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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

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[If Lance didn't know better, he'd think Keith just asked him out in that socially awkward Keith way of his. The emotions that course through him are stifling. It's a strange mix of grief, relief, confusion and refusal to accept something he feels he doesn't deserve on a deeper level. They flash over his face as he looks at Keith like he can't quite believe he's real.

Actually, he is genuinely concerned that he's hallucinated again and had another break with reality. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened in this way to some degree. It feels like this shouldn't be happening, the vulnerability and everything else is utterly terrifying and his throat is closing up.] I…

[His stress ticks up and he can feel tears start to spill over again from his eyes. He's also breathing weird and can't hear right, his peripheral vision darkening a bit. A panic attack, he distantly realizes. He's had one before.] Y-yea- M-may-mayb-

[He's trying to say 'maybe' through his closing up throat and his constricting lungs. For some reason, not wanting to scare Keith off because he can't seem to handle a little bit of positive growth. Everything has been bleak survival and on the verge of collapse or collapsing around him consistently for so long that this is just a bit much for him. Please hold while he tries not to faint from hyperventilating.

He hunches over, placing a hand on the floor in front of him and it's glowing more than before as his vision tunnels. He sounds faint as he continues to struggle and loses control, he needs to calm down but he can't think clearly enough.] I-I'm s-sorry, I-

Edited 2022-10-13 06:28 (UTC)

[Keith furrowed his brow at the reaction, and then starts to slowly panic as well. He knew enough about Lance's powers that he knew that something weird with his emotions would set him off, and the last thing they needed was for him to blow up the barn or something. They'd already done this once tonight.]

I-I... I don't mean to push... or-or anything. I'm sorry. You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

I just... I thought... [Maybe it would be okay for them to just be there for each other for a while.]

It's okay. [Please don't blow up. Please don't blow up.

He knew he could potentially shield a bit against the resulting shockwave or something, but this close? He wasn't so sure. He hesitated, and then just... acts. He reaches out, cooling his hand as much as possible without freezing it over, and grabbed the hand Lance had put on the floor in the hope of at least maybe getting his attention and preventing the wood underneath from igniting.]

Lance, please... it's okay. I didn't mean to get you upset.

[Keith's voice sounds like it's far away, but he knows what he's saying, even if he's not sure of his perceptions right now. At this point, all he can do is just shake his head. No no, this isn't Keith's fault, he doesn't want to leave. He can't even begin to find the words to explain what the fuck is wrong with him.

On instinct, he summons Valor, his coyote omen. In a puff of black smoke, it appears next to him, sitting calmly in contrast to Lance's shuddering struggle to breathe. The omen doesn't waste more than a moment for Keith to acknowledge his presence before he gets to "explaining."]

He is having a panic attack. [He looks pointedly at Lance as he wheezes as if to say 'isn't it obvious?' Then back to Keith.] …You should kiss him, it will shock him out of it.

[Okay... that made sense now. Keith could understand that-...

WHAT?

Keith stared at the omen with wide eyes. DID THE COYOTE JUST-...?]

You think I should WHAT? How is THAT supposed to help?

[Yeah, Keith was kind of... uhhh...]

[Their voices still feel far away and garbled, and he doesn't really process what Valor just said like at all. Valor knew he was too caught in the tunnel of his attack to hear that fully, which is good because if Keith does as he says then it should be a surprise or it won't work. He looks over to Keith like he's an idiot.]

To shock him out of it. Are you deaf? [He looks back at Lance pointedly as the glow of his body flares and then subsides, flickering with the chaotic flow with his panic.] You do not have much time. Kiss him.

[It's not wrong, at this rate Lance will either choke on his own closing throat and faint from lack of oxygen. Or he'll burn down the barn. Valor is rather certain he's not going to explode, but like himself, Lance has always been unpredictable…]

[Okay, but who was likely to be more shocked here? Keith at the suggestion, or Lance at the action?

He kind of glared a little at Valor, like he was suggesting something stupid. Last Keith checked, kissing someone wasn't exactly standard procedure for getting someone out of a panic attack, so he was going to try some more traditional methods first.

