text | carcinoGeneticist | apologies

[klawful]

HELLO FELLOW SLEEPERS. I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICALLY OFFER MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES FOR THE TRICKSTER VIRUS I IMPLEMENTED LAST MONTH. A THEORY OF MINE GOT OUT OF HAND AND PEOPLE HAD TO SUFFER FOR IT WHICH IS 100% MY BAD. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD LEADER AND INSTEAD, I FAILED YOU ALL. AS PER FUCKING USUAL.

(Karkat. Holy shit. No one thinks you're their leader. Again.)

PAST ME IS ARGUABLY THE MOST WORTHLESS, IDIOTIC TROLL TO HAVE EVER EXISTED IN ANY TIMELINE OR REALITY. TRULY, HE PROBABLY HUFFS CEILING CHIPS TO PUT TOGETHER BASIC SOLUTIONS. THAT GUY IS SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT SO I FULLY SUPPORT YOUR (PLATONIC) HATRED OF HIM. HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

TO BE HONEST, I WOULD SUPPORT YOUR HATRED OF CURRENT ME TOO. YOUR FEELINGS OF HATE ARE COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF ME ROYALLY FUCKING SHIT UP FOR SOME PEOPLE. AGAIN, MY BAD.

I WOULDN'T EVEN JUDGE YOU FOR HATING FUTURE ME EITHER.


...


ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO EXTRAPOLATE A VERY CRUCIAL POINT: IF YOU CLICK ON A LINK SOME RANDO SENT YOU ON THE INTERNET, YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. YOU ARE THE DOWNFALL OF YOUR OWN SPECIES AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN IDIOTSVILLE. CONGRATULATIONS, DICKBAG, I HAVE CRAFTED A DUNCE CROWN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOW THE MAYOR OF MORONS. DOES IT FEEL SPECIAL TO BE SO STUPID? DO YOU FEEL CONTENT IN YOUR ABYSMAL DEN OF DERELICT THINK FUNCTIONS?

I BET YOU DO, YOU GODDAMN PROTOZOIC ORGANISM. YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN MOTHERFUCKING PWNED BY THE MOST BASIC VIRUS SPREAD EVER AND IF YOU ARE EMBARRASSED, I WANT TO OFFER YOU A FIRM CLAP ON THE SHOULDER. YOU SHOULD FEEL EMBARRASSED.

BITCH.

(--Yeah, okay. Just ignore him. As he said, he gives you full permission to hate current and future him too. Starting now.)

Comments

[kyley_b]

yeah you clearly suck at insulting me.

that actually was really smart. like ok it went wrong BUT you did manage to use the blood types like you planned to. so. it was a good first attempt.

[klawful]

NO I DO NOT. I CAN INSULT YOU SO GOOD. I HAVE MADE YOU SCREAM AND FREAK OUT SO MANY TIMES.

I GUESS SO. NEXT TIME WILL BE BETTER, I HOPE. SOLLUX WOULD BE ROLLING IN HIS FUCKING GRAVE. STRIDER IS PROBABLY SOMEWHERE LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF. THIS WAS KIND OF A GALACTIC EMBARRASSMENT IF I'M BEING FRANK. WHICH I'M NOT. I'M KARKAT.

(He never understood that metaphor, but he picked it up from the humans. He's pretty sure he used it right at least.)

[kyley_b]

and i make you scream and freak out equally, so there.

oh come on, you made a thing! it was still impressive.



you're my little mothman is what you are. [Ugh, gross, you two, you're in public sort of.]

[klawful]

GOOD THING WE ARE IN A MIXED QUADRANT RELATIONSHIP HUH.

(Yes, he is saying that with public pride.)

WELL. OKAY. THANKS.

(You can practically feel his pleasure from Kyle's approval.

And then even more with the mothman thing.)

I AM THE RAWEST LITTLE MOTHMAN EVER. SO RAW I AM FUCKING HUGE. I'M A HUGE MOTHMAN. AND YOURS. I AM YOUR HUGE, MUSCLE-RIPPLING MOTHMAN. NO ONE HAS EVER WITNESSED A MOTHMAN SUCH AS I.

(And yet he can barely reach the bottom shelf in the kitchen without having to crawl onto the counter.)

[kyley_b]

very lucky. <3

i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, dude.

[Oh sweet tapdancing christ. Kyle can only think of the Point Pleasant statue, which IS weirdly ripped. He's cackling to himself.]

absolutely the most rawing-est.

[klawful]

(Karkat is just radiating over here. Positively glowing. Oblivious to everything.)

C:B <3 <>

THANK YOU KYLE.

HAHA YOU ARE SO LUCKY. BUT SO AM I.

SO.



NOT THAT IT MATTERS SIGNIFICANTLY TO ME OR ANYTHING BUT THAT THING GOING DOWN AT THE RED...ALL I AM SAYING IS IT SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF MOULIN ROUGE.

(Which means he wants to go with Kyle, obviously.)

[kyley_b]

<3

i'm the luckiest.


you wanna go? we could go.
we'll just behave in the bathrooms.

[klawful]

OH MY GOD KYLE THIS IS PUBLIC!!!!!

TO ANY CREEPS READING THIS WE ALWAYS BEHAVE IN BATHROOMS AND HAVE NEVER ONCE DONE ANYTHING QUESTIONABLE ANYWHERE PUBLIC OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ANIMALS. I MEAN, KYLE IS, BUT HE CANNOT HELP BEING A HUMAN.

ANYWAY, YES, OBVIOUSLY I WANT TO GO.

[kyley_b]

dude they wouldn't have KNOWN anything if you hadn't said that just NOW!!

wait why am I the animal?!

cool. we can like
dress up and stuff.

