Keith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tempredmental) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deernet2022-08-10 12:26 pm
tempredmental) wrote in deernet2022-08-10 12:26 pm
[ video -> voice | un: keith ]
[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.
As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]
Shit-...
[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]
I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.
But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.
[And then the feed shut off.]
As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]
Shit-...
[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]
I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.
But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.
[And then the feed shut off.]
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How- how can you be okay? I came up here to- to help you through what happened to you and- and then I went and did that to you. Made you see- see…
[His breaths start to come short and shallow for a second, and then he stops altogether, swallows and lets out a huff. He's here in this moment, not there. He's here to help Keith, if Keith even wants it anymore now that he's seen what Lance did and Lance made him see it, and… Keith's question catches up to him.]
No I'm not okay! Neither of us are okay! [A short pause as he finally hears the horses nervously neighing and Kaltenecker mooing.] And neither are they!
[Well, seems like he has something to put all his agitated, frustrated and terrified energy into. With that, he turns on his heel to head to the ladder down to the stables to… do something. There's nothing endangering them, they're just scared and he needs to at least be able to do something for that. Can he use his powers to be a horse whisperer? He can't think straight, he just needs to fix what he can or he's gonna lose it again.]
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[No... no, that's not what he wanted. Keith felt a weird sense of panic rise up in his chest for a moment as Lance started to head for the ladder.]
Wait! [His voice cracked a little as he said it.] I-... I didn't say... I didn't say that I was okay. [He sniffed again, looking down at the loft floor. His hands clenched into fists again, resting on his knees where he was kneeling.] I didn't. [And, no. He hadn't said that. He said he would be okay... but that didn't mean he was at the moment.] Look, I-... [He swallowed.] I'm not good at this, okay? You know that by now.
I'm sorry. I just... I know you came to help. And that... that means a lot. Just... I don't... [Deep breath.] Don't go?
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He sniffs a little and looks down at the ground between them, eyes getting glassy. Then he takes the two steps back to where Keith sits and falls heavily back to his knees in front of him. He's silent a moment, not sure what to say as there's just so much. Too much.]
'M sorry. [It's more than just for misunderstanding and almost leaving. For everything he did and how much he failed them all and for not being enough. And he's not sure how to make any of this better or how to protect or help Keith and he just keeps messing up and hurting. It feels like apologies are not enough, so he digs deep for something more:]
What… what can I do? [To help, make it better, make up for… everything.]
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Keith shook his head again.]
Don't. My fault. I wasn't.... clear. [Because he was afraid to admit he wasn't okay... afraid to be vulnerable and open himself up to someone because... they might leave.] I didn't want to push you away. I just don't know... how to... not do that.
I don't want to be alone. I just... I've always been before, and... it's hard to do anything else. [Like asking someone to stay.]
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Even when they'd started to take a romantic turn in their relationship, it took a curse to get him to admit how he felt to Lance. And perhaps it's paleblood intuition or just knowing the patterns of this world's curses by now, but he knows this is all Keith. It feels like this is too significant and fragile to be placed at his feet and he's going to end up saying or doing the wrong thing. If not now, then eventually. His chest feels tight with fear at just how vulnerable this has been for both of them now.
He forces himself to take in a shuddered breath through a tight throat. He feels raw and unsteady after everything that's led up to this moment and he can't think, so he just lets his mouth move with his gut as the conductor (not his heart, that asshole will just betray him).]
I… I know. [He hunches inward and his hand continues to twist his gem in its cuff around his wrist, which he holds to the center of his chest. Keith knows all this already, most likely, especially after holding him on the beach in the wake of Hunk leaving, but he thinks it'll help here if he explains in his own words to connect with Keith on this issue that's so difficult for him.] Since ending up in Deerington, and then here… I know what it's like to lose people. One after the other… after the other. So… it feels safer to push everyone away, or run away. And it… it wasn't just you.
