video: un; an.observer (CW: cannibal used as part of a movie genre)

[thisislife]

[Lexi's grinning because she has an Evil Idea and she can't wait to spring it on everyone else]

Okay! Most of us come from places where movies are things or you've found movies since arriving. So I have to ask, what's the shittiest movie you've ever seen?

There are three levels to this, Easy, Experienced, and Nightmare.

Easy level is, it can't have been featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. So say good-bye to "Manos: The Hands of Fate," "Red Zone Cuba," and "Eegah!"

Experienced level is, it can't have been featured on either Mystery Science Theater 3000 or on RiffTrax Live! So no "Space Mutiny" or "Starship Troopers" or "The Room" for you!

Nightmare? It's never been featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, RiffTrax Live, or on The Cinema Snob. Midnight Screenings movies are fine, but no Italian horror or Amazon cannibal movies at all! And for those of you who have never heard of the Cinema Snob and will spend the rest of the afternoon clicking through the episodes, you're welcome.

As for me? My choice is easy. "Green Lantern," starring Ryan Reynolds. I knew enough about the comics to see what they were getting wrong, but not enough to understand what the hell they were talking about the other half of the time.

Now....go!

((OOC: The Cinema Snob site is NSFW. they type while at work))

Comments

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[xiaoxiuya]

[oh boy, are we doing media criticism?? SY's time has come!!]

I've always thought Ryan Reynolds was overrated, honestly. Remember when he did that cameo in that god-awful Wolverine movie and everyone lost their minds about how there was definitely going to be a Deadpool movie in the future? Ridiculous!

But in terms of shittiest movie I've ever seen, I have a real doozy to share. A movie so bad I actually double-checked to make sure it qualified for the Nightmare tier of your list challenge, because watching this dreck was certainly a nightmare for me. Allow me to present Antichrist, directed by Lars von Trier and starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. (Side note: how freaking cool is is that we've got access to wikipedia here??? I had to take a moment to make tea and calm down after discovering that, I was so happy!!)

Now, one should hardly be surprised that a Trier-Dafoe team up would result in something bizarre and psychologically disturbing; that was actually the reason why I watched it! Additionally Dafoe has a rare talent for lending weight and dignity to even his more unusual roles [translation: SY had hearts in his eyes for a week after seeing him in Spiderman, and no he will not be admitting this!] -- buuuuut not even he could save this nonsense. Antichrist is less "bizarre" and more "laughable;" it relies too heavily on shock factors to make a point that's about as shallow as a puddle of spilled milk. If we peel back the meandering plotline and the female lead's growing hysteria, the point of the movie seems to be nothing more meaningful than "losing a kid really sucks!" which, really? 108 minutes just to say that??? Maybe in ancient historical times people were so inured to losing a child that they needed to be reminded of such things, but in this modern world sentiment if anything leans too far in the opposite direction! Come out of the stone age, Mr von Trier! And while you're at it, isn't "woman experiences loss, goes fucking crazy about it" a little outdated as a plot point???

[thisislife]

Ugh, that Wolverine movie! I thought I'd managed to erase it from my memory, but nope! Here it is again! Thanks for that. Reynold's only saving grace is that they finally did do Deadpool movies and those were great. The problem is, he seems to not know how to play anyone other than Deadpool!

Wow. I genuinely salute your dedication to the cause! And oh no! Oh no! My best friend rented that for a movie night because she heard about the ending, got bored twenty minutes in and fast-forwarded to the money shot! Cue me yelling at her for renting it for a solid half an hour straight. God, how did I forget about that?

And Willem Dafoe is awesome. So is Charlotte Gainsbourg. Unfortunately, that script was dog shit. And I know, no shit, losing a child really sucks! And you're right, that plot point is so old, it has a ZZ Top beard. von Trier really is hit or miss, To Die For was a classic, but what the hell was he thinking, doing a shot for shot remake of Psycho? If I want to watch Psycho, I'll watch the original, far better version, thank you very much! And that's not even getting into his more ~~artsy~~ movies, like Melancholia and the one Bjork was in. It doesn't help that he seems to be a total asshole in real life.

