deernet | [ video -> voice

[That actually did hit a chord in Keith. He was quiet for a while, just letting that sink in, before finally picking up his head just enough to look at Lance.]

What caused it?

[Not, "what happened?" because he had a feeling that it would be too hard to talk about what he'd done. If Lance had felt back then what Keith was feeling now, then he knew Lance wasn't going to want to recount what he did to everyone. But, finding out what made Lance do it? Was it similar to what happened to him? He kind of felt that was important.]

[Though Keith's intentions in avoiding asking what happened are good, that's still a pretty loaded question. Lance has spent a lot of time mentally tormenting himself with guilt and shame that it's hard for him to really know for sure what caused it. Not to mention…

He lets out a broken huff of a laugh that disappears the moment it bursts into existence. The look on his face is more haunted than normal as he allows some of his walls to slip.]

…Depends on which time we're talking about. [He swallows thickly.] It happened… a few times.

Oh. [Keith hesitated, the awkward laugh indicating to him that he'd definitely hit a nerve despite his best attempt not to. He looked down.] Sorry. [He was just messing up all over, wasn't he?]

[The apology startles him a bit and his eyes jerk to Keith in confusion. After a moment of searching his face and posture, he looks down and closes his eyes, shaking his head.]

I wouldn't've brought it up if… if I didn't plan to talk about it. [Another pause where he considers something, hesitates. Then just does it, shifting closer to Keith, still against the hay bale, but now within touching distance. He reaches his foot out and nudges Keith's ankle slightly before pulling it back.] So you know you're not alone…

[He lets out a shuddered and tense breath, running a shaking hand through his hair. It takes great effort to make his voice steady and sure because he is very far from it, and it does show in every other way.] Go ahead, ask me anything.

[Keith flinched slightly. He hadn't been expecting Lance to nudge him like that. He looked towards him again, trying to judge the situation as best he could.]

I just... [He took a breath.] I don't want... maybe... [Words were hard right now, and he looked away for a moment again, squeezing his eyes shut.] Whichever's... easiest... I guess? [Not that he expected any of them to be easy, but he didn't want Lance to go to his worst memory. It was bad enough to just deal with this as it was right now.]

[He makes a note to not nudge him without warning like that again. Then swallows hard when Keith fumbles through his words like that. As though he thinks Lance is gonna delve into gory detail and hurt himself.

Well, if he's being honest he'd probably answer the same way. And if he's being even more honest… this is going to hurt him to talk about no matter how he approaches it. He's quiet for a long moment, long enough that one might wonder if he's ever going to say anything.]

…Most times it was because of supernatural stuff getting in our heads. One month it was this fog that seeped in. A few other people got violent too. I… um… [He lets out a shuddered breath, rubbing an arm and looking twitchy and distant as his thoughts scratch and split like shrapnel.] …I actually don't remember everything that well all the time. There's… a lot of holes.

[And that's the truth, not a cop out to avoid saying more. One reason he'd told Keith to ask him anything was because it's easier to answer specifically directed question than aimlessly reach in the spotty chaos of his own head. He reaches up with a hand to rub at his eyes.]

Maybe… starting at the beginning…

[Keith hesitated, but then nodded a little.]

If you think that's the best place to start...

[Honestly, Keith did have specific questions, but the one that really pressed on him wasn't really related to this. So far, he'd learned bits and pieces of things about what had happened in Deerington, with the Pit. And he could make assumptions based on those bits and pieces. But he still hadn't gotten a complete and full story.

That said, he knew that the reason he hadn't was because it was such a sensitive topic. No one wanted to talk about it. And he didn't want to press too hard because it clearly bothered the people who remembered, most of whom were people he cared about and didn't want to force them into reliving the trauma just so he could get some answers.]

I mean... I don't know everything that's happened, so... I don't know that I'd really know what to ask about.

Though... [He kind of latched on to something there that Lance mentioned. It was more specific, and kind of a thing to maybe direct the topic a bit better.] You mentioned fog?

[Lance manages a sympathetic slight smile. He can tell Keith feels like he's walking in a mine field, and he doesn't want this to go too far off the rails. He came here to talk to Keith about this for Keith's sake and he doesn't intend to make him feel uneasy at all by it. Or to lose the point in all the gory details of his past in Deerington and Trench. He takes a moment to try and focus his mind a bit, taking a deep breath and letting it out slow. Then he nods.]