[A traitor of a tear escapes his eye and he reaches up to swipe it away quickly.] I never told anyone before now… about what happened. Not even Hunk. Because… I was ashamed. And afraid… that I'd lose him, and Shiro, and the rest… [When they realized what a fuck-up and a coward he was, a monster.] S-so I wanted to run first. Before I hurt you again, and you…
[He can't get himself to say it outright, but the fear of rejection is palpable enough to choke on. The way he's shaking and a faint glow is blooming under his skin throughout this whole explanation betrays how he is still waiting for that other shoe to drop. Despite all the evidence in front of him that Keith isn't going to do that, his self hatred insists it's what he deserves. He shakes his head, throat closing up a bit. He forces a swallow. His voice shakes.]
I don't wanna be alone, either. [He hasn't been before like Keith, on that point they differ. But he feels like it's what he deserves, so sometimes he can't help but create his own fears.]
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But, knowing it wasn't just him Lance had tried to run from, that he'd even tried to run from Shiro and Hunk, his hero and best friend respectively, made him feel a little better. It wasn't just their own history that made Lance hesitant. It was everything with everyone, and that kind of settled Keith's nerves a bit about things. He was still worried about losing Lance, yes, but the idea that it might have been just him had hurt more than he realized.
That was a little startling to figure out, too.
He was glad, though... glad that Lance didn't want to be alone, either. Keith nodded a little.]
So, then... maybe we could be... not alone... together? [It had sounded better in his head, but, after saying, he kind of cringed a little at how lame it sounded out loud.]
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Actually, he is genuinely concerned that he's hallucinated again and had another break with reality. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened in this way to some degree. It feels like this shouldn't be happening, the vulnerability and everything else is utterly terrifying and his throat is closing up.] I…
[His stress ticks up and he can feel tears start to spill over again from his eyes. He's also breathing weird and can't hear right, his peripheral vision darkening a bit. A panic attack, he distantly realizes. He's had one before.] Y-yea- M-may-mayb-
[He's trying to say 'maybe' through his closing up throat and his constricting lungs. For some reason, not wanting to scare Keith off because he can't seem to handle a little bit of positive growth. Everything has been bleak survival and on the verge of collapse or collapsing around him consistently for so long that this is just a bit much for him. Please hold while he tries not to faint from hyperventilating.
He hunches over, placing a hand on the floor in front of him and it's glowing more than before as his vision tunnels. He sounds faint as he continues to struggle and loses control, he needs to calm down but he can't think clearly enough.] I-I'm s-sorry, I-
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I-I... I don't mean to push... or-or anything. I'm sorry. You don't have to stay if you don't want to.
I just... I thought... [Maybe it would be okay for them to just be there for each other for a while.]
It's okay. [Please don't blow up. Please don't blow up.
He knew he could potentially shield a bit against the resulting shockwave or something, but this close? He wasn't so sure. He hesitated, and then just... acts. He reaches out, cooling his hand as much as possible without freezing it over, and grabbed the hand Lance had put on the floor in the hope of at least maybe getting his attention and preventing the wood underneath from igniting.]
Lance, please... it's okay. I didn't mean to get you upset.
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On instinct, he summons Valor, his coyote omen. In a puff of black smoke, it appears next to him, sitting calmly in contrast to Lance's shuddering struggle to breathe. The omen doesn't waste more than a moment for Keith to acknowledge his presence before he gets to "explaining."]
He is having a panic attack. [He looks pointedly at Lance as he wheezes as if to say 'isn't it obvious?' Then back to Keith.] …You should kiss him, it will shock him out of it.
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WHAT?
Keith stared at the omen with wide eyes. DID THE COYOTE JUST-...?]
You think I should WHAT? How is THAT supposed to help?
[Yeah, Keith was kind of... uhhh...]
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To shock him out of it. Are you deaf? [He looks back at Lance pointedly as the glow of his body flares and then subsides, flickering with the chaotic flow with his panic.] You do not have much time. Kiss him.
[It's not wrong, at this rate Lance will either choke on his own closing throat and faint from lack of oxygen. Or he'll burn down the barn. Valor is rather certain he's not going to explode, but like himself, Lance has always been unpredictable…]
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He kind of glared a little at Valor, like he was suggesting something stupid. Last Keith checked, kissing someone wasn't exactly standard procedure for getting someone out of a panic attack, so he was going to try some more traditional methods first.
Starting with tightening his grip on Lance's hands. Cold was supposed to help, right?
Except it wasn't because Keith forgot that Lance's powers made it hard for him to feel that.]
