URGENT: HELP US FEED A LIZARD (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

[lipochrome]

[ The video opens on a close-up shot of a lizard’s face. Its eyes are unfocused and unblinking. Its jaw is slack. Sometimes, a tongue flops out, and a hand reaches out to shove it back in.

Without warning, the camera DRAMATICALLY zooms out to reveal Kaworu, holding up a large, floppy lizard. This lizard is literally the size of him. Bigger even, if you include the length of its tail]

Okay, Kaworu! [ A very loud, very enthusiastic woman’s voice. ] You’re up! Time to tell everyone about this extremely important mission! Don’t – Kaworu, come on, you have to hold him up, like we practiced.

[ This is interrupted by some unfortunately shaky camera work. ]

Shinji-kun. His name is Shinji-kun and he’s heavy. You should give me the camera instead.

We don’t know what to feed Shinji-kun. He has little interest in eating even though we’ve had him for months now. It’s odd, most creatures, especially basic ones like him, are driven by the need to eat to survive, yet we can’t find anything that he desires. So far we’ve tried… buttered noodles, rice, cereal, marshmallows, grass, leaves…

What else Gideon?

Dried fruit, protein shakes, nice words written on paper notes, my blood, Kaworu’s blood, a rat we found in the backyard one time, bones. You know, regular animal foods.

[ Gideon shrugs, and the camera moves up and down with it. Professionalism!! ]

We know there was this whole baking competition or whatever going down, so, you know, if any of you want to bake a lizard treat we’d buy you lunch or whatever in exchange. Or just tell us how to feed this lizard.

[ Please!! Help! ]

( ooc: Gideon is in red and Kaworu is in blue. Shinji the lizard is undead, but the two of them have no idea. They just love their re-animated lizard a lot and want the best for him.)

Comments

un: younghuman | text | locked from gideon and kaworu

[terriblepurpose]

Be polite.

similar lock, text

[mehanizovati]

Paul, what is wrong with that lizard?

un: merlinus; private

[unsheathedfromreality]

Polite and kind are not synonymous in this case.

I brought that lizard back from death. It wasn't meant to last this long.

[Or, needless to say, become someone's beloved pet.]

text | un: deku | private

[wannasmash]

[ Paul told Midoriya why the lizard would still be okay if he ate, say, a wrapper. ]

Paul-kun I'm at work why didn't you stop them
Someone is going to figure out and tell them
What do we do?????

un: diggs | text | locked from gideon and kaworu

[justoscar]

Paul. What the hell did your teacher do to that poor guy?

un: GoldenFlowers | text

[the_obedient_servant]

Is there a reason they can't know it's dead? It's not as if something being dead prevents others from getting attached to it.

[Like them, for example.]

video; un: lady

[dohaeris]

[sansa stares at the lizard. she hasn't actually seen one before, unless dragons count. and they eat meat. she has managed to glean a few things from being around people who read books about this sort of thing for fun. and she has heard that snakes eat mice, though she can't say where exactly she heard it, but lady sakura didn't correct it when she said it on the anonymous post, so it must be true enough. and she has been birds, which–aren't lizards, but which probably cumulatively cover all the possibilities for small(??) animal diets.]

If he won't eat mice or leaves, he might like insects.

[there is one definite way to find out for sure, though...]

If I could be with him I might be able to...sense what he wants, with my paleblood magic.

[she wants to warg the lizard. she hesitates.]

But...if it's been months, he's probably feeding himself.

[or photosynthesizing??]

un: imyarek; private text

[unsheathedfromreality]

I recommend against using any paleblood magic on the lizard, my lady. You will not like what you find.

video; xX_coolbonebabe_Xx

[lipochrome]

Yeah, he doesn't really go for bugs when we're around, but maybe he's just being sneaky. [ hm. thinking about this ] Or he could be shy. Not sure why, though, Kaworu and I are always real nice to him.

What kind of magic would you use?

[peripheries]

Ah, if he's already full that would explain why he doesn't want to eat anything else. Though, I still don't know how to make sense of creatures like him and what he would feed himself.

[frogfear]

[Willow doesn't know a whole lot about reptiles - she's not even a really big fan of them, really. But oh. Oh, that lizard does not look well at all.

Still. Look at this pair, just trying to do the best for their scaly friend, and look at the list of things they've tried to help find him something he might actually like to eat. Taking one look at his vacant, unblinking eyes, and the way his tongue just kind of lolls out of his mouth, the answer is pretty clear.

This is not the kind of lizard that eats. Not any more at least.

Her eyebrows raise in concern as she tries to pick the best way to frame the question.]

Are you sure he's... You know...

Are you sure he's okay? Or, um. Hungry?

video; xX_coolbonebabe_Xx

[lipochrome]

Yeah, he's doing great! Kaworu and I check on him every day. [ thumbs up!! ] He's just a little sleepy.

