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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

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[Keith noticed that distant stare, like Lance was trapped in something again. He felt the shaking, and started to once more get worried he'd pressed too hard on this. Sure, Lance had said for him to ask anything, but this kind of reaction was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid. Keith didn't want to make Lance talk about something he wasn't ready to.

Yet, here they were, and Keith was scared he'd pushed too far with his questions. His hand moved again, this time across Lance's back as if to pull him into a hug, since that had worked once before, right? Except... he froze.

Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

It stuck in his head for a second, repeating itself, until Lance said something about her being "the first". That finally got Keith to blink and come out of it. He still looked somewhat shocked, but Lance's physical actions also caught his attention. That, and the fact that Keith knew how Lance had felt about Allura. Heck, he'd encouraged Lance to go on that date, to make the effort to get closer to her, resolving his own feelings about the whole situation in that moment because it was more important for his friends to be happy than for him to be-.........]

It was something... like this... right? Like what happened to me. You were being forced or tricked or controlled or something... right?

[It had to be. There was no other way that Keith could feasibly see Lance killing Allura.]

[Needless to say, it hadn't really helped their relationship in Deerington. Allura hadn't blamed him, and he'd resigned himself to accepting that, but he still couldn't look at her without seeing her covered in blood and screaming. Kind of a mood killer for romantic feelings.

The questions that follow are not surprising, even if it feels like every word is another tear in his skin. Because he wasn't forced, not really. Not like Keith was, anyway. He knows logically that it wasn't something he'd wanted to do, not at all. But it all ended up the way it was because of his poor judgement.

The silence that follows Keith's questions is betraying in itself, but it's also because he's clearly trying to figure out the right words. Trying to put his mind all in order enough to coherently give him answers.]

I… we were… down there. And it was there. It was my fault she- [He sucks in a sharp breath and his hand slides down to cover his eyes like that can somehow make the flashes stop. At the very least, it dulls the hallucinations he sees, not so much the ones he hears. It's all a mess, his memories. He can't remember big chunks, and what he does remember feels like an old broken and scratched up film reel. Out of order, a mess, maybe not all accurate.] I- it was… everything's… out of order.

[Keith had honed in on just the idea that Lance had killed Allura. He wasn't immediately seeing the danger they might be in if Lance overloaded by continuing, and he clung to it, needing to know more.]

But, why? Do you remember why?

[He sounded maybe a little panicked. He'd fought against Shiro here, fought against friends. Would he have to... would it come down to killing each other here, too?

That frightened the shit out of him.]

[Why… why. The why was clear as day even as as it happened while he was losing his mind. There was more to it than that, on some level he knows that. But guilt and trauma broke him and now the biggest thing that sticks out when it comes to why…]

…She wouldn't… stop screaming.

[His voice is shaking and unsteady and he's not entirely in the present moment, eyes distressed and glassed over as his hand has slipped back to his hair and he's looking off to the side. Half, or even more than half of him is stuck back there, and that is not good for his continued control. This road of memories are the hardest, the ones that first broke him and continue to haunt him and break him over and over.]

[Which definitely sounded like an odd reason. But then, Keith's mind kicked back in for a second. That couldn't be right. It wasn't like Allura to just scream about something. She was stronger than that.]

But that was something happening to her, too, right?

[Because, why would she keep screaming otherwise, right? There had to be something... something getting to her as well.]

[His shoulders rise to his ears as the question brings him back to the lantern, and all in one go he's hearing the song and his hands instinctively cover his ears as he shuts his eyes tight. Short, shallow panicked breaths, the shift in him is alarmingly abrupt and that includes the glow, which goes up like a burst of solar flare off the surface of the sun. When he speaks, it's hushed and not really directed at Keith.]

It- it got her, Ahí abajo, en lo más hondo. [Abruptly he makes a frustrated and aggressive sound as his stress elevates his instability to the point where he breaks with what's real. Then he fires a bolt of energy at a bale of hay nearby. His voice is hoarse with fear and anger.] Nobody asked you.

[He seems to somewhat realize a second later what he might have just done, looking horrified and then mentally and physically reaching for the stabilizing gem on his wrist. It glows in response and he presses his palms to his eyes, trying to keep it together.] Sh-shit. 'M sorry, I- I…

[He cuts off, because what is there to really say? He's still hearing and seeing things, but the gem is dulling it as he concentrates on it. It's there, it's stressful and confusing, and he's still not entirely sure of the here and now, but he knows he just did something violent and could have hurt someone. Again. That was enough to get him to at least question himself.]