Lance. I need you to focus on my voice, okay? I want you to try counting with me. Nice and steady...
[And he'd start... slowly... and just keep going... every second, another number, in order. Though, if that didn't work, he might get more desperate.]
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Valor watches for a few moments. He can tell Keith punched through some layer and at least got the situation out of the red alert zone. But it's not improving beyond that because of how overwhelmed and raw Lance is. And it could slip back into dangerous territory quickly if no progress is made. Truthfully, there are probably more ways to shock Lance out of it or make better progress, but Valor has an agenda.]
He can't feel cold. Or hear you very well. [A pause as he tilts his head, looking at Keith. Somehow he manages to raise one coyote eyebrow in a very clear silent 'you know what I'm going to tell you you have to do so why aren't you doing it already?'] …Well?
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There was a 50/50 chance in Keith's head of this working. The other option was that Lance would just explode anyway.
And the aftermath of either was...
Keith pushed that out of his head. Couldn't think about that now. He grunted a half-growl and just... did it.
In one swift motion, he leaned in and planted a pretty firm, but close-lipped kiss on Lance's mouth, holding there until he felt a response before pulling back, hoping his didn't look as red as it felt from the blush.]
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And then Keith is very close, their noses are brushing. And his perception of everything is in question, but he is not imagining that touch, he is not imagining Keith's mouth against his. In some moments, his hallucinations get vivid enough for him to feel touch. This… would be very different from that. All at once, his breath stops, he's holding it, frozen as he processes with more open eyes.
But he needs to breathe, so he gasps once heavily against Keith's mouth, and on instinct, his hands come up to Keith's shoulders just to try and hold on before he falls over and also, reaffirm that Keith is actually there. He doesn't push him away, just holds on, perplexed, overwhelmed but in a different way now. The kiss invoked a different set of fluttering and scary emotions (hope, love… fear) and forced him to focus on his body, on his breath, and that punched through the hurricane of what he was already feeling and managed to dissipate it just enough to shakily stabilize.
On instinct, he may have just started to lean into the kiss right as Keith pulls away. Lance rocks forward with the motion and nearly falls into him, gasping and taking deep, ragged breaths. But they aren't hyperventilating wheezes anymore and his glow has died down to something more faint and fluttering, like a struggling lightbulb.
One hand is still on Keith's shoulder as the other fell to the ground by Keith's hip when he moved. His arms are trembling as they hold him up and he tries to mentally get a grasp of what the fuck just happened, head hanging as he breathes just a few inches from Keith. To the side, Valor seems to be smirking right at Keith in an silent 'told you so', but he doesn't say anything.
Lance just needs a minute to catch his breath and process, but he manages a hoarse:] What…?
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And he waited.
And he watched.
Was Lance going to freak out? Was he going to be okay with it? Keith swallowed hard. Part of him almost wanted Lance to freak out, to just get the whole thing over with, that kissing him had been a bad idea, and they should just forget it happened and move on. The other part, though, was afraid of exactly that and knew that, deep down, as much as Keith might not want to admit it, a freak out like that would hurt... a lot... and he was hoping it wouldn't happen.
He swallowed hard, having instinctually reached out and tried to catch Lance when he started to tip forward.
When all that came out was just a rough and confused 'what', Keith almost felt his heart sink a little.]
I uh-... Well... He told me to do it. [It wasn't a lie. It was just leaving out the part that he might have maybe liked it...]
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At the explanation, he looks to the side to see his omen and his heart sinks and clenches. He glares at the omen, his head tilted in a way where only Valor can see it. Fucking coyote. He knows he's like that because he's an extension of Lance himself, but he also hates himself so his ire at his omen is more than warranted. And he suspects he knows why the coyote insisted on this method of helping, knowing that Lance has been trying to forget about what it feels like to be intimate like that with Keith, and probably wanted to remind him of it.
But Keith doesn't remember and trying to be together was a mistake anyway, it wasn't fair to him to bully him into a kiss like that. And now it just hurts like hell knowing Keith didn't suddenly remember or something like that, which for a moment he did hope for. And now on top of all the other stuff that was stressing him the fuck out before, he has to try and smooth this over. He swallows, trying to keep his mental footing in a raging river that's just… all of it.]
