Keith (
tempredmental) wrote in
deernet2022-08-10 12:26 pm
[ video -> voice | un: keith ]
[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.
As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]
Shit-...
[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]
I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.
But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.
[And then the feed shut off.]
As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]
Shit-...
[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]
I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.
But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.
[And then the feed shut off.]

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If you think that's the best place to start...
[Honestly, Keith did have specific questions, but the one that really pressed on him wasn't really related to this. So far, he'd learned bits and pieces of things about what had happened in Deerington, with the Pit. And he could make assumptions based on those bits and pieces. But he still hadn't gotten a complete and full story.
That said, he knew that the reason he hadn't was because it was such a sensitive topic. No one wanted to talk about it. And he didn't want to press too hard because it clearly bothered the people who remembered, most of whom were people he cared about and didn't want to force them into reliving the trauma just so he could get some answers.]
I mean... I don't know everything that's happened, so... I don't know that I'd really know what to ask about.
Though... [He kind of latched on to something there that Lance mentioned. It was more specific, and kind of a thing to maybe direct the topic a bit better.] You mentioned fog?
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Fog, monsters, spores… there's usually something that gets in our heads somehow. I… [He swallows, knowing that the best way he can convey how he understands how Keith feels is to talk about how he's felt and what set him on the path to feeling like that. But it's deeply traumatic, like a writhing black hole of a monster in his mind, constantly thrumming with an ever present threat.] I always blamed myself. I still do… because I made stupid mistakes that… that made me vulnerable to that stuff. And I kept making mistakes trying to fix it…
[He's kind of admitting that going to Moira for that injection was somewhat of mistake, but he'll insist it wasn't Moira's fault. She warned him, she gave him all the information he needed and let him make the choice. And at this point he's dragging his feet on his way to the hardest parts.]
I told you… about the monster that messed up my head. That happened because… because I didn't turn my stupid phone off when I was in the tunnels. [His voice breaks as he says it and his shoulders shake as he looks down at his knees. A bit of an unhinged, bitter and self loathing laugh escapes him as he turns his head to the side, trying to mask the wiping away of a tear.] And then I- …I…
[He's losing focus, looking a bit less than stable, but able to be pulled back to clarity with the right little tug.]
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But the physical reaction to the story bothered Keith. He knew Lance was trying, but watching it was hard. He hadn't really wanted to push him like that. He untangled one arm from his huddled position and placed his hand on Lance's back, just on the shoulderblade.]
You don't have to keep going...
[Though, despite his best efforts to sound more concerned and sympathetic, Keith just ended up sounding tired. This place could do that to a person.]
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After a moment, he nods. Then slowly explains why he froze:] Sometimes, my thoughts get stuck and… out of order. Like a scratched record.
[He doesn't know a better way to describe it, but it's definitely not easy for him to admit to either. He heaves a breath.] Look, this isn't… this shouldn't be about me. You… went through something really bad, Keith. I know you feel like it's your fault and all I did when you got out of that pond was just repeat the same stuff people have told me that I still don't really believe… and I guess I'll let you know if I ever figure out how to stop blaming yourself…
[His voice shakes like he's holding back something heavy, like tears and full blown madness as he admits the hardest thing of all:] And how to live with it, and… with knowing that it's gonna happen again…
[Another pause to let that be digested and to compose himself.] I wish I could tell you it gets better, or easier. Or that there's some secret formula to protecting yourself and everyone from it, but the only thing we can do is… the best we can with what we have. It doesn't- doesn't really feel good enough, it probably isn't. But… we're here together. As a team. And that… counts for something. I think.
[His jaw clenches and trembles as he recalls again exactly what he's done to teammates and people he loves before. The memories are disjointed and incomplete, scratchy… but enough to have him tensing up and going still and distant again. This time he has enough presence of mind to say:] But… n-not always.
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He let his hand slide down Lance's back and took a deep breath.]
Why...? Why wouldn't us being a team help?
[He was a little afraid of the answer, and almost regretted asking. His brow furrowed in deep concern. They were a team, they were together, they could help each other... if... well, if they weren't always pulling apart at the seams, he supposed. Like everything they'd been through back home was just... dissolved.]
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His thoughts are on a scratch out of order track again. He has to bring his hand up to his own head to try and ground himself, cut through the noise. He sees her eyes blown wide in silence with only his heartbeat in his ears and her scream comes ages later. Did she scream as it happened or before? Either way, she was quiet after. That was the goal.
Keith's voice cuts through it, though he sounds garbled at first. Lance looks back at him like he's confused about why he's there for a moment, his eyes lost and a bit wild and wet. Then he blinks, hand still clenched in his hair. Blinks again, and the present starts to sink in. When did he start shaking?]
