text; un: taka

[retsuden]

[ There has been a great deal of things that Sasuke has learned about in the few weeks he's been here just from talking to new people. All of them have been extremely confusing concepts, like therapy and the idea that people take care of children when they don't have anyone else to take care of them.

Some of these conversations where he's learned things have ended in more questions than answers. He could ask for more clarification from the few he's already made contact with, but the more possible answers he can get, the better. He thinks.

He hopes.

This could be a mistake. ]

How would you suggest someone improve their communication skills?

If your go to response is "talk to people", spare me. I'm only interested in more thorough answers.

Comments

[onerthes]

Talk to people... more!

[Sorry, she's laughing as she types this. She needed a good laugh. But she remembered that username, and he definitely wasn't much of a talker.]

Forgive me, but you did walk right into that one, you know.

Actually, something that I think you might do is sit and listen to two people who are comfortable speaking to each other in your company. There's something to be said for watching how others do a thing.

But just as important is the ability to listen. You seem good at paying attention, but maybe try to build on that. When someone says something, ask them for details, piece by piece. You'll get a feel for what they want to talk about. It might help you know what you want to talk about?

[retsuden]

Trying to attempt to ward off useless answers isn't walking right into a joke. It's the party who cracks it having annoyingly predictable bad taste.

[ The unrecognized victim of the Uchiha clan was Sasuke's sense of humor. Though this is also how he talks to people he likes so it's really unclear whether he's actually annoyed here. ]

I don't know people well enough to do something like that yet, but I will keep it in mind.

Can't asking for too many details seem like an interrogation?

[onerthes]

Tut tut. You should hear my 'dad jokes.' I'm told I have truly terrible taste in humor. Really should get ahead of that.

[Not that shit again, Vira-Lorr...]

Please. It's only an interrogation if you're intent on interrogating a person. For example, if someone told you that they liked Fetuccini more than Rotini, you might ask them 'really? What is it you like more about it?' That sort of questioning doesn't really sound like interrogation unless you make it sound like you are fact-finding.

The goal here is for you to try and listen for what they wish to talk about, and then let them open up more about it. You're listening, but you're listening actively instead of passively, right?

[retsuden]

I don't think I even want to know what a dad joke is.

I wasn't aware there were multiple ways to listen. What is the difference?

[onerthes]

[She'd spare him the explanation of those kinds of jokes, particularly as she made enough of them herself.]

Let me ask you this, because this will help you understand the distinction between different kinds of listening.

When you listen to someone, why do you do it?

[retsuden]

It depends on the situation. Usually because they're providing me with information.

[onerthes]

So. You might have trouble believing this. But what I'm about to say is from my experience after years in a military career as a general.

You're not on assignment. Stop that.

If you want to learn how to communicate, you're going to want to learn to care about the person that you're communicating with. You don't have to love them, or want to be their best friend, and it might not even be a long time that you know each other. But you're not looking for intel or information to file away so much as you are just getting to know the other person.

I've had friends a little like you before. They had trouble opening up, making friends, because they were all business, all the time. Different sorts, different reasons. But they began to have an easier time when they tried to say 'why might I want to talk to this person, if I wasn't on a job?'

You don't do much that isn't involved in whatever work you do, do you?

[retsuden]

What id the answer is that I wouldn't talk to them if it wasn't for the job?



















No. I don't.

[onerthes]

[God, he was as bad as Ladius in some ways. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was going to be a process, she could just feel it.]

To tell you the truth? There's probably a lot of people you won't ever actually care about if you're not on a mission together. There just are. But that doesn't mean everyone is like that. There are still people whose company you might come to appreciate after the mission is done.

You can never know who those are, if you don't listen to them with the intent of knowing things about them that have nothing to do with weaknesses, advantages, military training and the like. Part of communicating is listening to what 'they' care to talk about, not what 'you' need to learn from them.

Are you ever curious about 'why' people do things?

[retsuden]

Not particularly. In my experience, people will tell you why they're doing something in their own time. Especially if you've made it clear you don't actually care to know.

[onerthes]

[Yes, but he was the one who was asking... GAH! Stubborn boy.]

Well yes, if you want to be alone most of your life, that's probably pretty effective. That would put anyone who wasn't devoted to you off the trail pretty quickly. But now you're asking how to communicate better.

So, now you can't actually say that you don't actually care to know. Because you want to know how to communicate better with others. You have to actually start to care to know.

private

[retsuden]

[ Ugh fuck does this mean he has to explain himself??? It's true he's said he wants to do this because he wants to make allies, but that's only maybe .5% of his real concern. He takes a deep breath, before quickly switching this to private so that a particular pink haired individual doesn't see. ]

I'm not asking because I truly care about getting to know people. I'm asking so that I can improve my communication with a specific individual who I already care about.

[onerthes]

Oh gods, I'd say "Why didn't you just fucking say so" but you switched this to private. That means you must not want this person to know this is about them. Gah. Well, first off, I do think you need to pull your head out of your ass a little and get to know a few people in town. But that's a personal opinion. Take that as you will.

I'm NOT the best person to help with this, but I can help as much as I'm able. First of all, what problem are you having with them. And, just as importantly, are you intimate with this person?

