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THIS IS BIOLOGICAL FUCKING WARFARE.
THIS IS A COMPLETE DECONSTRUCTION OF BODILY AUTONOMY.
SOME MAY EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO SAY THIS IS AN ACTUAL HATE CRIME. FOR I, ABOVE ALL ELSE, FEEL ESPECIALLY HATED RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS A HEINOUS ACT OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER AND THERE WILL BE GREAT RETRIBUTION, MARK MY WORD.

DO NOT ASK ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT AS IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. I JUST WANTED TO ANNOUNCE MY DISSATISFACTION WITH THE CURRENT SITUATION TO THE WORLD AND SOCIAL MEDIA IS A VALID FORM OF PUBLIC DESPAIR. IF YOU DISAGREE I HAVE AN INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC PLACE WHERE YOU CAN "SHOVE IT" AS THEY SAY. MY DESPAIR IS CERTIFIABLE AND THIS DEERNET PLACE IS NOW MY PARTY WHERE I CAN FUCKING CRY IF I WANT TO.

NOT THAT I AM CRYING. THAT WOULD BE FOR SOMEONE EMOTIONALLY WEAKER THAN I, WHICH I HAVE NEVER BEEN EMOTIONALLY WEAK AT A SINGLE MOMENT IN MY ENTIRE LIFESPAN.

IF YOU DISLIKE IT, THEN YOU CAN FUCKING BLOCK ME AND GET OVER YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN CORNER OF THE INTERNET. EAT MY ENTIRE FUCKING BULGE. EXCEPT DO NOT. TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS NOT A COME-ON OF ANY KIND. I WILL BURY YOU IN THE MISERABLE SANDS FROM WHICH WE HAVE BEEN REINCARNATED AND YOU WILL NOT REAWAKEN. FOR I WILL BE STANDING THERE TO CUT YOU DOWN THE MOMENT YOU OPEN YOUR EYES. SO, LITERALLY, YOU WILL NOT SEE IT AGAIN. THEORETICALLY. I CANNOT ACTUALLY TRULY ANTICIPATE THE EXACT SECOND YOU OPEN YOUR EYES BUT I WILL BE PREPARED ALL THE SAME.

*I WILL NOT BE CENSORED.*

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i'm from the really boring human world, i'm afraid. some people here are from places with superpowers and shit. not me.

why would you want to slaughter the masses? that's dumb. if you slaughter anybody you gotta slaughter the elites!

uhm
that's not what semen means.
but okay maybe you have a point! ok so everyone who was in that town are all shitting their pants over it being october so i guess they know something really bad is coming? seems ok so far tho.

d&d. which hey fuck you i like d&d! i used to play an elf.

ohhh oh. you think i'd be a seer? that feels so mystical. but yeah, you'll have to tell me when you figure me out.

i meant pure not in a moral sense, to be clear, just like i feel my human bullshit muddies things a little is all. is your biology super different?

dude human attraction is definitely fucking weird. and no, not heterosexual.

WHAT A WASTE OF EXISTENCE YOUR HUMAN LIFE MUST BE WITH NO POWERS IN IT. I AM SORRY YOU HAVE TO SUFFER SUCH WEAKNESS. IT REMINDS ME OF ME IN MY YOUTH.

(Karkat doesn't actually mean to be this rude sometimes. It's just his ever-loving personality, honest.)

I FORGET YOU HUMANS ARE EXTREMELY SOFT IN NATURE. FOR US, WHEN WE PUPATE AND GAIN OUR LIMBS, WE MUST FACE DEADLY TRIALS. IF WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THEM, THEN WE ARE CHOSEN BY A MONSTROUS CREATURE TO HELP RAISE US INTO ADULTHOOD. WE REGULARLY EAT OUR OWN YOUNG IF THEY FAIL MISERABLY IN THEIR TRIALS OR THE ONES WHO ARE CULLED BEFORE THEY CAN EVEN BEGIN. WEAKNESS IS NOT AN OPTION.

ANYWAY, YOU AREN'T WRONG. SLAUGHTERING THE ELITES WOULD BE MUCH MORE IMPRESSIVE. PERHAPS ONE CAN SLAUGHTER THE ELITES AND THEN ALSO THEIR MASSES WHO WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THEM. THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EFFICIENT PLAN.

THE PEOPLE FROM THE SHITTY TOWN SOUND COWARDLY AND INEXPERIENCED. EVERY MONTH IS A SHITTY MONTH.

