[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[tempredmental]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

Comments

[azurestar]

[In Lance's defense, he was kind of just having another meltdown, and even if he didn't have a lot of complex emotions around Keith and their history that might make him run for the hills… confusion and disorientation would still be his response. He can hear Keith now, though there's still a bit of a rushing in his ears, it's subsiding.

At the explanation, he looks to the side to see his omen and his heart sinks and clenches. He glares at the omen, his head tilted in a way where only Valor can see it. Fucking coyote. He knows he's like that because he's an extension of Lance himself, but he also hates himself so his ire at his omen is more than warranted. And he suspects he knows why the coyote insisted on this method of helping, knowing that Lance has been trying to forget about what it feels like to be intimate like that with Keith, and probably wanted to remind him of it.

But Keith doesn't remember and trying to be together was a mistake anyway, it wasn't fair to him to bully him into a kiss like that. And now it just hurts like hell knowing Keith didn't suddenly remember or something like that, which for a moment he did hope for. And now on top of all the other stuff that was stressing him the fuck out before, he has to try and smooth this over. He swallows, trying to keep his mental footing in a raging river that's just… all of it.]

O-of course… he did. [He sounds rough, trying to hide his heart breaking all over again. But strangely, it's not like before because even he can't entirely forget that Keith still did it. No, it means nothing. It would be a bad idea anyway, shut up.] I… I'm sorry. F-for losing it… like that. Again. I…

[He's just sorry for all of it. His stupid omen. And all the rest of his screw ups and failures. For scaring Keith like that. And for having these feelings and desires that won't just go away and leave them both in peace.]

[tempredmental]

[...............

Ouch.

Lance's reaction hit something hard. There was no, "Oh, it was good," or, "Thanks for kissing me," not that Keith expected it, but... he wasn't sure what he expected or even wanted out of that. But it wasn't... this. Well, not entirely. Lance seemed to have broken out of the panic attack, so that was good, at least. It had been part of his goal, after all. The primary one, the one he'd been aiming for. Everything else would have just been... nice...?

Why was this bothering him?]

N-nn-no, no... it's... you don't have to apologize.

[And there was also the pressing issue in the back of Keith's mind that asking him to stay had triggered the panic attack in the first place. That really hurt. Keith bit his lip for a second.]

You uh... You don't have to stay if you really don't want to. [Keith slumped back a bit, shifting from kneeling to sitting on the floor again. He pulled his legs up in front of himself and wrapped his arms around them, almost pulling in on himself into the same huddle he'd been in when Lance had first arrived.] Like I said... I'll be okay. I just need some time. [He lowered his head to rest his chin on his knees.] I shouldn't have asked. I know it's hard for you to be around me.

Thanks, though... for coming in the first place.

[azurestar]

[Now that he's pulled enough out of his crisis, Lance is able to see how Keith is shutting down. He's not exactly a hundred percent himself, but he's not blinded by it like he was when he was tunneling. And he's seen Keith do this before, that helps. So does his weak empathic ability. Guilt gnaws at him even more and he wonders if maybe it's best that he does just leave Keith alone. He's done nothing but screw up constantly.

But there's also a part of him that recognizes distantly how selfish that is too. Keith literally just admitted to him that he doesn't know how to do anything but be alone and push people away. And Lance relates for his own reasons. One of them has to choose to risk to break the cycle and he feels like since he screwed this up, it should be him. Even if it has his chest tightening with threat of more panic, but he curbs it off, gripping his gem on his wrist and focusing on his breath.

He swallows and looks at Keith anxiously, looking torn and conflicted. Then slowly, he makes himself get off his knees, still unsteady and shaking through his body intermittently. He gets into a more comfortable position, legs crossed, posture hunched with his elbows on his knees as he continues to clutch at his wristband.]

I… we had a moment… kinda like that. Back in Deerington. [He is choosing his words so fucking carefully.] A lot of things were different… but by the end we agreed to… not be alone. Together.