Fog, monsters, spores… there's usually something that gets in our heads somehow. I… [He swallows, knowing that the best way he can convey how he understands how Keith feels is to talk about how he's felt and what set him on the path to feeling like that. But it's deeply traumatic, like a writhing black hole of a monster in his mind, constantly thrumming with an ever present threat.] I always blamed myself. I still do… because I made stupid mistakes that… that made me vulnerable to that stuff. And I kept making mistakes trying to fix it…

[He's kind of admitting that going to Moira for that injection was somewhat of mistake, but he'll insist it wasn't Moira's fault. She warned him, she gave him all the information he needed and let him make the choice. And at this point he's dragging his feet on his way to the hardest parts.]

I told you… about the monster that messed up my head. That happened because… because I didn't turn my stupid phone off when I was in the tunnels. [His voice breaks as he says it and his shoulders shake as he looks down at his knees. A bit of an unhinged, bitter and self loathing laugh escapes him as he turns his head to the side, trying to mask the wiping away of a tear.] And then I- …I…

[He's losing focus, looking a bit less than stable, but able to be pulled back to clarity with the right little tug.]

[Keith listened, looking up at Lance again for just a second when he called it a "stupid mistake". Keith knew all about making stupid mistakes. He was good at those, too.

But the physical reaction to the story bothered Keith. He knew Lance was trying, but watching it was hard. He hadn't really wanted to push him like that. He untangled one arm from his huddled position and placed his hand on Lance's back, just on the shoulderblade.]

You don't have to keep going...

[Though, despite his best efforts to sound more concerned and sympathetic, Keith just ended up sounding tired. This place could do that to a person.]

[He pulls out of it at Keith's touch, and then looks up at him. A flash of guilt and embarrassment flashes over his face before he looks down again. That tone in Keith's voice was painfully familiar to him, he's heard it from him before in another life. And he's heard it come out of himself.

After a moment, he nods. Then slowly explains why he froze:] Sometimes, my thoughts get stuck and… out of order. Like a scratched record.

[He doesn't know a better way to describe it, but it's definitely not easy for him to admit to either. He heaves a breath.] Look, this isn't… this shouldn't be about me. You… went through something really bad, Keith. I know you feel like it's your fault and all I did when you got out of that pond was just repeat the same stuff people have told me that I still don't really believe… and I guess I'll let you know if I ever figure out how to stop blaming yourself…

[His voice shakes like he's holding back something heavy, like tears and full blown madness as he admits the hardest thing of all:] And how to live with it, and… with knowing that it's gonna happen again…

[Another pause to let that be digested and to compose himself.] I wish I could tell you it gets better, or easier. Or that there's some secret formula to protecting yourself and everyone from it, but the only thing we can do is… the best we can with what we have. It doesn't- doesn't really feel good enough, it probably isn't. But… we're here together. As a team. And that… counts for something. I think.

[His jaw clenches and trembles as he recalls again exactly what he's done to teammates and people he loves before. The memories are disjointed and incomplete, scratchy… but enough to have him tensing up and going still and distant again. This time he has enough presence of mind to say:] But… n-not always.

Edited 2022-10-12 01:30 (UTC)

[Keith took all that in. It was a lot in one go, but that was fine. He was better at listening than talking anyway. Honestly, Keith was so used to Lance's brain seeming to move at lightspeed through a conversation that the jumping around almost seemed normal at times. But that was okay. Having something that felt normal, even if it wasn't, was kind of a comfort in a weird way.

He let his hand slide down Lance's back and took a deep breath.]

Why...? Why wouldn't us being a team help?

[He was a little afraid of the answer, and almost regretted asking. His brow furrowed in deep concern. They were a team, they were together, they could help each other... if... well, if they weren't always pulling apart at the seams, he supposed. Like everything they'd been through back home was just... dissolved.]

