deernet | TEXT - Anonymous

i think that's something we all do at times
especially since it's so easy to get caught up in your thoughts and feel like they might be just yours and that no one else ever feels that way even though they do

[ It's.. honestly something Chizuru could afford to live by a little bit more herself. Remembering that.

But it's hard. ]

so i am honestly just glad that you were able to ask your question here like this
even if you might not have been able to do so under your own name
you are still making sure to talk to other people which is a good thing
otherwise you just end up stewing on the same feelings forever by yourself

Yes. Both at home and here, there were times when I felt that no one could ever feel like me. But I was wrong, at least here. Here, people understand the urge and the necessity to be different.

[they were in the same boat. but at least the boat wasn't the Titanic]

So am I. My feelings are still very new and I wanted to make sure that feeling this way was all right. Even though I know so many couples where it's two men or two girls. It's not like that back home. Yes, it's nice to have the option of doing so, rather than staying stuck in my own mind. The last time I stayed fixated on one (negative in that case) emotion, it could have turned into a disaster.

the last time

[ If Chizuru was better at writing messages on these things, there would have been a question mark there.. but alas. ]

if i may ask
what happened that last time
was it really that bad

[ Because if so, Chizuru may be a little worried about that happening again to this anonymous person.. She fusses easily about other people, after all, even when she doesn't know them. ]

Yes?

[Rose has developed much of the same tendencies to those she cares for. and she makes a note to look up this young woman after all has been said and done, she seems like the kind of person Rose would like]

It was. I very nearly took my own life to avoid what I was afraid of. Foolish, I know, but at the time I didn't think I had any other option.

[ Thankfully - or, well, relatively so, given the subject - taking one's own life is something that does frequently happen in the time and place Chizuru comes from, so she at least understands what could have driven this person to have those thoughts..

.. though it's sad all the same. That sort of thing is always sad, especially in Chizuru's compassionate opinion.

There's a pause, and then the feed switches - just on Chizuru's end. The text stops, and instead a young woman's voice comes through. ]

Um.. sorry for suddenly switching, but.. it just didn't feel right to only write about this. [ Not about such a delicate topic! She respects the other's anonymity, but at least wants to speak like this herself. ] I just wanted to say.. that I'm so sorry.

[ Her tone sounds genuinely sympathetic too. ]

Being driven to something like that.. it means you must have felt so hurt and desperate, and I really wish no one would ever have to feel that way. I hope that you feel like you're in a much better position now..

[in her world, doing so leaves a terrible stigma on one's family. that their relative hadn't been strong enough, brave enough to face what one was to face. she knew, though. Cal was a bad man and would be a worse husband. and her society wouldn't care when the latter proved itself.

but she needed to do something.

though, she knew she loved Jack. couldn't, wouldn't deny this to anyone.

and, given the switch to audio, this young lady is kind. Rose will have to look her up once all is said and done]

No, I understand. [comes for another young woman's voice, one warm and grateful] Thank you. For your kindness.

[and the gratitude only increases]

I do. I'm here. I...despite all of its quirks, I actually love it here. I'd stay here forever if they let me. And I hope to whatever god may exist that I'm allowed to. [and her voice softens] What about you? Do you have a home to go back to or is this it?

[ Honestly, Chizuru is a little surprised to hear the other actually speak back to her. It isn't a voice she recognizes, but even so.. she figured that maybe the other might want to remain anonymous to her, especially considering the heaviness of the subject. It's not the sort of thing you'd want to confess to just anyone, Chizuru thinks.

So in the face of that honesty.. All Chizuru can do is be honest in turn. Doing anything else would feel wrong. ]

No, I.. I do have a place to return to.

[ She feels a little guilty over it, considering what Rose is saying, but even so.. she does her best to continue to speak, despite said guilt sneaking into her tone. ]

If anything, I really have to hurry up and return to that place. I'm really worried about everything that could be going on back there while I'm here.. And I don't want to worry anyone by suddenly being gone like this. [ Even though it wasn't her own choice to come here. She still can't help but blame herself - it's how Chizuru is. ]

[from what they'd already said, the other young woman seemed a sensible, kind sort, so answering the call seemed safe. Rose knew she'd never talked to her before, so the odds of recognizing her voice were slim. and she really wants to talk this out, get a better sense for how she should proceed]

That's good. We should all have the option of choosing what we do.

[and she means it. if Jack was still alive, she'd go back to her own world. but he isn't and everyone who knew her thinks she was lost with the Titanic, so she truly has a clean slate. the notion is rather heady at times]

Do you think that time keeps passing while we're here? I've---well. I've heard another theory, that we'd be dropped off at the same general moment we left. But, if it is the former, I'm sure that all of your friends miss you very much and are trying to find a way to bring you home.

.. I'm not sure. [ She softly says.

Chizuru doesn't want to distract the other too much from all the heavy stuff Rose must surely be thinking about - but on the other hand, maybe a bit of distraction will be good for the other..? Who knows.