[That's one way to say 'we agreed to be boyfriends', but it's vague enough to not be a confession and it helps that those are also just the words Keith used before Lance had the attack. He swallows thickly, continuing to focus on keeping his shit together.] And then a few months later… you left.

[He continues looking down and holds his arms tightly to himself and he continues to fidget. That's one of the reasons he had the attack, anyway.] I- I want to stay… I'm just… I'm just scared, man. And I wasn't sure if- if you were real just then. If you are real, sometimes.

[Yet another difficult admission. But he already touched on it when he had to tell him why he asked Moira for that injection and Keith saw the memory, he knows it's not a secret. Still, talking about it isn't easy because he does his best to hide it and come off as normal. He shakes his head as another attack builds in his breath and he makes himself keep going to curb it off.]

I panicked because it feels like if I say yes and stay it's gonna curse us or something and I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense. B-But I'm a total crazy person, right? A-and I don't- I don't even get why you'd want me to stay, because I'm- I'm… [He shakes his head and gives up on that. He's hearing and seeing things that are drawing his attention to the side and he's too worn down to ignore them. Weakly, he finishes on a question:] Do you? …Want me to stay?

[tempredmental]

[There was an extremely subtle rocking motion in Keith as Lance moved closer again. But, as Lance spoke, it waned further, slowing until it stopped. He pulled his gaze up from the floor and turned his head to look at Lance, listening, waiting, hearing the words and wondering if Lance was going to say that these were all his reasons for leaving, and then do that once he was steady enough to walk again. Another rejection, another person leaving, just more abandonment.

Sometimes, Keith felt like he'd regressed backwards because of this place. Everything he'd been able to finally overcome back home because he had a support network, he had people he trusted and let in, people he thought would never give up on him... and it was just... gone. All over again. Like when he was ten years old and dropped into the foster care system after his dad died... already aged out of being adopted. No one wanted a grief-stricken pre-teen who couldn't control his emotions.

He definitely could understand where Lance was coming from. It was hard to trust and get attached only to lose it again. In that, they definitely understood each other. He nodded, wanting to show that he understood. He understood the fear, the desire to protect himself from getting hurt again, that need to push someone away even if you didn't want to be alone. He could feel himself doing it even now, his physical reactions of pulling in on himself, the walls he could feel forming in his psyche to protect himself.

And Lance asked then... asked if he wanted it... if he really wanted him to stay. For a split second, Keith hesitated. Lance had said he was scared, but he also said he wanted to stay. He was willing to take the risk. Keith lowered his eyes a little, staring off into the distance as he weighed that, and then he nodded again.]

Yeah. [His voice was a little shaky. In a place like this, he'd already seen and learned that getting attached to anyone was risky. They could die and not come back. They could turn back into a squid and disappear into the ocean. It was all a risk.] I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. [He met Lance's eyes as he said that. He wanted to take that risk, too.]

[azurestar]

[When Keith meets his eyes with those words, it's intense and he feels exposed. But also has his heart clenching and fluttering with hope and terror in equal measure. Not to mention the fire of attraction, affection… he doesn't dare use the L word, but he comes close. The voices snicker and he holds the look as long as he can manage before he has to break it, looking down. As he does, a tear escapes one eye.]

Even after…? [He clenches his eyes shut tight against a flash of gore. He lets out a breath that hitches mid-way and he finds himself shaking his head and croaking a brief and humorless laugh.] M-maybe you're the one that's crazy.

[He sniffs and brings a sleeve up to wipe at his face. He's so afraid it's unreal. Somehow almost as terrified as when The Reckoning was coming for Keith, and there's still so much he doesn't understand. Feels like he should be yelling at Keith for taking that kind of risk. Because he's dangerous and why can't he see that, why doesn't he… but that comes from deep within himself, and the voices.]