I killed her… [His voice is hoarse and haunted as it finally just comes out in a fearful and broken whisper. He looks down again.] I killed Allura.
[He curls in on himself tighter as the shaking gets worse and a glow picks up, which might not be great considering how many flammable things are in here. Then he manages to add:] She was the first.
[The way he recoils and shrinks in on himself even further if that's possible would make some think he expects a physical blow. It's not a reflection of how he sees Keith so much as how he feels about this and what he thinks he deserves, which is rejection, abandonment, disappointment. He hasn't even told Shiro and never told Hunk, out of selfish fear of losing them.]
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Yet, here they were, and Keith was scared he'd pushed too far with his questions. His hand moved again, this time across Lance's back as if to pull him into a hug, since that had worked once before, right? Except... he froze.
Allura.
Lance had killed Allura.
Lance had killed Allura.
Lance had killed Allura.
It stuck in his head for a second, repeating itself, until Lance said something about her being "the first". That finally got Keith to blink and come out of it. He still looked somewhat shocked, but Lance's physical actions also caught his attention. That, and the fact that Keith knew how Lance had felt about Allura. Heck, he'd encouraged Lance to go on that date, to make the effort to get closer to her, resolving his own feelings about the whole situation in that moment because it was more important for his friends to be happy than for him to be-.........]
It was something... like this... right? Like what happened to me. You were being forced or tricked or controlled or something... right?
[It had to be. There was no other way that Keith could feasibly see Lance killing Allura.]
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The questions that follow are not surprising, even if it feels like every word is another tear in his skin. Because he wasn't forced, not really. Not like Keith was, anyway. He knows logically that it wasn't something he'd wanted to do, not at all. But it all ended up the way it was because of his poor judgement.
The silence that follows Keith's questions is betraying in itself, but it's also because he's clearly trying to figure out the right words. Trying to put his mind all in order enough to coherently give him answers.]
I… we were… down there. And it was there. It was my fault she- [He sucks in a sharp breath and his hand slides down to cover his eyes like that can somehow make the flashes stop. At the very least, it dulls the hallucinations he sees, not so much the ones he hears. It's all a mess, his memories. He can't remember big chunks, and what he does remember feels like an old broken and scratched up film reel. Out of order, a mess, maybe not all accurate.] I- it was… everything's… out of order.
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But, why? Do you remember why?
[He sounded maybe a little panicked. He'd fought against Shiro here, fought against friends. Would he have to... would it come down to killing each other here, too?
That frightened the shit out of him.]
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…She wouldn't… stop screaming.
[His voice is shaking and unsteady and he's not entirely in the present moment, eyes distressed and glassed over as his hand has slipped back to his hair and he's looking off to the side. Half, or even more than half of him is stuck back there, and that is not good for his continued control. This road of memories are the hardest, the ones that first broke him and continue to haunt him and break him over and over.]
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But that was something happening to her, too, right?
[Because, why would she keep screaming otherwise, right? There had to be something... something getting to her as well.]
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It- it got her, Ahí abajo, en lo más hondo. [Abruptly he makes a frustrated and aggressive sound as his stress elevates his instability to the point where he breaks with what's real. Then he fires a bolt of energy at a bale of hay nearby. His voice is hoarse with fear and anger.] Nobody asked you.
[He seems to somewhat realize a second later what he might have just done, looking horrified and then mentally and physically reaching for the stabilizing gem on his wrist. It glows in response and he presses his palms to his eyes, trying to keep it together.] Sh-shit. 'M sorry, I- I…
[He cuts off, because what is there to really say? He's still hearing and seeing things, but the gem is dulling it as he concentrates on it. It's there, it's stressful and confusing, and he's still not entirely sure of the here and now, but he knows he just did something violent and could have hurt someone. Again. That was enough to get him to at least question himself.]
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He felt a little like it was his fault for pushing so hard, and sagged, watching the flames start to die a bit in a haze of thick steam. He'd been so fixated on it. It was frustrating. He kept hearing bits and pieces of what happened in those tunnels and no one seemed able or willing to tell him the whole story.
At least, for now, he was out of his own head. He turned, shifting himself around so he was facing Lance.]
Hey, it's fine. I pushed too hard, okay? I didn't... [He sighed.] I'm sorry. I should have just left it alone. [It didn't matter that Lance offered. Keith bit his lip hard, and then reached over, gingerly putting his arms around him.]
It's okay. It was my fault. I'm sorry. [It was almost automatic that his own body temperature started to drop to compensate for Lance's, to try to bring it down and control the heat and flares.]