[klawful]

YOU MENTIONED "BEHAVING" IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS. WHAT ELSE WOULD THAT MEAN? "HEY, YEAH, WE WILL MAKE SURE TO SHIT RESPECTFULLY, EVERYONE."

BECAUSE I SAY SO.

YES. OKAY. I CAN TOTALLY DRESS UP. I HAVE DRESSED UP BEFORE.

(Which means he has never dressed up ever before in his entire life.)

[kyley_b]

people would have thought i was kidding!! but now thanks to you we've lost plausible deniability!

i'm a mammal but so what?

really? i only have a few times, like for funerals and my bar mitzvah and prom.

[klawful]

OH MY FUCKING GOD. DON'T THROW LEGAL JARGON AT ME. JESUS.

YEAH BUT YOU ARE FEISTY.

YEAH. WHEN WOULD I HAVE REALLY EVER DRESSED UP?

I WOULDN'T MIND TRYING FOR YOU. KEEP YOUR BAR EXTREMELY LOW.

[kyley_b]

i was gonna go to law school!

true.

ok, also true.

only if you keep your bar low, too.
uhm.
should i get you a corsage or something?

[klawful]

GOD I HOPE TEREZI NEVER SHOWS UP HERE. SHE WANTED TO BE LIKE THE TROLL VERSION OF A LAWYER. IF WE'RE GOING THE LEGAL ROUTE HERE THEN WE MUST AT LEAST WATCH LEGALLY BLONDE. BOTH ONE AND TWO. IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE CHOICES.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A CORSAGE

IS IT A TYPE OF POISON

(In Karkat's defense, he is thinking about the mistletoe experience.)

[kyley_b]

we can watch the first one but then i wanna pick the movie.

no, it's like a flower bracelet thing. i guess that's really dumb actually idk why i thought that

[klawful]

NO. FUCK YOU. BOTH. YOU CAN'T JUST WATCH ONE.

BUT THE NEXT FIVE MOVIES YOU CAN PICK. I HAVE BEEN DEMANDING OF THE MOVIE LIST FOR A WHILE NOW, SO I WILL LET YOU MAKE IT UP IN A SLEW OF YOUR OWN SHITTY FILMS TO COMPENSATE FOR ALL OF MY SHITTY FILMS.

IS THAT FAIR

OH. IT'S NOT DUMB. FLOWERS ARE MEANINGFUL TO HUMANS, RIGHT? I WILL WEAR ONE IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO. DO I GET YOU ONE?

[kyley_b]

ok ok fine. that's fair.

we're gonna watch a tarantino movie :P

i'm actually not sure, i think maybe i'm just grasping at any fancy thing i know, so.
what's important to trolls? as a token of affection i mean.

[klawful]

I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU.

THE INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS ONE FINALLY? AND MAYBE THAT ONE ABOUT KILLING BILL? PLEASE? IT LOOKS COOL. SHE HAS SWORDS!

NOTHING I CAN THINK OF. DEPENDS ON THE TROLL PROBABLY. LIKE, EQUIUS LOVES TOWELS SO GETTING HIM A TOWEL WITH HIS INITIALS WOULD PROBABLY MAKE HIM BUST A NUT. OR SOME ROBOT SET. WE CARE ABOUT OUR PASSIONS. I LIKE ROMCOM MOVIES AND FIGHTING. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE WE CARE ABOUT RINGS...

WELL.

UNLESS WE MAGICALLY SWITCH BLOOD TYPES OVERNIGHT. BUT SURELY I WILL NEVER SWITCH TO A FUSCHIA BLOOD RANDOMLY. HAHAH. THAT WOULD BE WILD.

[kyley_b]

love you too, dingus.

kill bill is a two parter so we can do that. kinda match the legally blondes. plus i think you'll really love it and there's not a bunch of like history stuff in it.
but we'll watch inglorious basterds some day soon too because i like that one. there's this one scene that like
i dunno how to explain how it makes me feel. like when you see something you wanna BE i guess.

is fuschia fancy?

[klawful]

LET'S DO IT THEN. I'M DOWN FOR A TARANTINOTHON.

YES. IT IS THE HIGHEST BLOOD CASTE YOU CAN BE. THEY CAN LIVE TO BE THOUSANDS OR EVEN MILLIONS OF SWEEPS OLD, THEORETICALLY. THEY ARE SEA-DWELLING TROLLS. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO COME TO RULE OUR KIND WITH AN IRON FUCKING FIST. THEY ARE ALL FEMALE. BASICALLY, ONE IS BORN, RULES, AND THE OTHER ONE IS YOUNGER, LEARNING TO RULE WHENEVER THE FIRST ONE DIES.

SEA-DWELLING TROLLS ARE PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK AND LIKE THEIR ACCESSORIES. THEY ARE "ROYALTY" ALTHOUGH SOME OF THEM ACTUALLY AREN'T SO BAD. UNTIL THEY GET WAY OLDER THEN THEY JUST GET FUCKING CRACKED, I THINK.

[kyley_b]

sweet.

whoa. that's fucking scary, actually. i dunno how i'd react to a near immortal bloodthirsty queen bitch.

maybe living that long drives them crazy.

i did wake up and find a fancy suit coat thingy this month. i think i'll wear that.

[klawful]

PROBABLY. THERE IS A LOT ABOUT OUR KIND THAT DRIVES US EASILY TO INSANITY. OUR NATURAL DREAMS INCLUDED.

COOL. I ACTUALLY GOT SOME INTERESTING CLOTHES TOO. SO. IT'S A DATE?

[kyley_b]

and yet you're pretty well adjusted.

it's a date. :)