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video; un: padlocks

I have made my warning to a handful of you before, but there are many that I've yet to meet. And so, this is primarily to those who do not know me.

I am something to be wary of. 'Tis not meant as a threat, but a matter of what I am. Call it what you shall, be it a curse or condition, but the brand on my head is not for display only. Many would call me an abomination where I am from, and it is not far from the truth.

I fight back the instincts of a demon inside of me. I hold it back by whatever means I am able, with my will and the bonds I take with me. With years of practice, I am typically able to hold it back, but there can never be a promise of my willpower. If there comes a time in which this beast emerges and I transform, I do not expect mercy on my behalf.

I understand that there are some with a similar situation as myself, or that you have experienced enough horrors to be prepared for it. Making demands of a person is impossible, I know that, but I want to be clear that I am a thing to be careful with.

...Thank you for listening. Be well, friends and strangers alike.

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It is a nicer way to phrase what truly happened, but... yes. The order of our church thought that if I repented for my sins, then I would be freed of this creature.

I think you and I both know it is hardly so simple.

[Bigby has no desire to trouble someone with his woes. Besides, as he watches this man, he can see familiar struggles with him.]

How long have you struggled with this?

( What the fuck.... Peter's expression visibly shifts into one of a quiet horror at the thought. A church tried to make him repent... What did they do to him?

And one word sticks out in his mind. Sins. Slowly, the teen eases long arms around himself, as though physically cold. )

It's been a couple years. A little over two, I think. ( His mind, and therefore perception of time, has been... very strange, ever since the deaths of his family and Paimon's rebirth into his body. Sometimes he's not sure if it's been years or days. )

What about you...?

Too fresh into your body, then. I only wish that so many did not share similarities with my curse. I am sorry.

[Ah. Bigby's eyes go downcast.]

Decades. I am... much older than I appear.

( Decades.... Peter can imagine what it's like to live years and years like this.

....And it's his future too, isn't it? This can't... be fixed, or at least so far as he knows. He's either going to fade away entirely, lose himself to his demon the way he was fated to, or.... he won't, and every day is going to be a struggle, more and more pieces of himself chiseled down, and this man serves as a reminder of that. It's clear how... wounded he is. Worn down. )

I'm sorry, too.

( Peter looks genuinely miserable as he says it, voice soft and sad. He's very sorry. )

Has there been anyone to... help you through it? So that you haven't been dealing with it all alone?

I believe you.

[This boy is so raw in his hurt, the misery. If Bigby could, he would relieve him of his demon. No one should have to bear this burden, let alone someone so young. It aches his heart to see this.]

Only in the last year. Small things, really, but they still mean much to me.

A musician's art put me at ease. Even kindness lessened the bite of the monster somewhat. A comrade's loyal hound and her soft fur. Things of that nature.

What is your name, young man?

( Peter listens with his quiet brand of intensity: cautious, shy, and yet there's a desperation that persists — he hangs onto every word and absorbs them, his eyes wide and dark. )

I understand. I... get that.

( He can relate to those things too, to the concept of them. His past two years in the town before this one in which he learned of his own beast's existence and some of its truths... were hard, but through it there have been.... things that helped. Music sometimes settles Paimon, too. Art, crafts — the gentleness of others. Hands cupping his face, coaxing the demon within down. )

I'm Peter. ( Said softly, voiced almost like a confession. There's a shame that forever clings to him, a deep guilt, almost as though apologetic of his own name, his own existence. Even sharing it makes him feel a strange little ache, no matter how many times he does. )

Peter Graham. What's... yours?

Hello, Peter.

[It's something he can relate to, even just a bit. His own name mattered little in the minds of others, his brand meaning more than anything else. Abomination. Defined only by that alone.

But like it or not with the rest of the world, individuals such as Peter and himself are still people.]

Bigby.

I know we are barely past being strangers, but please. Feel encouraged to speak to me, if you need. If nothing else, I want my experience to be of use to others who are in a similar state of things. If I can ease your burdens, I would like to.

( The exchange of names means something, simple as it may seem in any other situation. But isn't simple, not to him — it's opening up a certain doorway, making a connection with someone else who's like him, in ways. He isn't sure how alike the other man's situation may be, or how it may differ, but at the core of it? It's a same category, a likeness. )

Hi, Bigby. ( Said with a quiet, shy smile. )

Thank you. That... means a lot. I um... I was hiding it? For a long time. But lately, I've been thinking that it might be more dangerous to hide it? So... talking to people like— like you. It helps.

( The young man rambles a little, fingers fiddling in his lap. He wants to offer something too, some kind of... help, if he can. )

I live with a witch, and she.... she can make things to help. Uh— like calming draughts? Would you like one? For when things get... especially bad.

[In return, he does offer a smile. Though it is tired, it is still genuine.]

I can understand feeling the need to hide it from others. To be more accepted, less feared. However, I find that there is much trouble with not being more forthcoming, or at least it was true for me.

It is my hope you will find the ability to share more with others when you are ready to do so. But I will do everything I can to guide you.

[The offer makes him pause.]

So long as she would not oppose you sharing. I could see it being helpful on... more difficult occasions.

Yeah. ( Peter agrees quietly, with a little nod. More accepted, less feared. He still... hates the thought of anyone being afraid of him. But... )

...it's kind of like... I feel like people deserve to know. You know? That way they can stay away from me if they want to.

( Though he hasn't found the courage to address it publicly like this. He is starting to tell more people, slowly. )

She definitely wouldn't mind helping— but resources are kind of limited here, so she can't make a lot. I try to save mine for emergencies. ( Which leads Peter to another thought, and his brows knit a little. )

How often does yours uh... come out?

That is much the same way that I feel. Though also mine is nothing more than a rabid beast driven by its own lust for violence and hunger. It cannot be reasoned with. As such, if it does emerge, I want others to know what they would be confronted with.

[He nods faintly.]

I understand. In any case, I have had time to mostly find ways to control this fiend. If you can spare anything, I will graciously accept, but do not feel as if you must, Peter.

Mm. I can... opt to transform at will, and control it for awhile. A useful thing if I were in battle. Otherwise, it doesn't usually emerge on its own. Tis harder during a moon so full, or worse if I am... more or less in danger.

( Can't be reasoned with... that's such a horrible thought. Paimon can..... certainly be violent, and brutal, but there are other sides to him, too, things Peter has learned about slowly, over time. Certain people have been able to reason with the strange lost entity locked within him, even if it still has his freakouts from time to time... )

It's definitely no problem. She would want to help; she's really good at that. And so do I— I can try to get some to you really soon.

( What he asks next is something he knows is a personal question, and he looks apologetic as he says it, hesitant and nervous and fingers fidgeting in his lap. )

Do you know if it's... aware of you? ....Angry with you? For trying to keep it controlled?

( This definitely seems a bit different from his own situation; he doesn't really transform into anything. If anything, Paimon's almost like... another personality, kind of. So Peter gently tries to learn more about Bigby's own relationship with his beast. )

Then I thank you both for your immeasurable kindness.

[The sheer eagerness from so many to come to his aid is still startling, but he is no less grateful for it. It does give a little spark, almost something like hope.]

I doubt that it is so intelligent to have a sentiment outside of its rage and hunger in general, to be honest. If it feels anything for me, it is fury. I would describe it much like being trapped in a small room with a rabid, starved dog and I have only but a twig to defend myself with.

I do know that it wishes to be uncaged. That is... the one thing we agree on.

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