text | carcinoGeneticist | apologies

[klawful]

HELLO FELLOW SLEEPERS. I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICALLY OFFER MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES FOR THE TRICKSTER VIRUS I IMPLEMENTED LAST MONTH. A THEORY OF MINE GOT OUT OF HAND AND PEOPLE HAD TO SUFFER FOR IT WHICH IS 100% MY BAD. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD LEADER AND INSTEAD, I FAILED YOU ALL. AS PER FUCKING USUAL.

(Karkat. Holy shit. No one thinks you're their leader. Again.)

PAST ME IS ARGUABLY THE MOST WORTHLESS, IDIOTIC TROLL TO HAVE EVER EXISTED IN ANY TIMELINE OR REALITY. TRULY, HE PROBABLY HUFFS CEILING CHIPS TO PUT TOGETHER BASIC SOLUTIONS. THAT GUY IS SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT SO I FULLY SUPPORT YOUR (PLATONIC) HATRED OF HIM. HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

TO BE HONEST, I WOULD SUPPORT YOUR HATRED OF CURRENT ME TOO. YOUR FEELINGS OF HATE ARE COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF ME ROYALLY FUCKING SHIT UP FOR SOME PEOPLE. AGAIN, MY BAD.

I WOULDN'T EVEN JUDGE YOU FOR HATING FUTURE ME EITHER.


...


ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO EXTRAPOLATE A VERY CRUCIAL POINT: IF YOU CLICK ON A LINK SOME RANDO SENT YOU ON THE INTERNET, YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. YOU ARE THE DOWNFALL OF YOUR OWN SPECIES AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN IDIOTSVILLE. CONGRATULATIONS, DICKBAG, I HAVE CRAFTED A DUNCE CROWN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOW THE MAYOR OF MORONS. DOES IT FEEL SPECIAL TO BE SO STUPID? DO YOU FEEL CONTENT IN YOUR ABYSMAL DEN OF DERELICT THINK FUNCTIONS?

I BET YOU DO, YOU GODDAMN PROTOZOIC ORGANISM. YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN MOTHERFUCKING PWNED BY THE MOST BASIC VIRUS SPREAD EVER AND IF YOU ARE EMBARRASSED, I WANT TO OFFER YOU A FIRM CLAP ON THE SHOULDER. YOU SHOULD FEEL EMBARRASSED.

BITCH.

(--Yeah, okay. Just ignore him. As he said, he gives you full permission to hate current and future him too. Starting now.)

Comments

text; un: trashmouth

[measuringdicks]

this is such a wild fucking rollercoaster
you got an apology for accidentally unleashing terrible shit on people and then the most aggressive lesson on Internet safety
why would I hate you for giving me free entertainment this is fantastic

text

[klawful]

TRUST ME, DUDE, I AM A MASTERCLASS IN BEING HATEABLE.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED TO BE AWARE THAT THEY ARE HALF THE FUCK UP OF A SITUATION EVEN IF SOMEONE ELSE STARTED IT. SUCKS TO BE THEM. IT COULD HAVE BEEN WAY WORSE. PEOPLE SHOULD FEEL GRATEFUL. DAMN.

THANK YOU THOUGH.

( video | un: duckling )

[danserai]

[ oh, so that's what happened to fern. it's good to finally have answers. ]

It was a little scary for a while, seeing my friend changed. I was afraid for him.

Are you all right?

(text)

[klawful]

YEAH, I GOT CHANGED TOO, BUT THEORETICALLY, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE DIED FROM IT.

PROBABLY.

YES, I'M ALL RIGHT. I WAS FAIRLY FUCKED OFF MY MIND TOO. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT. YOU DIDN'T GO THROUGH IT, DID YOU?

Text; un: darkness

[survivalthroughhate]

I am going to hunt you down and lop off your hands. Not just one. Both of them. You are a menace and do not deserve to have them any longer.

[Yeah, someone here is still just a liiiiiittttle bit mad about being turned into Strawberry Shortmaul and making a fool of himself.]

text; UN: TripleJ

[kyley_b]

oh no you're not! it was an accident! you can't take his hands over an accident!