[It was fast. It was too fast. Keith didn't have the sense or time to move and stop it before it happened. But he was quick enough to launch as big of an ice spike as he could make right into the center of the flaming hay bale in an attempt to curb the flames. For extra safety, he did the same with the ones surrounding it, hoping the ice would melt quickly enough to soak the area and prevent the fire from spreading.

He felt a little like it was his fault for pushing so hard, and sagged, watching the flames start to die a bit in a haze of thick steam. He'd been so fixated on it. It was frustrating. He kept hearing bits and pieces of what happened in those tunnels and no one seemed able or willing to tell him the whole story.

At least, for now, he was out of his own head. He turned, shifting himself around so he was facing Lance.]

Hey, it's fine. I pushed too hard, okay? I didn't... [He sighed.] I'm sorry. I should have just left it alone. [It didn't matter that Lance offered. Keith bit his lip hard, and then reached over, gingerly putting his arms around him.]

It's okay. It was my fault. I'm sorry. [It was almost automatic that his own body temperature started to drop to compensate for Lance's, to try to bring it down and control the heat and flares.]

[As Keith deals with the flames, his gem is working overtime as he focuses on it and tries to ground himself. What happened? Where was he? He knows where he is. He smells the barn, he can feel Keith nearby, the energy of his ice magic coils around the room.

And then he's touching him again and by that point, he's back to the moment enough to not mistake it for something else. Keith's words reach him but they sound and feel far away like he's talking to him through glass and water. But he can still hear him from where he's trying to swim through the dark.

What is he talking about? It's not- it's not his fault. If only he could just remember right, or even show Keith the answers he's looking for. His hands come away from his eyes to grip Keth's jacket though he keeps them closed as he tries to focus. Even though he's fully clothed with only his head and neck exposed, some part of Keith's skin brushes with his as the right combination of distress, desperation and energy activates an otherwise dead part of his paleblood magic. And the memory is given to Keith.

It's complete and in proper order, all the blank parts buried deep in Lance's psyche are patched back in and that is seen and felt in a shift of quality, the way it plays out feels like a damaged film but still clear enough. And it's from Lance's point of view, complete with his distorted perceptions, hallucinations, confusions, and emotions, but even through all of it, all the right information to understand exactly what happened is there.]

[As Lance began to respond, gripping his jacket, Keith tightened his own grip now, pulling them closer together like he had that day on the beach. As he leaned in, his cheek rested against Lance's head, initiating the needed contact to start the latent power from Lance's bloodmagic.

And Keith gasped slightly, stiffening up as he tensed his muscles in response to something suddenly in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, but was forced to watch... forced to experience the whole thing. Allura's distress, the creatures attacking them, the whispers and voices in Lance's head, the hallucinations, the injuries... all of it. For a moment, Keith felt like he might break with them, but the lickers and lantern had no effect on him directly like this in a memory. It was just them. It was just him, watching what had already happened, with no power over any of it.

Watching his friends, his teammates, his family... two of the people he cared most about... suffer, and one to die...

Keith choked on a sob, his hands clenching into fists around the fabric of Lance's coat and he was still, other than a tremble, huddled into the hold he had around Lance.]

[He doesn't relive it, because this share is of his own making, his own power, even if he doesn't realize he's doing it. But it doesn't go unnoticed either, because sharing the memory overrides what usually happens when someone touches his skin. Usually, he'd be taking in pain, physical and emotional from the other person. And he can still sense Keith's emotions like he does normally just being near him, but there's a big difference between that and what he gets when he touches people.

The absence of the pain drain is loud and burning, his skin where it touches Keith's tingles in a strange way. And he's abruptly much more aware of the present, that too is a side effect of this new manifestation of his paleblood magic. It's almost as if Keith seeing the memory and experiencing it is lessening its effect on Lance. He's still disoriented and feels a lot like he just got resuscitated after drowning, but he's aware.

Keith's emotions cut through it all, as does his stiffness and his choked sob. Lance's heart clenches in confused concern and empathy. He sucks in a sharp breath, suddenly fearful that the absence of pain draining means he did something to hurt Keith instead and pulls away, breaking the contact. But not before the memory is complete. His hands uncurl from Keith's clothes and come up to his shoulders to steady him and hold him a bit away so Lance can look at him and try to see what happened. They are still rather close.]

K-Keith. Are- are you okay? [He looks around the loft, like he's still not entirely sure of his perceptions of reality and still disoriented.] I… did I… what… did I do?