She'd feel bad just ignoring what the other is saying here either way, so she might as well answer. ]

The thought of it seems a little.. strange, doesn't it? A whole world coming to a halt, just because one person is missing..

Nor I. [she replies. she knows what she'd like to be the case, but there's no way of knowing for certain.

it's the uncertainty which is bothering her the most. if she had a concrete answer either way, she could learn to accept it]

Yes, I suppose so. It's rather egotistical of me to think that I'm so special that everything came to a halt back home simply because I wasn't there. [she sighs softly] Perhaps we could ask someone who's been...ugh, I don't know the proper way of putting it. Someone who's been cocooned and emerged with new memories. They might know.

[ Honestly, Chizuru was about to try and reassure Rose the moment she hears the other put herself down even slightly. It's what Chizuru does best, after all - encouraging the people around her as much as she can.

But before she can say even one word, she's..

.. well, a little distracted, let's say. ]

Um, wait, someone who's been.. what?

[ Apparently someone here hasn't heard yet that that happens to people sometimes, judging by how startled Chizuru sounds. ]

[it wasn't something Rose was used to, but those around her did. so perhaps she internalized their criticism and occasionally gave it voice. but it would disturb her entirely if she knew or that tendency was pointed out to her.

oh, dear.

perhaps she spilled beans which weren't hers to spill?]

I've seen it on the network. People talking about having been put into a cocoon not necessarily of their own making. When they wake up, they somehow tear out of the cocoon with all of their new memories still intact. It's...rather horrifying, to be honest? And concerning. What may happen in those weeks and months and maybe even years before now and when they wake up?

[ ...

Yeah, that sounds.. concerning alright, especially since the other mentions that it wasn't necessarily of their own making? It sounds like something straight out of a ghost story, and not the good kind at all. It leaves Chizuru entirely quiet for a moment or two, basically frozen in fear - especially at the realisation that it means that could happen to her at any moment too. ]

.. oh.

[ Apparently that's all the girl is capable of saying in the face of that.. Just 'oh'. A small, and kind of terrified noise. ]

I-I see. Thank you.. for telling me about that, miss..

[ So she can go fuss about it constantly now. Clearly a productive use of time. ]

[Rose worries that she's overloaded. she tended to not realize when she was overstepping. not to mention the times she's done it on purpose, but she hadn't meant for this to be one of them. especially since the young woman on the other side of the line had been so kind.

yeah. overloaded. not good]

Yes, um. Would you like to talk about it further? Well, not like like, but you sound rather distressed and I didn't mean for that to happen.

N-No, it's not your fault!

[ Let's get that out of the way first. Because it's the thing Chizuru always wants to get out of the way first. She knows that she gets worried easily, and fusses a lot, but she certainly would never want anyone else blaming themselves for that. ]

It's just that it sounds.. um..

[ Her voice trails off.

She may be trying to think of a diplomatic way to word this, despite Rose having no stakes in this since it's not like she's the one putting people into cocoons.. ]

It sounds a little.. scary..? Especially since it could happen out of nowhere.. [ Which means that all of them are always at risk of that.

Not exactly a pleasant thought. ]

Perhaps, but please let me apologize anyway.

[because there are people she means to be mean to (hello, Cal), but this young woman certainly isn't one of them.

and Rose waits while she figures out the best way to say what's on her mind. goodness knew she accidentally gave her more than Rose had bargained for]

It does. And that's the problem, it could. So I'm trying to make the most of everything until the possibility happens. And that is an assumption. You and I could be fortunate and not have it happen at all.

[does she sound reassuring? she hopes she does. she didn't mean to start an existential crisis]

.. I guess that's true..

[ But it's still hard to not worry about it. Especially when you have trouble with fussing and anxiety - like Chizuru does. She's pretty sure that this worry is just randomly going to pop up in her head every now and then..

But she also doesn't want Rose to have to feel guilty over that, so she just bites her lower lip for a moment, thinking about what could be best to say here. ]

There are just.. a lot of things in this place that feel very overwhelming to me. I'm very sorry. I'm just really not good with dealing with all of it.. [ Though she's trying.

But it's a lot for a sheltered person like Chizuru who was suddenly thrown right into all this. ]

[it's hard for her to not worry about it, too, but she tries to put on the best brave face that she can. not like she can let herself do much else. back home, she'd never bothered to try, at least not after a certain point.

mostly involving Caledon Hockley. and her engagement to him]

To me as well. My world is...very much average. Nothing supernatural or high technology. Much of this is overwhelming to me, too. And there's no need to be sorry, I mostly pretend that I get it until I actually do get it. [it sounds like she is.

Rose was somewhat sheltered, too. less so after the death of her father and she found out how much money they didn't have. but she knows she has a long way to go]

[ Something perks up slightly in Chizuru's voice. ]

You feel the same way?