Starting with tightening his grip on Lance's hands. Cold was supposed to help, right?

Except it wasn't because Keith forgot that Lance's powers made it hard for him to feel that.]

Lance. I need you to focus on my voice, okay? I want you to try counting with me. Nice and steady...

[And he'd start... slowly... and just keep going... every second, another number, in order. Though, if that didn't work, he might get more desperate.]

[He doesn't feel the cold, but the pressure of Keith's hands on his does draw his attention to Keith. His eyes are squinted in distress as he wheezes and his tunneled vision finds Keith's chin and lips but doesn't make it to his eyes. The flickering of his powers becomes a bit less, but he's still wheezing and can't seem to follow what Keith's trying to tell him. His blood is rushing in his ears and he can't breathe, can't stop shaking, can't think or hear well.

Valor watches for a few moments. He can tell Keith punched through some layer and at least got the situation out of the red alert zone. But it's not improving beyond that because of how overwhelmed and raw Lance is. And it could slip back into dangerous territory quickly if no progress is made. Truthfully, there are probably more ways to shock Lance out of it or make better progress, but Valor has an agenda.]

He can't feel cold. Or hear you very well. [A pause as he tilts his head, looking at Keith. Somehow he manages to raise one coyote eyebrow in a very clear silent 'you know what I'm going to tell you you have to do so why aren't you doing it already?'] …Well?

[Keith was beginning just how the heck Lance put up with Valor as an omen. Really. He clenched his teeth, stopping the counting for a moment as he closed his eyes to think. But things weren't getting much better, and Lance's powers were pretty volatile, and Keith was starting to feel a little desperate.

There was a 50/50 chance in Keith's head of this working. The other option was that Lance would just explode anyway.

And the aftermath of either was...

Keith pushed that out of his head. Couldn't think about that now. He grunted a half-growl and just... did it.

In one swift motion, he leaned in and planted a pretty firm, but close-lipped kiss on Lance's mouth, holding there until he felt a response before pulling back, hoping his didn't look as red as it felt from the blush.]

[Valor may be a mischievous little shit, but in this he's not wrong. Lance is in the middle of trying to count, he'd finally figured out what Keith was trying to do, but it's like his thoughts are sand between his fingers. Sand that falls onto the record of his mind and scratched it out of order even further than normal.

And then Keith is very close, their noses are brushing. And his perception of everything is in question, but he is not imagining that touch, he is not imagining Keith's mouth against his. In some moments, his hallucinations get vivid enough for him to feel touch. This… would be very different from that. All at once, his breath stops, he's holding it, frozen as he processes with more open eyes.

But he needs to breathe, so he gasps once heavily against Keith's mouth, and on instinct, his hands come up to Keith's shoulders just to try and hold on before he falls over and also, reaffirm that Keith is actually there. He doesn't push him away, just holds on, perplexed, overwhelmed but in a different way now. The kiss invoked a different set of fluttering and scary emotions (hope, love… fear) and forced him to focus on his body, on his breath, and that punched through the hurricane of what he was already feeling and managed to dissipate it just enough to shakily stabilize.

On instinct, he may have just started to lean into the kiss right as Keith pulls away. Lance rocks forward with the motion and nearly falls into him, gasping and taking deep, ragged breaths. But they aren't hyperventilating wheezes anymore and his glow has died down to something more faint and fluttering, like a struggling lightbulb.

One hand is still on Keith's shoulder as the other fell to the ground by Keith's hip when he moved. His arms are trembling as they hold him up and he tries to mentally get a grasp of what the fuck just happened, head hanging as he breathes just a few inches from Keith. To the side, Valor seems to be smirking right at Keith in an silent 'told you so', but he doesn't say anything.

Lance just needs a minute to catch his breath and process, but he manages a hoarse:] What…?

[Keith was just going to ignore Valor for now. It was easier, honestly. Instead, he kind of stared at Lance, waiting to see what the reaction would be to what he'd just done.

And he waited.

And he watched.