He hasn't eaten anything in months, though. But he hasn't gotten any smaller, either. We're kinda worried about him.

[peripheries]

He mostly just wanders around the house. But he'll watch movies with us or listen to the piano. Perhaps he's still getting used to things... these types of creatures aren't normally domesticated by humans, right?

video; un: v

[mehanizovati]

[ok, after an enlightening little chat with paul he'll play the game here.]

Given the odd nature of the Trench he might get nourishment from an unlikely source. Moonlight, for example.

un: tabris

[peripheries]

Ah, that could be. I know only a little about how creatures like this are supposed behave on earth. But it would make sense they've adapted to this world.

We've never seen what he does at night either.

not here (yet)

[unsheathedfromreality]

[Illarion listens to this one at first, rather than having Iskierka watch it--nine times out of ten the visuals aren't necessary.

But when it gets to his name is Shinji-kun, the shrike's curiosity is piqued--wasn't that Tabris' Omen--and then Gideon mentions lizard treats... He summons Iskierka and borrows her eyes to see--

"He gave them my lizard?" Godspit on Sacrifice's Throne, what is wrong with that man's reasoning.

(He is a Monarch, of course; that's all that needs to be.)]

[lipochrome]

[ it's nice to have a pet :) helps the kids learn responsibility ]

Video: UN: ClickClickBloom

[onekindsoul]

...Huh. You've tried a lot of the best ideas already there.

I mean he seems healthy enough even though he's not really eating? Maybe just leave him out food and he'll eat when he's ready?

That or you could always try and hook him up to an IV or something? Pump potato chips directly into his veins!

un: tabris

[peripheries]

cw: needle talk

I suppose. Maybe he's used to getting his own food and doesn't like being fed as it goes against his will.

And... I'm quite certain salty snacks go against the purpose of IV feeding.

Video | un: diggs

[justoscar]

Um....

Maybe he just wants a hug?

un: tabris

[peripheries]

We often show him all sorts of affection. He even gets to sleep under the bed. What else is there?

text | un: dito

[syncopathic]

[Are you guys fucking serious????]

That lizard is dead. Considering what you've tried to stuff down its gullet I'd be shocked you haven't killed it yourselves.

text; un: xX_coolbonebabe_Xx; 1/3

[lipochrome]

fuck off we would never kill our lizard

Text; UN: Tavion

[of_dathomir]

[She's seen enough things to know unnatural when she sees it. But she also knows enough to know...creative solutions. That will probably cause chaos, which makes her happy to share them.]

I can easily help your dear little Shinji-kun. His needs are not...traditional. But I know of non-traditional ways.

[Sith alchemy anyone? Because oh does she know it.]

[peripheries]

Hm. Explain then.

Video; un: Uravity

[floatsaway]

[There is...so much in that video, but one thing is for sure, Ochako knows a dead animal when she (sadly has to) sees one. And the private mention from Paul definitely gets...acknowledged, and she is nothing if not very polite (for a vast majority of the time, anyway), but that doesn't mean she can't be honest.

These aren't children. They're adults, or at least look to be. Sure they can handle the sad truth - it just takes a gentle touch.]

Um...I-I'm very sorry to say this, but...I d-don't think that animal is, um, alive anymore... And you really, really shouldn't be feeding any animal things meant for humans to eat - a lot of the times they have chemicals in them that are very unsafe for animals to eat.

video | un: diggs | private

[justoscar]

[Have an Oscar holding his face in his hands, Ochako.]

Thanks, Ochako-chan, for being nice about it. Someone already rudely beat you to the punch. I was trying to get Paul to tell them-- because that was the right thing to do-- but... well...

Ugh. This was gonna happen no matter what.

un: falcogrice

[grice]

[ oh, these filtered messages. this whole thing. paul????? paul and friends????? he’s alarmed and concerned and— sad. the circumstance makes him tear up, and falco much prefers not to show his face. ]

Will Shinji be staying that way?

un: tabris

[peripheries]

I don't know. Things are always changing. It's the way the world is. But he'll be staying with us no matter what.

video || un: wheeler

[micycle]

Have you tried just, like, setting it loose to see what it goes after? [A really stupid suggestion coming from anyone, but this guy seems to have a lizard of his own - spiny, brown, perched on his head like a statue.] That's how I found out Bas eats dirt.

[He's verrrrrry carefully not mentioning that these guys might have a bigger problem than lizard diet on their hands. Hate to be the bearer of bad news and all.]

video; xX_coolbonebabe_Xx

[lipochrome]

[ oh, a fellow lizard parent! Gideon will respect this strange teenager's opinion most of all. ]

You know, Shinji-kun doesn't tend to walk too many places? Kaworu and I carry him around, mostly. But we could set him in the dirt and see what happens.

Cool lizard, by the way.