Edited 2022-10-12 02:25 (UTC)

[At this point, after all he's said, he feels like Keith probably deserves to know. But there's a part of him that argues he only feels that way because of how much he blames and hates himself. And how much he still feels like he'll screw up again, or lose control or…

His thoughts are on a scratch out of order track again. He has to bring his hand up to his own head to try and ground himself, cut through the noise. He sees her eyes blown wide in silence with only his heartbeat in his ears and her scream comes ages later. Did she scream as it happened or before? Either way, she was quiet after. That was the goal.

Keith's voice cuts through it, though he sounds garbled at first. Lance looks back at him like he's confused about why he's there for a moment, his eyes lost and a bit wild and wet. Then he blinks, hand still clenched in his hair. Blinks again, and the present starts to sink in. When did he start shaking?]

I killed her… [His voice is hoarse and haunted as it finally just comes out in a fearful and broken whisper. He looks down again.] I killed Allura.

[He curls in on himself tighter as the shaking gets worse and a glow picks up, which might not be great considering how many flammable things are in here. Then he manages to add:] She was the first.

[The way he recoils and shrinks in on himself even further if that's possible would make some think he expects a physical blow. It's not a reflection of how he sees Keith so much as how he feels about this and what he thinks he deserves, which is rejection, abandonment, disappointment. He hasn't even told Shiro and never told Hunk, out of selfish fear of losing them.]

Edited 2022-10-12 02:46 (UTC)

[Keith noticed that distant stare, like Lance was trapped in something again. He felt the shaking, and started to once more get worried he'd pressed too hard on this. Sure, Lance had said for him to ask anything, but this kind of reaction was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid. Keith didn't want to make Lance talk about something he wasn't ready to.

Yet, here they were, and Keith was scared he'd pushed too far with his questions. His hand moved again, this time across Lance's back as if to pull him into a hug, since that had worked once before, right? Except... he froze.

Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

Lance had killed Allura.

It stuck in his head for a second, repeating itself, until Lance said something about her being "the first". That finally got Keith to blink and come out of it. He still looked somewhat shocked, but Lance's physical actions also caught his attention. That, and the fact that Keith knew how Lance had felt about Allura. Heck, he'd encouraged Lance to go on that date, to make the effort to get closer to her, resolving his own feelings about the whole situation in that moment because it was more important for his friends to be happy than for him to be-.........]

It was something... like this... right? Like what happened to me. You were being forced or tricked or controlled or something... right?

[It had to be. There was no other way that Keith could feasibly see Lance killing Allura.]

[Needless to say, it hadn't really helped their relationship in Deerington. Allura hadn't blamed him, and he'd resigned himself to accepting that, but he still couldn't look at her without seeing her covered in blood and screaming. Kind of a mood killer for romantic feelings.

The questions that follow are not surprising, even if it feels like every word is another tear in his skin. Because he wasn't forced, not really. Not like Keith was, anyway. He knows logically that it wasn't something he'd wanted to do, not at all. But it all ended up the way it was because of his poor judgement.

The silence that follows Keith's questions is betraying in itself, but it's also because he's clearly trying to figure out the right words. Trying to put his mind all in order enough to coherently give him answers.]

I… we were… down there. And it was there. It was my fault she- [He sucks in a sharp breath and his hand slides down to cover his eyes like that can somehow make the flashes stop. At the very least, it dulls the hallucinations he sees, not so much the ones he hears. It's all a mess, his memories. He can't remember big chunks, and what he does remember feels like an old broken and scratched up film reel. Out of order, a mess, maybe not all accurate.] I- it was… everything's… out of order.

[Keith had honed in on just the idea that Lance had killed Allura. He wasn't immediately seeing the danger they might be in if Lance overloaded by continuing, and he clung to it, needing to know more.]

But, why? Do you remember why?

[He sounded maybe a little panicked. He'd fought against Shiro here, fought against friends. Would he have to... would it come down to killing each other here, too?

That frightened the shit out of him.]

[Why… why. The why was clear as day even as as it happened while he was losing his mind. There was more to it than that, on some level he knows that. But guilt and trauma broke him and now the biggest thing that sticks out when it comes to why…]

…She wouldn't… stop screaming.

[His voice is shaking and unsteady and he's not entirely in the present moment, eyes distressed and glassed over as his hand has slipped back to his hair and he's looking off to the side. Half, or even more than half of him is stuck back there, and that is not good for his continued control. This road of memories are the hardest, the ones that first broke him and continue to haunt him and break him over and over.]