O-of course… he did. [He sounds rough, trying to hide his heart breaking all over again. But strangely, it's not like before because even he can't entirely forget that Keith still did it. No, it means nothing. It would be a bad idea anyway, shut up.] I… I'm sorry. F-for losing it… like that. Again. I…
[He's just sorry for all of it. His stupid omen. And all the rest of his screw ups and failures. For scaring Keith like that. And for having these feelings and desires that won't just go away and leave them both in peace.]
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Ouch.
Lance's reaction hit something hard. There was no, "Oh, it was good," or, "Thanks for kissing me," not that Keith expected it, but... he wasn't sure what he expected or even wanted out of that. But it wasn't... this. Well, not entirely. Lance seemed to have broken out of the panic attack, so that was good, at least. It had been part of his goal, after all. The primary one, the one he'd been aiming for. Everything else would have just been... nice...?
Why was this bothering him?]
N-nn-no, no... it's... you don't have to apologize.
[And there was also the pressing issue in the back of Keith's mind that asking him to stay had triggered the panic attack in the first place. That really hurt. Keith bit his lip for a second.]
You uh... You don't have to stay if you really don't want to. [Keith slumped back a bit, shifting from kneeling to sitting on the floor again. He pulled his legs up in front of himself and wrapped his arms around them, almost pulling in on himself into the same huddle he'd been in when Lance had first arrived.] Like I said... I'll be okay. I just need some time. [He lowered his head to rest his chin on his knees.] I shouldn't have asked. I know it's hard for you to be around me.
Thanks, though... for coming in the first place.
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But there's also a part of him that recognizes distantly how selfish that is too. Keith literally just admitted to him that he doesn't know how to do anything but be alone and push people away. And Lance relates for his own reasons. One of them has to choose to risk to break the cycle and he feels like since he screwed this up, it should be him. Even if it has his chest tightening with threat of more panic, but he curbs it off, gripping his gem on his wrist and focusing on his breath.
He swallows and looks at Keith anxiously, looking torn and conflicted. Then slowly, he makes himself get off his knees, still unsteady and shaking through his body intermittently. He gets into a more comfortable position, legs crossed, posture hunched with his elbows on his knees as he continues to clutch at his wristband.]
I… we had a moment… kinda like that. Back in Deerington. [He is choosing his words so fucking carefully.] A lot of things were different… but by the end we agreed to… not be alone. Together.
[That's one way to say 'we agreed to be boyfriends', but it's vague enough to not be a confession and it helps that those are also just the words Keith used before Lance had the attack. He swallows thickly, continuing to focus on keeping his shit together.] And then a few months later… you left.
[He continues looking down and holds his arms tightly to himself and he continues to fidget. That's one of the reasons he had the attack, anyway.] I- I want to stay… I'm just… I'm just scared, man. And I wasn't sure if- if you were real just then. If you are real, sometimes.
[Yet another difficult admission. But he already touched on it when he had to tell him why he asked Moira for that injection and Keith saw the memory, he knows it's not a secret. Still, talking about it isn't easy because he does his best to hide it and come off as normal. He shakes his head as another attack builds in his breath and he makes himself keep going to curb it off.]
I panicked because it feels like if I say yes and stay it's gonna curse us or something and I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense. B-But I'm a total crazy person, right? A-and I don't- I don't even get why you'd want me to stay, because I'm- I'm… [He shakes his head and gives up on that. He's hearing and seeing things that are drawing his attention to the side and he's too worn down to ignore them. Weakly, he finishes on a question:] Do you? …Want me to stay?
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Sometimes, Keith felt like he'd regressed backwards because of this place. Everything he'd been able to finally overcome back home because he had a support network, he had people he trusted and let in, people he thought would never give up on him... and it was just... gone. All over again. Like when he was ten years old and dropped into the foster care system after his dad died... already aged out of being adopted. No one wanted a grief-stricken pre-teen who couldn't control his emotions.
He definitely could understand where Lance was coming from. It was hard to trust and get attached only to lose it again. In that, they definitely understood each other. He nodded, wanting to show that he understood. He understood the fear, the desire to protect himself from getting hurt again, that need to push someone away even if you didn't want to be alone. He could feel himself doing it even now, his physical reactions of pulling in on himself, the walls he could feel forming in his psyche to protect himself.