Was Lance going to freak out? Was he going to be okay with it? Keith swallowed hard. Part of him almost wanted Lance to freak out, to just get the whole thing over with, that kissing him had been a bad idea, and they should just forget it happened and move on. The other part, though, was afraid of exactly that and knew that, deep down, as much as Keith might not want to admit it, a freak out like that would hurt... a lot... and he was hoping it wouldn't happen.

He swallowed hard, having instinctually reached out and tried to catch Lance when he started to tip forward.

When all that came out was just a rough and confused 'what', Keith almost felt his heart sink a little.]

I uh-... Well... He told me to do it. [It wasn't a lie. It was just leaving out the part that he might have maybe liked it...]

[In Lance's defense, he was kind of just having another meltdown, and even if he didn't have a lot of complex emotions around Keith and their history that might make him run for the hills… confusion and disorientation would still be his response. He can hear Keith now, though there's still a bit of a rushing in his ears, it's subsiding.

At the explanation, he looks to the side to see his omen and his heart sinks and clenches. He glares at the omen, his head tilted in a way where only Valor can see it. Fucking coyote. He knows he's like that because he's an extension of Lance himself, but he also hates himself so his ire at his omen is more than warranted. And he suspects he knows why the coyote insisted on this method of helping, knowing that Lance has been trying to forget about what it feels like to be intimate like that with Keith, and probably wanted to remind him of it.

But Keith doesn't remember and trying to be together was a mistake anyway, it wasn't fair to him to bully him into a kiss like that. And now it just hurts like hell knowing Keith didn't suddenly remember or something like that, which for a moment he did hope for. And now on top of all the other stuff that was stressing him the fuck out before, he has to try and smooth this over. He swallows, trying to keep his mental footing in a raging river that's just… all of it.]

O-of course… he did. [He sounds rough, trying to hide his heart breaking all over again. But strangely, it's not like before because even he can't entirely forget that Keith still did it. No, it means nothing. It would be a bad idea anyway, shut up.] I… I'm sorry. F-for losing it… like that. Again. I…

[He's just sorry for all of it. His stupid omen. And all the rest of his screw ups and failures. For scaring Keith like that. And for having these feelings and desires that won't just go away and leave them both in peace.]

Edited 2022-10-13 19:01 (UTC)

[...............

Ouch.

Lance's reaction hit something hard. There was no, "Oh, it was good," or, "Thanks for kissing me," not that Keith expected it, but... he wasn't sure what he expected or even wanted out of that. But it wasn't... this. Well, not entirely. Lance seemed to have broken out of the panic attack, so that was good, at least. It had been part of his goal, after all. The primary one, the one he'd been aiming for. Everything else would have just been... nice...?

Why was this bothering him?]

N-nn-no, no... it's... you don't have to apologize.

[And there was also the pressing issue in the back of Keith's mind that asking him to stay had triggered the panic attack in the first place. That really hurt. Keith bit his lip for a second.]

You uh... You don't have to stay if you really don't want to. [Keith slumped back a bit, shifting from kneeling to sitting on the floor again. He pulled his legs up in front of himself and wrapped his arms around them, almost pulling in on himself into the same huddle he'd been in when Lance had first arrived.] Like I said... I'll be okay. I just need some time. [He lowered his head to rest his chin on his knees.] I shouldn't have asked. I know it's hard for you to be around me.

Thanks, though... for coming in the first place.

[Now that he's pulled enough out of his crisis, Lance is able to see how Keith is shutting down. He's not exactly a hundred percent himself, but he's not blinded by it like he was when he was tunneling. And he's seen Keith do this before, that helps. So does his weak empathic ability. Guilt gnaws at him even more and he wonders if maybe it's best that he does just leave Keith alone. He's done nothing but screw up constantly.

But there's also a part of him that recognizes distantly how selfish that is too. Keith literally just admitted to him that he doesn't know how to do anything but be alone and push people away. And Lance relates for his own reasons. One of them has to choose to risk to break the cycle and he feels like since he screwed this up, it should be him. Even if it has his chest tightening with threat of more panic, but he curbs it off, gripping his gem on his wrist and focusing on his breath.

He swallows and looks at Keith anxiously, looking torn and conflicted. Then slowly, he makes himself get off his knees, still unsteady and shaking through his body intermittently. He gets into a more comfortable position, legs crossed, posture hunched with his elbows on his knees as he continues to clutch at his wristband.]

