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HELLO FELLOW SLEEPERS. I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICALLY OFFER MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES FOR THE TRICKSTER VIRUS I IMPLEMENTED LAST MONTH. A THEORY OF MINE GOT OUT OF HAND AND PEOPLE HAD TO SUFFER FOR IT WHICH IS 100% MY BAD. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD LEADER AND INSTEAD, I FAILED YOU ALL. AS PER FUCKING USUAL.

(Karkat. Holy shit. No one thinks you're their leader. Again.)

PAST ME IS ARGUABLY THE MOST WORTHLESS, IDIOTIC TROLL TO HAVE EVER EXISTED IN ANY TIMELINE OR REALITY. TRULY, HE PROBABLY HUFFS CEILING CHIPS TO PUT TOGETHER BASIC SOLUTIONS. THAT GUY IS SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT SO I FULLY SUPPORT YOUR (PLATONIC) HATRED OF HIM. HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

TO BE HONEST, I WOULD SUPPORT YOUR HATRED OF CURRENT ME TOO. YOUR FEELINGS OF HATE ARE COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF ME ROYALLY FUCKING SHIT UP FOR SOME PEOPLE. AGAIN, MY BAD.

I WOULDN'T EVEN JUDGE YOU FOR HATING FUTURE ME EITHER.

...

ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO EXTRAPOLATE A VERY CRUCIAL POINT: IF YOU CLICK ON A LINK SOME RANDO SENT YOU ON THE INTERNET, YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. YOU ARE THE DOWNFALL OF YOUR OWN SPECIES AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN IDIOTSVILLE. CONGRATULATIONS, DICKBAG, I HAVE CRAFTED A DUNCE CROWN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOW THE MAYOR OF MORONS. DOES IT FEEL SPECIAL TO BE SO STUPID? DO YOU FEEL CONTENT IN YOUR ABYSMAL DEN OF DERELICT THINK FUNCTIONS?

I BET YOU DO, YOU GODDAMN PROTOZOIC ORGANISM. YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN MOTHERFUCKING PWNED BY THE MOST BASIC VIRUS SPREAD EVER AND IF YOU ARE EMBARRASSED, I WANT TO OFFER YOU A FIRM CLAP ON THE SHOULDER. YOU SHOULD FEEL EMBARRASSED.

BITCH.

(--Yeah, okay. Just ignore him. As he said, he gives you full permission to hate current and future him too. Starting now.)

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i'm just saying it's not like your apology didn't suck ass, too!

what? KARKAT YOU DIPSHIT NO
no! no you can't hurt him!

I DID MY BEST! AND YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING ONE AFTER I RETURN THE TROLL TO YOU SANS LIMBS!

[Sorry, Kyle. Maul is good and properly mad now.]

He offered and I am sorely tempted to accept. Since this has nothing to do with you, YOU get no say in it.

I SWEAR TO GOD MAUL

IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME I'M PART OF THE REASON IT HAPPENED SO THERE YOU GONAN CUT MY HANDS OFF TOO?!

Don't tempt me.

[A two-for-one deal? Hmmm, perhaps. Maul's not about to just let bygones be bygones here. It's not in his personality.]

for seriously?! you'd cut my hands off just because you're being a little bitch about being turned pastel for a day or whatever?

did you actually get hurt?

[Nope, just embarrassed, but that's enough to invoke Maul's wrath regardless.]

I warned you I was not a good individual no matter what you might think of me. There are some things I am willing to let go and others I cannot. This is one of them. Now you may either get the hell out of my way and let me have the troll or stand in my path and face the consequences. Your choice.

bullshit. you're trying to be a better person, and that includes learning to forgive people if they fuck up.

you can't cut his hands off. i really need his hands, maul. i wouldn't cut off your boyfriend's hands.

if you two really can only solve this by fighting fine. i guess. but if you take it one step too far i'm intervening! and no weapons or powers!

And how many people have forgiven me when I "fuck up"? People are willing to believe I'm responsible just about anytime someone drops dead around here.

[And it's right on cue for Maul's victim complex to show up!]

That depends entirely on one thing. I've asked your troll and I will ask you now. Does he get off on someone committing violence against him?

well i don't know about that. the last time anything happened a lot of people sure defended you.

not just ANYONE no.
but he might think you're black-flirting with him. it's a troll thing.

I'll stop being cynical of being a scapegoat when people stop believing it right off the bat entirely.

.....Trolls are strange.

[It's not quite enough to deter Maul from wanting to beat Karkat to a pulp but it definitely is giving him second thoughts.]

i didn't believe you did anything bad off the bat.

dude you have NO idea. having a true enemy is a form of romance in their culture. it's cool.
so, like.
don't try and get my boyfriend to cheat on me with you, ok?

....This is true.

[Even he can admit Kyle has been a strong supporter of his here.]

I know. It's made me reconsider the way a few relationships work in my own life.

[After all, he'd very nearly felt the urge to kiss Obi-Wan the other day when they'd been arguing on his porch.]

............Perish the thought.

[Ew. He's already got enough romantic complications without some troll accidentally thinking he was in love with him.]

everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt, you know?
well, almost everybody.

right?! it's wild but it makes sense.

cool, thanks. i figured you'd be a bro. also he's not your type, but still, i can't have you becoming this amazing kismesis for him because where would that leave me? i'd have to fight you!

That will be to your detriment one of these days.

[But Maul hopes he's not the one to prove Kyle's naivete wrong.]

Oddly enough, it does.

[Maul was one of those people that needed things to be fit into boxes sometimes to help him understand their place in his mind. Karkat and his obnoxious explanations had managed to do just that for him.]

Oh, you could try again. And fail again. We both remember what happened at the Gate.

maybe. but so what?

yeah! so. you have a kismesis, then?

dude exactly my point! you really wanna kick my ass?

You may end up getting hurt from it.

.....I do.

[Maul's a bit reluctant to talk about Obi-Wan but at the same time it's a very new perspective for him to approach the tangled relationship he's had with the man for so long from.]

Well, it certainly wouldn't be satisfying, that is for certain.

so?

dude is he here?

see? so why don't we just like, call off all the fighting entirely? he really is sorry.

Not everyone enjoys learning the world is not as kind or optimistic as they think.

Yes.

[He could have lied but what was the point? Most of Trench was well aware that he and Obi-Wan had a history and rivalry that went back quite a ways.]

No. I think I will still beat him senseless and then feel better for it.

oh my god why does everyone think i believe the world is kind?
i KNOW it isn't. that's why it's so important for us as people to be.

do you guys hang out?

god, fine, but no weapons and no powers! and i won't be cooking you anything for quite some time then!
but IF you decided to let it go this ONE time... i'll make you whatever you want all week.

Mostly because people who think the best about other people tend to be starry-eyed optimists who are dismayed to learn that the world is not nearly as lovely as they'd like to believe?

....Define "hanging out."

[Well, he and Kenobi had a number of conversations that hadn't warranted the two of them ending up in a physical fight, so Maul was thinking that was close to what Kyle might have been meaning.]

....You make a tempting offer. But I am not one to let someone who won't apologize for their mistakes go simply because I am being bribed.

[Sorry, Kyle. Maul is inordinately stubborn sometimes.]

well that's not me.

like be around each other and don't kill one another, maybe doing an activity or talking.

you suck.

karkat NO. you don't just let people beat you up because you made a mistake!

IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEET THAT YOU ARE DEFENDING ME.

YOU'RE ALSO VERY ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU ARE TELLING SOMEONE ELSE TO FUCK OFF FOR MY SAKE.

of course i'm defending you, it was an accident!

really? <3

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