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[text] username: justanadventurer

[He debates for a while if he wants to post this anonymously or not. He very nearly does, for fear of making people worried.]

[But he's trying to be better about his mental health, and if he can put his face to this then others can feel more comfortable talking about their problems, too.]

I was just wondering...

A lot of us are 'heroes' in our home worlds, or maybe 'chosen ones' or... basically we're expected to save the world or do something amazing.

How do you change from that to going to an everyday life? I've been trying to for months, but I can't shake the habit if expecting to solve every problem by myself - or nearly by myself, at least. ... It's nice to be regarded as a 'normal' person, but it's difficult to stop trying to be a 'hero'.

It's getting to be a problem, not knowing how to not take on too much. Does anyone have any tips?

[Now to hope Gaia misses this post...]

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[ Keep dreaming. ]

You realize people have this problem about delegating tasks to others even without being considered a hero or a chosen one right?

But you could try, reaching out to someone every other day or so about helping with a task. And learn how to say 'no' if people get in the habit of saddling you with seven different menial task while you've got enough on your plate.

[ So.... practice healthy habits? ]

[Gods damn it.]

Yes, but if you're responsible for a lot of other people it's

Never mind.

I suppose I could try. I mean, I go to the market, I do chores... but I still don't quite feel 'settled in' to a 'normal life'. Or what passes for normal here, anyway.

Start small. Find one thing you like doing that had nothing to do with your heroic lifestyle. It could be something like finding half an hour to read a book. Doesn't have be a whole huge project, but something you want to keep doing - finish a book, make this thing you're building, whatever - on a daily basis.

Ah, this one is quite simple. Acquire for yourself a gaggle of fussy, well-intentioned teenagers. The sort prone to making speeches about friendship during dramatic moments are a really good bet.

These will be your guardians. Whenever they sense you thinking of taking on too much -- and this sort of teenager can detect this happening from an admirable distance, I find -- they'll swoop in like a horrid plague of lovable bats and scold you terribly about learning to rely upon others and love yourself and so on. Eventually you'll settle down out of sheer desperation, as the repeated provocation of your kids becomes too tiresome to fight.

Edited 2022-09-18 04:45 (UTC)

[ .. oh. Thankfully Chizuru had already heard about parts of this before from Nara'a, so it's not totally surprising.. but it's still a little worrying all the same, just like when he first brought it up.

It's why she thinks for a moment before she writes up a response, wanting to be thoughtful and helpful about this when it might be such a big deal to the other. ]

have you maybe tried limiting yourself step by step
maybe you tell yourself you can only do three good things that day for others
and then two a day the week after
and then maybe even one the week after that
at least then it might be manageable for you

I've been helping out with fixing up the place I'm living, but...

That's a good idea. Focus on the small things... it's been too long since I was able to just relax and finish a book. And probably something non-fiction. I'd like to get more into making things, though - I have some sewing experience, but not much for other manual labor trades.

[It's a good thing this is text, because he's laughing.]

I do live with someone around that age, though she's not the type for friendship speeches. She's already gotten on my case about taking on too much, but it's a little difficult when I don't quite know how to not take on too much.

Maybe... that's a good idea.

I just feel bad when someone needs help and I don't help them... I don't want anyone to be hurting.

[Why does he laugh at the trials and tribulations of Xerxes Break overprotectively chasing his brat brigade everywhere and having it backfire on him because they all love him now even when he is cranky. 8( ]

Then, you've begun to accomplish the first two crucial steps in this. The other, of course, being to recognize that this place has a penchant for pulling in chosen ones and heroes, and if ever a crisis strikes while you are off duty five other chosen ones will likely come screaming out of the woodwork.

Then, I think, the third thing is: You need to choose a priority for yourself. Perhaps two or three, if you really can't tone it down right away. Remember those priorities, always.

[Because it's funny advice, even if it might be effective. It's not intuitive, at least.]

I know you're right... I'm just used to having everyone rely on me. I really hadn't had much time off in six years or so, so it's a tough habit to break.

A priority? Like what?

[wonderful. just the kinda topic he wants to dabble in. a hero confessing to the ridiculous problems of those "heroic" notions they're so prone to go spouting.]

stop carin so much. be selfish.
lose the arrogant mindset ya got brainwashed to believe is "good hero" thoughts.
learn to say "fuck off" when someone wants to dump all their expectations on ya.
and figure out why the hell ya feel like ya "have to" be a hero in the first place.
betcha it's more for "you" than for "them."