[Which definitely sounded like an odd reason. But then, Keith's mind kicked back in for a second. That couldn't be right. It wasn't like Allura to just scream about something. She was stronger than that.]

But that was something happening to her, too, right?

[Because, why would she keep screaming otherwise, right? There had to be something... something getting to her as well.]

[His shoulders rise to his ears as the question brings him back to the lantern, and all in one go he's hearing the song and his hands instinctively cover his ears as he shuts his eyes tight. Short, shallow panicked breaths, the shift in him is alarmingly abrupt and that includes the glow, which goes up like a burst of solar flare off the surface of the sun. When he speaks, it's hushed and not really directed at Keith.]

It- it got her, Ahí abajo, en lo más hondo. [Abruptly he makes a frustrated and aggressive sound as his stress elevates his instability to the point where he breaks with what's real. Then he fires a bolt of energy at a bale of hay nearby. His voice is hoarse with fear and anger.] Nobody asked you.

[He seems to somewhat realize a second later what he might have just done, looking horrified and then mentally and physically reaching for the stabilizing gem on his wrist. It glows in response and he presses his palms to his eyes, trying to keep it together.] Sh-shit. 'M sorry, I- I…

[He cuts off, because what is there to really say? He's still hearing and seeing things, but the gem is dulling it as he concentrates on it. It's there, it's stressful and confusing, and he's still not entirely sure of the here and now, but he knows he just did something violent and could have hurt someone. Again. That was enough to get him to at least question himself.]

[It was fast. It was too fast. Keith didn't have the sense or time to move and stop it before it happened. But he was quick enough to launch as big of an ice spike as he could make right into the center of the flaming hay bale in an attempt to curb the flames. For extra safety, he did the same with the ones surrounding it, hoping the ice would melt quickly enough to soak the area and prevent the fire from spreading.

He felt a little like it was his fault for pushing so hard, and sagged, watching the flames start to die a bit in a haze of thick steam. He'd been so fixated on it. It was frustrating. He kept hearing bits and pieces of what happened in those tunnels and no one seemed able or willing to tell him the whole story.

At least, for now, he was out of his own head. He turned, shifting himself around so he was facing Lance.]

Hey, it's fine. I pushed too hard, okay? I didn't... [He sighed.] I'm sorry. I should have just left it alone. [It didn't matter that Lance offered. Keith bit his lip hard, and then reached over, gingerly putting his arms around him.]

It's okay. It was my fault. I'm sorry. [It was almost automatic that his own body temperature started to drop to compensate for Lance's, to try to bring it down and control the heat and flares.]

[As Keith deals with the flames, his gem is working overtime as he focuses on it and tries to ground himself. What happened? Where was he? He knows where he is. He smells the barn, he can feel Keith nearby, the energy of his ice magic coils around the room.

And then he's touching him again and by that point, he's back to the moment enough to not mistake it for something else. Keith's words reach him but they sound and feel far away like he's talking to him through glass and water. But he can still hear him from where he's trying to swim through the dark.

What is he talking about? It's not- it's not his fault. If only he could just remember right, or even show Keith the answers he's looking for. His hands come away from his eyes to grip Keth's jacket though he keeps them closed as he tries to focus. Even though he's fully clothed with only his head and neck exposed, some part of Keith's skin brushes with his as the right combination of distress, desperation and energy activates an otherwise dead part of his paleblood magic. And the memory is given to Keith.

It's complete and in proper order, all the blank parts buried deep in Lance's psyche are patched back in and that is seen and felt in a shift of quality, the way it plays out feels like a damaged film but still clear enough. And it's from Lance's point of view, complete with his distorted perceptions, hallucinations, confusions, and emotions, but even through all of it, all the right information to understand exactly what happened is there.]

[As Lance began to respond, gripping his jacket, Keith tightened his own grip now, pulling them closer together like he had that day on the beach. As he leaned in, his cheek rested against Lance's head, initiating the needed contact to start the latent power from Lance's bloodmagic.

And Keith gasped slightly, stiffening up as he tensed his muscles in response to something suddenly in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, but was forced to watch... forced to experience the whole thing. Allura's distress, the creatures attacking them, the whispers and voices in Lance's head, the hallucinations, the injuries... all of it. For a moment, Keith felt like he might break with them, but the lickers and lantern had no effect on him directly like this in a memory. It was just them. It was just him, watching what had already happened, with no power over any of it.