DOES D&D STAND FOR "DORKS & DORKIERS" HAHA! I AM JUST KIDDING. I KNOW IT STANDS FOR "DICKS & DRAGONS." ELF? THE LITTLE SUSPICIOUS CREATURES WHO ARE PUT UPON SHELVES TO HAUNT HUMAN CHILDREN IN THEIR SLEEP? THEIR LONG NOODLE LIMBS HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP SOMETIMES.

IT IS QUITE MYSTICAL, YES.

OH. IT MIGHT. HUMANS DO SEEM TO HAVE COMPLEX SOCIAL CONCEPTS AROUND ATTRACTION. I AT TIMES FEEL BAD FOR YOUR KIND AS IT SEEMS TO CRIPPLE MANY OF YOU ROMANTICALLY AND LEAVE YOU FEELING DEEPLY INSECURE ABOUT COMPLETELY NATURAL FEELINGS.

MY BIOLOGY IS DEFINITELY DIFFERENT, YES. HUMAN MALES AND ALTERNIAN MALES HAVE VERY LITTLE IN COMMON. I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH HUMAN FEMALE ANATOMY, BUT FROM MY UNDERSTANDING, THERE ARE DRASTIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HUMAN MALE GENITALIA AND HUMAN FEMALE GENITALIA. THERE ARE FEW DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALTERNIAN SEXES SINCE WE DO NOT CARRY OUR OWN CHILDREN. WE DO NOT REALLY EVEN HAVE THE HUMAN CONCEPT OF "CHILDREN" ACTUALLY OR FAMILY UNITS. WE DO NOT EVEN HAVE PARENTAL INSTINCTS. OUR GENETIC MATERIAL IS PUT INTO A BUCKET AND BROUGHT TO THE MOTHER GRUB. IT IS ALL VERY DETACHED. WE DO NOT EVEN HAVE TRUE GENETIC FAMILIAL LINEAGES.

MY OLD BOYFRIEND WAS A HUMAN AND HE ONCE TOLD ME THAT OUR REPRODUCTION WAS LIKE IF YOU PUT "A BUNCH OF CUM INTO A VAT AND MIXED IT ALTOGETHER." I DO NOT THINK IT IS THE SAME THING, BUT IF YOU WANTED A MENTAL IMAGE, PLEASE IMAGINE THAT BUT MUCH MORE COLORFUL THAN YOUR CLEAR WHITE REPRODUCTIVE FLUIDS.

yeah. normally i never noticed but i spent a few moths hanging out with space wizards and crap. think i developed a complex.

ok yeah that sounds a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle more extreme than my bar mitzvah.

i'm all for more power to the people. not so big on the slaughtering in general tho, sorry. guess i am pretty soft.

[Okay, that sort of nihilism is actually kind of relatable, even if Kyle strives to be an optimist.]

every month can be, yeah.

oh no not that kind of elf, the cool kind with pointy ears and like, grace and dexterity and oneness with nature and shit.

some of us are 100% romantically crippled, yup. it's stupid.

yeah we're pretty different cos of the biology, at least in the genitals. not enough for all the cultural shit we put on it, mind you.

okay wow that's graphic. but it gets the point across very well. i think the idea of not having a family really fucks me up, tho. i'm really close to mine. i miss them a lot, especially my little brother. altho technically we don't share any genetics at all cos he's adopted.

WIZARDS WILL ABSOLUTELY DO THAT TO YOU. DO NOT FEEL TOO INFERIOR. YOUR PERSONALITY IS MUCH BETTER THAN A WIZARD'S. THEY ARE ASSHOLES.

WHAT IS A BAR MITZVAH AND HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU USUALLY KILL DURING IT?

IT IS OKAY. I USED TO BE MUCH MORE OBNOXIOUS ABOUT MURDER WHEN I WAS SMALLER. IT IS ONLY COOL IN SPECIFIC SITUATIONS.

LIKE THE ONES FROM THE MOVIE ABOUT THE MASTER OF THE RINGS? THE ONE WITH THE VERY ATTRACTIVE BLOND ELF WITH THE EYES AND THE BOW AND ARROW? DOES THAT MEAN YOU HAVE POINTY EARS?

TO BE COMPLETELY FAIR, I TOO AM ROMANTICALLY CRIPPLED. AND MOST OF MY ROMANTIC HUMILIATION IS WELL DOCUMENTED ONLINE. BUT IT IS NOT CRIPPLED IN THE WAY HUMAN ROMANCE IS CRIPPLED. I FEEL LIKE I AM SAYING CRIPPLED TOO MUCH.