[Not here]

[lightthedarkness]

[Usagi actually, sorta kinda agrees with Maul on this one. Not that she'd TELL him, no need to endorse his violent tendencies. But hooo boy was that a non-apology apology, and Usagi honestly despises non-apology apologies. She doesn't agree with CHOPPING OFF HANDS level of retaliation, but she sees no reason to forgive this troll.

So Maul may just feel in the Force that his wife actually backs this anger.]

text

[klawful]

COOL, DUDE, I DON'T CARE. FULL OFFENSE BUT I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IN THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE, I DID GIVE AN ATTEMPTED WARNING SO THE FACT THAT YOU IGNORED IT SEEMS TO BE AN ERROR ON YOUR END IN READING COMPREHENSION.

DID YOU DIE? KILL SOMEONE? NO? THEN YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

text; UN: GoldenFlowers

[the_obedient_servant]

This is a fascinating mix of overinflated self importance, self pity, self flagellation and deflecting your own flaws onto others.

What an impressive knot of emotions!

text

[klawful]

YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL OF MY MOST DEFINING PERSONALITY TRAITS UNFORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE HERE.

THANK YOU. I TRY TO BE EMOTIONALLY OPEN 90% OF THE TIME.

OKAY, I ACTUALLY DO NOT TRY. IT JUST HAPPENS.

text; UN:glyphywitchy

[imaglyphwitch]

Hey, Fern's not dumb, you jerk! How's he supposed to know about basic internet stuff like that! He's from a dystopia where the internet kind of doesn't exist anymore!

Don't put out dumb crap like that anymore!

Also, hi. You have an incredible cool boyfriend. LUCKY.

text

[klawful]

SURE, YEAH, BUT HE HAS BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE PROBABLY FIGURED OUT A FEW BASICS ON INTERNET SAFETY. SURVIVAL ISN'T JUST A SWORD ON THE STREETS.

IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS AN ACTUAL ACCIDENT. AND I DID TRY TO WARN PEOPLE. POORLY, BUT AN ATTEMPT WAS MADE.





THANK YOU. HE ABSOLUTELY IS AMAZING, YOU ARE CORRECT. KYLE IS THE BEST EVER. CLEARLY YOU HAVE SUPERIOR TASTE.

text; un: A.

[fabrications]

Wouldn't you find it more annoying if people pitied you instead?

text

[klawful]

NOT NECESSARILY. PITY IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON EMOTIONS AMONG MY TYPE. IT WOULD SEEM NATURAL.

WHY, DO YOU PITY ME?

text; un: headmaster

[eugenesis]

So, how DOES that virus work? I've never seen such a thing happen to an organic.

[He's a robot, he should be the one afraid of shady links. But it was fun to watch.]

text

[klawful]

IT IS A COMBINATION OF UTILIZING PALEBLOOD, DARKBLOOD, AND THEN THE NATURAL FUNCTIONALITY OF OUR OMNIS BEING TELEPATHICALLY CONNECTED BETWEEN ALL OF US. I ESSENTIALLY MADE A CODE THAT BLENDED ALL THREE.

IT WAS LIKE A BLOOD MAGIC COMPUTER HACK. KIND OF AWESOME, ACTUALLY, BUT DEFINITELY NEEDS WORK.

text; UN: TripleJ

[kyley_b]

i'd like to point out that SOME people got infected not by opening a random link but because SOME of us were smooched by idiots.

2/2

[kyley_b]

OR because they reinfected themselves trying to FIX what some idiot did.

text; like on the 20th January or something

[droptheious]

OH MY GOD IT WAS YOU. Do you know what chaos you caused my household?! I ended up with a whole new set of powers because that stunt freaked me out so much! You unearthed a whole mess of trauma my boyfriend has been actively covering up for years!

[And casually added to his corruption but he's doing his best not to Blame People For That.]

Maybe don't put some weird message all "no you need to click this!" make it do weird things to people and then say "oh wow, maybe you shouldn't have clicked on it!". What were you even trying to achieve anyway?

text hell yes

[klawful]

OH TRUST ME, BUDDY, I LIVED MY OWN FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY BECAUSE OF THIS.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE MORE GRATEFUL BECAUSE OF A NEW SET OF POWERS.

BUT I AM SORRY ABOUT THE TRAUMA. THAT ACTUALLY DOES SUCK. IS HE OKAY?