And Lance asked then... asked if he wanted it... if he really wanted him to stay. For a split second, Keith hesitated. Lance had said he was scared, but he also said he wanted to stay. He was willing to take the risk. Keith lowered his eyes a little, staring off into the distance as he weighed that, and then he nodded again.]
Yeah. [His voice was a little shaky. In a place like this, he'd already seen and learned that getting attached to anyone was risky. They could die and not come back. They could turn back into a squid and disappear into the ocean. It was all a risk.] I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. [He met Lance's eyes as he said that. He wanted to take that risk, too.]
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Even after…? [He clenches his eyes shut tight against a flash of gore. He lets out a breath that hitches mid-way and he finds himself shaking his head and croaking a brief and humorless laugh.] M-maybe you're the one that's crazy.
[He sniffs and brings a sleeve up to wipe at his face. He's so afraid it's unreal. Somehow almost as terrified as when The Reckoning was coming for Keith, and there's still so much he doesn't understand. Feels like he should be yelling at Keith for taking that kind of risk. Because he's dangerous and why can't he see that, why doesn't he… but that comes from deep within himself, and the voices.]
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I just... I know that you wouldn't do something consciously to hurt me, and I know that you'll make the best decision you can, no matter what it is. [Okay, maybe the whole situation with The Reckoning hadn't been the best decision either of them had made, but Lance had his reasons for not giving in to Keith's demands about that. It wasn't like he just... didn't... or wasn't giving in for bad reasons.]
Stuff here is fucked up. I get that. So, things aren't always going to work out. But that doesn't mean I don't still trust you. And I want to support you, too. So... [He put his hand out.] we're in this together, right? Like you said... we make a good team. We can still do that.
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You know, you should think about directing some of that speech to yourself. You'd never consciously hurt innocent people… and you aren't weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. [He doesn't think he needs to backtrack and clarify what he's talking about. It's the whole reason they're here together in the first place. An impromptu memory share momentarily stole both their attention, but that concern and purpose never left him.
He then takes Keith's hand and continues, voice shaking with a doubt he can't help, doubt in himself, but determination to try his best not to let Keith down and the fear that he will is palpable in every aspect of his body and voice.] I… I trust you and I'm always gonna try to have your back too. And we… we can definitely still do that. I'll… try not to let you down, anyway.
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Instead, Keith managed a small weak smile in return... a doubtful one, but he was trying.
But he was glad Lance took his hand, and that got a better smile in response. He nodded.]
Honestly, that's all I can ask of anyone... is just that they try. Shiro once promised me that he'd never give up on me. And he made me promise not to give up on him, and not to give up on myself. I haven't done so great with the second one. I know that. But... [He squeezed Lance's hand.]
I'm not gonna give up on you, either. Okay? So... try not to give up on yourself, either.
[He only let go of Lance's hand long enough to put it on his back. He was a little unsure of going any further at the moment, though he knew Lance was okay with the idea of hugs. He was just nervous to push too far... Not that he'd turn one down if Lance wanted to interpret the move as an invitation for one.........]
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So hearing that places a lump in his throat. But he's so exhausted by the emotional distress and baggage getting dealt with here that he doesn't speak to it. He doesn't have the words, or the desire to bring up concerns about Shiro with Keith, the king of being concerned about Shiro.
And he's pretty sure that he gave up on himself a while ago, and the idea that Keith is vowing not to give up on him makes him feel a little choked up. There's just a lot of baggage for him in that whole well-meaning pep talk that is just so endearingly Keith that he finds himself with a pang in his chest and feeling warm all at once. He just nods, tiredly and offers Keith a tight smile.]
I haven't done so great with it either… [He takes a pause to consider something else to say, but then Keith's letting go of his hand (he'd almost forgotten they were doing a handshake thing) and putting it on his back. His heart jumps at the way Keith does it, something about it feels intimate in a very familiar way. And his gut instinct is to nervously joke.] Heh. You trying to kiss me again, or something?
[There's a slight shake in his voice there that comes from the immense amount of pain and baggage he has over the very concept of kissing Keith. There's a reason he tried to just ignore the last one, but it's still an elephant in the room that hasn't been addressed properly, and he sure is addressing it now! What the fuck is wrong with him?]
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