[xiaoxiuya]

They actually made the Deadpool movie??

[Wait, that's a plural. Which means...]

They made more than one????

...Well, I know what I'm doing with my weekend.

[Do they have weekends here? No matter, it's not like Shen Yuan has an actual schedule to keep.]

I am nothing if not dedicated to sharing my opinions on the internet. (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ Thanks for giving me something to talk about. You're right about how hit or miss von Trier can be, although I have to offer a small correction: the "shot for shot" Psycho remake was directed by Gus van Sant, unless this is a difference between parallel universes! God, that's a weird thought. Imagine an alternate universe where the original Psycho was shot by one of Hitchcock's contemporaries, like Billy Wilder?? I'd...actually, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Hm.

Anyway, if you want a dreamy, meandering thriller that's actually good to watch, I have a recommendation! Trollhunter seems at first like a simple student film-pastiche, about a group of kids in the Norwegian forest trying to shoot a film about their country's equivalent of parks and recreation -- and then things start getting kind of weird. And you're probably thinking, ohhhh no, Shen Yuan, wtf are you doing trying to rec some kind of Blair Witch ripoff at me? And you are WRONG to think that, because Trollhunter is to Blair Witch as the OG Psycho is to Sharknado. For one thing, in Trollhunter you actually get to see the trolls, and they are AMAZINGLY scary, the creature effects are so good without being overdone. There's this one scene where the student filmmakers are trapped in a cave with a bunch of sleeping trolls that you can hear moving around and grunting in their sleep, and one of the students starts sweating up a storm and rubbing more and more of the scent-deadening oil on his body, until the trollhunter (who is surprisingly badass for a old man with a pickup truck) asks him wtf's wrong with him and he just starts crying "I'm a Christian! I'm a Christian!"

It was previously established that Norwegian trolls really like to eat Christians for some reason, I don't know. Maybe it's a protest against the suppression of native pagan traditions or something.

Anyway then all the trolls in the cave wake up and start chasing them, and the camera starts bouncing around and you might be thinking, Shen Yuan, bro, we've seen this kind of chase sequence done thousands of times before!! And you are correct but you're also WRONG, because this time it's actually GOOD. I love this film. I'm going to go watch it again right now, fuck my roommate.

Oh, and there's also a scene where the trollhunter fights a troll that's like fifty meters high, and it's amazing. The troll barely looks fake at all, and they did such a good job with its movements. It's one of those scenes where you see a monster and the film really manages to persuade you that yeah, that monster's really there and it really is that big.

(CW: anti-Semitism)

[thisislife]

There are two so far. The latest one has both Domino and Cable and it's fucking hilarious. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Damn! I got my pretentious filmmakers screwed up! But I know von Trier did the Bjork one, mom was a huge fan of hers growing up (and let's face it, her music is pretty good) and she rented the movie Bjork was in. So disappointing! So hilarious!

And OMG, that sounds terrific! Total nightmare fuel, but terrific! And am I reading you right, they use actual practical effects instead of leaning on CGI so hard, the stick breaks? I love real effects, especially when they're done in a horror movie because it's so much harder to do that way. But so worth it. And old men can be badass, just look at Loomis in the original Halloween movies. Sucks to be that guy, though. I'm secular Jewish, the trolls would probably pass me up for some dumb, anti-Semitic reason.

Or Christians are just plain tasty. Like the Twinkies of the supernatural world. Bad for you, but sometimes you just have to have one.

I need to see this movie yesterday. The only comparison I can think of is The Descent, but unless you watch the UK version, they cop-out on the actual scary ending. Booooo! Wimps!

Holy shit thank you. Have any more recs? I'm literally waiting on pins and needles here.