[right. cause the villain who hates heroes is going to be the best person to give advice on "how to not be a hero" to someone else.]

[Oh. Well. That's... that sure is a non-hero answer. In fairness it's what he asked for.]

I don't think I can just stop caring so easily. And in my world I kind of can't tell people to fuck off? I'm pretty much the only one people rely on. Which is its own problem, but not really a solvable one at the moment.

There's... complicated reasons for why I'm a hero. Both because of me and because of things that happened a long time ago. It's almost literally just part of my soul.

But here, I don't have to be. Or at least not relied on to the same degree. I won't deny that I feel good after helping other people, but even helping people where I have literally nothing to gain is something I feel compelled to do.

[It is because Break is an old pro at learning things the hard way. This has turned him into a mentor figure and he can be much less cryptic about things here than he was at home, so Nara'a can prepare for a wall of text. When he is tapping away at his omni there is no one to stop him from rambling.]

Well. In this world of myriad heroes, where even those who led mundane, normal lives before this place can come to wield strange powers, we are granted the leisure of having specialties, you know? For all its faults, there is only so much of Trench to be saved at a time.

And so, you might ask yourself: "What is it that only I can do?"

If you are someone better suited to something like organizing crisis relief than whacking things about on the battlefield, there is no need to force yourself to show up with a sword each time a monster rears its head simply because you are capable of it; this place is dangerous and we have ample combat masters. I know someone who excels at wielding both sword and scythe and can provide training with both, but it's the scythe users who flock to him for help, as swords are much more common. Another example: There are many individuals here who can use weapons. There are not so many who can forge them.

Choosing one ability to hold above the others allows a further depth in using that skill. And, once you have chosen that priority for yourself, you hold it in your heart at all times. It allows you to keep a clear head in the face of the world's mess, and to say at overwhelming moments, "This is the path I have set my feet to. There is no need to decide what to do in the midst of all these options, because that decision has already been made."

The others with their own priorities will fall into place around you, and the wounds of this world will have many devoted hands to patch them up, and those hands will be all the more soothing for their focus and clarity.

That's a necessity, not a hobby or something fun.

Try picking one thing at a time, and once you've gotten comfortable doing that, add another. Repeat.
It's hard breaking out of "hero" and "chosen one" mindset, and doing too many at once will just make them feel like another chore on your list of things to do.

[well they do have a bit of history.]

sounds like a personal problem.

if ya feel "compelled" cause of some "soul-bound" reason, not really anythin ya can do.

cept learn how to ignore it. desensitizin yourself ain't that hard. ya just do it over and over again.

[ oh... ]

Why can't it be both?

Because I don't need to solve every problem by myself. I know that. But I feel like I have to for various reasons.

I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to fix everything, though. I've seen that happen and it's... bad.

[ Valid, but also... not the point he was trying to make, actually. ]

Did you have to solve everything before?

Even people others see as someone who can save the world are still just people themselves.

[He doesn't want to desensitize himself, but he also doesn't want to drive himself nuts.]

I guess... I want to help people, but I want to have boundaries, too.

I just don't have much practice with setting those up.

[Crossing them by mistake? Sure. Having his own? No.]

Yeah, I always feel like I need to be really good at whatever I do... it's a lot of pressure.

Trying to pick something to do as a hobby... I do kind of like cooking. Is cooking a hobby, though?

I pretty much did.

... Not totally by myself, I had a group of people who were instrumental in things before but... some of the big things I ended up having to solve on my own. Especially the fighting.

I know I'm just a person... that's part of why I'm concerned that I can't break out of the idea of trying to fix everything.

I see. There are a lot of things I can do... combat is something I'm very good at, but there is something to be said about trying to pick something outside of that. Manual labor isn't exactly my strength, but I do like to learn things.

Having so many capable people around means I don't have to fight as much... it's just something that I'm very used to doing. I'm not really sure how to pick another path... I made my decision for what to focus on studying years ago, and I've held that as my path... but that also leads to combat.

For me, I try to remember what life was like before I came to Korriban and went on my path to Sith Lordhood. When that gets depressing, I recall those small moments in between my adventures.

I've tried to do that a little, but there's not a ton of need to hunt (which I was never good at)... there's also a lot of research types here already and I don't have the right equipment here anyway.

One more researcher can't hurt, should you ever get your equipment. Lately, I try to fill that void from adventuring with reading, meditation and doing chores.

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