Deer Country Network

[ Tuck is fucking bored, and when he gets bored he immediately turns to destruction like any fourteen year old boy inside the body of a seven foot barbarian man would! ]

hey so im in the woods
if anyone wants to fight me
thatd be cool
or go tell your friends
and send them to fight me
and then you can pay me if I win

or Ill take your most prized possession

or I guess you can just fight me
so come here

k bye

[ her feed turns on and there's ahiru, a girl, not a duck. ]

Uhm, so . . . I've been here for a year. Which is really long and I was just thinking that . . . it's been so nice. To be here. And to meet new people and try new things. Also make so many friends.

So, uhm, to celebrate . . . I'll give you a compliment! To celebrate everyone. And if I don't know you, uhmmm, I'll give you my best first impression!

[ she bows lightly. ]

[ The world around Tuck and Billie is dark, gloomy, and full of dust. The bar they are in, Colonel Dan's, has seen better days. Tables have been overturned, something's been in here making a mess despite the magic that was imbued into the door. Guess it didn't hold. ]

So, who wants to help Billie n' me clean out our bar? That we, ah, never used.

[ Tuck does his best to make it sound like the most riveting fucking thing a person could volunteer for. ]

We'll pay you in... uh...

[ He looks down at Billie who is currently out of camera view. Hard to put both a two foot child in the same frame with a seven foot man. ]

Friendship? Oh, booze!

Either, or. Whichever turns out to be of equal or lesser value.

[ From the dark, something falls off the bar counter and breaks. Then skittering claws scuttle across the floor. ]

There's someone else in here.

... ..... So, who wants to help Billie n' me chase a mystery creature out of our bar? Ehhh? Could be fun—Oh fuuuck! It touched my leg!

[ Starring: Tuck, Vyng, Billie ]

Hey. Hey! LOOK OVER HERE, EVERYBODY!

[ Great! Now that he has your attention, he gets to the point of this commercial interruption. ]

I have, uh, something to say to all of you. [ The large man unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading from it. ]

Amara, not Laura,
You are my destiny,
A mysterious mistress fated to me—Ah fuck, wrong piece!

[ He is already floundering twenty seconds in, but Vyng, the wild haired half-elf standing beside him hands over another cue card.

"Here you go, buddy," he offers. ]

Thanks. Um, "This is our son Fat Billie." [ You better believe these lines are spoken as woodenly as possible. ] "Say hi Billie."

[ After an awkward beat, Tuck squats down and picks up his round little halfling son, covered in his usual raccoon skin to hide his ginger hair. In Tuck's giant hand he looks the size of a basketball.

"Hi Billie!" the little boy greets, hands covered in something like gravy or chocolate.

Behind him, Vyng laughs. "Nice." ]

"He needs someone like you [ And then Tuck pantomimes to the video screen, pointing stiffly to his audience. ] to be his friend! Come—" uh, "Come eat lunch! Take afternoon naps! Eat more food!" Uhm, "Pet cats!

"If this sounds good to you, please apply!" Oh, but no nerds, though! Or adults! Like 18 year olds tops!

[ "Yeah, don't make this creepy," Vyng adds with a judging eye. ]

Yeah, don't be fucking gross, old people! He's a child!

[ "So, no nerds, don't be creep-os, must love gravy! If this sounds like you, like and subscribe!" Vyng points down to the bottom of the screen, which Tuck does not get. ]

Are you pointing at your dick? Point to Billie!!

[ He takes one of his friend's hands and points it at their fat little son.

"Now like and subscribe!" ]

[ Starring: Tuck, Vyng, Billie ]


[ At first you see the bushy-bearded face of Tachome Dhaume the barbarian checking to make sure the "video" setting is on. Then it pans across a living room—Michael's living room, to be precise—and stops on his best friend Vyng.

Oh, and a broken window behind him. ]

C'mere, Billie! Look who came last night!

[ With all the enthusiasm of a parent hyping up the legend of Santa, he leads his son over to the broken window where shards of glass lay on the ground. With eyes as big as saucers, Billie looks up at his parents. ]

Charles!

That's right, buddy! Charles found us all the way in Trench and broke in last night! [ The video moves over to a half-eaten plate of meatballs(?). ] He ate some of the meatballs we left out for him, too.

[ Nevermind that the evidence of who really ate some of their questionable meatballs is still stuck to Tuck's beard. ]

He left you a present. Look! He got you new nesting material for your bed!

[ In the corner is a small pile of soft things: strips of fabric, sheep wool, stuffing that probably came out of a couch. ]

Wow. It's a Charles miracle! Wait... Where're your presents?