[retsuden]

I've been getting to know people whether I wanted to or not. There seem to be multiple individuals in this city who don't listen to the words "I'm not interested."

No. We've only just become friends again back home after a very long period of ... complications. As well as my being on a mission for the last two years.

[onerthes]

Welcome to Trench, Sasuke. A city where survival depends on keeping your friends close, and the idiots closer, so they don't drag us all down with them.

Ok, so this is a friend, not someone you are romantically interested in. Alright. I'm going to assume the complications are part of the problem, but we're going to talk about your communication skills. When you try to speak with them, you're obviously NOT on a mission right now. How do you try to talk to them?

Do you ask them how their day was, at least, when you see them? Take an interest in what they did, share a little of what you did?

[retsuden]

No. We usually just go over whatever information we've found at the end of the day to be sure we're both fully informed on this place.

[ Just gonna... not correct her on that romance part, yep. YEP. ]

Would whatever information you give me be different if she were more than a friend?

[onerthes]

Right. Once again. You're not on assignment. But you're also checking in every night, so include with your check ins a wellness check. Are they ok? Did they have trouble? This place can be dangerous at times, so start by seeing if anything bad or good happened to them. Ease into asking "So how was your day."

Are they as bad at this as you are?

[...]

Would you like me to give you a "Theoretical" discussion about how this might be complicated if the two of you secretly wanted to share a bed, but weren't doing so currently?

Not that this is happening. No, this isn't happening. You're only asking me hypotheticals because I mentioned them. Clearly.

[She really wanted to punch him right now. This was like pulling teeth.]

[retsuden]

No. She struggled some when we were children, but she figured out how to navigate these things a long time ago. She cares deeply about everyone she meets.

... Why do you equate romance with sex so quickly? I've no intention of being intimate with anyone until I'm married.

[onerthes]

[...]

You know what? That's fair. I shouldn't. Let me rephrase.

Would you like a hypothetical explanation of if you two both harbor feelings for each other, but have not acted on them yet?

Sex aside, because that just intensifies the emotional topics. It doesn't actually change them much.

[retsuden]

Yes, I would like an explanation.

[onerthes]

Alright. You and this girl are in love. But, where she is able to relate to others, and cares openly and deeply for many people? You are a person who is focused on the task at hand, the work that is put before you and you have trouble relating to people outside of that work.

Yet, you want to communicate better. That's an indication that you feel 'something' for her, even if you really aren't prepared to handle it. You're trained to kill, to fight, to whatever it is you're trained for. War's just common. You know that. You don't know love.

My first suggestion is that you speak to her the way that you do. bluntly. Candidly. Directly. Don't try to be someone else, because you can't, and if she fell in love with you, she fell in love with who you are. Not who you'd want to be for her. that's a starting point.

Try to openly, directly, one night ask her to listen and tell her that you want to try and communicate better. Go ahead and feel awkward about it because it's going to be awkward as fucking hell. Tell her that you're not good at this, but that you want to try to get better at it with her. Don't say "I love you" or anything like that. take your time with that. Start by asking what she might be comfortable talking about, that isn't "Status report. trench. day 12 of being trapped in this insane city. Encountered new people. Blood corruption appears to be..."

Each of us communicates differently, but if she's already got emotions wrapped up around you, and you've got any wrapped up around inside, the starting point is to admit to yourself you have them? And then tell her you want to be better at this.

From there, we can get into some of the rest. But this is where I suggest you start. As you, unable to speak about any emotions or desires outside of the mission at all, telling someone you've worked with that you would like to talk about something else with them.

[retsuden]

And the hypothetical where I feel more strongly for her than she does for me?

Before this place, we hadn't spoken in two years.

If she had feelings [ """"IF"""" like she didn't confess to him multiple times just before he left. ] two years without contact could change a number of things. I don't even know if she would still consider me a friend.

In that situation, it would be better to approach it as an attempt to rekindle a friendship first. Right?

[onerthes]

Yes. Feelings can change over time. It depends exactly how much she fell for you, and how much you fell for her. Some people only ever love once in their life, and they can't even envision another, and the mere sight of them rekindles confusing thoughts. Some? They move on, willing to try again and again until they find someone that they can be happy with. I do not know her, so I won't pretend to know.

But you could absolutely phrase this as "I want to rebuild our working relationship, after years of working apart. So, would you help build back our team camaraderie?" Or something similar. You could even phrase it as 'to be a better teammate' to start, move to friend, and let the rest come from there.

In this hypothetical, it might even be in character for you to start by phrasing it as 'being a better teammate' or something. No offense, but you don't seem the sort to get down on your knees one moonlit night and confess your feelings to someone.

[retsuden]

[ There's another one of those lengthy silences from him as he reads and rereads those words. The idea that some people love just one person. That they can't ever move on.

I have family, and I have friends but if you’re gone... To me... It will be the same as being alone...

I love you with all my heart!

Maybe he's being a fool for even daring to think that Sakura is one of those people who could try again with someone else. ]

You're right, being practical has always been my go-to and I hardly find the romantic gestures they do in the movies to fall into that category.

Thank you for the advice.

[onerthes]

One free, unsolicited bit of advice. Romance is almost never practical. Emotions don't work like that a lot of times, but I imagine if this "hypothetical" is real, you are already potentially learning that.

Good luck to both of you.