Watching his friends, his teammates, his family... two of the people he cared most about... suffer, and one to die...

Keith choked on a sob, his hands clenching into fists around the fabric of Lance's coat and he was still, other than a tremble, huddled into the hold he had around Lance.]

[He doesn't relive it, because this share is of his own making, his own power, even if he doesn't realize he's doing it. But it doesn't go unnoticed either, because sharing the memory overrides what usually happens when someone touches his skin. Usually, he'd be taking in pain, physical and emotional from the other person. And he can still sense Keith's emotions like he does normally just being near him, but there's a big difference between that and what he gets when he touches people.

The absence of the pain drain is loud and burning, his skin where it touches Keith's tingles in a strange way. And he's abruptly much more aware of the present, that too is a side effect of this new manifestation of his paleblood magic. It's almost as if Keith seeing the memory and experiencing it is lessening its effect on Lance. He's still disoriented and feels a lot like he just got resuscitated after drowning, but he's aware.

Keith's emotions cut through it all, as does his stiffness and his choked sob. Lance's heart clenches in confused concern and empathy. He sucks in a sharp breath, suddenly fearful that the absence of pain draining means he did something to hurt Keith instead and pulls away, breaking the contact. But not before the memory is complete. His hands uncurl from Keith's clothes and come up to his shoulders to steady him and hold him a bit away so Lance can look at him and try to see what happened. They are still rather close.]

K-Keith. Are- are you okay? [He looks around the loft, like he's still not entirely sure of his perceptions of reality and still disoriented.] I… did I… what… did I do?

[A 'this time' and 'to you' goes unsaid simultaneously but felt in the hoarse whisper that is his voice, heavy with dread.]

[When Lance broke the contact and gingerly put that space between them, Keith released his own hold on Lance's jacket, bringing one arm up to rub across his eyes.]

N-no... it... it wasn't... [Keith didn't understand what happened. He didn't know it had been Lance's power.] It wasn't you... I... I don't know. I saw it. I saw what happened.

[He doesn't know right away what Keith means by that, still disoriented. But he knows it must have to do with what they were talking about/doing before- before. What? He needs to take a moment to try and backtrack and organize the mess that his head became in the last few minutes. He's visibly, slowly mentally putting it together and as he does, he stiffens and trembles a bit.]

What… happened- [He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes flickering around rapidly, gaze fixed somewhere on Keith's chest and to the right of him.] I-

[He feels sick and it shows as he hunches a bit. It's not the first time his memories have been shared with other people, but it is the first time they've been shared with someone from home. Someone this close. And the heaviness and fear of that is a lot to come to grips with all at the same time as not understanding just yet how it happened. And then there's the guilt at not just what he did to Allura, but that Keith had to experience it too. He zeroes in on that, maybe- maybe he can f-fix it.]

I'm sorry. I… I can take some of it… [Touch him (again), and dull the emotional pain with his powers. He can feel the distress radiating off of Keith, distress that he recognizes as his own, lingering from his own memory that Keith just experienced. It's a strange mirror within a mirror within a mirror sensation. And that's what gets him slowly realizing what happened.] I… I did this…

Mm-mm... [Keith shook his head rapidly.] No. No... [He sniffed, rubbing his face.] I'll be okay... I just... need a minute. [He'd actually had this happen once before with Sasuke's sharingan power. He took a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves. Granted, with Sasuke, it was no where near as personal, but, as he associated what had happened and connected the two events, he was able to reconcile it a bit more in his head.

It hadn't happened to him. It was Lance's memory. Yes, it still sucked, but he hadn't been there. And there was nothing that he could do to change it.

He just had to repeat that to himself a bit...]

I'll be okay.

[Meanwhile, the ice had done its job, melting into the flames. The barn loft smelled like a smokey sauna up there, all steamy and smokey, and just kind of yuck, but the flames were out, at least.

The animals below hadn't liked it, though, and were starting to make some noise to protest.]

Are you... are you okay?

[Yes... Keith was worried about Lance, too. That had definitely been an intense moment between them.]

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