[ Not wanting to blow the whistle on their ruse, Tuck quickly makes eye contact with Vyng to get them on the same page. ]

Uhhh...

He... left before he could drop ours off.

Yeah, I... woke up and heard him break in. And as he was... eating the... meatballs, I fought him. And then he ran off.

You got to fight Charles?! Why didn't you wake me up?

Because! He... told us not to.

Yeah, he said you needed your... beauty sleep.

Next year you can fight him, Billie.

[ It doesn't sit well with Billie, who is ready to knife a Charles this very minute, but there's little he can do about it on Charles day. The break ins are long past! With a huff, he relents and flops on his pile of fluff like a curious cat. ]

Merry Charles, Billie! Merry Charles, Vyng!

Merry Charles, everyone!

hey has anyone ever like manifested something into existence just by thinking about it hard enough?
like getting your dream job or a girl you like finally looking your way
or say you for example miss your son back home a lot and then one day he appears like you summoned him

you know?

this ever happened to anyone for real?
anyone here ascribe to the secret?
its a self-improvement method that's been sweeping the principalities back home
is it actually real?
can someone again super hypothetically manifest their loved one into existence?

asking for a friend

[ When Zari's face comes on the screen, it's painted like a glamorous leopard spotted cat and her hair is done up to mimic the shape of cat ears. She's sitting on a plush pink upholstered chair with carefully curated items on the wall behind her that fit the themes of light pink and leopard print. ]

Hi, Z Nation! It's your favorite celebfluencer... me! Okay, I know we're all from different times and places and a lot of you don't know me yet, but that's okay. We'll get there. My name is Zari Tarazi and I'm all about clean living, beauty and staying true to yourself. I'm a model, actress, singer and practicing Muslim.

I think I need to start doing regular content here, because I have absolutely fallen off my posting schedule in the last few months and that's no way to live, so think of this as a sort of newsletter-vlog. Or whatever.

[ She sits up a little straighter and then resettles in, eyes glancing to the side quickly to make sure her ring light is still positioned correctly. ]

First of all, I am looking for instrumentalists who would be interested in helping me to make some new music. Just something fun... maybe we could do some little concerts around the city the brighten everyone's days, record a few things. No big. I would be singing, of course, but I'm open to the right collaboration.

Next up, who wants to get mani-pedis t want to meet some people who are down for gabbing and good skincare and I haven't had a facial since we saved the world or stopped with me or do face masks or anything like that? I'm dying for some feminine companionship. Now, I don't drink, but if you want a glass of wine with all that, totally cool with me. I justime from collapsing in on itself?

[ She looks away for a moment. ]

Is that what we did? Oh, whatever. Anyway, you're totally welcome for it, but my skin is a disaster. Time travel rages havoc on the pores.

Oh, and speaking of not drinking, where's a good spot for mocktails around here? Low-cal preferred, organic required. Consume healthy when you can!

[ A small pause. ]

This is normally where I'd plug a sponsor like Hello Fresh or RAID: Shadow Legends, but I guess since this is a new series I don't have one yet. Would you like to be a sponsor? Hit me up in the DMs. Otherwise check out John Constantine's store. I'm there sometimes, so come by. I mean I don't work there or anything. I just hang around. Oh crap I'm one of those people who hangs around their friend's job, aren't I? I really need that music thing to happen. Please and thanks.

Oh and like, subscribe and comment down below with your cutest masks or makeup. Let's inspire each other! Wait does this thing have an engagement algorithm? Whatever. Just show off your cutest looks this month! Love ya!

cw: poop?


[ Tuck's big face takes up the majority of the screen when the feed turns on. He looks, well, a little worried in spite of his attempt to look totally casual. His comically wide eyes are not helping the act. ]

He-llo, everybody. Soooo, we [ meaning Vyng who is speeding back and forth behind him in what looks to be the inside of a fully furnished yurt. ] are missing a vase, and it's really important that we get it back—

Don't open it! [ Vyng shouts from behind Tuck. ]

Yeah, don't open it. It's—

It's full of Tuck's shit.

[ Tuck's bug-eyed stare turns dead and resigned at hearing his friend dredge up that excuse again. ]

Yeah. I have... this compulsion, and I have to shit in this one vase. And I can't help myself! I need it back immediately. So, if you find a vase kind of lying around on the beach—

Remember don't open it! Do not open it.

It will kill you—the smell, I mean! It's been sealed for, like, months. It will fuck up this whole city. From, from the smell. Of my shit.

Just call us and we'll come take it off your hands! Figuratively, though. Don't touch it.

Don't touch it, don't fucking look at it—No! Look at it for, like, a second, then call us, and stop looking at it! You got that?

( Picture of the vase drawn by Tuck )