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And then he's touching him again and by that point, he's back to the moment enough to not mistake it for something else. Keith's words reach him but they sound and feel far away like he's talking to him through glass and water. But he can still hear him from where he's trying to swim through the dark.
What is he talking about? It's not- it's not his fault. If only he could just remember right, or even show Keith the answers he's looking for. His hands come away from his eyes to grip Keth's jacket though he keeps them closed as he tries to focus. Even though he's fully clothed with only his head and neck exposed, some part of Keith's skin brushes with his as the right combination of distress, desperation and energy activates an otherwise dead part of his paleblood magic. And the memory is given to Keith.
It's complete and in proper order, all the blank parts buried deep in Lance's psyche are patched back in and that is seen and felt in a shift of quality, the way it plays out feels like a damaged film but still clear enough. And it's from Lance's point of view, complete with his distorted perceptions, hallucinations, confusions, and emotions, but even through all of it, all the right information to understand exactly what happened is there.]
no subject
And Keith gasped slightly, stiffening up as he tensed his muscles in response to something suddenly in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, but was forced to watch... forced to experience the whole thing. Allura's distress, the creatures attacking them, the whispers and voices in Lance's head, the hallucinations, the injuries... all of it. For a moment, Keith felt like he might break with them, but the lickers and lantern had no effect on him directly like this in a memory. It was just them. It was just him, watching what had already happened, with no power over any of it.
Watching his friends, his teammates, his family... two of the people he cared most about... suffer, and one to die...
Keith choked on a sob, his hands clenching into fists around the fabric of Lance's coat and he was still, other than a tremble, huddled into the hold he had around Lance.]
no subject
The absence of the pain drain is loud and burning, his skin where it touches Keith's tingles in a strange way. And he's abruptly much more aware of the present, that too is a side effect of this new manifestation of his paleblood magic. It's almost as if Keith seeing the memory and experiencing it is lessening its effect on Lance. He's still disoriented and feels a lot like he just got resuscitated after drowning, but he's aware.
Keith's emotions cut through it all, as does his stiffness and his choked sob. Lance's heart clenches in confused concern and empathy. He sucks in a sharp breath, suddenly fearful that the absence of pain draining means he did something to hurt Keith instead and pulls away, breaking the contact. But not before the memory is complete. His hands uncurl from Keith's clothes and come up to his shoulders to steady him and hold him a bit away so Lance can look at him and try to see what happened. They are still rather close.]
K-Keith. Are- are you okay? [He looks around the loft, like he's still not entirely sure of his perceptions of reality and still disoriented.] I… did I… what… did I do?
[A 'this time' and 'to you' goes unsaid simultaneously but felt in the hoarse whisper that is his voice, heavy with dread.]
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N-no... it... it wasn't... [Keith didn't understand what happened. He didn't know it had been Lance's power.] It wasn't you... I... I don't know. I saw it. I saw what happened.
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What… happened- [He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes flickering around rapidly, gaze fixed somewhere on Keith's chest and to the right of him.] I-
[He feels sick and it shows as he hunches a bit. It's not the first time his memories have been shared with other people, but it is the first time they've been shared with someone from home. Someone this close. And the heaviness and fear of that is a lot to come to grips with all at the same time as not understanding just yet how it happened. And then there's the guilt at not just what he did to Allura, but that Keith had to experience it too. He zeroes in on that, maybe- maybe he can f-fix it.]
I'm sorry. I… I can take some of it… [Touch him (again), and dull the emotional pain with his powers. He can feel the distress radiating off of Keith, distress that he recognizes as his own, lingering from his own memory that Keith just experienced. It's a strange mirror within a mirror within a mirror sensation. And that's what gets him slowly realizing what happened.] I… I did this…
no subject
It hadn't happened to him. It was Lance's memory. Yes, it still sucked, but he hadn't been there. And there was nothing that he could do to change it.
He just had to repeat that to himself a bit...]
I'll be okay.
[Meanwhile, the ice had done its job, melting into the flames. The barn loft smelled like a smokey sauna up there, all steamy and smokey, and just kind of yuck, but the flames were out, at least.
The animals below hadn't liked it, though, and were starting to make some noise to protest.]
Are you... are you okay?
[Yes... Keith was worried about Lance, too. That had definitely been an intense moment between them.]
no subject
How- how can you be okay? I came up here to- to help you through what happened to you and- and then I went and did that to you. Made you see- see…
[His breaths start to come short and shallow for a second, and then he stops altogether, swallows and lets out a huff. He's here in this moment, not there. He's here to help Keith, if Keith even wants it anymore now that he's seen what Lance did and Lance made him see it, and… Keith's question catches up to him.]