[A 'this time' and 'to you' goes unsaid simultaneously but felt in the hoarse whisper that is his voice, heavy with dread.]

[When Lance broke the contact and gingerly put that space between them, Keith released his own hold on Lance's jacket, bringing one arm up to rub across his eyes.]

N-no... it... it wasn't... [Keith didn't understand what happened. He didn't know it had been Lance's power.] It wasn't you... I... I don't know. I saw it. I saw what happened.

[He doesn't know right away what Keith means by that, still disoriented. But he knows it must have to do with what they were talking about/doing before- before. What? He needs to take a moment to try and backtrack and organize the mess that his head became in the last few minutes. He's visibly, slowly mentally putting it together and as he does, he stiffens and trembles a bit.]

What… happened- [He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes flickering around rapidly, gaze fixed somewhere on Keith's chest and to the right of him.] I-

[He feels sick and it shows as he hunches a bit. It's not the first time his memories have been shared with other people, but it is the first time they've been shared with someone from home. Someone this close. And the heaviness and fear of that is a lot to come to grips with all at the same time as not understanding just yet how it happened. And then there's the guilt at not just what he did to Allura, but that Keith had to experience it too. He zeroes in on that, maybe- maybe he can f-fix it.]

I'm sorry. I… I can take some of it… [Touch him (again), and dull the emotional pain with his powers. He can feel the distress radiating off of Keith, distress that he recognizes as his own, lingering from his own memory that Keith just experienced. It's a strange mirror within a mirror within a mirror sensation. And that's what gets him slowly realizing what happened.] I… I did this…

Mm-mm... [Keith shook his head rapidly.] No. No... [He sniffed, rubbing his face.] I'll be okay... I just... need a minute. [He'd actually had this happen once before with Sasuke's sharingan power. He took a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves. Granted, with Sasuke, it was no where near as personal, but, as he associated what had happened and connected the two events, he was able to reconcile it a bit more in his head.

It hadn't happened to him. It was Lance's memory. Yes, it still sucked, but he hadn't been there. And there was nothing that he could do to change it.

He just had to repeat that to himself a bit...]

I'll be okay.

[Meanwhile, the ice had done its job, melting into the flames. The barn loft smelled like a smokey sauna up there, all steamy and smokey, and just kind of yuck, but the flames were out, at least.

The animals below hadn't liked it, though, and were starting to make some noise to protest.]

Are you... are you okay?

[Yes... Keith was worried about Lance, too. That had definitely been an intense moment between them.]

[Despite Keith's assurance, he feels sick with guilt and a mounting frustration and agitation. It's hard to place why, it just feels like there's a lot that's just happened in the span of a few minutes and he didn't come here to inflict Keith with this. He's such an idiot. He shakes his head, shuddering and his hands leave Keith's shoulders as he pulls away to stand, hand restlessly turning his stabilizing gem around his wrist as he paces a couple steps to the right and then back as he talks.]

How- how can you be okay? I came up here to- to help you through what happened to you and- and then I went and did that to you. Made you see- see…

[His breaths start to come short and shallow for a second, and then he stops altogether, swallows and lets out a huff. He's here in this moment, not there. He's here to help Keith, if Keith even wants it anymore now that he's seen what Lance did and Lance made him see it, and… Keith's question catches up to him.]

No I'm not okay! Neither of us are okay! [A short pause as he finally hears the horses nervously neighing and Kaltenecker mooing.] And neither are they!

[Well, seems like he has something to put all his agitated, frustrated and terrified energy into. With that, he turns on his heel to head to the ladder down to the stables to… do something. There's nothing endangering them, they're just scared and he needs to at least be able to do something for that. Can he use his powers to be a horse whisperer? He can't think straight, he just needs to fix what he can or he's gonna lose it again.]

Lance- [Keith looked up, watching him pace, a litany of emotions on his face and none of them positive.] But- I-...

[No... no, that's not what he wanted. Keith felt a weird sense of panic rise up in his chest for a moment as Lance started to head for the ladder.]

Wait! [His voice cracked a little as he said it.] I-... I didn't say... I didn't say that I was okay. [He sniffed again, looking down at the loft floor. His hands clenched into fists again, resting on his knees where he was kneeling.] I didn't. [And, no. He hadn't said that. He said he would be okay... but that didn't mean he was at the moment.] Look, I-... [He swallowed.] I'm not good at this, okay? You know that by now.

I'm sorry. I just... I know you came to help. And that... that means a lot. Just... I don't... [Deep breath.] Don't go?