Well, not literally. But psychologically.

CW: death and vore speculation

[xiaoxiuya]

What, do you want to get eaten by trolls? XD At least within the context of the movie, I think it really was just Christians...there was a short scene where they recruited this Muslim lady to be their new cameraperson after the Christian guy got eaten, and after asking her about her religion the other students turn to the trollhunter like "does that count?" and he just shrugs like "we'll find out I guess!"

...which is kind of a fucked up situation to put someone into without warning, but they were all running on that mix of trauma and that "we've GOT to see this through, we've just GOT to" attitude that people get in horror movies, you know what I mean? It'd be a much shorter movie if people got the hell out of there as soon as the first person died.

(And now I'm sitting here wondering about like, the metaphysical implications of trolls favoring adherents of this one particular religion, like...is it the Jesus? Does believing in Jesus turn people into spiritual twinkies? There are some types of ghosts that are more vulnerable to Buddhist exorcism than Daoist, but that usually has more to do with which faith the person favored when they were alive. Are trolls reincarnated humans? IS it a "Christians took over our country and fucked up our culture, so now we're going to eat them" kind of deal after all??

Times like this I'm really glad I was raised atheist, I'll say that much!)

But yeah, so far as I can tell it was mostly practical effects! Maybe some CGI to smooth away wires and zippers, but that barely counts. I'm guessing they probably used forced perspective for the giant troll scenes, like with the hobbits in Lord of the Rings? But they did a great job in any case.

I was so unlucky with The Descent, I saw the US version first and didn't even know there was another version for weeks afterwards. Weeks! It was a dark time, but not as dark as the movie. Seriously filmmakers, stop relying so much on shadow to hide the monsters! I hate it when they do that, like the ending of Quarantine? Most of us only saw that movie in the first place because we wanted to see Doug Jones do his thing, and then he only had less than 30 seconds on-screen! I actually wound up getting temp-banned from the streaming site for a while after that, I was so mad.

But okay, recs! Movies that are worth watching! Watch this space, okay, I'm going to be back with an actual list that I expect you to take as seriously as if you were getting graded on it, okay? ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

CW: death and vore speculation and Scientology. and crucifixion

[thisislife]

Maybe it's Abrahamic religions in general? Yeah, if they recruited a Buddhist, they'd be fine. Hindu? Fine. Hell, Scientologist? Much as I hate to say it, fine.

And no one wants that response! "LOL, fuck around and find out" as a plot point?! Dumb. Awful. Annoying! But since when does Earth logic apply to modern horror? Or most horror in general? I'll even expand it to books, if I was in Las Vegas in The Stand, I'd get the fuck out as soon as Randall Flagg crucified someone!

Yeah I'd be the world's worst horror movie character. "Ooops, so and so is dead, so biking out of here as fast as I can pedal, I don't care to find out about the final girl! But good luck!"

(Yes, believing in Jesus turns people into Twinkies. It serves Christianity right after it pulled basically ever other Middle Eastern and European religion into a dark alley, beating them up for loose rituals to get as many converts as possible. Signed, a secular Jewish girl who celebrates both Chanukah and Christmas. Mom always said that if the Christians could steal Christmas, we could too. And now I want a Buddhist and Daoist Ghostbusters. It would be something reasonably original, at least? Which I know Hollywood is allergic to, but they can have that idea for free.)

Holy shit, practical effects! You won me with practical effects.

The US version suuuuuuucks! But at least you eventually found the UK version. But you've got a point about it being very dark, but I assume that dark=SCARY to most directors and audiences. Even though the mutates would have been even more scary if we saw them in their pure, gory glory! I never saw Quarantine, though! And Doug Jones as in the Nostalgia Critic's brother? Santa Christ? If they fuck that over, they deserve to be ripped a new one.

I absolutely will. And I'm really looking forward to it! .•° ✿ °•.