[ She didn't notice it until now - mostly since Chizuru assumes that most people more or less understand this place. After all, it's not often that she hears about someone who's struggling with all this supernatural stuff as much as Chizuru herself is..

.. which might be why her voice is perking up like that. Having someone who could relate to it would be.. so nice, actually. ]

I really thought I was the only one, or one of only a few, who found all of this so confusing..

[ But apparently there was someone out there who felt the same way all along. ]

[she doesn't sound as alarmed, which makes Rose breathe a sigh of relief]

I do. Very much so, very often.

[she tends to assume most people are entirely used to things here as well. but even simple kitchen appliances like a toaster often stymie her. she's too proud to ask for help, though, trying to muddle through things on her own.

and it would be very nice. she'd appreciate it a great deal, especially with this young woman]

Believe me, you're not. I frequently am not sure of how to proceed with things like technology of just about every kind. And I know even less of what to do with the supernatural. My world had ghost stories, which worlds don't? But they never told me what to do when the scary things were real. Yours was...much the same?

[indeed. she tries to keep her confusion stamped down as much as she can, but there are times when she can't help showing her ignorance, as embarrassing as it is]

Yes.

[ Okay, so maybe Chizuru's world has one or two supernatural elements. But those aren't known to the general public, and even Chizuru herself didn't know about them until fairly recently back in her own world.. So saying this doesn't feel like a lie. All the supernatural stuff still feels new and terrifying to her all the same because of that, after all. ]

There wasn't much out of the ordinary where I come from.. like you said, a lot of the things you'd find here would just be ghost stories and nothing more there. And we didn't have any of these.. um, these devices either. Or these odd clothes..

[ Chizuru truly isn't used to western clothing, after all. Japan had been so closed off back in her own time. ]

I don't know what to do with all those.. those buttons. [ Yes, she does mean buttons on clothes.

The clothing style in her own world is definitely wide and breezy. Nothing like tight button work or corsets. ]

Or with a lot of other things.. [ She sounds a little ashamed to admit it, but at the same time, it truly seems like Rose gets what she's saying here. So that's what makes Chizuru force herself to say it anyway. ]

Ah. So there are at least two of us?

[and hers has a right bastard named Caledon Hockley. if that particular menace ever arrives, she's busting out her recently learned karate and handing him his ass personally. evil people were fairly common and decency seemed to be few and far between. probably why she fell so hard for Jack, so fast]

We didn't have any of it, either. I'm still not fully adjusted yet, but I've been here since February. How long have you been here? If I may ask?

[she knew that Japan had just become open shortly before her birth, but didn't know much more than that]

I barely knew what to do with them, either. I had a ladies' maid for such things back home. As soon as I arrived, I discarded my previous style of dress. It was impractical, at best. If you like and wouldn't consider trying a few new things, I can take you shopping? You can try a few things on, see what you do and don't want.

[....she may have burned her old corset upon arrival]

With a lot of other things? Are you...speaking of romantic entanglements?

[ Forget everything else Rose says.

That last part is met with a suddenly very flustered Chizuru - even if Rose can't see her, she'll definitely be able to hear it thanks to the surprised noise Chizuru lets out right upon hearing it - who immediately squeaks: ]

N-N-No!

[ Oh, gosh, no. Just the idea of it is enough to fluster her! ]

I-- I mean, um..! Everything in this place is already complicated enough without that..!

[ For sure. ]

It's more just.. everything? But it feels a little scary and embarrassing to admit that.. [ Even though she's doing so now. But Rose has admitted all sort of scary things on her end too, so Chizuru figures she also ought to be brave here. ] Especially since I've been here for just as long as you, so I feel like I should be understanding more at this point..

[ Yet it's all still pretty difficult for her. ]

[she can hear the nervous tone of the other young woman's voice and tries to hasten to reassure her]

It's entirely all right to feel that way, and you're right to at least some degree. This place is complicated. And falling for someone means you've got another person to worry about in addition to ourselves. It can be awfully complicated.

[all said in as soothing a voice as she can manage]

There's nothing scary or embarrassing about any of that. We all cope in our own ways, in our own time. Something could come along that would completely startle me, but you'd be able to deal with it just fine. But...what do you feel like you should understand more? Maybe I can help?

[it can still be difficult for Rose, too, which is why she's so eager to help]

[ What does she feel like she should understand more? Is there even anything specific she can pick out when Chizuru feels that way when faced with pretty much anything in this place? She isn't too sure, and for a moment she doesn't seem to answer, instead lightly chewing on her lip as she thinks.

It doesn't feel right to single out one thing when there's so much she doesn't understand, but she tries to just name the first thing that comes to mind. Just so Rose has something to work with, when she's being so kind to offer Chizuru help. ]

Um.. For example.. All that talk about our blood. I realise that our blood is special here-- different. [ She's at least gotten that far. ] But people also say that we should be able to do special things with it, and that part I don't understand at all.. I haven't noticed anything different about myself ever since showing up here.

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