deernet | video; un: padlocks

I have made my warning to a handful of you before, but there are many that I've yet to meet. And so, this is primarily to those who do not know me.

I am something to be wary of. 'Tis not meant as a threat, but a matter of what I am. Call it what you shall, be it a curse or condition, but the brand on my head is not for display only. Many would call me an abomination where I am from, and it is not far from the truth.

I fight back the instincts of a demon inside of me. I hold it back by whatever means I am able, with my will and the bonds I take with me. With years of practice, I am typically able to hold it back, but there can never be a promise of my willpower. If there comes a time in which this beast emerges and I transform, I do not expect mercy on my behalf.

I understand that there are some with a similar situation as myself, or that you have experienced enough horrors to be prepared for it. Making demands of a person is impossible, I know that, but I want to be clear that I am a thing to be careful with.

...Thank you for listening. Be well, friends and strangers alike.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Fern stares at this message for a few minutes, trying to decide if he wants to answer. It's personal, and it means dipping into even more self-loathing, and as much as he dislikes doing that he knows the alternative (repressing it all) is worse.

So he switches this over to private.]

Mostly 'cause in my experience, most of what I do is screw things up. I'm not the same person I was before I was grass, that's Finn. He's a real hero, and I'm not him anymore.

I'm... trying to be better about that, though. Not trying to live up to what he is, and just trying to be whatever I'm supposed to be. It's just hard.

I know not precisely your tale. But it sounds to me perhaps you are comparison yourself to another.

It is hard to separate the desire to be precisely like another person from just being inspired by their good deeds. All people suffer from some degree of not knowing themselves -- albeit it appears you struggle with it more than most. It's no simple feat to find your truth, Fern.

I do know one thing for certain. Despite what I became, you were not afraid of me. And for that, please know it means more to me than words can properly emphasize. That alone assures me you are capable of good.

[He's glad Bigby understands. Getting into the nitty gritty about Finn is something he's done before and something he figures he should explain to the main eventually, but for now he's just glad that what he's trying to explain is getting across.]

So I'm doing one thing right, even if I'm not sure about myself or my feelings. That means a lot.

[It means his emotional volatility isn't getting the better of him.]

Um, if it's not a whole huge personal thing, how'd you end up the way you are now?

Ask what you would like. I take no offense.

Where I'm from, there has always been a creeping infection of life. Of beasts, darkness, demons, and the like. Mutations happening to humans due these factors was inevitable. I thought that it was possible to find a way to reverse the effects done to a person. My only desire was to help people that the nobles preferred to ignore.

[A soft sigh escapes him.] There was an accident in the laboratory. And in turn, I was affected.

So... you were a scientist?

[Well, that reminds him a lot of Varian. Wanting to use science to help the people, that's Varian to a T. Same goes for the accident, though in the alchemist's case it wasn't him that was affected....]

And the accident made everything worse? You didn't find a cure?

I was. Albeit that was so long ago. I could not claim to be adequately skilled any longer.

[But he does not linger on that particular subject matter.]

No. I spent sometime trying to study myself, to see if I could reverse it. I was not successful... and eventually, the church found out in any case. Any research I planned to proceed with was cut short, and I am as you met me.

[Unfortunately for Bigby, Fern is happy to linger. Sorry bro, you're talking to a kid who is all about following your passions, and a kid who happens to be dating a nerdy mad scientist.]

That sucks, man. But even if you're rusty that doesn't mean you couldn't pick that stuff back up again, especially if you really love it. Maybe not trying to cure yourself, if this is just who you are now, but other science junk. People can always use more of that.

Controlling the fiend occupies much of my time and concentration. I... do not believe I could truly return to my old profession.

But you could still try! And it's not like you gotta deal with that alone, you got people here who'd wanna help you.

...Ah.

It is something that I forget is more of an option for me now here than before. It's been... a very long time, but perhaps...

Yeah! It can't hurt to try and see how it goes, right?

If I can manage to keep it in check, then I suppose it wouldn't be so bad.

That's the spirit! If you need any help lemme know, I don't know what the heck I could do but you're helping me, and you shouldn't deal with this stuff on your own.

Maaaybe less with the science stuff, though. My boyfriend would totally be up for science experiments, though. He's all about that junk.

Truthfully, being of some help to you does aid me in return. You need not be concerned with it.

Oh? Perhaps I shall reach out. What is his name?

Hah, if you say so, dude.

Varian! He wears goggles and has a blue stripe in his hair. You can't miss him. He's an alchemist and probably the smartest person here.

[Just going to gush a little it's fine.]

[A small laugh escapes him.] Oh, no. We have met, he and I. Admittedly, I was quite charmed by how stubbornly kind he was to me.

You have found yourself a fine person as a significant other.

[Fern brightens up. Good!! It's good Varian has met yet another science nerd, it'll be good for both him and Bigby.]

Ha ha, yeah. He's stubborn as heck, he's even worse than me. [He's saying that fondly.]

Thanks. I'm really happy he's here. Dunno what I'd do without him.

[It's terribly endearing to him, that even in the face of darkness and despair, love has blossomed for people in this place. Good.]

Oh, I have noticed in the short time I have known him. But still, a good heart nonetheless in that one. As well as in yours.

It's fortunate you have found each other.

[Fern and Varian's love is like a weed managing to grow up through a crack in a sidewalk in the middle of winter: tiny, scraggly, and stubborn as hell.]

You don't know the half of it. Both of us are used to life just going sideways all the time, or messing us up. Something real good like this doesn't happen to either of us.

[Which sounds like an exaggeration, but it isn't, really. They've been through the wringer more than any kids should be.]

We're really, really lucky. Sometimes I think we're too lucky, and this is all some big cosmic joke that's gonna come crashing down on us at any second.

Better to enjoy what you have, from day to day. To worry for the future will bring unnecessary despondence.

Embrace the love you have earned, Fern. That is my advice.

Yeah, you're right. It's really hard to, sometimes, but I'm trying my best.

video; un: padlocks

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