MOVIE RECS!!!

[xiaoxiuya]

Sorry about the delay, I might've accidentally refreshed the wrong tab and lost my progress (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

[Also he might've had to take a minute to have a freak-out over having a positive interaction with a GIRL. A real live girl who isn't an underage student or a terrifying peak lord! His poor little Millennial heart is struggling to keep up!!]

So, knowing that you like practical effects and not knowing which movies you might've seen already, I tried to pick a mix of classics and more recent stuff -- and the classics I picked are high enough quality that even if you have seen them before, imho they're well worth watching again! I know I plan to. [Maybe Lexi will want to watch them together??? No no no, he can't possibly be so bold! Don't make it weird, SY!] I also threw in a comic book movie, since you mentioned knowing enough about Green Lantern to tell where they were fucking it up. Hope you enjoy it!

1. The Thing (1982)
A group of scientists on an isolated Antarctic research base rescue what they think is a lost dog...but the dog holds terrifying secret that may doom them all.

This movie set the benchmark for the kind of magic that can be achieved on a small budget if you just exercise some care and creativity. The iconic title sequence was achieved by filling a fishtank with smoke generated by dry ice, draping a trash bag over the top of it, and then setting the trash bag on fire. The blood-curdling sequence where a scientist gets his hands bitten off by the monster was filmed with the assistance of a disabled veteran who John Carpenter personally talent-scouted. It's true that some of the monsters may look a little cheesy to modern eyes, but they're shot with such care for maximum dramatic impact that only a soulless fool could possibly complain about that sincerely. The Thing franchise is actually a perfect demonstration in the differences in affect achieved by lovingly crafted and filmed practical effects vs soulless CGI, as the prequel made in 2011 is, to put it bluntly, a complete mess with none of the tension or charm in the original. Not even animating some of the unused monster designs from the original could save it, and that's saying something!

2. The Fly (1986)
A scientist tests experimental teleportation technology on himself, only to find himself transformed into a horrifying monstrosity that threatens all he holds dear.

If The Thing franchise is an example of how remakes and sequels go wrong, The Fly is an example of how they can go very, very right. This is a remake of a 1958 film with most of the original plot but 80s-contemporary special effects -- and it's glorious. The original "Fly monster" was essentially a guy in stumbling around in a rubber mask, but male lead Jeff Goldblum's final costume was so complicated that it actually took him five hours to put it on before shooting! The most frequent complaint I've seen about this movie is that the monster is too gross to watch, which I guess is fair, not everyone's blessed with a strong stomach after all, but I think is kind of missing the point! It's a movie about a guy getting transformed into a horrifying bug-monster, it's supposed to be gross! If you can't handle it then just stop watching, geez!

...Uh, with respect to individual taste and limitations, of course.

3. The Host (2006)
Years after a major river is polluted by American troops, residents of a nearby city are terrorized by a giant, amphibious monster that appears and disappears without warning, raising the death toll each time. As panic reigns and the military takes steps to lockdown the riverfront, one brave man risks everything to rescue his daughter from the monster's clutches.

Nothing wrong with a little social commentary with your monster horror, right? But honestly what really got me interested in this movie when it first came out is the fact that it had a budget. No offense, but do you know how frustrating it is to be a monster fan in China and year after year all the best big budget horror movies are American? The answer is really. It's really frustrating. At least we had ghost movies. You don't need a huge special effects budget to shoot a good ghost movie, just look at Ringu.

A n y w a y, I feel like this has probably gone on long enough, so I'll cover 4 and 5 together. It works out anyway, since they were made by the same director: Guillermo del Toro. God, where do I even get started with del Toro? He is probably -- no, definitely the best monster director of our time. Like, it's honestly hard to pick just two movies out of his lineup to recommend, I was going to write summaries for Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth but then I remembered Pacific Rim and had to take a minute because how did I forget?? How did I forget the best kaiju and the best live action mecha movie of all time?? Sure I only got to see it three times before I was dragged out of my home universe but still! Still!!