[The tone of Keith's voice when he says wait tears at his heart and he freezes only two steps into his walk. He turns to him slowly, roiling with his emotions but also getting a faint sense of Keith's even though he doesn't need to when he's talking like that. Looking like that. He clenches his teeth and his jaw trembles with emotion as he realizes he'd misunderstood.

He sniffs a little and looks down at the ground between them, eyes getting glassy. Then he takes the two steps back to where Keith sits and falls heavily back to his knees in front of him. He's silent a moment, not sure what to say as there's just so much. Too much.]

'M sorry. [It's more than just for misunderstanding and almost leaving. For everything he did and how much he failed them all and for not being enough. And he's not sure how to make any of this better or how to protect or help Keith and he just keeps messing up and hurting. It feels like apologies are not enough, so he digs deep for something more:]

What… what can I do? [To help, make it better, make up for… everything.]

[He looked up when he heard Lance turn. The panic started to ebb a little as Lance came back, and Keith watched him drop down. The apology, though...

Keith shook his head again.]

Don't. My fault. I wasn't.... clear. [Because he was afraid to admit he wasn't okay... afraid to be vulnerable and open himself up to someone because... they might leave.] I didn't want to push you away. I just don't know... how to... not do that.

I don't want to be alone. I just... I've always been before, and... it's hard to do anything else. [Like asking someone to stay.]

[He supposes that's probably true, it wasn't that clear, but Lance also took it the way he did so instantly for his own damaged reasons. Though he wants to tell Keith it's not his fault, he gets the feeling that's not an argument worth their time right now. It's not lost on him how hard this is for Keith, because he's been making some big steps himself in this conversation. And he knows Keith rather intimately.

Even when they'd started to take a romantic turn in their relationship, it took a curse to get him to admit how he felt to Lance. And perhaps it's paleblood intuition or just knowing the patterns of this world's curses by now, but he knows this is all Keith. It feels like this is too significant and fragile to be placed at his feet and he's going to end up saying or doing the wrong thing. If not now, then eventually. His chest feels tight with fear at just how vulnerable this has been for both of them now.

He forces himself to take in a shuddered breath through a tight throat. He feels raw and unsteady after everything that's led up to this moment and he can't think, so he just lets his mouth move with his gut as the conductor (not his heart, that asshole will just betray him).]

I… I know. [He hunches inward and his hand continues to twist his gem in its cuff around his wrist, which he holds to the center of his chest. Keith knows all this already, most likely, especially after holding him on the beach in the wake of Hunk leaving, but he thinks it'll help here if he explains in his own words to connect with Keith on this issue that's so difficult for him.] Since ending up in Deerington, and then here… I know what it's like to lose people. One after the other… after the other. So… it feels safer to push everyone away, or run away. And it… it wasn't just you.

[A traitor of a tear escapes his eye and he reaches up to swipe it away quickly.] I never told anyone before now… about what happened. Not even Hunk. Because… I was ashamed. And afraid… that I'd lose him, and Shiro, and the rest… [When they realized what a fuck-up and a coward he was, a monster.] S-so I wanted to run first. Before I hurt you again, and you…

[He can't get himself to say it outright, but the fear of rejection is palpable enough to choke on. The way he's shaking and a faint glow is blooming under his skin throughout this whole explanation betrays how he is still waiting for that other shoe to drop. Despite all the evidence in front of him that Keith isn't going to do that, his self hatred insists it's what he deserves. He shakes his head, throat closing up a bit. He forces a swallow. His voice shakes.]

I don't wanna be alone, either. [He hasn't been before like Keith, on that point they differ. But he feels like it's what he deserves, so sometimes he can't help but create his own fears.]

Oh. [Keith remember that first day, when he was stuck in that weird bubble of goo... he remembered how Lance had been so standoffish and yet helpful at the same time... how confused he'd been. He'd even gone to Shiro about it, trying to figure things out. He'd been scared that everything they'd developed back home was gone. And, yeah, Lance had given him a lot of reasons, and each one pieced together more and more of the puzzle.

But, knowing it wasn't just him Lance had tried to run from, that he'd even tried to run from Shiro and Hunk, his hero and best friend respectively, made him feel a little better. It wasn't just their own history that made Lance hesitant. It was everything with everyone, and that kind of settled Keith's nerves a bit about things. He was still worried about losing Lance, yes, but the idea that it might have been just him had hurt more than he realized.

That was a little startling to figure out, too.

He was glad, though... glad that Lance didn't want to be alone, either. Keith nodded a little.]

So, then... maybe we could be... not alone... together? [It had sounded better in his head, but, after saying, he kind of cringed a little at how lame it sounded out loud.]

