( video | un: alucard )

[ananym]

[ he really hates doing this . . . but alucard knows he needs to commit to it. the feed turns on with him looking . . . not quite sheepish, but a tinge of irritation layered with contriteness. ]

Last month, I had the unfortunate issue of losing control of my vampiric nature and lashed out onto a number of people here. I hope you would be willing to accept my apology and if not, direct me in ways where I can make amends. I . . . do not usually need or require blood as sustenance so it took me by surprise.

My apologies. If it helps, it seems I've lost my sense of taste. Perhaps that is penance in a way.

Comments

[ananym]

And that speaks volumes of you and your father.

[fogsong]

He gave up everything to protect me. He was even willing to give up his life to make sure I was safe, just like my mother had.

[ananym]

Of course he did. He was a father.

[fogsong]

Not everyone is capable of being a good parent, let alone a self-sacrificing one. Chris could have abandoned me or given me to the Order when things got tough just like my birth mother had.

[ananym]

No. But he did it because he was a parent, did he not?

[fogsong]

That, I guess, and because his wife loved me.

[ananym]

Is that not enough?

[fogsong]

More than. Did I make it seem like it wasn’t? [ if so, it wasn’t her intention. ]

[ananym]

No, but I am sure there are other people just like them. Who have to make incredible and difficult choices.

[fogsong]

[ ah ] Do you think people like that are common?

[ananym]

Not common, but it is important to recognize their existence. Even if we do not always see them.

[fogsong]

I do recognize their existence but that doesn’t change anything, not for me.

[ananym]

[ he falls silent for a bit. alucard isn't one to lecture and if that's what she's decided, he'll leave it at that. it's a grim world, but it is a choice. ]

I see.

[fogsong]

[ she frowns ] You think it should, don’t you?

[ananym]

I firmly believe it is your choice.

But it is a lonely one.

[fogsong]

[ it's her turn to fall quiet for a time. ]

...it's hard to feel any other way. It doesn't feel like a choice.

[ananym]

It may not.

[ like what happened after taka and sumi. you want to feel validated in your grief and pain. drink it away. keep your borders closed. ]

But that does not change the fact that it is one.

[fogsong]

It feels like it's a choice they made for me.

[ananym]

Then take it back.

[fogsong]

[ she almost tells him easier said than done but instead what comes out is an almost desperate: ] How?

[ananym]

[ there's a long pause. it's a difficult answer, an imperfect one at best. it took him some time to untangle what taka and sumi had done and if it hadn't been for greta and her hour of need . . . ]

What path do you wish to take your life to?

[fogsong]

Before I came here, to Trench, I would have told you I just wanted a normal life. Always running, always having to watch your back, never knowing who you can trust... It exhausts the life out of you.

But now? I don't know. I just... I just walk whatever path is in front of me. Whatever path others think I should.

[ananym]

I know that feeling. For me, it was always the battle. Being there for people in need. As my mother would have wanted.

But it is hard to untangle the legacies of the past from your own. At the very least, I know what I do not wish to do and it is a start.

[fogsong]

That's... You make a good point. I don't know if I even know that yet, what I want and don't want comes and goes like I'm more than one person on the inside, but you've given me something to think about at least. Maybe it'll help.

Do you mind if I ask... what you don't wish to do?

[ananym]

. . . As I am bound to my mother's legacy, there is also my father's. When she passed, he went mad with grief and anger.

He would have wiped all of humanity from the world.