The other two I mentioned though, they're also amazing. Hellboy was the comic book movie I wanted to rec to you, it's such a good adaptation that it actually got me interested in the comics for a while, which almost never happens with me. No judgement, they're just not my favorite media. And of course Pan's Labyrinth is gorgeous, great example of taking a bizarre and dream-like plot and doing it well. I think what it comes down to is that del Toro doesn't see his monsters as a limitation or necessary evil for the genre, he puts as much care and attention into directing his development as he does the cinematography and his actors. The suits and special effects are tools for telling the story, but in a way they're also partners for creating the universe of the story, and that's a quality that's all too rare in the industry. I wish I could've stuck around longer to see what he was going to do next.

...Wait, shit. Parallel universe. This network already has movies that came out after I left my home universe. I!!! I think I have some questions for the search engine ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆

MOVIE RECS!!!

[thisislife]

[someone spends a fair amount of time gleefully reading more about each movie recommendation, resolving to watch everything as soon as possible. thank god for omnis and their massive library!]

Guillermo del Toro is a fucking genius! I think I've seen everything he's made, even though Pan's Labyrinth was a little too intense for kid me. But isn't that kind of the fun of things, pushing one's comfort zones a little?

I can't blame you. I love the search engine here, it leaves Google behind in the dust! (˃ᆺ˂✿)

[imaglyphwitch]

Oh, easy. Mom even forgot that I saw this one.

The Garbage Pail Kids movie. In case people think that eighties kids had nothing but great movies back in the day. Just...ugh. Immature toilet humor and definitely inappropriate crush manipulation.

[thisislife]

You know, I don't think I ever saw that. Even though both of my parents were eighties kids. That movie sounds terrifying and not in a "so bad, it's hilarious" kind of way. More like a "I don't care about the money, just give me the time back" way.

Is it at least good for a bad movie night?

Pretend you didn't see that LOL

[imaglyphwitch]

I'm sure a lot of them forgot about it. You'd be surprised how much stupid stuff is marketed for kids when adults just want to make a quick buck.

Oh no, its gross, but perfect for a bad movie.

Can do! 😀

[thisislife]

Probably? I'd like to think that if they were into Garbage Pail Kids, I'd know about it. Both of them liked to go on about "when I was your age," stuff. Especially when it came to the internet, laptops, smart TVs, technology in general. You'd think they'd know better because they were both 90s teenagers, but no!

One where we can throw popcorn at the screen when something especially stupid happens?

I totally remember these trading cards *sob*

[imaglyphwitch]

Garbage Pail Kids, from what I saw, was based on these gross trading cards that were parodying actual toys at the time, but grossified versions. Some executive must have decided to make a movie based on that, so. There we are?

That might be one of those things even our parents think were better left in the past. But now we can totally mock them!

With gusto!

So do I!! <----- is an old person

[thisislife]

You're joking right? No way. No way. That sounds like literally the shittiest idea ever! Who thought of that? And who thought that sounded like something people would want to watch for at least and hour and a half?!

Oooooh, I'm going to. Mom's never going to hear the end of it. Ever.

Perfect! [she applauds, grinning] Our mission, now, is clear. To obtain this wretched filth of a movie and mock the everloving shit outta it.

video | un: TripleJ

[kyley_b]

Dude. Good choice.

I'm gonna say, uhmm... [His face scrunches up as he considers. He looks human again, but also... kinda like shit.] Okay. This is the BEST worst I've ever seen, because it sucked but I loved it. It's this old move called 'Spookies.' I read later it was actually two movies stitched together, and it shows.

(CW: 365 Days, porn)

[thisislife]

It was either that or 365 Days and that one broke Nightmare mode. But Netflix has straight-up porn! Porn that even manages to out do fucking Fifty Shades of Grey in its fucked-upness. If it's a Fifty Shades of Grey ripoff, that's like. 6 Degrees of Twilight. Not cool.