YES, IT SEEMS YOUR KIND IS VERY OBSESSED WITH SUBJECTING THE FEMALE OF YOUR SPECIES TO BIZARRELY UNIQUE TORTURES. THOUGH NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, MY RACE IS VERY MUCH THE SAME ONLY INSTEAD OF TORTURING EACH OTHER OVER SEX WE DO IT OVER BLOOD. BIGOTRY MUST TRANSCEND ALL CIVILIZATIONS.

DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL REPRODUCTION USUALLY IS, YES. SEX EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT.

YOUR FEELINGS OF ATTACHMENT TO YOUR FAMILY SEEM TO BE COMPLETELY NORMAL AND VALID FOR YOUR KIND. I CANNOT IMAGINE IT, BUT I DO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO MISS SOMEONE TERRIBLY. I AM SORRY THEY ARE NOT HERE.

IF YOU SAY HE IS YOUR BROTHER THEN THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. MAYBE HE WILL STILL ARRIVE.

i kind of agree.

oh no killing anybody sorry. it's a religious and cultural coming of age ritual. after it you're responsible for your own actions and you're considered a full member of the community. but you don't kill anything you just have to memorize some stuff and read some crap in front of people and do a project.

yeah! exactly! i love those movies and books! and no, i have round ones that stick out.

ugggh online is forever, i feel you. how are you fucked up? (instead of crippled lol)

i don't know why we do it. like humans treat each other like shit over gender and sexuality and religion and ethnicity. we're not good.

it is.

yeah? thanks dude.

i kinda hope he stays where he's safe.

I WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. THE IDEA OF HAVING TO MEMORIZE SOMETHING AND RECITE IT IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IS A LOT MORE INTIMIDATING THAN HAVING TO KILL SOME MONSTERS AFTER YOU FIND YOUR ARMS. HOW DID YOURS GO? DID YOU SLAUGHTER THE MASSES METAPHORICALLY WITH YOUR RELIGIOUSLY MEANINGFUL WORDS?

THEY ARE A PRODUCT OF GENIUS HUMAN TALENT, I WILL ADMIT. THE EPIC LOVE STORY MOVES ME DEEPLY. IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WEEP.

MY EARS ARE POINTED AND ALSO STICK OUT.

TROLL ROMANCE IS COMPLICATED. I MISREAD TROLLS AND HUMANS A LOT. I AM WHAT THEY WOULD CALL "SOCIALLY INEPT" IN CASE YOU HAVE NOT PICKED UP WHAT I HAVE PUT DOWN YET. I USED TO BE WORSE, BUT I STILL MISINTERPRET EVERYTHING. I ALREADY THOUGHT YOU WERE PALE FLIRTING WITH ME EARLIER. I BURN FOR THE ULTIMATE ROMANCE AND TEND TO OVERANALYZE EVERYTHING. BUT I ALSO HAVE A TENDENCY TO SELF-EXPLODE MY OWN OPPORTUNITIES. I AM AN ASSHOLE, BASICALLY. AND I AM OBSESSIVE AND INAPPROPRIATE AS ALL FUCK.

PLUS THE WHOLE BLOOD THING BUT THAT IS ANOTHER SOB STORY FOR ANOTHER SOB SESSION.

HATE IS A POWERFUL EMOTION. IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE EMOTIONS, BUT I DO NOT LIKE THE EMPTY HATE OF BIGOTRY LIKE THAT. IT IS BASELESS. HATE SHOULD BE "PURE" (HA!) IN THAT YOU HATE SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY ARE A PERFECT RIVAL FOR YOU - NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE THEM AS "DIFFERENT" OR "LESS THAN." THAT IS PATHETIC AND INAUTHENTIC HATRED.

I WOULD TYPICALLY SAY THAT A LITTLE DANGER IS HEALTHY FOR ONE'S PERSONAL GROWTH, BUT TO RESPECT YOUR CULTURAL DIFFERENCES I WILL INSTEAD SAY THAT I HOPE HE STAYS WHERE HE IS SAFE AND SOFT TOO. SO HE CAN REMAIN A WEAK HUMAN IGNORANT OF VIOLENCE. IS THAT NICE SOUNDING? I AM BEING SINCERE IN CASE THAT WASN'T OBVIOUS. THIS IS NOT SARCASTIC. NEITHER WAS THAT. OR THAT.

OR THAT.

i did good actually! i was so so nervous but i totally didn't fuck it up! and my project went well too - i did a book drive. which is so dorky.

the love story? you mean sam and frodo?

that sounds cool tho.

dude i'm kinda socially inept too so i get it. i'm sorry you haven't had the ultimate romance yet. i only ever have had one proper romance if it makes you feel better, and only recently.

you can tell me all about it sometime. i have a lot of experience with sad bois.

i am kind of worried that i understand what you're saying perfectly. i spent most of my life with a rival.

haha thanks dude :)

CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING AN ADULT IN YOUR SOCIETY.