[tempredmental]

Yeah. Maybe. Wouldn't be the first time I've been called that. [Keith shrugged a little.]

I just... I know that you wouldn't do something consciously to hurt me, and I know that you'll make the best decision you can, no matter what it is. [Okay, maybe the whole situation with The Reckoning hadn't been the best decision either of them had made, but Lance had his reasons for not giving in to Keith's demands about that. It wasn't like he just... didn't... or wasn't giving in for bad reasons.]

Stuff here is fucked up. I get that. So, things aren't always going to work out. But that doesn't mean I don't still trust you. And I want to support you, too. So... [He put his hand out.] we're in this together, right? Like you said... we make a good team. We can still do that.

[azurestar]

[He snorts when Keith shrugs after that light remark. Then he swallows hard at what he says next. Well, no, he'd never consciously hurt anyone he loves. But that's the kicker, isn't it? Stuff gets in their heads and drives them to do the unthinkable. And he's never been able to personally accept what he's tried to tell Keith about it not being his fault because how he sees his mental instability as a product of his own mistakes. But he's not going to go down that rabbit hole of arguing the point, he just glances down and closes his eyes a moment and then turns it back on Keith.]

You know, you should think about directing some of that speech to yourself. You'd never consciously hurt innocent people… and you aren't weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. [He doesn't think he needs to backtrack and clarify what he's talking about. It's the whole reason they're here together in the first place. An impromptu memory share momentarily stole both their attention, but that concern and purpose never left him.

He then takes Keith's hand and continues, voice shaking with a doubt he can't help, doubt in himself, but determination to try his best not to let Keith down and the fear that he will is palpable in every aspect of his body and voice.] I… I trust you and I'm always gonna try to have your back too. And we… we can definitely still do that. I'll… try not to let you down, anyway.

[tempredmental]

[Keith blinked, and dropped his gaze for a second, taking a breath like he might either cry or argue, but he let it out shakily instead. It's not like Lance didn't know Keith didn't really agree with that assessment about himself, and he did appreciate the fact that Lance was trying to help dispel his self-doubts. They were both trying to do that for each other here, at least. Fighting against that was kind of pointless in a way.

Instead, Keith managed a small weak smile in return... a doubtful one, but he was trying.

But he was glad Lance took his hand, and that got a better smile in response. He nodded.]

Honestly, that's all I can ask of anyone... is just that they try. Shiro once promised me that he'd never give up on me. And he made me promise not to give up on him, and not to give up on myself. I haven't done so great with the second one. I know that. But... [He squeezed Lance's hand.]

I'm not gonna give up on you, either. Okay? So... try not to give up on yourself, either.

[He only let go of Lance's hand long enough to put it on his back. He was a little unsure of going any further at the moment, though he knew Lance was okay with the idea of hugs. He was just nervous to push too far... Not that he'd turn one down if Lance wanted to interpret the move as an invitation for one.........]

[azurestar]

[When Keith starts talking about Shiro and the promises mad when Keith was younger and entering the Garrison, Lance feels a different kind of heavy pensiveness come over him. He's not the only one who was messed up by Deerington, and trying to get through to Shiro to support him too has been like slamming his face into a wall over and over. He hasn't given up, but it started feeling like he's the problem a long time ago.

So hearing that places a lump in his throat. But he's so exhausted by the emotional distress and baggage getting dealt with here that he doesn't speak to it. He doesn't have the words, or the desire to bring up concerns about Shiro with Keith, the king of being concerned about Shiro.

And he's pretty sure that he gave up on himself a while ago, and the idea that Keith is vowing not to give up on him makes him feel a little choked up. There's just a lot of baggage for him in that whole well-meaning pep talk that is just so endearingly Keith that he finds himself with a pang in his chest and feeling warm all at once. He just nods, tiredly and offers Keith a tight smile.]