Those are always fun! But, you know I'm going to ask you what the awful movie is actually about, right?

(CW: 365 Days needs its own warning, yes.)

[kyley_b]

What?! Okay, I never saw that shit. Maybe I'm not the right demographic.

Oh boy. Okay. [He pushes his curls back.] So, it's like, a haunted house? These 'teens' go to this place to party, but it's got like, this weird old undead man there trying to resurrect his bride? It's got no budget but a LOT of monsters, so it never gets boring somehow.

I'm not doing it justice. I think red Letter Media even covered it.

Re: (CW: 365 Days needs its own warning, yes.)

[thisislife]

I'm not sure that has any demographic aside from, 1) do you have a pulse? and 2) do you have a Netflix account? If you have both, you're its demographic. Sorry. [she says while completely not sorry at all]

Let me guess, it's the ultimate in Dawson's Casting. Where everyone who's a 'teen' could probably be the parent of a teen. But at least that's a concept, there's an idea in there. One which might be done to death at this point, but it's still an idea.

Oh no. With the creepy old man voice or without it?

[kyley_b]

[That pulls a laugh out of him. It's sorely needed.] Amazing.

Oh, it's s much worse than you're imagining. People look like, forty-five. And this one guy has a puppet for no reason I can think of.

With, but as filtered through a tin can. Oh, and there's cat-man with a hook for hand.

[thisislife]

[yaaay, laughter! that's what she was hoping for when she posted this, she figured that way too many people had a rough time of it lately] Amazingly shitty? That's what you meant, right?

...what the fuck? No really. There are countless young adults looking for a break. Any break. And instead of casting them to play people close to their own ages, let's cast their parents! Brilliant! I feel like Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder!"

...nuh-uh. You're kidding. No way.

Video; UN: Pierrot

[violetlies]

Let's see, let's see. So many of my choices have already been covered if you factor in Nightmare difficulty, but I consider myself an expert of bad taste.

And I could easily stir the pot by speaking the truth that no one wants to hear, which is that Citizen Kane is boring as fuck, actually, and Paddington 2 is the best movie ever written. The people would hate me for speaking the truth.

But I suppose if we're going for traditional bad movies....

Escape from Tomorrow. I don't think anyone's covered that one yet. Could be wrong.

[thisislife]

Do you? Then come over here and tell me exactly what you think about literally everything.

And Citizen Kane is boring as fuck. It's visually stunning for its time, but boring as fuck. But I never saw Paddington 2. Because I have no younger siblings or cousins.

That's a new one! What's it about?

[violetlies]

Neeheehee. You're gonna have to be more specific.

And hey, I'd recommend it. Even if you don't have younger siblings or cousins, it's a major loss to let go of your childish side. I'd know. I never have!

But as for Escape From Tomorrow...the gimmick of it is that it's a guerilla-style movie filmed entirely inside Disneyland. Illegally, mind you. The plot means nothing, the actors are untrained, and it's got some confusing sexual bits. Sooooo basically all the ingredients for a terrible movie! I enjoyed it a lot.

[thisislife]

Trashy along the lines of "Pink Flamingos"? John Waters is the king of the genre.

Yeah. I mean, we're both young. There will be plenty of time to be ~~serious~~ when we're old. And I mean fifties old, not just graduated high school old.

That sounds amazing in the worst possible way. Disneyland is creepy enough as-is, but add someone trying to Blair Witch it? It's kind of genius.

[violetlies]

Oh, absolutely. Though I've never listened to Doggie In The Window the same way ever since.... [That was. Sure a moment.]

Neeheehee! You're right.

It's not even a Blair Witch thing. It's--almost indescribable. If you wanna watch it sometime, I'd be down to track down a copy.

I'm Kokichi, by the way. Nice to meet another media enthusiast~