[If Lance didn't know better, he'd think Keith just asked him out in that socially awkward Keith way of his. The emotions that course through him are stifling. It's a strange mix of grief, relief, confusion and refusal to accept something he feels he doesn't deserve on a deeper level. They flash over his face as he looks at Keith like he can't quite believe he's real.

Actually, he is genuinely concerned that he's hallucinated again and had another break with reality. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened in this way to some degree. It feels like this shouldn't be happening, the vulnerability and everything else is utterly terrifying and his throat is closing up.] I…

[His stress ticks up and he can feel tears start to spill over again from his eyes. He's also breathing weird and can't hear right, his peripheral vision darkening a bit. A panic attack, he distantly realizes. He's had one before.] Y-yea- M-may-mayb-

[He's trying to say 'maybe' through his closing up throat and his constricting lungs. For some reason, not wanting to scare Keith off because he can't seem to handle a little bit of positive growth. Everything has been bleak survival and on the verge of collapse or collapsing around him consistently for so long that this is just a bit much for him. Please hold while he tries not to faint from hyperventilating.

He hunches over, placing a hand on the floor in front of him and it's glowing more than before as his vision tunnels. He sounds faint as he continues to struggle and loses control, he needs to calm down but he can't think clearly enough.] I-I'm s-sorry, I-

Edited 2022-10-13 06:28 (UTC)

[Keith furrowed his brow at the reaction, and then starts to slowly panic as well. He knew enough about Lance's powers that he knew that something weird with his emotions would set him off, and the last thing they needed was for him to blow up the barn or something. They'd already done this once tonight.]

I-I... I don't mean to push... or-or anything. I'm sorry. You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

I just... I thought... [Maybe it would be okay for them to just be there for each other for a while.]

It's okay. [Please don't blow up. Please don't blow up.

He knew he could potentially shield a bit against the resulting shockwave or something, but this close? He wasn't so sure. He hesitated, and then just... acts. He reaches out, cooling his hand as much as possible without freezing it over, and grabbed the hand Lance had put on the floor in the hope of at least maybe getting his attention and preventing the wood underneath from igniting.]

Lance, please... it's okay. I didn't mean to get you upset.

[Keith's voice sounds like it's far away, but he knows what he's saying, even if he's not sure of his perceptions right now. At this point, all he can do is just shake his head. No no, this isn't Keith's fault, he doesn't want to leave. He can't even begin to find the words to explain what the fuck is wrong with him.

On instinct, he summons Valor, his coyote omen. In a puff of black smoke, it appears next to him, sitting calmly in contrast to Lance's shuddering struggle to breathe. The omen doesn't waste more than a moment for Keith to acknowledge his presence before he gets to "explaining."]

He is having a panic attack. [He looks pointedly at Lance as he wheezes as if to say 'isn't it obvious?' Then back to Keith.] …You should kiss him, it will shock him out of it.

[Okay... that made sense now. Keith could understand that-...

WHAT?

Keith stared at the omen with wide eyes. DID THE COYOTE JUST-...?]

You think I should WHAT? How is THAT supposed to help?

[Yeah, Keith was kind of... uhhh...]

[Their voices still feel far away and garbled, and he doesn't really process what Valor just said like at all. Valor knew he was too caught in the tunnel of his attack to hear that fully, which is good because if Keith does as he says then it should be a surprise or it won't work. He looks over to Keith like he's an idiot.]

To shock him out of it. Are you deaf? [He looks back at Lance pointedly as the glow of his body flares and then subsides, flickering with the chaotic flow with his panic.] You do not have much time. Kiss him.

[It's not wrong, at this rate Lance will either choke on his own closing throat and faint from lack of oxygen. Or he'll burn down the barn. Valor is rather certain he's not going to explode, but like himself, Lance has always been unpredictable…]

[Okay, but who was likely to be more shocked here? Keith at the suggestion, or Lance at the action?

He kind of glared a little at Valor, like he was suggesting something stupid. Last Keith checked, kissing someone wasn't exactly standard procedure for getting someone out of a panic attack, so he was going to try some more traditional methods first.

Starting with tightening his grip on Lance's hands. Cold was supposed to help, right?

Except it wasn't because Keith forgot that Lance's powers made it hard for him to feel that.]

Lance. I need you to focus on my voice, okay? I want you to try counting with me. Nice and steady...

[And he'd start... slowly... and just keep going... every second, another number, in order. Though, if that didn't work, he might get more desperate.]

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