URGENT: HELP US FEED A LIZARD (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

[lipochrome]

[ The video opens on a close-up shot of a lizard’s face. Its eyes are unfocused and unblinking. Its jaw is slack. Sometimes, a tongue flops out, and a hand reaches out to shove it back in.

Without warning, the camera DRAMATICALLY zooms out to reveal Kaworu, holding up a large, floppy lizard. This lizard is literally the size of him. Bigger even, if you include the length of its tail]

Okay, Kaworu! [ A very loud, very enthusiastic woman’s voice. ] You’re up! Time to tell everyone about this extremely important mission! Don’t – Kaworu, come on, you have to hold him up, like we practiced.

[ This is interrupted by some unfortunately shaky camera work. ]

Shinji-kun. His name is Shinji-kun and he’s heavy. You should give me the camera instead.

We don’t know what to feed Shinji-kun. He has little interest in eating even though we’ve had him for months now. It’s odd, most creatures, especially basic ones like him, are driven by the need to eat to survive, yet we can’t find anything that he desires. So far we’ve tried… buttered noodles, rice, cereal, marshmallows, grass, leaves…

What else Gideon?

Dried fruit, protein shakes, nice words written on paper notes, my blood, Kaworu’s blood, a rat we found in the backyard one time, bones. You know, regular animal foods.

[ Gideon shrugs, and the camera moves up and down with it. Professionalism!! ]

We know there was this whole baking competition or whatever going down, so, you know, if any of you want to bake a lizard treat we’d buy you lunch or whatever in exchange. Or just tell us how to feed this lizard.

[ Please!! Help! ]

( ooc: Gideon is in red and Kaworu is in blue. Shinji the lizard is undead, but the two of them have no idea. They just love their re-animated lizard a lot and want the best for him.)

Comments

[wannasmash]

I'm saying none of us know much about this specific lizard, so it's bad to jump to conclusions.

Have you ever had pets?

[syncopathic]

Does a baby dragon that sets people on fire count?

Then again he was more my mistress's pet than he was mine, and honestly? She could have him. Dumbass was more trouble than he was worth.

[wannasmash]

Right
OK
People can get very attached to their animal companions. They provide support, especially during hard times. Sometimes they're better company than people.
So it's not good to maybe scare someone like that without all the facts first.

[ private ]

I was
We were going to tell them today. I just wanted to do it gently.

[private]

[syncopathic]

Like I explained to all the other members of the brain trust here-- if it wasn't me, it would've been somebody else.

It's not my fault nobody decided to tell them the truth sooner. I may be an asshole, but at least I was honest.

[private] rip

[wannasmash]

You're satisfied with being an asshole? You could have, you know, been honest and also not an asshole. You didn't think of the feelings of those involved.

Did you even care about them, or did you just want to be right?

[private]

[syncopathic]

You should be directing that question to the person who started this whole clusterfuck in the first place, honestly. Did they care about them, or did they just not want to deal with the inevitable emotional fallout?

Life's harsh, especially in a place like this, and unless you can start working on getting yourself a thicker skin you're not gonna last very long. I've seen it happen. You think I managed to survive for this long with someone fucking coddling me?

Whatever, I'm out. It's obvious we're just gonna keep talking in circles until the heat death of the universe, so once again I gotta be the sensible one here and bow out before this whole thing gives me a fucking migraine.

Seriously, you people make me sick.

[private]

[wannasmash]

Yes, I know more about where the lizard came from and it's not great. Neither is the way you didn't care about hurting someone. It doesn't matter if the world is harsh. You don't have to be.

I have to go too. Gotta make sure my friends are OK.

[ Whatever feral irritated feelings are called up whenever someone comes at his friends, it begins and ends with his friends, not this person he doesn't even know. ]