(He was going to feel guilty about that, sincerely.)

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, BUT BEFORE THAT I WAS LIKE "HEY SOMETHING IS FUCKED UP-" C'MON. COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE.

I WAS TRYING TO ATTEMPT A COMBINATION OF COMPUTER SCIENCE AND BLOOD MAGIC. IT TECHNICALLY WORKED, BUT NOT QUITE THE WAY I HAD ANTICIPATED.

un: eudaimonikos; text

[eudaimonikos]

[Michael's pretty sympathetic to this, given his own general apology abilities.]

I think you're usually not supposed to include three paragraphs of insults in an apology.

text

[klawful]

(Hm...Michael might have a point.)

DO YOU THINK ONE PARAGRAPH OF INSULT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE APPROPRIATE?

text; un: doublehedgedsword towards the end of the month

[laminae]

i'm never opening up something you send ever again

[Because it was super fun opening up that vault of identity-ruining worms, yup. Super fun.]

text

[klawful]

YEAH...I WOULD RECOMMEND THAT.

I AM SORRY FOR THE RECORD. TO YOU PERSONALLY. SPECIFICALLY. CONSIDER IT AN EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG.

un: portopia1983

[forwantofahorse]

[Sayo needs a good mental stressball to squeeze, and it seems like this "Karkat" person is a good one as any.]

I'm afraid I don't understand. What's so bad about clicking a link on the internet? What if one of my friends sent me a nice surprise?

text

[klawful]

(He does make for a good stress ball.)

THEY COULD SEND YOU A NICE SURPRISE, SURE, BUT THEY COULD ALSO SEND YOU THE MOST FUCKED UP PORNO OR SOME HORRIFYING VIDEO TO SCAR YOU FOR LIFE. A REAL FRIEND WOULD LIKE TO SHARE THEIR TERROR WITH OTHER FRIENDS.

text; un: morningstar

[morningstud]

This is quite the disingenuous apology, you realize.

[Godson, son of God is disappointed in you, Karkat.]

text

[klawful]

(Oh no. He can't disappoint his godchild.)

I PARTIALLY REALIZE THIS. WAS IT THE "BITCH" PART? IT WAS THE BITCH PART, WASN'T IT.

(He really has no idea.)

Text - UN: CentaursTesticle

[alternia_strength]

D --> For me to be disappointed in your f00lishness last lunar cycle would require that I e%pected better performance from you
D --> Just as you e%pect nothing but insane drivel and occasionally well constructed d00msday devices from me
D --> I have long learned to e%pect you to first outmaneuver yourself
D --> And then to make the performative act of shouting about how stupid you once were and what a terrible leader you were at that time

D --> Which is to say

D --> I see it is a day concluding in a y in the human calendar
D --> Karkat is performing his self deprecating rhetoric for being a f00l again

D --> Also if it were not obvious even I am not stupid enough to click your link
D --> Even when you are in your proper faculties

D -->

D -->

D -->

D --> Bitch

1/??

[klawful]

(What....)

un: 30hotdoglimit

[stilljustyou]

Are you really sorry?

text

[klawful]

YES. DO YOU REALLY HAVE A 30 HOT DOG LIMIT?

text; username: grollschwert

[hauntedsavior]

Oh, is that what happened?
See, I know basic goddamn internet safety.
Even if a link is from someone I trust, I gotta be careful with it.
It's real easy to spoof someone or take over their account.
You're only as safe online as your least-internet-safe friend.

You're still not anyone's leader, though.

text

[klawful]

CONGRATULATIONS YOU KNOW THE MOST BASIC INTERNET SAFETY RULE MOST PEOPLE LEARN WHEN THEY ARE GODDAMN WIGGLERS. I WOULD HATE TO SEE HOW MANY OF THESE DUMBASSES WOULD GET SUCCESSFULLY CATFISHED.

OKAY, YES I AM. I AM SO MANY PEOPLE'S LEADER, YOU DON'T EVEN *KNOW*.

text | un: sharpshooter

[azurestar]

…i feel kiiiinda like i missed something

text

[klawful]

OBVIOUSLY. NOT SURE HOW, BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING OBLIVIOUS I GUESS.