( video | un: alucard )

[ananym]

[ he really hates doing this . . . but alucard knows he needs to commit to it. the feed turns on with him looking . . . not quite sheepish, but a tinge of irritation layered with contriteness. ]

Last month, I had the unfortunate issue of losing control of my vampiric nature and lashed out onto a number of people here. I hope you would be willing to accept my apology and if not, direct me in ways where I can make amends. I . . . do not usually need or require blood as sustenance so it took me by surprise.

My apologies. If it helps, it seems I've lost my sense of taste. Perhaps that is penance in a way.

Comments

[ananym]

[ hmm. ]

Is it?

[fogsong]

In my experience. [ she pauses in consideration ] It's a little different for me now, but for a very long time, I saw very little good in the world. The people that claimed to be good and righteous, the ones that promised to keep you safe, they proved to be the worst out of everyone.

[ and once you've been burned by your family, both figuratively and literally, you lose the ability to see good in anyone. you become hurt and scared and angry until you become vengeful and lash out. ]

[ananym]

Yes. It is easy to fall into that trap. To lose faith.

[ alucard lost it. and behaved monstrously for a while. but he is aware of that. he's aware of how close he can be to his father. ]

But they should not bring out the worst in you.

cw: references to child abuse and burning

[fogsong]

[ excuse her as she switches the feed over to private because she has enough mind not to say certain things where others can see. ]

You know, I was supposed to die. That's what they'd wanted. I was nine and they'd... [ she stops and shakes her head like she can't get the words out ] I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend why. I did everything I was supposed to. I never lashed out when their kids called me a witch, or when they told my mother I was her sins incarnate, or when I was hit.

[ she sucks in a sudden breath and steels her expression. it's been decades now and it still cuts like it was yesterday. ] It's like I lost my mind and my heart when they burned me alive. It felt like they'd burned out everything good inside of me until there was nothing left but fear and rage.

cw: death, burning

[ananym]

[ ah. he had suspected, of course, from what little they had shared. it was a disheartening thing to hear. no child should go through that. wallachia was a violent, terrible place. such things were . . . the norm. but alucard still hoped.

his mother's hope. ]

As you know, my mother burned. She was taken by the church and branded as a witch. She was a doctor and she wanted to help people.

She had loved them. Humans. So very much.

They did not burn out the good in you. You wish they did because it would hurt less.

[fogsong]

[ it's the prior knowledge that his mother had been burned that made her feel like she could divulge her own horror to him. it's also what made her try so hard to help him because she knew what it was like to be lost in a haze with little control. ]

I know that now but I didn't back then. All I knew was pain and hate and whatever I am, whatever powers I was born with, they reacted to those feelings. I gave them what they gave me: pain and fear.

I don't regret it, either. Sometimes, to rid the world of true monsters, you have to be one yourself.

[ she pauses thoughtfully, looking carefully into the lens of her omni ] Would your mother have loved them still? After all of that? Could she have forgiven them for burning her?

[ananym]

[ alucard thinks back to his mother. her boundless love and passion. her care and her touch. the memories feels like ghosts living under his skin. ]

. . . Yes. She would have.

[fogsong]

[ that makes her fall quiet for a long moment. his response almost shames her for some reason. she doesn't feel she's capable of that. her love is limited and is only born for others when they prove to her they're worth that risk. because love is a terrifying risk. ]

...do you love them?

[ananym]

[ that prompts a wry chuckle from alucard. ]

I admire them from time to time. But love is a strong feeling to profess and I'm not quite there yet.

[fogsong]

[ Yet. She can't wrap her mind around that. ] How do you not hate them for what they've taken from you? Is it because you know she wouldn't have?

[ She's visibly confused, her brows pinched tight. ] Or... or is it because she wouldn't want you to?

[ananym]

[ alucard looks at her curiously. ]

That is a part of it. But I've also met humans who have exceeded my expectations. You must have met some as well.

[fogsong]

Yeah, of course, but those people were exceptions. Uncommon. Special.

[ananym]

Then what of the people that came before them? Or the people around them?

No person grows up in a vacuum.

[fogsong]

I grew up on the run. From the age of nine until, well, before I got here, it was only my adoptive dad and me. Everyone else was a potential danger. No one could be trusted.

[ananym]

And that speaks volumes of you and your father.

[fogsong]

He gave up everything to protect me. He was even willing to give up his life to make sure I was safe, just like my mother had.

[ananym]

Of course he did. He was a father.

[fogsong]

Not everyone is capable of being a good parent, let alone a self-sacrificing one. Chris could have abandoned me or given me to the Order when things got tough just like my birth mother had.

[ananym]

No. But he did it because he was a parent, did he not?

[fogsong]

That, I guess, and because his wife loved me.

[ananym]

Is that not enough?

[fogsong]

More than. Did I make it seem like it wasn’t? [ if so, it wasn’t her intention. ]

[ananym]

No, but I am sure there are other people just like them. Who have to make incredible and difficult choices.

[fogsong]

[ ah ] Do you think people like that are common?

[ananym]

Not common, but it is important to recognize their existence. Even if we do not always see them.