deernet | Video UN: glyphywitchy [Back dated to May 12]

[It's been a few days since dying, and Luz had unfortunately kept this to herself. If you haven't been able to tell, this girl has been having a pretty rough month, and it didn't seem to be getting better. She lurched her device to focus, and, though coughing, was looking directly into the camera].

So. Uh. Died. First time, ha ha, not a fun experience. Kinda looking for some company, here or just on this thing otherwise. I should probably be getting rest, yes, but staring up at the ceiling regretting stuff and hating yourself can only keep out the quiet for so long.

Also, been out of the loop a bit. Someone update me on things?

[Action]
sickandstressed1

Luz was pretty sure that she was going to get an earful from people in the house, but ESPECIALLY from Ahiru, who had very much not wanted her to go on the mission. Luz had thought she could handle it and had handled somewhat similar situations before. Now, though, since they'd talked about it before, Luz knew it looked even WORSE.

Add the whole mix of self-loathing for being too weak to avoid death and the ever-present gloom of missing Fern and Varian, and Luz was pretty much a powder keg of emotions and blah. She was in her room right now, dimly lit with her purple lights and surrounded by a fort of stuffed animals and, well, Luz was a sight to see.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Honestly, it does kind of sound like there isn't a perfect answer here - or at least, that's how Chizuru thinks when Luz talks about it that way.

But that certainly doesn't make things easier, now does it. ]

I think it sounds like you can't have both things, you know..? It sounds like either you would have felt bad for dying like right now, or you would have felt bad for not joining in on the effort to keep this place safe.

[ There's a small pause, and then Chizuru adds: ]

Maybe.. the only answer here is being a little less hard on yourself, you know..?

[There really wasn't a way for Luz to win here. She wanted to help of course and had tried to make it clear that she could. But dying had changed the way the narrative worked, and now she was having to think long and hard about how good of an idea it was to have people worrying about her].

I was already feeling not great for the fight because I was causing my house mates to worry. Now that I've actually died, it's making them worry even more.

[Which made her wonder if maybe she SHOULD take this time to not be so gung-ho in running into another mission].

You think so?

[ Chizuru nods. ]

If anything, I think you should instead just.. talk to the people important to you about these things. [ Not that Chizuru thinks they'll necessarily agree with Luz. She can't say she herself feels very great about the girl putting herself into that kind of trouble either.

But still.. ]

You should explain to them how you feel. Why this happened.

I was planning to do that. I don't think I know everything. I just know that I have magical abilities, and I want them to help. It used to be about learning magic, and how new it was and how it helped connect me to the land.

But now I'm far from the Titan, and I have the same powers HERE. If I can use it to stop some of the suffering, how can I just keep it to myself? I don't want someone to lose their life, or someone else's life, and know that I could have stopped it or at least lent a hand.

Does that make sense, or do I just sound really arrogant?

Well..

[ Give her a moment to think. Mostly about how word this, because it seems like an important matter to Luz - and Chizuru wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. ]

Rather than it sounding arrogant.. It maybe sounds a little like you're taking too much on your shoulders. [ She's saying it gently though!! G-Gently! ] Not that I'm saying you should do nothing at all, but.. maybe it might be better to start building up your battles, rather than going for such a big one right away..?

I know it might sound a little strange. I don't have experience with this sort of thing, after all. [ Chizuru is so not a fighter. ] But maybe it'd be a good idea to see what kind of battles you can handle with your powers without being in that much danger.. Then you wouldn't have to worry either about hurting or worrying your friends.

[Luz listened quietly. She was pretty sure that she needed to start listening at this point, especially to someone who didn't live in the house, so she could get an unbiased idea of what she likely should be doing].

That battle was...complicated. There were a lot of things going on, and there were a lot of people. I didn't think I'd really be noticed while I was able to formulate plans where I could get the best of the monster.

But maybe you have a point. Rather than jumping to conclusions about what people are thinking about me being killed, I should maybe start thinking about how I need to let other people do the thing that I know I can't do myself?

[ Chizuru hums, seeming to indicate that she agrees - that is what she means. Or part of it, anyway. It feels like Luz is slowly grasping the most important thought here, and that's enough for her. ]

I'm not saying you always have to hold back. Or not get into danger at all. [ Since that's impossible here, for one. And then there's also the fact that Luz's sense of justice and protecting people seems way too strong to do that.

Chizuru wouldn't want her to have to let go of that and grow miserable. ]

But.. maybe there's some stuff that's just a little bit too much for you, you know..? I know that there are even more things out there that are too much for me.

[ Since her own ability to fight is really not all that great. Luz definitely got her beat there, and Chizuru knows it. ]

[She was trying. Luz and self-sacrifice had a tendency to go hand in hand at times].

Oh, I know! You can't really avoid that, no matter how much you try!

[Luz knew just about everything in Trench was going to be a struggle. You avoided death as best as you could, and sometimes you just had to hope that was good enough].

I really thought I could do it. I misjudged, and now I can see what goes wrong if you think confidence and luck are enough.

[Luz did sound sad though. She blamed herself because she wasn't fast or clever enough that day, and now she had to be reminded that she was not as indestructible as she thought].

.. you learned too, though.

[ It's offered softly - but offered all the same. Even though Chizuru thinks that it is important for Luz to learn her limits, at the same time she doesn't want the other to only be hard on herself over this.

After all, Luz went into it with the best intentions. Chizuru knows it. Not just from what Luz has been saying here, but from every single impression she's gotten of the girl so far. ]

Even though it happened in an awful way.. You learned more about your limits. That means that you can take that into account next time, so things can go better. [ So Luz might pick something that's a little more at her own level, or finds a way to get out of danger if things get too bad. ]

I did, but...I don't want to cause pain to the people in the house. I don't want to fail.

[Luz was starting to understand that there wasn't really a way to be right in this situation. Ultimately, the answer would come down to this: would she still fight to help whenever needed, or would she choose to think about where she was better useful]?

That did happen. The fight, dying, all of that was unexpected. I think I need to talk with everyone in the house, see what they think.

[ That sounds like a good idea regardless, Chizuru thinks. Surely those people would know Luz even better than her too, so they'd probably also be able to provide a lot more insight.. ]

Alright. [ She smiles, though it's faint. ] You should do that. So.. um, good luck with it. I think talking with them will help a lot.

[Luz had this annoying habit of putting things on herself when it wasn't necessarily her fault, and in this case, she was pretty sure she was in the wrong even if it had felt right at the time].

Thank you. And, um, thanks, for listening. It helped.

It's no problem. Really, I'm glad if I could help you even just a little bit..

[ Chizuru smiles a little bit as she says it, and then turns off the feed to give Luz a chance to go to her housemates to talk about all this. ]

You did! Keep in touch whenever you can, ok?

Video UN: glyphywitchy [Back dated to May 12]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject