text | carcinoGeneticist | apologies

[klawful]

HELLO FELLOW SLEEPERS. I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICALLY OFFER MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES FOR THE TRICKSTER VIRUS I IMPLEMENTED LAST MONTH. A THEORY OF MINE GOT OUT OF HAND AND PEOPLE HAD TO SUFFER FOR IT WHICH IS 100% MY BAD. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD LEADER AND INSTEAD, I FAILED YOU ALL. AS PER FUCKING USUAL.

(Karkat. Holy shit. No one thinks you're their leader. Again.)

PAST ME IS ARGUABLY THE MOST WORTHLESS, IDIOTIC TROLL TO HAVE EVER EXISTED IN ANY TIMELINE OR REALITY. TRULY, HE PROBABLY HUFFS CEILING CHIPS TO PUT TOGETHER BASIC SOLUTIONS. THAT GUY IS SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT SO I FULLY SUPPORT YOUR (PLATONIC) HATRED OF HIM. HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

TO BE HONEST, I WOULD SUPPORT YOUR HATRED OF CURRENT ME TOO. YOUR FEELINGS OF HATE ARE COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF ME ROYALLY FUCKING SHIT UP FOR SOME PEOPLE. AGAIN, MY BAD.

I WOULDN'T EVEN JUDGE YOU FOR HATING FUTURE ME EITHER.


...


ANYWAY. NOW I HAVE TO EXTRAPOLATE A VERY CRUCIAL POINT: IF YOU CLICK ON A LINK SOME RANDO SENT YOU ON THE INTERNET, YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. YOU ARE THE DOWNFALL OF YOUR OWN SPECIES AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN IDIOTSVILLE. CONGRATULATIONS, DICKBAG, I HAVE CRAFTED A DUNCE CROWN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOW THE MAYOR OF MORONS. DOES IT FEEL SPECIAL TO BE SO STUPID? DO YOU FEEL CONTENT IN YOUR ABYSMAL DEN OF DERELICT THINK FUNCTIONS?

I BET YOU DO, YOU GODDAMN PROTOZOIC ORGANISM. YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN MOTHERFUCKING PWNED BY THE MOST BASIC VIRUS SPREAD EVER AND IF YOU ARE EMBARRASSED, I WANT TO OFFER YOU A FIRM CLAP ON THE SHOULDER. YOU SHOULD FEEL EMBARRASSED.

BITCH.

(--Yeah, okay. Just ignore him. As he said, he gives you full permission to hate current and future him too. Starting now.)

Comments

Re: text

[klawful]

OKAY. NO.

NO, YOU'RE COMPLETELY RIGHT. LISTEN, I THINK I'M HALF PISSED BECAUSE THE VIRUS SEEMED SO OBVIOUS TO ME, AND I'M HALF PISSED BECAUSE IT WASN'T OBVIOUS TO PEOPLE I DON'T WANT HURT. SO I'M SITTING HERE ACTING LIKE A JACKASS AND HOPING TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT IT IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY RATHER THAN JUST HAVING A NORMAL CONVERSATION GOING, "HEY, DUDE, JSYK, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, DON'T FUCKING DO THAT."

SO. YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT. BAD ATTEMPT AND APOLOGY.

HOW WOULD YOU DO IT THOUGH? I MEAN, YOU FUCKED UP SOMETHING, BUT ALSO YOU WANT TO GIVE A WARNING ABOUT HOW THIS FUCK UP COULD HAPPEN AGAIN AND YOU WANT THEM TO HAVE THE SKILLS TO AVOID IT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I LOVE KYLE. HE IS ONE OF MY TWO MOST FAVORITE HUMANS ALIVE.

Re: text

[imaglyphwitch]

You could just tell them you made a mistake. I know you don't want to seem vulnerable, but if you do it the way you just did, they'll think the apology was just a way to troll them, no pun intended. I mean, for some this is their first impression of you. You don't want it to be "hey, I mess stuff up and I don't apologize" right?

"Hey my guys, I'm totally sorry I messed up, but I'm kind of a scientist so give me berth when I'm doing my thing so you don't get the shrapnel." Simple! That way they know you're sorry and that you might do it again without meaning to (or insulting anyone).

I'm super jealous of you guys. You're both weird and strange and seem to complement each other kind of well. Kyle just stood up to DARTH MAUL for you. That is devotion if I ever saw it.

[klawful]

BUT TROLLING PEOPLE IS WHAT I *DO* IT IS WHO I *AM*. (Sigh. He knows she's right though. Begrudgingly.)

LISTEN. THE WORDS YOU TYPE ARE TECHNICALLY TRUE, BUT I CANNOT ELABORATE ENOUGH ON HOW BAD I AM AT FIRST IMPRESSIONS. I AM NOTORIOUSLY BAD AT THEM.

THAT IS PROBABLY A BETTER APPROACH TO THIS, OKAY, FINE. OKAY.

(That wasn't the worst advice seeing as he didn't feel he actually loses out on anything by it.)

I WILL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

THANK YOU. WE DO COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER VERY WELL. I AM LUCKY TO HAVE MET HIM.

OH, THAT JACKASS WHO WANTS TO THROW A TANTRUM BY BEATING ME UP? YES, HE DOES SEEM RATHER EMOTIONALLY STUNTED AND JUVENILE. KYLE WOULD STAND UP TO ANYTHING. HE IS BRAVE AND HONORABLE. NO NEED TO BE JEALOUS THOUGH. YOU SEEM LIKE A DECENT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE. SOME SAP WOULD PROBABLY GO NUTS OVER YOUR GRATINGLY CHEERFUL DISPOSITION.

(Now, this doesn't sound like a compliment...but it is...If you really squint...)

[imaglyphwitch]

Oh, I know. You're not the first troll I've talked to on the network. You guys are a class on your own.

[And that was not said in a strange or demeaning way. She honestly found them super interesting if a little direct, and that was ok. The idea that people in this place could come from so many different parts of the universe endlessly fascinated her].

You're not alone there! Granted I never created a program that drastically changed who I am, but at least it only lasted for a little while!

[Not that she thought for a minute Varian was anything close to amused with what that did to Fern. Ooo had some CRAZY things going on there].

I appreciate that. THAT is a real apology, and it's sincere!

Same!

I mean, uh. Darth Maul is not someone you just go and change his whole personality. He has a whole "thing" about that, for reasons he'll disclose if he wants to. But he's pretty much a former assassin, so he tends to be temperamental at best.

Ha! Best joke you told all day!

[SAD ZING]!

[klawful]

OH, SO YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO EQUIUS? I APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF OF MY STUPID ASS NOTFRIEND.

THANKS THOUGH. WE ARE PRETTY AWESOME. (If you ignore the mass genocidal tendencies and borderline obnoxious personalities.)

WHAT DID YOU FUCK UP ON THEN?

THANKS. I GUESS.

I DON'T THINK MOST PEOPLE ARE SOMEONE YOU CAN CHANGE AN ENTIRE PERSONALITY OF. FORMER ASSASSINS SHOULD BE A LOT MORE LEVEL-HEADED THAN THAT. WAS HE AN ACTUAL ASSASSIN OR JUST A SERIAL KILLER FOR HIRE BECAUSE I FEEL THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. ASSASSINS ARE COOL AND SMOOTH AS FUCK. THAT GUY IS ANYTHING BUT.

IT WAS PRETTY AWESOME WASN'T IT.

[imaglyphwitch]

He was really intense, but it wasn't bad!

[Just weird. Very weird].

Oh well, I was pretty bad at human interactions back home. I was pretty intense, and bad at making friends. Like, I had none, at all.

[It was actually what spurred a series of events that led her to learning magic]!

With Darth Maul? If he wanted to kill you, he could. Let's leave it at that. He didn't do the talking about it he does now. You'd just be dead unless you had some mad, MAD skills. As someone who was almost killed by him thanks to some messed up series of events.

Yeah. I can see why you and Kyle get along!

[klawful]

UGH. YOU'RE WAY TOO NICE IF YOU THINK THAT ASSHOLE ISN'T THAT BAD.

SO. YOU WERE A LOSER.

KILLING PEOPLE ISN'T THAT HARD OR IMPRESSIVE. CREATURES DIE FOR STUPID REASONS ALL THE TIME. HIS LACK OF SELF-CONTROL DOESN'T IMPRESS ME. I HAVE KNOWN MUCH MORE IMPRESSIVE MASS KILLERS. I DON'T DOUBT THAT HE CAN KILL ME, I JUST DON'T REALLY FIND IT THAT INTIMIDATING OR WHATEVER.

THANKS, I THINK. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE IN THIS WART OF A CITY?

[imaglyphwitch]

Oh I was talking about Fern there, not Darth Maul! Maul is definitely pretty bad if he doesn't like you.

You...really just don't mind pulling punches, huh? No. I wouldn't say I was a loser. It's more accurate to say I was high strung and no one liked that. There was some truth to say I needed to be reigned in, but not in the way that it was happening, and a bunch of stuff happened after that.

There's more to him than that, but that's the way this place is: it pulls you from the thing you were doing, and then you find out you have to live with a lot of other people from their own worlds. I'm not saying he shouldn't try harder, but I think people need to understand that he's just VERY different from a lot of us.

[Manipulation, gaslighting, murders...there was a whole list of things with Maul, and they were things that he'd reveal if he felt like it].

Oh, sure.

Me? Nah. I've got my hands full in this house with everyone. I don't think I'd even know HOW to date someone at this point.

[Not that she didn't want to, it was just...pretty much unexplored territory].