I haven't done so great with it either… [He takes a pause to consider something else to say, but then Keith's letting go of his hand (he'd almost forgotten they were doing a handshake thing) and putting it on his back. His heart jumps at the way Keith does it, something about it feels intimate in a very familiar way. And his gut instinct is to nervously joke.] Heh. You trying to kiss me again, or something?

[There's a slight shake in his voice there that comes from the immense amount of pain and baggage he has over the very concept of kissing Keith. There's a reason he tried to just ignore the last one, but it's still an elephant in the room that hasn't been addressed properly, and he sure is addressing it now! What the fuck is wrong with him?]

[tempredmental]

[Neither of them had been doing great with not giving up on themselves, and he'd definitely gotten the sense of that wall, that distance, between Shiro and Lance. He hurt thinking about it because he knew how much Lance admired Shiro, and seeing the bonds in his found family get strained was hard. It was something Keith had decided he wanted to try to fix, too. He didn't know if he could succeed at it, or just end up making things worse, but he had to try.

But then Lance was moving on -... WAIT WHAT-]

WHAT? [Keith's voice actually cracked a little.] N-no! I just- I was... you know... I thought you might need another hug? [Yeah, that was a lot of awkward stuttering, fast words, and somewhat squeaky voice cracking, and he felt his face get all hot again. Was he blushing? He was probably blushing. He was definitely blushing. Shit.]

[azurestar]

[For a very real moment he'd kind of hoped Keith really was aiming for that. But, he's used to the heartache at this point and hides his disappointment as best he can. Keith is cute when he's flustered and embarrassed and that is both fun for him and sorrowful because it makes him want to kiss him more. But no, bad idea, it was a mistake.

He snort-laughs and makes his grin a bit more prominent as he teasingly shoves Keith in the shoulder. All to try and cover up his stupid feelings.] R-right. I was just messing with you, man.

[Then he gets back on his knees and shifts closer to open his arms for a "bro hug."] Bring it in, buddy.

[tempredmental]

[He'd been going for the hug because he figured that would be what Lance wanted... not another kiss... and that response solidified it. Something in Keith felt oddly disappointed that Lance confirmed it.]

Y-yeah... yeah... of course you were. [Definitely disappointed.

But- okay, yeah. A hug he could do, and he shifted his own position now, opening himself up again from that huddled posture to lean in and hug.

For a hug from Keith, though, it was surprisingly warm and enveloping, not the usual awkward stiff hug he might have given back home.]

[azurestar]

[Over his time in Deerington and now Trench, he's developed some issues with touch from just anyone. He's not as easy with touching people or being touched, and he only does hugs with a very short list of people. When Keith first came back here, he wouldn't hav been on the hug list because of the grief there. The pain is still there as piercing as ever, but Lance has learned how to carry it and focus on what's most important.

The hugs they have shared since have been hard but needed and he doesn't open himself up to them lightly. Even now, there's some truth to that despite how light he's trying to make of it. His arms come around Keith's middle with a similar caution to what he'd had on the beach after Hunk left and he has to take a moment to ease into it.

This time, he's being very careful to place his head on the clothed part of Keith's shoulder. After a long moment, he lets out a shuddered breath and brings up the lingering question that's been lurking in his mind because one, it's important and two, he needs something else to focus on besides his broken heart.]

Hey, um… when you… saw my memory. [His voice trembles as he says that, but he swallows, puts it aside and continues stronger.] Were you touching my skin?

[He can't remember, but that's not surprising because he was not fully in the present moment and also losing his shit. He just needs to be sure, so he can figure out how to control that.]

[tempredmental]

Your... your skin?

[Keith froze a second, trying to remember. A lot happened in a short time, and it was a lot to think about and get through to figure out one small detail, but...]

I... I think so. I might have been.

[He frowned.]

Wait, should I-... should I make sure not to? [He'd never noticed an issue with that before.] Is that a bad thing?

[azurestar]

[Immediately, Lance is shaking his head in response to Keith's concerns as he pulls out of the hug and settles his back against the wall next to Keith.]