I… we had a moment… kinda like that. Back in Deerington. [He is choosing his words so fucking carefully.] A lot of things were different… but by the end we agreed to… not be alone. Together.

[That's one way to say 'we agreed to be boyfriends', but it's vague enough to not be a confession and it helps that those are also just the words Keith used before Lance had the attack. He swallows thickly, continuing to focus on keeping his shit together.] And then a few months later… you left.

[He continues looking down and holds his arms tightly to himself and he continues to fidget. That's one of the reasons he had the attack, anyway.] I- I want to stay… I'm just… I'm just scared, man. And I wasn't sure if- if you were real just then. If you are real, sometimes.

[Yet another difficult admission. But he already touched on it when he had to tell him why he asked Moira for that injection and Keith saw the memory, he knows it's not a secret. Still, talking about it isn't easy because he does his best to hide it and come off as normal. He shakes his head as another attack builds in his breath and he makes himself keep going to curb it off.]

I panicked because it feels like if I say yes and stay it's gonna curse us or something and I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense. B-But I'm a total crazy person, right? A-and I don't- I don't even get why you'd want me to stay, because I'm- I'm… [He shakes his head and gives up on that. He's hearing and seeing things that are drawing his attention to the side and he's too worn down to ignore them. Weakly, he finishes on a question:] Do you? …Want me to stay?

Edited 2022-10-14 02:18 (UTC)

[There was an extremely subtle rocking motion in Keith as Lance moved closer again. But, as Lance spoke, it waned further, slowing until it stopped. He pulled his gaze up from the floor and turned his head to look at Lance, listening, waiting, hearing the words and wondering if Lance was going to say that these were all his reasons for leaving, and then do that once he was steady enough to walk again. Another rejection, another person leaving, just more abandonment.

Sometimes, Keith felt like he'd regressed backwards because of this place. Everything he'd been able to finally overcome back home because he had a support network, he had people he trusted and let in, people he thought would never give up on him... and it was just... gone. All over again. Like when he was ten years old and dropped into the foster care system after his dad died... already aged out of being adopted. No one wanted a grief-stricken pre-teen who couldn't control his emotions.

He definitely could understand where Lance was coming from. It was hard to trust and get attached only to lose it again. In that, they definitely understood each other. He nodded, wanting to show that he understood. He understood the fear, the desire to protect himself from getting hurt again, that need to push someone away even if you didn't want to be alone. He could feel himself doing it even now, his physical reactions of pulling in on himself, the walls he could feel forming in his psyche to protect himself.

And Lance asked then... asked if he wanted it... if he really wanted him to stay. For a split second, Keith hesitated. Lance had said he was scared, but he also said he wanted to stay. He was willing to take the risk. Keith lowered his eyes a little, staring off into the distance as he weighed that, and then he nodded again.]

Yeah. [His voice was a little shaky. In a place like this, he'd already seen and learned that getting attached to anyone was risky. They could die and not come back. They could turn back into a squid and disappear into the ocean. It was all a risk.] I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. [He met Lance's eyes as he said that. He wanted to take that risk, too.]

[When Keith meets his eyes with those words, it's intense and he feels exposed. But also has his heart clenching and fluttering with hope and terror in equal measure. Not to mention the fire of attraction, affection… he doesn't dare use the L word, but he comes close. The voices snicker and he holds the look as long as he can manage before he has to break it, looking down. As he does, a tear escapes one eye.]

Even after…? [He clenches his eyes shut tight against a flash of gore. He lets out a breath that hitches mid-way and he finds himself shaking his head and croaking a brief and humorless laugh.] M-maybe you're the one that's crazy.

[He sniffs and brings a sleeve up to wipe at his face. He's so afraid it's unreal. Somehow almost as terrified as when The Reckoning was coming for Keith, and there's still so much he doesn't understand. Feels like he should be yelling at Keith for taking that kind of risk. Because he's dangerous and why can't he see that, why doesn't he… but that comes from deep within himself, and the voices.]