OBVIOUSLY. IT IS THE LOVE STORY OF THE AGES. TRANSCENDS EVERY QUADRANT. THEIR JOURNEY TOGETHER IS EVERY ROMANTIC'S DREAM IS IT NOT. HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO TRAVEL ACROSS A WARTORN LAND WITH A SPECIFIC GOAL IN MIND AND COMPLETELY DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THE PERSON CARRYING THAT CAUSE?

MY GANDERBULBS ARE STARTING TO LEAK JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

I HAVE HAD AN ULTIMATE ROMANCE FROM ANOTHER TIMELINE FROM THIS. I WILL FONDLY REMEMBER IT FOREVER AND MISS IT AND PROBABLY CRY ABOUT IT A LOT. BUT APPARENTLY, THIS TIMELINE HAS DIFFERENT PLANS FOR MY TENDER HEART. MINE WAS ALSO RECENT. WHAT WAS YOUR ROMANCE LIKE?

SAD BOIS?

THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE THE IDEAL KISMESIS. I ENVY YOU. THAT iS NOT EASY TO FIND. THEY MOTIVATE YOU TO BE A BETTER PERSON BY AGGRAVATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND CHALLENGING YOU IN WAYS OTHER RELATIONSHIPS WOULDN'T. IT IS PERFECTLY HEALTHY IF DONE RIGHT.

3:D

thank you.

i mean i'm not super fond of the wartorn part, but the rest? yeah, it's kind of awesome sounding.
what 'quadrants' do you mean?

i'm sorry for your heartbreak.
it was kinda weird i guess because it started in a fake reality? like we thought we'd lived whole other lives and so it felt like i'd known him for a long time. but when we woke up from it i still liked him and he actually liked me back, which is a novelty. he was way too cool and hot for me.

i'm just teasing. i mean like if you're really sad about things and need to talk about it.

you think so? i've always thought and been told it would be better not to feel that way. but i'll admit sometimes i do sort of miss it. which i figured is fucked up.

THE WARTORN PART PROVIDES THE ROMANTIC BACKDROP. IT RAISES THE STAKES.

TROLLS HAVE DIFFERENT VARIATIONS OF ROMANCE THAT ARE ORGANIZED INTO QUADRANTS. THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM HENCE THE "QUAD". I COULD DRAW YOU A CHART IF IT WAS SOMETHING YOU WERE ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT.

THANK YOU. I AM HONESTLY TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE OR RIP MY OWN SKIN OFF AND EAT IT OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DISTURBING AND HIDEOUSLY VIOLENT.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAKE REALITY. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ENTERED A BIZARRE TIMELINE. IF YOU FEEL YOU HAD LIVED IT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE LIVED IT. I AM SORRY. THAT SOUNDS BOTH EXCRUCIATINGLY TRAGIC AND EQUAL PARTS ROMANTIC.

MY BOYFRIEND WAS ALSO WAY TOO COOL AND HOT FOR ME BUT ALSO IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE I EVER SAID THAT, ESPECIALLY HIM IF HE SHOWS UP, I WILL KILL YOU AND ALSO YOUR CHERISHED FAMILY.

WELL. THANK YOU.

HUMANS ARE OBSESSED WITH DENYING THEIR FEELINGS, I SWEAR. IF YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO FEEL THEM THEN WHY DO YOU FEEL THEM? IT DOES NOT SEEM FUCKED UP. IT IS ONLY FUCKED UP IF ONE OF YOU WAS ACTUALLY GENUINELY SUPERIOR AND JUST TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE OTHER AND ABUSING THE OTHER FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY.

ok in fiction i can agree, yeah, it does. in reality i think it might just stress me out too much to enjoy the romance.

i'm always interested to learn new stuff, dude.

yeah. yeah, i get that feeling. and thanks, i kinda do feel like it totally counts but i know some people don't. hell, he didn't think it counted at first so. and i promise not to tell anybody you said that about your boyfriend.

yeah. yeah, we are. i don't think either of us were superior exactly. i mean, i think i was morally, but it's not like i had any real power over him. he did try to kill me a lot, but he also saved my life so. i dunno. i don't think i've ever met anybody else who understood that sort of relationship.

SO SOFT. LIKE A LITTLE WRIGGLER.

I SHALL PREPARE EXTENSIVE CHARTS THEN. PLAN AN ENTIRE LESSON TO SIT DOWN FOR. MAYBE EVEN AN ENTIRE SEMESTER.