It's not really bad, it's just how my blood powers work. They're touch activated. [He looks down at his hands on his knees. He's likely already told Keith some version of this, but this is still new.] They're not that strong, all I do is make people's pain go away… I didn't know I could show anyone a memory like that.

[He dons a look of focus as he thinks back to that moment, to what he was thinking and feeling.] I think… I was frustrated because I wanted to tell you but couldn't figure out how. Or remember well enough. [He heaves a breath and shakes his head.] All it means is I've gotta be more careful. Or try to figure out how to control it.

[tempredmental]

Sasuke can do the same thing with his eyes, I think? It went wonky on him several months ago, and he hit me with a pretty strong memory by accident. He said it helps to eat something afterwards.

[Well, whether it was something in general or one of Sakura's curative riceballs, Keith wasn't sure. Either way, whatever it was that Sasuke had given him had been helpful.

Keith settled into a seated position, his left leg folded under him, the right stretched out next to him, and he fidgeted slightly with the hem of his jacket.]

You, uh... you okay now?

[This had been rough for both of them, honestly. But, something about it... Keith wasn't sure, but he felt like they'd made progress somewhere important. It was still a lot to process, but it definitely felt... significant.]

[azurestar]

[Lance nods.] Yeah, he showed me one too.

[He glances away as a signal he doesn't really want to talk about how that went. It triggered a massive corruption spike and his first stint as a deer back then. That's a point of shame and of course trauma for him. If he could just… get and keep his shit together, he could have maybe done more instead of become a liability Sasuke had to handle.

The question has him glancing back at Keith with eyebrows drawn together, then he looks down. Again, shame he piles on himself. He wishes Keith didn't have to ask him that. But something has shifted, he feels like the ground under his feet isn't the same. He's never told anyone any of that and he's still reeling from the exchange. It feels surreal, he still doesn't quite know where the dust is going to settle.

…In another leap of faith, he decides to be honest.] …I don't think I've been okay… for a long time. [He turns concerned eyes back on Keith, shakily putting the question back on him.] What about you? I dunno if I've ever seen you so torn apart on the network like that.

[Even after everything in Deerington, Keith tended to retreat and isolate, but he also doesn't recall something like this happening to him. Becoming possessed and pushed to hurt innocent people and possibly people he cares about. Most people were subjected to that in some way eventually, but some dodged it entirely.]

[tempredmental]

[Keith nodded as well. At least, they had a place to start, right? Granted, it was likely a completely different type of power, but it was a lead.

Still, though, things were quiet for a moment as they both considered if they were 'okay'. Were they? Keith wasn't sure if he was, honestly. He listened to Lance finally admit that he wasn't. And, yeah... Keith had a feeling about that. Especially after that memory he saw. His jaw tensed as he debated his own answer. Finally, he just shook his head. He sniffled, and then took a deep breath.]

Not right now. [He let the rest of the air out in a sigh.] Maybe I will be later. But... not right now. [He looked down at his hands in his lap.] I don't even know if I did the right thing. I just... I felt like I owed people... something. [In a way, Keith had retreated. He'd retreated to the barn and had been there for hours before he'd made that post. He'd debated it with himself, felt compelled to make things right, but was afraid to admit that he wasn't okay. It was one of the reasons he'd tried to do it with just his voice. Though, he hadn't even been able to apologize correctly, either. Duty had called him out on that.]

I just... messed everything up. Again. [He squeezed his eyes shut, his voice getting choked up a bit at the end, and then pressed his hands against his eyes. He took a very deep breath, though it was shaky. No, he was definitely not okay.]

[azurestar]

[Lance doesn't need empathy powers for those words to hit him in the gut and the heart. It's like hearing his own thoughts said out loud, the way he's felt for a long time. And still hasn't really figured out how to not feel that way. It doesn't seem like telling Keith he didn't mess up is gonna help, it wouldn't really help him.

