT JUST HAPPENED WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE. AND OVER THE YEARS I STARTED TO REALIZE MY AGGRESSIVE DESIRE FOR ROMANCE DID NOT NECESSARILY MEAN I INNATELY UNDERSTOOD ROMANCE AND I TOOK A LOT OF TIME TO SELF-REFLECT ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS AND HOW I HANDLED MY OWN ROMANTIC SITUATIONS. I LIKE TO THINK I MATURED SINCE MY MOST RECENT RELATIONSHIP LASTED ABOUT FIVE YEARS AND ONLY EFFECTIVELY ENDED SINCE I ARRIVED HERE.

[zib]

[It's fine, Zib has moments like that too where he ends up arguing with himself.

Anyway, Zib reads all of this and nods along, right until he gets to the end.]

Wait... does that mean you consider your most recent one to be ended because the other person you were in a relationship with wasn't brought here too? What will you do if they also show up here at some point?

[klawful]

NOT ENDED, JUST IMPROBABLE NOW. I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND CONSIDER HIM MY BOYFRIEND JUST NOW MY OLD BOYFRIEND FROM A LIFE DETACHED FROM THIS ONE. I'M MOST LIKELY ON A DIVERGENT TIMELINE AND THERE IS A MINIMAL PERCENTAGE OF EVER SEEING HIM AGAIN EXCEPT FOR IN MY DREAMS. IT MIGHT HAVE TO DO WITH THE SQUID-REINCARNATION THING TOO, BUT I'M NOT TOO UPSET BY IT. WEIRD TIMELINES ARE COMMON ENOUGH BACK HOME.

I HIGHLY DOUBT HE WILL SHOW UP. IF HE DOES, HE COULD BE FROM ANY TIMELINE, ONE WHERE WE NEVER GOT TOGETHER, OR FROM WAY BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER, SO IT WOULD DEPEND ON A LOT OF DIFFERENT SENSITIVE CIRCUMSTANCES. THERE'S A VERY MINIMAL CHANCE OF THE ONE COMING FROM MY EXACT TIMELINE COMING HERE, I THINK. STATISTICS SAY UNLIKELY.

[zib]

[Oh yeah, he gets that, given Zib's own experience with diverging timelines. Still...]

And if that one in a million chance does somehow happen, what then? Would you just be dating again and continue on from where you both left your shared timeline?

[klawful]

THEN WE TALK ABOUT IT LIKE ADULTS, OBVIOUSLY, AND FIGURE OUT THE SITUATION TOGETHER. COMMUNICATION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

[zib]

[Huh. Zib can't help but be a little impressed.]

... I gotta say, you sound way more mature than I thought you were the first time I spoke to you.

[klawful]

I AM EXTREMELY MATURE. I JUST HAVE A VERY STRONG, UNLIKABLE PERSONALITY TO WADE THROUGH FIRST. I'M A TROLL. WE CAN'T HELP BUT BE OBNOXIOUS AS ALL FUCK.

BUT THANK YOU.