No I'm not okay! Neither of us are okay! [A short pause as he finally hears the horses nervously neighing and Kaltenecker mooing.] And neither are they!
[Well, seems like he has something to put all his agitated, frustrated and terrified energy into. With that, he turns on his heel to head to the ladder down to the stables to… do something. There's nothing endangering them, they're just scared and he needs to at least be able to do something for that. Can he use his powers to be a horse whisperer? He can't think straight, he just needs to fix what he can or he's gonna lose it again.]
no subject
[No... no, that's not what he wanted. Keith felt a weird sense of panic rise up in his chest for a moment as Lance started to head for the ladder.]
Wait! [His voice cracked a little as he said it.] I-... I didn't say... I didn't say that I was okay. [He sniffed again, looking down at the loft floor. His hands clenched into fists again, resting on his knees where he was kneeling.] I didn't. [And, no. He hadn't said that. He said he would be okay... but that didn't mean he was at the moment.] Look, I-... [He swallowed.] I'm not good at this, okay? You know that by now.
I'm sorry. I just... I know you came to help. And that... that means a lot. Just... I don't... [Deep breath.] Don't go?
no subject
He sniffs a little and looks down at the ground between them, eyes getting glassy. Then he takes the two steps back to where Keith sits and falls heavily back to his knees in front of him. He's silent a moment, not sure what to say as there's just so much. Too much.]
'M sorry. [It's more than just for misunderstanding and almost leaving. For everything he did and how much he failed them all and for not being enough. And he's not sure how to make any of this better or how to protect or help Keith and he just keeps messing up and hurting. It feels like apologies are not enough, so he digs deep for something more:]
What… what can I do? [To help, make it better, make up for… everything.]
no subject
Keith shook his head again.]
Don't. My fault. I wasn't.... clear. [Because he was afraid to admit he wasn't okay... afraid to be vulnerable and open himself up to someone because... they might leave.] I didn't want to push you away. I just don't know... how to... not do that.
I don't want to be alone. I just... I've always been before, and... it's hard to do anything else. [Like asking someone to stay.]
no subject
Even when they'd started to take a romantic turn in their relationship, it took a curse to get him to admit how he felt to Lance. And perhaps it's paleblood intuition or just knowing the patterns of this world's curses by now, but he knows this is all Keith. It feels like this is too significant and fragile to be placed at his feet and he's going to end up saying or doing the wrong thing. If not now, then eventually. His chest feels tight with fear at just how vulnerable this has been for both of them now.
He forces himself to take in a shuddered breath through a tight throat. He feels raw and unsteady after everything that's led up to this moment and he can't think, so he just lets his mouth move with his gut as the conductor (not his heart, that asshole will just betray him).]
I… I know. [He hunches inward and his hand continues to twist his gem in its cuff around his wrist, which he holds to the center of his chest. Keith knows all this already, most likely, especially after holding him on the beach in the wake of Hunk leaving, but he thinks it'll help here if he explains in his own words to connect with Keith on this issue that's so difficult for him.] Since ending up in Deerington, and then here… I know what it's like to lose people. One after the other… after the other. So… it feels safer to push everyone away, or run away. And it… it wasn't just you.
[A traitor of a tear escapes his eye and he reaches up to swipe it away quickly.] I never told anyone before now… about what happened. Not even Hunk. Because… I was ashamed. And afraid… that I'd lose him, and Shiro, and the rest… [When they realized what a fuck-up and a coward he was, a monster.] S-so I wanted to run first. Before I hurt you again, and you…
[He can't get himself to say it outright, but the fear of rejection is palpable enough to choke on. The way he's shaking and a faint glow is blooming under his skin throughout this whole explanation betrays how he is still waiting for that other shoe to drop. Despite all the evidence in front of him that Keith isn't going to do that, his self hatred insists it's what he deserves. He shakes his head, throat closing up a bit. He forces a swallow. His voice shakes.]
I don't wanna be alone, either. [He hasn't been before like Keith, on that point they differ. But he feels like it's what he deserves, so sometimes he can't help but create his own fears.]
no subject
But, knowing it wasn't just him Lance had tried to run from, that he'd even tried to run from Shiro and Hunk, his hero and best friend respectively, made him feel a little better. It wasn't just their own history that made Lance hesitant. It was everything with everyone, and that kind of settled Keith's nerves a bit about things. He was still worried about losing Lance, yes, but the idea that it might have been just him had hurt more than he realized.
That was a little startling to figure out, too.
He was glad, though... glad that Lance didn't want to be alone, either. Keith nodded a little.]
So, then... maybe we could be... not alone... together? [It had sounded better in his head, but, after saying, he kind of cringed a little at how lame it sounded out loud.]
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