This whole attempt to help has been a botched collusion of painful memories and panic and misunderstandings and frankly they're both exhausted and raw. But even if everything about being around Keith is painful for him, he's going to swallow it and do his best to support him. He reaches over to place his arm behind Keith and grip his opposite shoulder near his neck. It's a very platonic, companionable semi side hug for bros and bros only.]

Yeah, you've made some mistakes before. I don't think this's one of them, but that doesn't matter much when you feel like you do… so take it from a guy who's made a zillion mistakes: all you can do is get up and try to make it right. And you always have. [He heaves a breath and swallows, continuing.]

I get feeling so guilty you can't breathe and it feels like the only way to make it right is to let someone hurt you back… but if you really wanna fix things with people, it can't just be about how bad you feel… you gotta listen to how they feel too. If they feel like you owe them something they'll tell you what it is… but I- [his voice shakes with abrupt emotion] I really don't wanna see you hurt again, man. You don't deserve that, even if someone actually wants it from you.

[tempredmental]

[Hearing Lance of all people tell him that he didn't deserve to hurt was like like a kick to the chest. Everything about them had blown so hot and cold, back home, here in Trench, just... they're whole relationship was just back and forth. And Keith often felt off balance around Lance. But that...

He'd almost resisted the half-side-hug-thing that Lance had done, but those words... He let out a sharp breath, almost like he was going to cry for a second, but he managed not to... and then finally just sagged into Lance's hold.]

[azurestar]

[Honestly, he wasn't expecting much more than that. They're both utterly exhausted at this point, and that last little speech he just gave to try and help Keith was about the last of his juice. Through his empathic ability he can sense that Keith got something from it. Maybe it didn't fix things, but that's okay.

He is a little tense at first again, but then relaxes back against the barn wall and lets Keith lean into his side. There's a lot of things running through his head, a lot of painful things, but he doesn't have the emotional energy to fight them. He reaches into his jacket pocket to grab a bottle of alcohol and palm a pill to take quickly and chase with the drink. He's never risked doing that in front of anyone, but he needs to take the edge off and this was… a lot.

Then he side-glances at Keith to see if he noticed, and if he's watching him he'll just sigh.] Felt like one of those 'I need a drink' moments. Y'know? [After… all that.]

[tempredmental]

[Keith felt the shift and opened his eyes long enough to notice that bottle, but the angle he was at made him not notice the pill. That latter part was probably a good thing, but, even the alcohol did get a little bit of an eyebrow raise. Still, Lance actually did kind of have a point. Keith was quiet for a moment, and then put out his hand, reaching for the bottle.]

Yeah... that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

[azurestar]

[Lance hesitates a moment and then hands it over. There's a sorrowful, far away look in his eyes as he looks off somewhere else.]

Just… don't get too comfortable with it.

[Don't be like him.]

[tempredmental]

[Keith took a long pull, and then coughed. He shook his head as he handed it back.]

Nah... tastes like shit anyway.

[But it was fine. Once in a while...? Yeah. That was fine. He didn't want to make a habit of it, but he also just couldn't argue with the idea in the moment.]

[azurestar]

[Lance takes it back and laughs briefly under his breath when Keith coughs. Then takes another long drink and puts it back in his jacket.]

Nobody drinks it for the taste, man. And if they say they do, they're lying.

[Or pretentious. Sure, there's alcohol that has a nice taste compared to others, but if you wanted shit that tasted good first and foremost you'd probably go for something else. That's what he thinks anyway, even if he's acquired a taste for some kinds by now.

He lets out a breath and slumps more against the barn wall and tilts his head a bit to the side to rest it in the bale of hay on his other side. Already, his head's getting hazy and the things he hears start to muffle and everything mutes and becomes more vibrant in a better way. He could probably just pass out right here for a short nap before trying to coax Keith back to the house later…]