Yeah. Maybe. Wouldn't be the first time I've been called that. [Keith shrugged a little.]

I just... I know that you wouldn't do something consciously to hurt me, and I know that you'll make the best decision you can, no matter what it is. [Okay, maybe the whole situation with The Reckoning hadn't been the best decision either of them had made, but Lance had his reasons for not giving in to Keith's demands about that. It wasn't like he just... didn't... or wasn't giving in for bad reasons.]

Stuff here is fucked up. I get that. So, things aren't always going to work out. But that doesn't mean I don't still trust you. And I want to support you, too. So... [He put his hand out.] we're in this together, right? Like you said... we make a good team. We can still do that.

[He snorts when Keith shrugs after that light remark. Then he swallows hard at what he says next. Well, no, he'd never consciously hurt anyone he loves. But that's the kicker, isn't it? Stuff gets in their heads and drives them to do the unthinkable. And he's never been able to personally accept what he's tried to tell Keith about it not being his fault because how he sees his mental instability as a product of his own mistakes. But he's not going to go down that rabbit hole of arguing the point, he just glances down and closes his eyes a moment and then turns it back on Keith.]

You know, you should think about directing some of that speech to yourself. You'd never consciously hurt innocent people… and you aren't weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. [He doesn't think he needs to backtrack and clarify what he's talking about. It's the whole reason they're here together in the first place. An impromptu memory share momentarily stole both their attention, but that concern and purpose never left him.

He then takes Keith's hand and continues, voice shaking with a doubt he can't help, doubt in himself, but determination to try his best not to let Keith down and the fear that he will is palpable in every aspect of his body and voice.] I… I trust you and I'm always gonna try to have your back too. And we… we can definitely still do that. I'll… try not to let you down, anyway.

Edited 2022-10-14 04:23 (UTC)

[Keith blinked, and dropped his gaze for a second, taking a breath like he might either cry or argue, but he let it out shakily instead. It's not like Lance didn't know Keith didn't really agree with that assessment about himself, and he did appreciate the fact that Lance was trying to help dispel his self-doubts. They were both trying to do that for each other here, at least. Fighting against that was kind of pointless in a way.

Instead, Keith managed a small weak smile in return... a doubtful one, but he was trying.

But he was glad Lance took his hand, and that got a better smile in response. He nodded.]

Honestly, that's all I can ask of anyone... is just that they try. Shiro once promised me that he'd never give up on me. And he made me promise not to give up on him, and not to give up on myself. I haven't done so great with the second one. I know that. But... [He squeezed Lance's hand.]

I'm not gonna give up on you, either. Okay? So... try not to give up on yourself, either.

[He only let go of Lance's hand long enough to put it on his back. He was a little unsure of going any further at the moment, though he knew Lance was okay with the idea of hugs. He was just nervous to push too far... Not that he'd turn one down if Lance wanted to interpret the move as an invitation for one.........]

[When Keith starts talking about Shiro and the promises mad when Keith was younger and entering the Garrison, Lance feels a different kind of heavy pensiveness come over him. He's not the only one who was messed up by Deerington, and trying to get through to Shiro to support him too has been like slamming his face into a wall over and over. He hasn't given up, but it started feeling like he's the problem a long time ago.

So hearing that places a lump in his throat. But he's so exhausted by the emotional distress and baggage getting dealt with here that he doesn't speak to it. He doesn't have the words, or the desire to bring up concerns about Shiro with Keith, the king of being concerned about Shiro.

And he's pretty sure that he gave up on himself a while ago, and the idea that Keith is vowing not to give up on him makes him feel a little choked up. There's just a lot of baggage for him in that whole well-meaning pep talk that is just so endearingly Keith that he finds himself with a pang in his chest and feeling warm all at once. He just nods, tiredly and offers Keith a tight smile.]

I haven't done so great with it either… [He takes a pause to consider something else to say, but then Keith's letting go of his hand (he'd almost forgotten they were doing a handshake thing) and putting it on his back. His heart jumps at the way Keith does it, something about it feels intimate in a very familiar way. And his gut instinct is to nervously joke.] Heh. You trying to kiss me again, or something?