PART OF ME FEELS LIKE IT WAS ONLY IN DUE TIME SOMETHING DESTROYED MY ROMANTIC LIFE. THAT WAS HOW IT WAS ALL THE TIME BEFORE HIM. IT WAS POSSIBLY NAIVE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING COULD LAST. NOW I AM STARTING TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. IGNORE MY PITY PARTY THAT I DID NOT EVEN SEND RSVPS FOR.

AT LEAST HE RESOLVED HIS FEELINGS. WHAT WAS THE FOOL'S NAME?

THAT IS HOW THAT TYPICALLY GOES. MANY ATTEMPTS OF MURDER, BUT IT IS ABOUT FINDING THE EXACT RIGHT MURDER. IRONICALLY, YOUR KISMESIS WILL PROBABLY SAVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE PURELY BECAUSE THEY HAVE A SPECIFIC IDEA OF HOW YOU DESERVE TO DIE AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO HONOR THAT, INCLUDING SAVING YOUR LIFE SO THEY CAN ACCOMPLISH IT.

CONGRATULATIONS. I AM KNOWN AS SOMETHING OF A RELATIONSHIP GURU AMONG MY FRIENDS. GRANTED, THEY RARELY EVER ACTUALLY ASKED FOR MY OPINION, BUT I GAVE IT ANYWAY.

lol fuck you

i'd legit like that.

it's ok, i don't mind. i kind of feel the same way tbh. this guy was literally the only one to ever like me back.

tommy shepherd. he wasn't human.

that's exactly it!! he straight up told me once that nobody was allowed to kill me but him.

you just see clearly.

FUCK *YOU.*

REALLY? WELL. ALL RIGHT THEN. YOU REALLY WOULD BE A SEER. I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE PREPARATIONS ARE DONE.

HOW VERY IRONIC. MY BOYFRIEND WAS A HUMAN AND I, OBVIOUSLY, AM NOT. CROSS-SPECIES RELATIONSHIPS ARE INVALUABLE. I APPRECIATE HOW OPEN-MINDED YOU ARE.

YES, YOU TRULY ARE EXPLAINING AN IDEAL BLACK ROMANCE.

I ENJOY RELATIONSHIPS AND TRY TO APPROACH THEM WITH AS LEAST BIAS AS POSSIBLE, I SUPPOSE.

no u.

awesome, i eagerly await.

it was pretty weird. he was really fast and his brother was some sort of hyperpowered witch or whatever, so i was kinda like... do you know superman? in the comics he had a dumbshit human sidekick named jimmy olsen. that was basically me.

ok thinking about ANY form of romance with my old frenemy kinda makes me want to set my skin on fire.

well, they're really important. interpersonal connection is what gives most people a sense of belonging in the world. when you're all alone it's easy to lose sight of why you're doing whatever you're alive to do.

[Rereading that, Kyle feels suddenly overwhelmingly depressed. It's a feeling he knew very well in University, one that had faded some being engaged in trying to help people on Agra-10. And now here he was again, more or less purposeless.

Annoyed at himself, he resolved to go to the Archive more this week, dig into more books about blood types.]

DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES OF HIM? YES, I KNOW OF SUPERMAN. HUMANITY'S BONER FOR THEIR DREAM OF A COMPASSIONATE GOD-LIKE BEING BLESSING THEM WITH HIS ABILITIES. ALTHOUGH IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN HE ORIGINALLY STARTED AS AN EVIL OPPRESSIVE BASTARD.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. MY BOYFRIEND WAS A TIME-TRAVELING BADASS AND I WAS JUST HERE SCREAMING AND TRYING TO HERD MY FRIENDS LIKE PURRBEASTS.

HUMANS HAVE A VERY ISOLATED IDEA OF ROMANCE.

RELATIONSHIPS DEFINE WHO WE ARE. THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. YOU ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT. WITHOUT EACH OTHER, WE MIGHT AS WELL BE MINDLESS AMOEBAS WAITING TO DIE. IT IS MY OPINION THAT WE ARE ALIVE TO BE WITH ONE ANOTHER.

Edited 2021-10-10 20:20 (UTC)

no.
did he? i was never a big fan. but i don't think it's bad for humans to desire compassion.

i definitely scream and herd people a lot, too.

yeah, we probably do. sorry.

i'd agree with that. that's why we have friends and make families and communities. it's important.

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text | un: CARCINOGENETICIST

cw: vague cancer mention but also not at all ..the normal kind

cw: cannibalism, killing babies, extremely literal talk of reproductive organs

cw: cannibalism, killing babies, extremely literal talk of reproductive organs

Re: cw: cannibalism, killing babies, extremely literal talk of reproductive organs

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