[There's a slight shake in his voice there that comes from the immense amount of pain and baggage he has over the very concept of kissing Keith. There's a reason he tried to just ignore the last one, but it's still an elephant in the room that hasn't been addressed properly, and he sure is addressing it now! What the fuck is wrong with him?]

[Neither of them had been doing great with not giving up on themselves, and he'd definitely gotten the sense of that wall, that distance, between Shiro and Lance. He hurt thinking about it because he knew how much Lance admired Shiro, and seeing the bonds in his found family get strained was hard. It was something Keith had decided he wanted to try to fix, too. He didn't know if he could succeed at it, or just end up making things worse, but he had to try.

But then Lance was moving on -... WAIT WHAT-]

WHAT? [Keith's voice actually cracked a little.] N-no! I just- I was... you know... I thought you might need another hug? [Yeah, that was a lot of awkward stuttering, fast words, and somewhat squeaky voice cracking, and he felt his face get all hot again. Was he blushing? He was probably blushing. He was definitely blushing. Shit.]

[For a very real moment he'd kind of hoped Keith really was aiming for that. But, he's used to the heartache at this point and hides his disappointment as best he can. Keith is cute when he's flustered and embarrassed and that is both fun for him and sorrowful because it makes him want to kiss him more. But no, bad idea, it was a mistake.

He snort-laughs and makes his grin a bit more prominent as he teasingly shoves Keith in the shoulder. All to try and cover up his stupid feelings.] R-right. I was just messing with you, man.

[Then he gets back on his knees and shifts closer to open his arms for a "bro hug."] Bring it in, buddy.

[He'd been going for the hug because he figured that would be what Lance wanted... not another kiss... and that response solidified it. Something in Keith felt oddly disappointed that Lance confirmed it.]

Y-yeah... yeah... of course you were. [Definitely disappointed.

But- okay, yeah. A hug he could do, and he shifted his own position now, opening himself up again from that huddled posture to lean in and hug.

For a hug from Keith, though, it was surprisingly warm and enveloping, not the usual awkward stiff hug he might have given back home.]

[Over his time in Deerington and now Trench, he's developed some issues with touch from just anyone. He's not as easy with touching people or being touched, and he only does hugs with a very short list of people. When Keith first came back here, he wouldn't hav been on the hug list because of the grief there. The pain is still there as piercing as ever, but Lance has learned how to carry it and focus on what's most important.

The hugs they have shared since have been hard but needed and he doesn't open himself up to them lightly. Even now, there's some truth to that despite how light he's trying to make of it. His arms come around Keith's middle with a similar caution to what he'd had on the beach after Hunk left and he has to take a moment to ease into it.

This time, he's being very careful to place his head on the clothed part of Keith's shoulder. After a long moment, he lets out a shuddered breath and brings up the lingering question that's been lurking in his mind because one, it's important and two, he needs something else to focus on besides his broken heart.]

Hey, um… when you… saw my memory. [His voice trembles as he says that, but he swallows, puts it aside and continues stronger.] Were you touching my skin?

[He can't remember, but that's not surprising because he was not fully in the present moment and also losing his shit. He just needs to be sure, so he can figure out how to control that.]

Your... your skin?

[Keith froze a second, trying to remember. A lot happened in a short time, and it was a lot to think about and get through to figure out one small detail, but...]

I... I think so. I might have been.

[He frowned.]

Wait, should I-... should I make sure not to? [He'd never noticed an issue with that before.] Is that a bad thing?

[Immediately, Lance is shaking his head in response to Keith's concerns as he pulls out of the hug and settles his back against the wall next to Keith.]

It's not really bad, it's just how my blood powers work. They're touch activated. [He looks down at his hands on his knees. He's likely already told Keith some version of this, but this is still new.] They're not that strong, all I do is make people's pain go away… I didn't know I could show anyone a memory like that.

[He dons a look of focus as he thinks back to that moment, to what he was thinking and feeling.] I think… I was frustrated because I wanted to tell you but couldn't figure out how. Or remember well enough. [He heaves a breath and shakes his head.] All it means is I've gotta be more careful. Or try to figure out how to control it.

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